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Thoughts about my type of grey.


Elaine Watson

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Elaine Watson

Hello people!

Nice to see you here - I am new, so please bear with me. This whole post (and probably thread) is sort of a TL;DR situation, you have been warned.

I am mainly writing this to see how you see it, especially including my usage of terms, but also any and everything else.

I define myself as romantic asexual, not grey or semi. I might be called demi, but I have not yet had a relationship, much less one meaningful enough to know which one it is. However, there are a few things in which I divert from all those "classic" definitions of sexuality and asexuality.

First of all, I see myself as panromantic, but in practice, I am much more attracted to women. It is because the attributes I like in a person are much more common in women, and usually much stronger as well. All in all, if you were to try and put me on the Kinsey Scale, I would be a 1, I believe.

I am asexual, but have not been one all my life - I have been "converted" by what you might call "traumatic events". Most definitions I saw include very prominently that every sexuality is inborn, and is not acquired but is inherent to a person. This is a problem for me, as I used to be a heteroromantic heterosexual, and I am having problems understanding what I am. So far, the only suggestion (except ignoring the definitions) is "broken".

I have the urge, by the way. I have a very strong libido, at least from what I have gathered from my various friends (all of them sexual, most hetero), but I have no desire to act on it with anyone else, and feel very bad about acting on it in general. I have little sexual attraction, too, although physical attraction I do have. Some people here have mentioned masturbation, by the way, and they tend to say that they like the feeling, and they do it because they enjoy it. I do not enjoy it whatsoever, but I do need to do it, sort of like eating even if all of the food is tasteless or like breathing. I do it because I need to, even if it feels bad. This further complicates me with whether or not I am sexual...

Lately, I have also been haunted by the memory of a recent dream - just a few days back. I dreamed I woke up in my bed, with the friend of my sister next to me. I was not attracted to her, nor am I in real life, because of our limited knowledge of each other, but I do believe her a nice, interesting and intelligent person, which I desire in people. I the dream, I wrapped myself in one of the blankets, and rose from the bed, with her staying in it - very much like women in television series tend to be portrayed doing. Then, somewhat ashamed of my body, I dressed up from only my sweatshirt to fully clothed, trying to make sure she does not see too much. Moreover, I am 18 and she is 15, and this implies we just had done (assuming I consented) something illegal, for the age difference makes waht happened in this dream very likely to be statutory rape. This dream complicates it all, as it indicates a part of me that is very sexual, to the point of criminally so.

Sorry for the rambling.

You are all welcome to respond however you like, especially with your own stories or with questions. Thank you for reading!

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ItAllMakesSense

Welcome, Tal. You seem educated and selective with the words and points you make. As far as your dream goes, perhaps it could be a subliminal thing that might be too difficult to make sense of. Have dreams like this happened before? And if so, were they during certain times? For example, I've noticed sexy dreams spike at times when my hormones change, due to being a lady. I don't want the dreams and try to brush them out of my mind, but it happens. Perhaps your body's hormones are causing this unwanted dream of yours? There's probably a billion other reasons. I hope you get closer to an answer to your search.

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Elaine Watson

Thank you for both the reply and the compliment, MakesSense!

As for dreams, this has not occurred since I was sexual - I only remember having three sexual dreams, all of them shocking. The first two where three years back, I believe, before I was asexual. The first included me knowingly attempting rape, and not going through with it when she says "no". The second was included me having pedophilic tendencies and struggling if to act on them. These two were a significant time apart, and from both I voluntarily woke up mid-dream. The third dream is the one I detailed above, and it was three years later, long after I realized I went through abuse, a few months after I truly did see myself asexual, and a few weeks after I realized I still am abused occasionally, in different ways and by different people. I do not think any of these events are directly related to the dream, but it serves to indicate that it is almost a lifetime apart. I remember that that evening, I felt some connection with her, as we somehow run in the same groups and texted that night. Maybe it is a function of that, but I believe not, as it never happened to me with friends.

I forgot to mention that while I am a sex-positive asexual, I hate the image of myself and sex, and am somewhat repulsed by it. However, I know that to keep a relationship, I am willing to have it, to brush aside my nature, if I am given time and an emotional connection. It will be slow progress, but it will certainly be there, for my partner's sake and for the relationship.

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All I can suggest is to think it through and figure yourself out first before commiting to a relationship of any sort. Get some of the baggage sorted out before you drag it along and dump it on someone else.

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I'd just like to respond to your comment that most definitions say that sexual orientation is innate to a person. That's probably true, but I once identified as a heteroromantic heterosexual because there was no better word for what I was. (It is worth mentioning that in my head, asexuality didn't exist and being trans meant crossdressing and pretending. There was no separation between sexual and romantic, and no separation between sex and gender). When sex didn't work out for me for various reasons and people told me I was broken because I hated it, I didn't want it, it made me uncomfortable and so on, I researched it and came up with asexuality. It was perfect for me.

What I'm saying is that it can be innate without you knowing it was there. I thought I had sexual attraction because I didn't know there was such a thing as romantic attraction. So I thought I was heterosexual. I've always been slightly more inclined to men than women, but not by much, and not (I later realised) in the heterosexual way. In other words, it is entirely possible that you considered yourself heterosexual heteroromantic because there was no reason not to.
We are born with a lot of traits we don't discover until later in life. That doesn't make the traits any more real. You're not broken any more than I am, and I'm not. Even if you had traumatic events that made you feel asexual. I call my sexual experiences uncomfortable. It took the sexual experiences and me being called broken several times before I did the research. I really don't think it matters that you discovered it through traumatic experiences (though I'm sorry you had to do it that way).

And finally, AVEN's Overview page says this: "If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so."

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Elaine Watson

MoonWish, I understand what you are trying to say, but it does not apply to me. I remember what I felt back then, and I did feel sexual attraction, as opposed to romantic attraction. To this day, when I feel attracted to a person, I have this sense that it is not the same as it used to be - that when I was younger, I had not only romantic attraction, but also sexual attraction. I know for a fact that I used to be sexual, to enjoy being sexual, that I felt sexual attraction.

I know that had I not passed through it, I would have been heterosexual, or perhaps pansexual. But I would be sexual. Because of my experience, I believe that sexuality is like any other part of a personality - very fluid. Many assume that it must stay the same, many think it is inborn, but I believe that while there might be an orientation you are born with, it may change. Because I can't make sense of myself otherwise.

Tal Shi'ar, thank you for the advice!

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