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You'd think I'd have this figured out by now... :/


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(I had this all typed up once, and my browser ate it, so if this isn't as eloquent as it was before... I'm sorry.)

First... thank you in advance for anyone who is able to help in any way, any opinions, thoughts, or advice would be greatly appreciated. :) Also, I assume it's okay to share TMI things here, but if not, I'm really, really sorry.

Okay, so I'm female, early 30s, married (to a guy - for over 10 years).

Growing up, I never had any sort of sexual desires, but I was unexperienced so I guess I never even realized that. My husband and I dated from 17-21 and we waited til we were married to have sex. Before then, we kissed (no tongue though, the thought of it grossed me out), held hands, cuddled... everything else outside of sexual things. But doing those things didn't make me love him more, like.. sometimes they'd annoy me, I didn't want to be hung on and stuff because I didn't 'feel' anything from doing it. Although now, I LOVE him, so I want to cuddle with him... I want his attention and affection and all. Does that make sense?

So, anyway, by the time we did have sex, I didn't like it at all. Again, I chalked that up to being unexperienced. It hurt all the time (but I have medical problems, so I'm fairly sure that's why), I never felt anything pleasurable... basically I just did it for years for him and to try to get pregnant. I always said that I was broken, I thought everyone loved sex. It wasn't until the past couple of years that I've realized that I do like sex, though. The turn around came once we introduced a vibrator. And still to this day, that's the only way I can O... it's become a third partner,, but it works for us. lol I'm not sure if things would have been different for me before then if I'd found that a lot sooner or if this is just me.

Anyway... I like the physical feelings from sex and even though I love my husband, I don't get aroused by looking at him or by us being intimate or anything like that... it's strictly a physical reaction. But, I can get aroused from things I read or other certain things that I've found turn me on, but they don't seem to carry over once we're in the bedroom, so.. yeah, I don't know.

As far as attraction goes, I don't know that I am 100% sure what sexual attraction actually is. I've never looked at anyone, male or female, and gotten aroused or thought 'I want to have sex with them'. I do, however get 'girl crushes'... always have. I know I have some sort of attraction to women, but I don't know how to classify it. I know it sounds corny, but it's like.. I want them to like me, to be my best friend. I want their attention, maybe even affection, but again, not sexually. That's not to say that I don't see some men and think they're attractive and maybe wonder what it'd be like to cuddle with them or something like that, but that's it. Same as with girls. Although, I do find the female body more beautiful than the male body - they kind of gross me out. I've been married over 10 years and still won't touch his privates. I don't know why, I just find it creepy.

So, yeah... I think that's everything I had written before, I hope I didn't forget anything important. Sorry if that was too long, I was just trying to hit the points that I thought might be important. If anyone can help me at all, I'd appreciate it. I've read just about everything I can find about the sexual and romantic spectrums and I'm still really confused. I'm not sure if everyone falls somewhere on each scale or if it's one or the other... or what. I've been trying fo figure it out for a while and I haven't found anything that seems exactly right. I think it'd just be nice to feel like there is a place that I belong, that explains why I feel the way I do and to give me some validation and not just feel like there's something wrong with me.

Thanks again to anyone who's made it this far and can offer any help. :)

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Hey, even if we can't give you a label, you still do belong here. Don't worry about that (besides, it's really hard to get kicked out anyway).And, from your description my own opinion is of you is still romantic asexual. I think a lot of people get confused about continuing to identify as asexaul once they're actually in a relationship with someone else. But, if you look around here, you'll see tons of people of the opinion that behaviour doesn't affect orientations: it's how you feel about that behaviour that matters.

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What you wrote sounds very, very similar to how I feel. I have enjoyed sexual activity in the past - have been able to have orgasms. But I have never looked at another person and thought or felt, wow, I would love to have sex with them, cause they are so attractive! I can appreciate beauty in women and men. But it is not sexual, more like looking at pretty art. I also like to cuddle, with people I feel safe with.

I get why you are confused. Remember that the labels (asexual, demisexual, etc) are not scientific categories - they are just useful shorthand for describing some general characteristics. But every person is unique! So, use the label if it helps you, but do not worry if it doesn't quite fit.

For me, I think of myself as asexual, but do not actually discuss it with anyone. I am single and celibate, which is the right thing for me right now. Up til about a year ago, I was having sex I didn't want, in order to maintain a "normal" relationship that I didn't really want, but thought I should have! But then I finlly started listening to my own feelings, and stopped having sex, and got out of an unhappy relationship.

Now I find that the longer I go without sex, I am discovering that I am kind of repulsed by it! Like you, I find male genitals kinda gross (sorry to anyone with male parts - no offence meant!). I am happy to not have to deal with it anymore. :)

You sound like you have a mutually satisfying relationship with your husband, which is great! So what if it is a little different than how a marriage "should" be? Focus on the good.

You do sound like you are on the a-spectrum, and that is totally ok! I think a lot of people here will relate to your story!

Welcome! :)

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Thank you both, so much. That was really nice of you to reply back to me. :)

I went digging around again after I posted this last night and I 'think' I would most closely classify myself as biromantic asexual. (Is bisquishy a thing? ;) lol) The only thing that throws me off is actually enjoying sex physically. And I like the pre stuff, wrestling and showering, etc... but they don't turn me on, it's just fun. But I guess because I don't feel any connection or arousal from it, I think this still fits, it's the closest I've found that I relate to. It's also taken me 11 years to get to this point of actually enjoying it with my husband, which sounds awful if I wasn't ace. :-/

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If you're finally enjoying it physical after only 11 years, and only the foreplay, and still aren't actively seeking it out, then yes, you really really do have a secure place here. I wouldn't even call this demi-sexual, in my own head. It sounds pretty clearly asexual with a lot of sensual. I hope we've helped. :)

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Remember that the labels (asexual, demisexual, etc) are not scientific categories - they are just useful shorthand for describing some general characteristics.

Great point, potato-chip!

@ confused82:

AVEN is a welcome place for asexuals, sexuals and others who don't quite fit one side of the spectrum or another, or just want to learn about asexuality. It is possible to enjoy certain aspects of sex (ie. stimulation, emotional intimacy, etc.) without feeling what could be considered as sexual attraction. There are asexuals who participate in sex to please their partner, or for the purposes of having children. I hope that as you browse AVEN, you find connections with people whom have similar experiences, or even members who may be able to discuss the other perspective of marriage where one partner is asexual. Feel free to check out the AVENWiki/General FAQ, Q&A FAQ and other threads/AVEN forums, if you haven't already. And take your time trying to figure out labels to fit how you identify, if you need them.

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

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