Immediately classify someone as friend vs potential romantic interest?

[happyace]

I am demiromantic so to me, immediately classifying someone as either "a friend & potential romantic interest" vs "a friend but not a potential romantic interest" is very odd. How can you tell for sure that you won't develop romantic feelings for someone after you get to know them better?

My question: when you meet someone, do you ever know right away that you want to be good friends but would never view them as a potential romantic partner? (Assuming they are of the sex/gender that you are romantically attracted to.)

I've heard sexuals say that some people do this, but I wonder 1) if it's really all that common among sexuals, and 2) whether any asexual people do this, or maybe it's pretty rare?

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this! : )

[Ficulnean]

I do this, but not right off the bat and if someone I'd classifed as not a romantic partner were to ask me out, then I'd still be open to it.

[joseph1]

I think I have done this in the past, even though I never really seriously dated I did have serious interest and close relationships with girls. It was always high chemistry and I think I enjoyed the sexual energy they brought to the relationship even though nothing physical happened. I don't think you can count a relationship out too early because the other person feels it and they lose interest too. Now that I know I am asexual I'm not sure what I will do.

[Arte]

I think when sexuals do this it's a bit different because for them the romantic and sexual orientation are sort of one and the same so for them i'd say they need to at least be physically attracted as in if they we're in a relationship they could stand the thought of sex with them.

[mayme]

I believe that it is possible to meet someone and think right away they may be good friend material for what ever reason. Beyond that no fixed decision.

[PurpleKoolaid]

Well I do this (sortof) with aesthetic attraction and if I can envision dating the person based on looks and first impression of personality/humor. It isn't set in stone, they could surprise me later (as I get to know them) but after meeting someone I can leave and report whether i like them, don't like them, or need a followup. and in my mind, all people do this, whether consciously or subconsciously. usually subconscious i think, with it being just a "gut feeling" about the feel of the person, which could go somewhere or nowhere regardless.

I don't think you sort them whether they could only be a friend or only a romantic partner (as opposed to 'I'd like to speak to them again or never'), but i think you'd be able to see if you have chemistry (which is needed for both) and [if you're sexual] if you also feel sexually attracted to this person that you've just met.

[Notte stellata]

I can understand that some people may do it if sexual/aesthetic attraction is essential to their romantic attraction, but I can't relate to it personally because looks matter very little to me. What's even more alien to me is some people even immediately classify people as "friend but not potential romantic interest" or "potential romantic interest but not friend." They say once they see someone as a potential romantic interest, they can't see that person as a friend anymore. The strict dichotomy between friend and romantic interest is beyond my comprehension.

For me, I can't even know I want to be friends with someone right away, unless it's super obvious from their appearance that we have something in common (e.g. if they're wearing a Les Mis shirt or reading an Ayn Rand book). It's far more likely for me to want to be friends with someone after reading their blog posts or forum posts, even if I don't know what they look like. I may even have a vague feeling of seeing them as a potential romantic interest, but I'll still interact them as friends without any upfront expectations.

[Shattered-Glass]

Aesthetic attraction plays a role in potential romantic attraction definitely. Also things like smell, and sound.

I guess the biggest thing is their personality though. From first conversation, if I like them enough to talk to them again, (I have high people standards) well there's potential for romantic attraction, when factoring in the above factors.

If the above factors don't match with what I like, I'll probably just want to be friends with them.

[Cassara]

I am demiromantic so to me, immediately classifying someone as either "a friend & potential romantic interest" vs "a friend but not a potential romantic interest" is very odd. How can you tell for sure that you won't develop romantic feelings for someone after you get to know them better?

My question: when you meet someone, do you ever know right away that you want to be good friends but would never view them as a potential romantic partner? (Assuming they are of the sex/gender that you are romantically attracted to.)

I've heard sexuals say that some people do this, but I wonder 1) if it's really all that common among sexuals, and 2) whether any asexual people do this, or maybe it's pretty rare?

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this! : )

I'm asexual, but I do do this to some extent. It's not even really conscious, I'll just kind of consider it later and realize I was thinking "hmm, they'd make a good friend" instead of "wow, they're really [aesthetically] attractive, and I like their personality. I suppose I could see myself dating them"

I wouldn't say it's set in stone by any means, though. I tend to think about people in a more romantic way after getting to know them better. Is there such a thing as demiromantic asexual? Because that might be me :P

[happyace]

I am demiromantic so to me, immediately classifying someone as either "a friend & potential romantic interest" vs "a friend but not a potential romantic interest" is very odd. How can you tell for sure that you won't develop romantic feelings for someone after you get to know them better?

My question: when you meet someone, do you ever know right away that you want to be good friends but would never view them as a potential romantic partner? (Assuming they are of the sex/gender that you are romantically attracted to.)

I've heard sexuals say that some people do this, but I wonder 1) if it's really all that common among sexuals, and 2) whether any asexual people do this, or maybe it's pretty rare?

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this! : )

I'm asexual, but I do do this to some extent. It's not even really conscious, I'll just kind of consider it later and realize I was thinking "hmm, they'd make a good friend" instead of "wow, they're really [aesthetically] attractive, and I like their personality. I suppose I could see myself dating them"

I wouldn't say it's set in stone by any means, though. I tend to think about people in a more romantic way after getting to know them better. Is there such a thing as demiromantic asexual? Because that might be me :P

There is absolutely such a thing as a demironantic asexual. In fact as of now, I also think that's the label that comes closest to my orientation. :D

!

I can understand that some people may do it if sexual/aesthetic attraction is essential to their romantic attraction, but I can't relate to it personally because looks matter very little to me. What's even more alien to me is some people even immediately classify people as "friend but not potential romantic interest" or "potential romantic interest but not friend." They say once they see someone as a potential romantic interest, they can't see that person as a friend anymore. The strict dichotomy between friend and romantic interest is beyond my comprehension.

For me, I can't even know I want to be friends with someone right away, unless it's super obvious from their appearance that we have something in common (e.g. if they're wearing a Les Mis shirt or reading an Ayn Rand book). It's far more likely for me to want to be friends with someone after reading their blog posts or forum posts, even if I don't know what they look like. I may even have a vague feeling of seeing them as a potential romantic interest, but I'll still interact them as friends without any upfront expectations.

Thank you for your response! And thank you to everyone else for responding as well!

This dichotomy drives me crazy. I'm not judging anyone if they operate in this way of course, but I can't seem to get my brain to function in this way, and I have a hard time even comprehending feeling an impulse to classify people into the two mutually exclusive categories you mentioned. I wanted to avoid using the term "to friendzone someone" in my post because there have been other threads about friendzoning, and it seems that most people don't share my definition. To me, if person A friendzones person B, this means that shortly after person A and person B met and started to become friends, person A decided that person B would never be "relationship material." This irriversible decision would always be made at the beginning of the friendship - regardless of whether or not person B expressed any intentions or desire for any kind of romantic relationship at the time.

But I hadn't really thought much about the possibility that someone would classify another person immediately as relationship material but wouldn't consider being friends with them. hmmmm thanks for bringing this up!

I know that some people start dating without being friends first, but I would find it hard to flirt with someone, or even to maintain eye contact on an intimate level with someone who I don't know well as a friend already. Yet apparently a lot of people do flirt on the first date, which sort of points back to this dichotomy that many people have even as they are just beginning to make friends.

It's amazing what a diversity of sexualities and behaviors are out there. I'm pretty extroverted, but if a date tried to kiss me - even a peck on the cheek - on the first date, I think I would freeze up and feel really uncomfortable. In fact, I know I would - it's happened before! (Admittedly, I had't realized I was asexual, and I hadn't realized that it was a date.) Yet there are many people who would feel at ease having sex on the first date, if things were going well. I think that it would be liberating to be able to feel that way.

Sorry for the super long ramble.

[Blinkin]

I don't do this. I've got two times in my life where I felt romantic attraction towards close friends. When I first meeted them they were just friends, we became close friends and suddenly I felt myself romantic attracted to them.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I think I used to feel this way simply because it was socially expected. When in reality it never really worked like that for me at all.

When I was younger, I used to experience crushes that would blow out into desperate infatuation quite easily, and this was basically that "potential romantic interest" feeling. It was always very delusional though. It completely ignored actual compatibility, and simply went off some basic sense of "chemistry". It often had an aesthetic element, but I never really had a distinct physical "type", so I can't really pinpoint the exact causes.

These days, I know that compatibility for any kind of relationship (friendship, romance, or otherwise), is a far more complex thing - so I don't really experience the above kind of emotional trap. It's much easier to be grounded and balanced about how I approach people and relationships. Nothing just has to go into one social category or another.

TL;DR: No.

[justme72]

i may be asexual but im still attracted to a persons looks first, it may not be that i want to have sex but they are pleasing to look at.

[Philip027]

I am demiromantic so to me, immediately classifying someone as either "a friend & potential romantic interest" vs "a friend but not a potential romantic interest" is very odd.

Ditto

Something that probably helps me with defying the dichotomy, as you put it, is the fact that aesthetic attractions are things I don't experience and don't have any hand in determining my overall romantic attractions. My ability to feel that relationshippy pull toward someone else will be based on their personality, how well it meshes with mine, and how well I can feel connected to them in general, which are things that I usually don't get to learn until after I've established a friendship with that person (in other words, it's not stuff that I can just learn at a glance)

[Hooded_Crow]

Ditto

Something that probably helps me with defying the dichotomy, as you put it, is the fact that aesthetic attractions are things I don't experience and don't have any hand in determining my overall romantic attractions. My ability to feel that relationshippy pull toward someone else will be based on their personality, how well it meshes with mine, and how well I can feel connected to them in general, which are things that I usually don't get to learn until after I've established a friendship with that person (in other words, it's not stuff that I can just learn at a glance)

That. Exactly that :)

[Amoeba-Proteus]

Can't say I classify anyone. I just look at people as potential friends and that's as far as it goes. Same as the one I did end up having feelings for. We were just friends and I never thought I'd be attracted to them, but after being friends and eventually becoming closer friends, it just kind of happened.

I never would have considered them a romantic interest when I met them though. I don't think I could feel romantically attracted to someone without knowing them well first, because what is there to be attracted to? I really couldn't care less about physical appearance, as long as they're taking general care of themself. I don't feel sexual attraction. And I don't really have a "type". In the case of that one person, after knowing them for a long time, our personalities just worked together. We were different in a lot of ways, but we happened to get along well. But I wouldn't know that in the beginning. I need a personality to be attracted to in the first place. ^_^

But that only ever happened once...

[Fire & Rain]

As a WTFromantic the line between platonic and romantic attraction is very unclear to me. I can't really tell the difference. I see it as a spectrum and not as separate or superior/inferior entities. The only thing I focus on is "Do I like them as a person?" If I did, then I would befriend them or let them befriend me. If it moves towards romantic side of the spectrum along the way and I'm comfortable with it, then we would see how it goes. I've learned to just appreciate the emotion connection in all of my relationships and let the relationships build themselves. I don't try to classify the attraction I feel or categorize people and relationships into little boxes anymore.

Bottom line is I don't befriend people with the mindset of they would be "just friends" or "potential romantic partners" or anything.