Changing your 'identity' later in life

[Maven2014]

OK, so I know there are a few of us here who have been 'round the houses' so to speak with our sexual/asexual identity.

When I was in my teens and very early twenties, I identified as straight. Then from my early twenties onwards, I only had lesbian relationships. Then in my early forties, I felt that I was bisexual, although I never acted on it, it was my mindset.

Now, at the age of 44 I finally understand that I am asexual, probably have been all along, but was bring sexually active because that was what was expected.

How do you rationalise this? Whilst I am comfortable in myself that this is right for me, I am fully aware that the gay community of which I have been part for 20 plus years are going to find this hard to swallow. Especially as in my mind, I know that if I do find an asexual person to have a relationship with, I need it to be a man.

How have things panned out for you, if you are further down the road than me on this journey?

I know there isn't one answer, I'm just keen to know your experiences.

Thank you

[Techie]

I am 52 and have always considered myself, and still do, "straight" as I am heteroromantic. For me the question would be what is the definition of "straight" exactly. Does it only apply to sexual attraction or does it apply to romantic attraction as well. Granted you do have people who can be heteroromantic/homosexual, homoromantic/heterosexual, biromantic/heterosexual, etc., etc. which adds to the confusion of labels. The fact that I cannot recall ever having experienced "lust" yet find women aesthetically attractive causes me to define myself as straight though asexual. If I were aesthetically attracted to men I would consider myself "gay" and homoromantic.

I guess it all boils down to what dictionary you use. :D

[Bronte]

I can relate to this, I've only had straight relationships, only because I think that was what was expected, two non-straight experiences, (never really thought that qualified me as lesbian though) but for the most part of my 30's I always presumed I must 'bi'.

Now I am awakened to my asexuality, everything about my past relationships that were wrong make sense now and it sort of makes me feel more acceptance for myself because this is who I really am.

Similar to yourself, if I ever want to be in a relationship again I feel it would be with a male romantically, but platonically with any gender.

[Maven2014]

I get that 'before' I was aligning my sexuality (straight/gay/whatever) with sexual activity - and now as I have realised my asexuality, I can still be straight/gay/whatever - it's just more that for me I feel like I've gone round in a big circle. For me, this fluidity isn't an issue - it's just a hard story to tell. Although for some reason, I think that any asexual partner might be more accepting/understanding of the varied journey I've taken to get here.

I fully accept that in my newness to this realisation of my asexuality, I'm a big like an overexcited child at the moment....!

[truthisbest7]

To Mavin....I thought I was straight up hetero all my life. And now I know that I'm asexual. That's not a bad thing. I also find that I am attracted to a very few women...but that I cannot fathom doing anything sexually with them. There is no way. Now I haven't always been this way. I thought I was hetero. Chasing guys around and jumping into bed with whoever I wanted too. But now I know that the whole thing was an act. It was peer pressure. I really had no desire at all. But it took me YEARS to figure this out. And it's ok. Because now I know.

[potato-chip]

I am 39 and only in the last year or so considered myself to be asexual. Like others, I engaged in sexual relationships because I thought that was what people did. So I did a lot of things I didn't really want to do.

I have been celibate for about a year now, maybe more. The longer my celibacy continues, the more comfortable I feel!

In fact, I think I am developing sex repulsion. The thought of dealing with someone's genitals now, or giving them access to my body, makes me a little nauseous! Has anyone else developed an aversion for sex, later in life?

[TheLastOfSheila]

I am 39 and only in the last year or so considered myself to be asexual. Like others, I engaged in sexual relationships because I thought that was what people did. So I did a lot of things I didn't really want to do.

I have been celibate for about a year now, maybe more. The longer my celibacy continues, the more comfortable I feel!

In fact, I think I am developing sex repulsion. The thought of dealing with someone's genitals now, or giving them access to my body, makes me a little nauseous! Has anyone else developed an aversion for sex, later in life?

Yes, potato-chip. I have not had sex for the past eight years, and I feel absolutely great! I am also developing a real aversion to sex as well. I don't want my genitals touched at all. I can barely stand to get a gynecological exam any more. I have no interest in dealing with anyone else's genitals either.

I grew up in a time when we were expected to fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, marry, and have children. So I did all of the heterosexual things that I was expected to do. I had sex with boyfriends when I was in college, then with my husband because it was the only way to keep a man, at least that is what I thought then. I did feel emotional love, yes, but sex I could take or leave. It was not until my mid to late thirties, a common time for women to begin their sexual peak, that I felt any desire for sex at all. However, I was in a marriage with a man who, for health reasons, really could not be very sexually active (although, looking back, I suspect he may have been on the asexual spectrum even before his health issues began - he was never a very sexual person). When I became a widow, and started dating, it really was not out of a desire for sex. It was more for companionship. I had been part of a couple for half of my life, and it felt so weird being a singleton again. The sex with my boyfriend was okay, but it could not make up for what was lacking emotionally in the relationship.

We have been told all of our lives that having an active sex life is crucial to our mental and physical health. I know now that is nothing but a myth. My mental health has never been better. As far as my physical health, I am experiencing the usual health issues that one sees in late middle age, but I look about 15 years younger than I really am. I love being on my own, and being the captain of my own fate. I love being free from the scourge of sexual desire. I am a warm and affectionate person, not at all cold or distant; perhaps even a little romantic too. However, I could go for the rest of my life without ever having sex again, and that would be fine with me. :)

[cdrdash]

I took an almost similar path to you. I also identified as straight in my teens and twenties. From 30 onward I identified as lesbian. We part ways here though. I never identified as bisexual. In 2007 when I was 46 I came to identify as an asexual lesbian or homo-romantic asexual. I still want to be in a relationship with a woman but not have any sex. I suppose I might be a bi-romantic asexual but only in the sense that I think there is an off chance that I could fall in love with a man. However, so far, I only seem to click in that fantastic way with other women so I still ID as asexual lesbian.

I was a virgin till I was 42 when I finally had sex for the first time in my first lesbian relationship. From 42 to 47, I unfortunately put my ex through a lot of suffering while I figured out I was asexual and did not want to have sex with her. We ended up breaking up in part because we could not find a way to deal with me being asexual and her being very sexual. We simply were too wide apart to find a way to compromise.

I don't think my sexual orientation is fluid. I feel as if it has been constant over my life. In my gut, I have never wanted to have sex. Its just until I knew about asexuality, I thought that this feeling of not wanting to have sex would go away when I met the right man. I never met a right man so I figured OK its because I haven't met the right woman. And I did get more engaged and felt more energy when I hung out with groups of women (still do). Then I never met the right woman (right in the sense that I would desire sex with her) either. Finally, I learned about asexuality and it was congruent with my gut feelings. So I feel I have been asexual all my life but just not known it!

Since figuring out I am asexual, I have been hanging out in the fairly new asexual community in the San Francisco bay area and having fun but not meeting any fellow asexual lesbians in my age range so I still do hang out in the lesbian community.

I often come out to folks in the lesbian community as asexual to educate them about it and also just so they don't get their hopes up of pursuing me for a sexual relationship. Most of the times I have come out I get a weird look and they change the subject. Sometimes I get someone who doesn't believe I'm asexual and they argue with me about it and put forth the opinion that I have a sexual dysfunction. If I'm feeling energetic I will argue with them and so far have convinced them that I am right by turning the tables on them and insisting that they are straight and giving them the same arguments for it that they just gave me for not being asexual.

The last time I came out was on a a hike with a lesbian hiking group and one of the woman said she had seen the Asexual documentary film and thought she might be asexual too. Unfortunately I was the hike leader and shortly after she said that, the troops were getting restless to continue our hike after the lunch stop so I didn't have time to talk with her more about it. Darn! But it bodes well with my theory that I'm more likely to run into other asexual lesbians in the lesbian community then in the fairly new and young SF bay area asexual community.

So ... that's my story! Hope you enjoyed it.

Cathy

[yellow]

Hi Maven, I've also tried on many different hats in the journey to figure out where I am on the sexuality spectrum. I realized I was different in elementary school, but was too young to identify how I knew that. I just knew the other girls in my class had crushes on the boys, not on the other girls. That feeling of being different continued into junior high where it just got more confusing. Suddenly I was thinking girls were cute and boys were cute and it was too much. I realized that the other girls didn't seem to think the lesbian gym teachers were hot like I secretly did, but I also realized that there was no real option other than liking boys, and that the male history teacher was pretty cute too. When I had my first kiss with a boy at 16 I knew something was definitely different. What was the fuss all about? Anyway, I continued to identify as straight because that's what you did, and I dated boys throughout high school and college. Thankfully I had the church to blame for wanting to wait until marriage for sex (though I didn't always follow my own rules sadly) and that kept me out of a lot of uncomfortable situations. But I couldn't help but wonder if I was gay because I didn't enjoy sex with men. So I identified as a lesbian for a while, but after going out with a woman and having my first kiss with a woman, I didn't think it felt right either. So then I was just nothing. I had no name for what I was for quite a while. I felt like I was bi because I found men attractive, as well as women. But I realized I didn't want to have sex with any of them. Thankfully I found Aven in my 30's and realized where I am on that spectrum and why I've always felt so uncomfortable with dating and sex. Over the years I learned to be patient with myself, having faith that I would figure it out when the timing was right, and I got comfortable telling myself over the years that I didn't know where I fit, but that it was still ok because I was being honest with myself. It's definitely been a journey!

[Sally]

I was married, and then had a long sexual relationship with someone who is now a friend. When I finally discovered asexuality, I realized I'd been asexual all my life. I told my then-partner, and I found that I could not imagine ever having sex again -- sex-repulsed, I guess. But it doesn't bother me, since I don't have to think about it anymore.

[ladygray]

Am I a 'graysexual'?

So I stumbled across the term asexual today while on Facebook.

I immediately felt a sense of relief that what I have been feeling for about 6 years is somewhat normal, and not uncommon. Now I am diving in here for feedback as to the authenticity of my perceived asexuality, as I know almost nothing about this whole arena.

My story:

I was a highly sexual teen and young adult, but only when in a relationship. I never slept around, but I had a lot of crazy sex with my various boyfriends throughout the years. I was this way right up until 2007 when I entered therapy due to being in a relationship with a man who was anxious and upset by sexual intercourse. Through the course of my therapy I learned that I had a distorted view of love, and truly believed that the proper way to show love was through sexual acts. This was a belief developed because of a history of childhood sexual abuse from a parent and close family friends. I didn't realize until I was in my 30's that I was equating sex with love, and this was only discovered when I entered therapy to find out why my boyfriend 'didn't love me because he didn't want to have sex with me'. I learned through the therapy sessions that love and sex are two totally different things and are not required to be together to have a successful relationship. Well, fast forward 7 years, and I am still with the same man, and I plan to be for life. Over the first year I came to terms with his phobias regarding sex, and I thought I had just learned to 'settle' for a sexually devoid relationship. I love him deeply, and he loves me, and we really are totally great together and very happy.

Well there has been a gradual shift over the years, to the point where now he likes to have occasional sex (mostly for relief and a bit for the intimacy), but I have no desire at all. By occasional, I mean once or twice a month at most. I have tried to think back to the last time I truly felt 'horny' and wanted to have sex; it was before I came to my realizations about sex not being the same as love. I don't find sex very pleasurable; it's more of a nuisance like scrubbing the tub. Something I know I have to do once in a while, but I don't look forward to it, and I try to avoid it as long as possible. There is the same sense of relief once it's done too...."Phew! I don't have to clean the tub for a whole month now!"

I honestly thought right up until today, that this was something wrong with me. That learning to live in this sexually lacking relationship had 'broken' me. But now after reading a bit on the forums here, it seems I may be asexual?! What a relief to feel like maybe this is not an abnormal condition of an abnormal relationship!

But my real question here is can I really be asexual if I used to have such strong desires for sex? Did I ever even really want that sex, or was that just me equating sex with love, and really only wanting to be loved and accepted by someone; not really wanting to be desired? Was I always asexual and just didn't know it? Can I really fit in in an asexual community? What are your opinions people? I'd like to hear...

As to how I feel about sex now, and have for the last 6 years consistently: I will have sex with my partner about half of the times he requests it (= about once a month). I will occasionally masturbate (about twice a month) while thinking about mostly non-sexual things, and strictly for relief, but then I'm thankful it's over for a while. I do find men sexy and pleasing to look at, and I do feel attraction, but I have no desire to have any form of sexual touching. I'm not fond of physical touching except things like drawing on each other's back, and I hate cuddling except when I'm upset. I don't like to hold hands and I hate open mouthed kissing. Despite all of that, I am intensely happy to be in a 'romantic' relationship with my partner. I would be happier if we never had sex again, but not by that much. I feel very emotionally close to him though I have little to no desire to be physically close except once in a great while. I like to have my hand on his leg once in a while, or vice versa, but only when I feel a strong need to prove that we are more than just friends living together, and that we are still relating on some type of intimate level. Does this make any sense to anyone on here?

I'll leave it at that and see what the responses are.

Thanks in advance for your opinions and feedback.

[cdrdash]

@ladygray ...I can't say if you are asexual or not. If you think that asexual definition describes you as you are now, well then you probably are asexual. I don' think it really matters to most of us in the community if you desired sex in the past. My experience with this community so far is that there are no asexual police running around judging if someone is really asexual or not and that folks who can't decide one way or the other are very welcome hang out here as long as they want to explore asexuality and get to know asexuals.

Cathy

[Spotastic]

As Cathy said, nobody can really tell you whether or not you are asexual. If you think the definition fits, then it fits. As someone who is Gray-A, I can tell you that from what you've said it seems like you fit pretty well into the same category as me. I'm married, and my wife is not asexual, and we've had sex for years until coming across this site several months ago. I didn't really have a problem with it, but things were always a bit awkward in some way or another. What I've learned since then is that it's not actual intercourse that I want, but I do desire a certain level of intimacy. Hand-holding, kissing, hugging, cuddling up while going to bed or watching something on tv - these are the things that I crave.

I also fall into the gray-romantic category, since while I am attracted to women, I have no real desire for traditional romance in most cases. Things like what to do for Valentine's Day or even anniversaries are foreign to me. And yet, I do desire that intimacy as previously mentioned.

People can fall into a lot of categories with regards to sexuality, and most people don't really understand themselves well enough to get everything "right". That's why a lot of people hate labels altogether. But, if you feel like this is something that you can relate to, then welcome to the asexual club and have some !

[Skycaptain]

Like most other responders I spent my adult life until this year pretending to have a different orientation, and indeed probably gender, and therefore sexuality as well. I, like I expect, most people, was raised expecting to conform to cis-gendered heterosexual norms. Not wishing to rock the boat I carried on this pretence until recently. Unrelated medical events caused me to finally admit that this picture of me was wrong, but in a far more radical way than anyone, (except my super-intelligent sister) expected. Having never actually been involved in a relationship in my entire life the description of me as asexual was a shock to no-one but myself. A-romanticism quickly followed. Having the condition XXY hypothesised by both my GP and a psychiatrist within the space of two weeks was one hell of a shock though. I am still waiting for official confirmation of this, but the evidence is fairly compelling. The upshot is that, at this moment, I cannot consider myself to be genetically male, but intersex. Hence all hetero-labelling has gone clean out of the window. It can be noted that when I finally accepted within myself the truth of these hypotheses the sense of relief, and de-stressing I felt was immense. A simple numerical point is that my blood pressure fell by 10mm/Hg overnight and has stayed at the new level ever since. I have outed myself on both these matters, and feel that I am finally no longer living a lie. The inner happiness I have located has had another major benefit as well. I was able to give up a 20+ units per day alcohol habit overnight, and with no outside support, having crawled inside the bottle as a teenager. :D

As I have said to friends, family, colleagues and medical practitioners. The person I was is dead. New me has been created using the same body, but has a completely different personality. :P Now happier, more extrovert and talkative, calmer, responsible(!) and care about my health. Even better I can actually feel emotions and empathise with people occasionally, for the first time ever.

edited as I made a typing error

[Tanwen]

I'm also an alcohol survivor - lost far too many years to it but almost 4 years free now. It's when you stop you realise how it affects the thought processes - however I haven't become more extrovert...I guess it's just part of my nature.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

It seems so long ago that I finally escaped the Procrustean bed of gendersex expectations and started to live free. Like having taken a bite of the Apple and getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden.

I never liked gardening, anyway. So I don't give two hoots about those Flaming Swords barring the way back in. :)

If anyone gets back in? Give my regards to the serpent and thank him for the complementary cinnamon for moi, si'l vous plait?

[Moonchaser]

was bring sexually active because that was what was expected.

I definitely identify with this. I got married to have a romantic partner. It just seemed to come with the territory that there would be sex involved. In the beginning I wanted children, too, and of course that seemed to require sex.

But I never had the experience of identifying as anything but hetero. I know that as a teen I wondered if not being interested in sex meant I was lesbian, but only for a few seconds until I realized I'd never been attracted to females the way I was attracted to males. I think everyone is beautiful, I have an aesthetic appreciation of the human form and love beauty in men and women (though I have never defined it as in super-model beauty). I also have an intellectual/emotional appreciation of personalities and character. But I was only ever romantically interested in males. So I've only ever identified as heterosexual and as heteroromantic asexual.

[Moonchaser]

I have no real desire for traditional romance in most cases. Things like what to do for Valentine's Day or even anniversaries are foreign to me. And yet, I do desire that intimacy as previously mentioned.

For me, the desire for an intimate partnership is my measure of romantic attraction. I detest most holidays and cultural gift exchanges. To me it's not romantic to be told by the calendar when one should give a gift or show affection, and such things are too often used to shame or inflict guilt. I detest Valentine's Day and don't acknowledge it at all. I'm a romantic just the same. :)

[PatheticGirl]

In this sexual world, the first thing we try to do is follow what most of the world is doing i.e. try for sex. If you wouldn't, you are out casted. Now, that asexuality is gaining visibility it is easier to express one selves but 10 years back people thought you are unfit and so you don't want sex. Hence, at one time everyone would have tried to be something other than asexual, just for the sake of society we live in

[Aisntllecxtual]

I identified myself as hetero up until a bit more than two and a half years ago, but realized in retrospect (it is true, hindsight is always 20/20) that I had always been asexual. I remember looking up the word asexual in Webster's around my mid-20s, what, I think, was just prior to my first sexual experience (long before the internet and just after the first PC made its debut) and reading the dictionary definition, which applied to biological reproduction, not human orientation. What questioning/inkling I had back then became shuttered (remained that way for just a bit over quarter of a century). I can't say this was the case with questioning my gender. First evidence that I was quite different was at age 10 (perhaps, even a bit older) when I was at a neighbor's home and the girl there mistook me as another girl ("I wish to go out and play with her".) I was privately elated by her "mistake." This gender dysphoria manifested itself most acutely in young adulthood, where I not only considered myself as transvestite, but also as transsexual. Into my 30s, the aforementioned conduct/feelings receded, dissipated, disappeared - only seemingly, in my present awareness, now convinced that there is a deep complex relationship between this past of gender questioning and my realization/identification as asexual today (specifically, in contrast to OP, for me, the road to asexuality went through the thick forest of gender (of being trans) than that of questioning sexual attraction (whether I was gay of bi)). In that quarter century, I spent three ~7 year periods without sex and never missed it. I felt spiritually empty through all the sexual experiences I have had (and considering that I am 54 the experiences number quite low, ~30-35), even in my first encounter which was enjoyable but afterwards felt empty: it was actually kind of traumatically alienating (hard to describe), and I had absolutely no desire to repeat the experience. Subsequent sexual experiences I had almost uniformly tried to avoid the act, when happened been underwhelming to say the very least. Where I did initiate - and that has been exceedingly rare (a grand total of twice I think) it was out of own self-imposed assumption as expectation of partner. The most exhilarating experience I had was in a relationship when I was 18 (she was in a dysfunctional relationship when we were involved) where we never had sex, heavily made out a lot with all our clothes on (skin-to-skin touching only on face and hands). When it came time for sexual encounter, well, nothing, it was more than utter inexperience, the expectation, naked reality... so much more exciting with all our clothes on. I stayed single until I was nearly 49 years old, and, ironically, the marriage occurred when, I think I was on the verge of realizing my asexuality (but I think it required the pressure cooker of sexual expectation in marriage to make it bubble over, give me my epiphany). I was attracted to my present wife's intellect, her aesthetic beauty, and the exciting challenge of an intercultural relationship. I expected a sexless relationship and was given a decent reason to believe that is what she could be happy with as well (but, I have to admit, there was one contradictory sign I negligently chose to ignore). Hindsight, upshot, communication was lacking on both sides. Deluded ourselves, repressed, changed over (yes, even, over short) time, I don't know - maybe, a combination or all apply. Romance? Well, let's just say, (after spilling my guts all over the page, I might as well go on), I can relate to statements above, I don't like Valentine's Day at all. Any romantic outpourings that are viewed as expected, as obligatory, churn my stomach - I rebel in horror. My ideal relationship would be totally platonic and unimaginably romantic. For me, this is not just not contradiction, but paradoxically antithesis of opposition, as synergistic: I cannot envision being in a romantic relationship that is not simultaneously platonic. I owe my marriage to the aforementioned startling recent revelation and little more than two and a half years previous to the realization (the gift of enlightenment) of my asexuality. What I will forever sorely regret is the harm I have done to my wife (and, indeed, all my past intimate relationships). Sorry about this long ramble. Despite expressing my story in other postings in relative bits and pieces, I just started writing, and it took on a marathon life of its own... Shame on you hands! :lol:

[Schrecken]

This evolution of identity has indeed happened in my life, but in my case it seems to be running in the opposite direction from most. I had always just figured I was hetero, but I also knew I was different than most other people. When I was in mylate teens and early 20's I was actually really sex repulsed big time. I had crushes, but I never wanted to do anything more than simple kissing or hand holding (well, ok, I was also interested in non-sexual kinky stuff too...but that's a whole 'nother topic) back then. And as I got older I became far more"live and let live" and the sexual repulsion faded away, but I still had no desire to involve myself in any of it. My libido plummeted and I just forgot about sex and even romance and when I heard the term"asexual" for the first time I knew it fit me to a T. But, once I became all nice and comfy in my grey-a identity, along came someone who has caused me to swing really far towards being sexual. I still consider myself grey-a, but I am currently planning to have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and surprisingly I am enjoying what we have done so far (all but first base, so to speak)and I actually find myself looking forward to having a sexual relationship with him. No idea if I will enjoy sex when the novelty wears off, but either way I have made nearly a full 180 turn in my30+ years of adult life.

[thisforumisstupid]

I am 39 and only in the last year or so considered myself to be asexual. Like others, I engaged in sexual relationships because I thought that was what people did. So I did a lot of things I didn't really want to do.

I have been celibate for about a year now, maybe more. The longer my celibacy continues, the more comfortable I feel!

In fact, I think I am developing sex repulsion. The thought of dealing with someone's genitals now, or giving them access to my body, makes me a little nauseous! Has anyone else developed an aversion for sex, later in life?

Hi there, I'm a good bit older than you, but can relate to what you're saying. I grew up in a time where it was expected that girls would get married, have babies, and be a good wife (and fulfill all the duties), mom, and homemaker. And I followed that path and believed with all my heart that it was the right and best thing to do at the time. In a great deal of retrospect since being widowed, I realize that I was essentially playing a role, although with very sincere intentions . . . I was a good and faithful wife, a dedicated mom, for all appearances I was the "happy homemaker" - but in truth, I probably should have remained single and built a solid career for myself early on and thus, would have avoided the sexual obligations of marriage and all the familial discord that so many of us are subjected to over the years. When I was single, I seldom dated and was perfectly happy, always had productive and constructive things to do. Given that I did choose to lead the typical married life, it came down to just what you said, doing things you didn't really want to do - and that's not right or fair to us as beings on this earth.

But . . . as a believer in destiny, I know it was all meant to be, for whatever reasons . . . just as I've been led to being a proponent of asexuality and in the search, found this forum and whatever path I follow from here.

I so agree with you . . . the longer I remain celibate, the better I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally. And a big yes! on the repulsion factor - I know exactly what you mean, the thought of 'those' body parts touching, giving "access" is indeed kind of nauseating, just thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies! lol . . . but there's also something else and that's the freedom from sexually-transmitted diseases and infections and even minor irritations that women of all ages can experience, not to mention the hygiene factor which anyone with common sense should consider.

I'm sure the critics "out there" would say to us, "oh there must be something wrong with you" and to them I would say nope, this is the most right I've been in decades!