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Would a sexual girl be embarrassed to find out an ex from a long relationship is asexual?


Diceman

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That's my only worry about being openly asexual. I feel like if people know I was asexual, the people I know who are also friends with my ex would look at her and think "So those 3 years you guys were together, you never had sex?" which is true. We didn't. I feel that would really embarrass her if people knew she was in a sexless relationship for that long. Even though we're no longer together and rarely ever talk to each other, I still love her and wouldn't want to put her in that situation.

Then again it could come as a relief to her as an answer to why we never did, or she could be angry at me for not having known. Who knows.

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i'm no expert at theese kinds of things but i'd try asking her first if she would be embarassed if people knew ^_^

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Chilbo_Baggins

I would definitely try to talk to her first and see how she would feel about it before coming out, considering how concerned you are for her reputation.

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I wouldn't be, but that's because I'm asexual. This forum is probably the wrong place to ask this, and just asking her would be best.

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However if she wants you to come out as asexual at the same time not wanting everyone to know the intimate details of your sex life when you were together, then maybe when you come out, you could be sure to point out to your mutual friends that not all asexuals obstain from sexual activity (as a casual comment - not referncing your ex specifically, of course). Hopefully that would stop people from making assumptions about the frequency of sexual activity in your past relationships.

I still agree with the other posters though - I think it would be best to talk to her first since you care about her feelings : ) Good luck!

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Bubblegum Princess

personally, I wouldnt be worried about what people thought of my ex if they came to find they had a relationship with an asexual person. If anyone asks any of my exes about our sex life, they can tell them it's none of their business because it's really not. I don't feel like I should have to be secretive about my sexuality because it might make people assume my ex was in a sexless relationship. BUT that's just me. I might just be kind of selfish for only worrying about my own comfort in the end. It wouldn't hurt to talk to her about it just to give her a heads up. Just so she's prepared. But I wouldn't let her opinion dictate wether or not you choose to be openly asexual. That's something only you should choose for yourself based on your own wants and needs.

And I'd also like to add that I'm positive my last ex would probably actually be relieved to know due how many issues we had. Yours might be too. Her close friends might know about a lot of the details anyway. Its not uncommon for people to discuss their relationships with friends.

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Nosy people will be nosy. You're not responsible for them. If her friends give her a hard time, that is an issue of her choice in friends rather than whatever aspects about your life (yours specifically, not things about your relationship in particular) you choose to disclose.

If you are that concerned though, and you have a means to drop her a line, try asking her about it first.

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apokalyptisch

Nah. I wouldn't. Then again, my exes are my exes for a reason. I don't really care what they do now.

When I was dating them, I liked them. That works for me.

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Hi Diceman, I've been in a relationship with my asexual boyfriend for 3 years now. It took me over 2 years to figure out what's going on. It was a very painful time for both of us. I thought it was me for the longest time. I thought he just wasn't comfortable with me, so I was flipping out quite often about it. I did my research and now I understand that he's asexual even tho he wouldn't talk about it. I saw the relief in his eyes when I said at the couple therapy that I don't care anymore that we don't have sex.

If you still love your ex then just tell her. You don't need to come out to public if you fear that she'd be embarrassed. I think it's wrong if asexuals don't tell their partners. It's nothing to be ashamed off but if you're not honest it can cause all kinds of problems in the relationship. It's not enough to say "I'm just not a physicall person". I'm still furious because my feelings were hurt a lot. I'm a sexual person that has always needed the physical connection. My boyfriend is the greatest love of my life and I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life with him without having sex, but why couldn't he tell me about asexuality earlier so we didn't have to go through the hell?

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but why couldn't he tell me about asexuality earlier so we didn't have to go through the hell?

Are you sure that he even knew?

A lot of asexual people go through life without even knowing that's what they are. It is never taught or talked about in schools. Friends/family aren't likely to bring it up either because they are just as ignorant of the matter. All they are made to feel like by society is that they're freaks and that something's wrong with them that they need to somehow work on.

If it wasn't for me randomly stumbling upon it on tvtropes 4 years ago, I possibly still wouldn't have known. I'm not the type that would have tried to pretend to be a "sexual" person in order to be in a relationship anyway, but many other people are left thinking they will have to try to fake things and "fix" themselves in order to not remain alone.

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Ask her. There is no better way to know. I feel there will be sexuals who wouldn't be ashamed that their relationship lacked sex. There is more to relationship than sex (or is it just asexual thought)

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Like most others are saying, try talking to her. Ask her how she'd feel if it matters that much to you. But I really don't think it's anyone's business whether or not you guys were having sex. If anyone is asking about your sex life with her, I'm assuming she is perfectly capable of saying "It's none of your business/it's personal."

Or, like someone else suggested, you could just explain to people that not all asexuals never have sex, and just leave it open ended like that.

But mostly I think that isn't supposed to be about her. It's about you. It's your sexuality, your identity. Do what's best for you and take care of yourself.

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but why couldn't he tell me about asexuality earlier so we didn't have to go through the hell?

Are you sure that he even knew?

A lot of asexual people go through life without even knowing that's what they are. It is never taught or talked about in schools. Friends/family aren't likely to bring it up either because they are just as ignorant of the matter. All they are made to feel like by society is that they're freaks and that something's wrong with them that they need to somehow work on.

If it wasn't for me randomly stumbling upon it on tvtropes 4 years ago, I possibly still wouldn't have known. I'm not the type that would have tried to pretend to be a "sexual" person in order to be in a relationship anyway, but many other people are left thinking they will have to try to fake things and "fix" themselves in order to not remain alone.

Yeah, as Phil says, many aces don't even know that is what they are. Society slams it down your throat that everyone enjoys sex, everyone wants it, etc etc and when you don't... who do you talk to about it? I tried to discuss some things with friends, they all said I just hadn't done it right yet. Family? Mixed message of "no woman likes it, you just do it for men anyway" and "if you don't like it, either your partner sucked or you just need to do it more to find out what you like". Media? Sex is for everyone. Even talking about my inability to maintain an interest in a sex life with my now partner got me "your partner's were just inexperienced" (before we got together I did try to mention the fact I lose interest in sex in a relationship, because at the beginning "honeymoon phase" I am happy to be in the same room, but after that, sex is so boring). So. I really didn't have a clue until I was 10 years into being sexually active, because I kept trying to find that thing that would suddenly make sex fun that people kept telling me existed, because everyone said people who didn't want sex don't exist. So, it's entirely possible your boyfriend didn't know. Or, if he did, he may have been too ashamed to even say it because men especially get so much pressure to be sexual to be "a man". Which, I think it's important to be honest (if you know, your partner deserves to), but it can be a scary truth to admit to someone.

OP: You being open about your sexuality is really your choice, as it is your life. An ex may be embarrassed if someone comes out as homosexual as well, doesn't mean the person should live in the closet. However, if you want to, you could ask her about it.

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