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I feel like a fraud - Am I still asexual?


aardvark

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I have identified as an asexual for years now. I have never doubted my asexuality. I had sex for the first time a year and a half ago and then I had sex again twice with two different people some months ago. I am aware that having sex doesn't make you not asexual, but then the thing now, is that I'm experiencing a sort of attraction toward a person. I think that this is not really sexual desire, but then again I am not sure. I really want to get to know him and I don't really care if we just become really close friends or we have sex - it just feels weirdly important to me to get close to this human being. Even though it isn't really specifically sexual desire, it has just left me a bit confused, because I haven't heard other asexual talk of this. Can someone out there in any way relate to this?

Thank you.

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Nope, you're not a fraud. Like you said, having sex is perfectly fine. that doesn't mean you're not asexual.

In regards to this attraction you feel, you're not even 100% sure it is sexual. Too me it seems like romantic attraction, and if you want to cuddle for the sensation, then maybe sensual attraction. Neither of which makes you not asexual. I have some helpful replies given to me regarding this issue in my "I Swear I read the FAQ" post, where I was wondering the exact same thing, and it was my first post here: I wanted to make sure I wasn't a fraud.

And even if it is sexual attraction, I would still call you demisexual. I mean, you don't care if you have sex with him, but you do care about getting to know him. Even if you end up wanting sex after getting to know him, then that is actually more clearly demisexual than the first part of this sentence.

Everything I say is just my opinion, of course. But I'd say you are not a fraud. Really, if you don't want care if you have sex with him even after having tried sex, it doesn't matter if you think that you eventually will. It just means you understand that it's part of a relationship and have no issues with compromising for you partner, which is a good thing.

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The Maple Leaf Forever

Why shouldn't you get get close to him? Just because you have felt like an asexual so far doesn't mean you have to identify as such forever. A label shouldn't stop you from enjoying a relationship or letting it develop naturally where it's heading. Maybe you will discover in the end that you have simply entered a sexual phase; it's your choice in the end.

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It's not a sin to be sexual either. If you were honest with yourself when you identified as such there's no big deal. Rules and labels were made to assist understanding and growth, not to be blindly adhered to for their own sake.

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Elaine Watson

You might like to consider whether if you are demisexual - or maybe semisexual. It sounds like a solution to your dilemma. <3

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I don't think you are a fraud. I'm in a similar situation. I'm also feeling "an attraction" towards a certain individual and doing all sorts of things I've never done with them. We did some sexual things and I wanted to do them which has never occurred to me before with anyone else. I was even leaning towards demisexuality but after doing some reflecting I don't think I'm sexually attracted to them but I want to do sexual stuff with them because I want to feel closer to them, both emotionally and physically. However, if that person wasn't attracted to me romantically and sexually, I wouldn't desire doing any of it with them. I want it because they want it. I want to give them everything I could. Is that how you feel?

I don't know about you but I don't think mine is romantic attraction either. I just really like them intensely lol I don't normally do romantic things either but I'm testing the waters in that department too because of that person.

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I don't think you are a fraud. I'm in a similar situation. I'm also feeling "an attraction" towards a certain individual and doing all sorts of things I've never done with them. We did some sexual things and I wanted to do them which has never occurred to me before with anyone else. I was even leaning towards demisexuality but after doing some reflecting I don't think I'm sexually attracted to them but I want to do sexual stuff with them because I want to feel closer to them, both emotionally and physically. However, if that person wasn't attracted to me romantically and sexually, I wouldn't desire doing any of it with them. I want it because they want it. I want to give them everything I could. Is that how you feel?

I don't know about you but I don't think mine is romantic attraction either. I just really like them intensely lol I don't normally do romantic things either but I'm testing the waters in that department too because of that person.

Yes! This is exactly how I feel! You're literally explaining my situation. I'm glad you can relate. Testing out the waters is propably what I'm doing too. "Sex-curious". Yeah. Thank you for writing about your situation. It really made me happy, you're in a similar situation and it has turned out fine for you.

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Why shouldn't you get get close to him? Just because you have felt like an asexual so far doesn't mean you have to identify as such forever. A label shouldn't stop you from enjoying a relationship or letting it develop naturally where it's heading. Maybe you will discover in the end that you have simply entered a sexual phase; it's your choice in the end.

^^this. (and it is why i dont like labels..)

People change.

If I had known the terms asexual and aromantic in my early-mid teens I would have identified as both.

By my late teens i had experienced romantic attraction definitely (and yeah, that was confusing! the 1st time), so that has changed for me.

It can't be 'fraudulent' to identify with the label that best describes your experiences to date, just because your experiences in the future are going to be different... (unless you can see into the future :blink: )

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Attractions come in many different forms, and having an attraction to someone does not mean it is a sexual attraction.

You could be having a romantic attraction to the individual, or if you don't actually have the wish to really start a relationship with them, it could also be considered a 'squish'. If you're looking at this person and thinking about how beautiful/handsome they are, you're probably having an aesthetic attraction (or something along those lines I can't remember the correct term).

You're not a fraud, even if you turned out to be a sexual you still wouldn't be a fraud. Everybody changes, sometimes the change is sexuality. I hope you find the answers you're looking for, and just follow whatever your heart tells you.

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