So, here's my story.

[EzekielWymahn]

I'm sure I will be disliked here. I want to note, I am actively engaging in treatments and want to build some more support groups to further understand myself. I would like to join an asexuality group, I believe I saw one at Affirmations in MI, but I don't want to walk in there and be told I'm an idiot. I bring up my thoughts of myself as asexual in my therapies, and I get a similar reaction, because of one thing I have done and why I am there.

I have dwelled on asexuality and me for about two years now. When I discuss it with others, who identify as asexual, they agree that I fall in the spectrum, but when I search things regarding it, I feel I am...Excluded. So, here's my story.

I accepted that I am attracted to males when I turned 22, after finding furry and seeing that people were happy with embracing their feelings. I still knew nothing about asexuality, and I feel I still barely grasp it. When I got involved in the furry community, I found that sexual roleplay was rather...extremely active. I like roleplaying, but I'm pretty eh on sexual interaction. I went ahead and got involved in it anyways and it became quite an active thing, for three years. I'm still a virgin, I look at guys sexually, though I never think more than just getting blown. Yet I don't want that. I found the only times I felt a desire for sexual interaction was when I was inebriated, and already engaged in sexual activity online.

Having to condition myself to be open to physical sexual interaction. That's at least how I see it...

I fell in love with a teen, 16 and turning 17, and at the time was avoiding the roleplaying. For 3 months we talked through intimate things *unfunf* and then I began roleplaying with him. The detached interaction was pleasurable, but thinking of engaging in it physically, again, was not. I wouldn't only roleplay with him, as he with me, and never really regarded age, but never spoke to anyone under 16.

Then there was this guy I liked, local, really loved the stuff he was into and he was really cute. I didn't feel I wanted a sexual intimacy with him, but I wanted all the other stuff. I wanted to cuddle with him and love on him. We made out, first time I ever kissed anyone, and it was amazing. Except for the groping stuff. I was turned on, yea, but I groped him once and really didn't find any desire to do so again. Instead I ended up snuggling him and he asked me what was wrong. That was the last night I had heard of him. Clearly he was only interested in sex. The only thing I wasn't interested in doing.

Some time later I was drunk, flirting with a friend online, really turned on. He left, leaving me pretty turned on with the sexual thoughts lingering. I ended up victimizing someone, a minor, who I misjudged his age. (I had thought around 15-16, like the teens I had interacted with online) I grabbed his thigh before I realized how much I don't want to do this, as well as how extremely terrible doing such an act is. Before you spam me with the get help stuff, like I noted, I am actively engaging in treatments and only speak to people who know my situation and support me.

I wanted to get over the whole thing of only liking sex in my head, not physically. There's nothing wrong with my body, I feel I'm decent looking and have had people drool over me, so I don't have any issues with that. I have anxiety issues, but I can't see it being that either because I push through those easily, the desire to do that for sex just isn't there. Except that dumb night. (Yea I'm already charged w/csc4) I just kinda find the idea of ACTUALLY doing a sexual act to be...Nothing I really want to partake in. Kind of disgusting, really. But its fine in my head. I had the same experience when I was noticing an attraction to males. I didn't want to be this way so I fought it, dating girls and forcing myself into being straight. Totally failed, of course. You can't force yourself to be a way.

Of course, I want to be myself. I don't see myself getting anywhere in my therapy if I can't get the people I work with to accept how I feel about myself. I've been sober for 14 months, and have noticed the sexual thoughts diminishing, but they still exist, and I don't interact with minors in any way, I completely avoid them. I never find myself pleasuring on a fantasy, but instead fantasizing during pleasuring (I hope that makes sense)

I don't expect to be loved here. I'm just reaching out as another human being, curious about his own self. I want nothing more than to understand myself and be myself. I now accept that I don't have an interest in actually participating in sex with another, and I won't force it on me again, but the idea that I am repressing because of what I had done, the one everyone gets when I mention asexuality, I know to be incorrect. I had this lack of interest before then, it didn't just pop up afterthefact.

I just wanted to be normal. (Pretty frakking disgustingly idiotic way of going for that, eh?)

Now I just want to be me.

[SuperHorace]

I don't have time to read all of it, but I want one thing to be clear: We won't judge you here.

[Sinead Buckley]

I probably should've looked at your screen name first because I read half of the post thinking you were a girl(sorry). Although you may feel that there's something wrong with you, it doesn't seem to be at the degree you think it is. The furry activity and role playing are just fetishes however you should take more care in the future when picking sexual partners. In the LGBT community gay men aren't all that phased by age groups so I could hardly fault you for having some fun with a few teenage boys, but you should probably put all that behind you. The last thing you want is to be charged as a sex offender or pedophile! For now, don't torment yourself about the past, just focus on being happy and healthy. All the members of AVEN try to support each other as best we can and we're certainly not going to turn you away when you're being sincere about your problems.

[Sundance_]

I second what Sinead says. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time but glad you've come to AVEN. It's probably the friendliest forum on the internet. I hope you can start finding yourself and coming to peace with it. I think you'll fit in just fine.

[Tessc]

Like Sinead said, the whole furry thing is just a fetish: we have a fetish thread on here, so you're not alone in that part here :) (And believe me, I have a few really weird kinks, so that's nothing strange!) It's good to see that you are getting treatment and are sober. I know how difficult that can be, because most of my family are raging alcoholics, so I've seen the struggle they go through. There are all different kinds of people on here and I haven't come across a single one who is judgemental at all, so hopefully you'll find someone you can talk to :)

[Ficulnean]

You misjudged his age. You wouldn't even be telling us about it if that wasn't actually true. The fact that this could happen was a mahor issue with laws protecting minors when they were put in place, and is why the laws were reformed. Don't get me wrong, I don't approve of the action. But mens rea (the mental) component was missing. That's seen in serious offenses to void responsibility (it's not so much applied explicitedly in this context), so as long as you feel bad for the other person that it happened and are willing to accept responsibility should they want you to (and are heathily not blaming yourself for a mistake) then although I don't approve of the action, insofar as it wasn't intended it really wasn't an action in the traditional sense. Now, the other members who've posted before me have already spoken to the fact that we don't judge.

I'd say that a lot of what you have is really strong fetishes with really strong sensual attraction with a moderate libido. But still, if you don't want sex with another person, and this isn't a choice of celibacy from feeling bad (which it sounds like it isn't because you forced yourself into these situations because of this feeling), then yes, you fall on the asexual spectrum. Of course, you know more of the specifics about yourself than I do, so use these terms I give as a starting point. Just matching up where I'm identifying these traits based on your staements will give you a framework to start from.

Also, again, there's a fetishest community here too. Enough so so that even with all my knowledge of asexuality coming from this site, I've managed to properly attach myself to that term.

And yes, it sounds like if sex is a large part of the furry community, and you want to be part of that community, that you have been trying to condition yourself. Makes sense to me.