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What does 'romance' mean?


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Hi all

Please forgive the beginner question, but I am (a) very new to realising that I am asexual (as in, knowing that there is a word for it), and (b) very new to this forum and all the terminology.

I did initially put in my profile that I am GrayA, but now I'm not so sure. The more I read, the more I think I'm plain old Asexual. Anyway, one thing I really am scratching my head over is what you all mean by 'romance' or 'romantic'. Is this only a state of mind, or is it the way that somebody might act towards a partner?

I'm really not big on lots of body contact - kissing other than a brief peck on the lips/cheek makes me feel uncomfortable. However, hand holding is OK sometimes (although again, I'm not big on public displays of affection). I do like some hugs, but not all the time, everywhere. Actually, I really have to be in the mood, thinking about it!

I do have deep feelings for people that I care about, so I'm not unfeeling (far from it), but I'm wondering if I err towards the aromantic. I don't know!

I know there isn't a one-size fits all, but I'd really appreciate some guidance!

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My understanding only ...

Romance or "romantic" is a state in a relationship. The ability to be ones self. To find ways to make each other happy. Not always in a relationship but most of the time is only found in a relationship. Being romantic is thinking of things to do for someone else who you value and care for. The small things can be making someone dinner and the sort. No big deal. About touch, being romantic does not always include touch. It is optional.

Should be taken as my understanding only.

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Hmm Always a tricky question, that. I think the interpretation varies a lot from person to person. However the way I see it, it's something different than a friendship, which dictates that you act differently towards a romantic partner than a friend.

There are things you wouldn't do with a friend, not because you don't care for the friend but because you don't care for them in that way. In a romantic relationship, I think there would be a different kind of bond than in a friendship. In other words, I think it is the way you act in regards to your romantic partner. The partner falls into a different category than your friends because the connection is different.

I, myself, waver between Demi-panromantic and aromantic because the definition is blurry to me. I can for instance picture myself in a relationship with a (specific) person I have a very strong friendship with, but I am not sure if this relationship would be romantic or otherwise. Initially though, I identify on the romantic spectrum only because I have felt the tinge of need to be closer to some person or other (to whom I at the time had an attraction) than a friendship can give me.

So the way I see it, a romantic relationship is - though not closer or more valuable than a friendship - different in that it allows you to act differently with that person. I for one would not have affections like caressing or cuddling with a friend, whereas I would do that with a romantic partner. On the other hand some people are more affectionate than others, even to friends.

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I have always seen romantic as having the feeling of wanting to be with someone doing something. Like having a conversation, watching a movie, or walking in the park hand-in-hand. I want to be around this person, I just don't want to have sex, or kiss for that matter. I want to be around them and enjoy their presence. I don't think I am sensual at the best of times, so this is how I view being romantic. I want these things with someone else, just not the sex thing yet, or ever, I don't know how this situation would play out.

Hope the rambling above makes sense.

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Cereal Tendencies

For me being aromantic, I define it as someone who doesn't experience limerence as opposed to someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction, because everyone defines romantic attraction differently, as you can see from the above posts :D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Quick signs whether you only see them as a friend or if you are romantically attracted:

  • "Crushing" on them
  • wanting to kiss them
  • wanting to hold hands
  • other forms of public displays of affection
  • Seeing a future with that person

The above are usually things you will never do with a friend, no matter how close the two of you are.

Hope this helps :)

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It's subjective. There isn't even word for it in my native language. The exact definition of romance doesn't really exist. It depends on how you feel, where you are from and how you were raised (in terms of what is considered romance in your environment).

Personally, I see "romance" as a social construct influenced by cultures and media. For example, giving flowers is romantic in some parts of the world but I heard it's not in others.

Romance can lead to romantic behavior which is also a social construct but also individualized. Holding hands is not romantic in many parts of Asia. You can get very physically affectionate with your friends. Intimate platonic touching over here can be interpreted as romantic behavior in western countries. In my opinion, if you see a certain gesture as romantic, then it's romantic for you. There's no rules and regulations about what is romantic and what is not.

Romantic attraction and romantic feelings are very internal. To be honest I can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings. They feel very similar to me. Some people say if you desire a romantic relaitonship with someone, then it's romantic attraction but it's not that clear cut for everyone. For example, people who don't need their feelings reprociated, people who are relaitonship anarchists and the ones who are romance repulsed (like me).

Oh and the thing is you can do all of these "romantic things" without feeling the romantic attraction. So the main issue might not be about you finding out what kind of attraction you feel (I know it is kinda annoying when you can't figure a part of yourself out) but it could be about what kind of relationships do you want and which attributes (level of emotional and physical intimacy) you want to be attached to these relationships and with whom.

I feel so unfocused right now. I'm sorry if my post was really confusing and missed all the points you were looking for lol

I don't know what kind of attraction I feel but I know what kind of relationships I want and communicate what specific things I look for with people I know and some of them agreed to it. That's how I build my relationships.

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I really like moonwish's* definition (and I certainly don't think anybody else is wrong). I'd add to it that for me romantic feelings need entail an exclusive relationship. I like the idea of cuddling, I'm a bit less fine with touching somebody else or someone touching me (because using hands to touch implies intentionality), and also even less fine with hand holding. But I still want to do stuff related to touching so that the other person has a way to show that they like me, and I have a way to show that I like them. I could live with somebody I'm romantically attracted to, like in a traditional marriage. This is something that I also want eventually. But, I'm not even sure if we'd share bedrooms! Maybe--costs less money to get a less bedroom place, and I could always sleep on the couch in the study if I wasn't feeling touchy. So, it's both a state of mind, and a way somebody may act towards a partner. Because, of course, some people may be too nervous to act on romantic attraction.

*No autocorrect, Moorish is not what I was going for.

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Thank you all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to think about this and give me your thoughts.

I suppose it's silly really, I've never thought of what the word romance might mean in the context of the straight and lesbian relationships I have had before. It's not been an issue (other than the other person has always wanted more than I felt able to give!).

I really am trying to work through what I might want and hope for, so that I don't make a horrendous mess of things in the future. I don't necessarily want to put hard and fast rules in place, it's more that I don't want to give off the wrong signals.

I suppose really, the key is - what am I happy and comfortable with?

Thank you all, once again.

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Thank you all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to think about this and give me your thoughts.

I suppose it's silly really, I've never thought of what the word romance might mean in the context of the straight and lesbian relationships I have had before. It's not been an issue (other than the other person has always wanted more than I felt able to give!).

I really am trying to work through what I might want and hope for, so that I don't make a horrendous mess of things in the future. I don't necessarily want to put hard and fast rules in place, it's more that I don't want to give off the wrong signals.

I suppose really, the key is - what am I happy and comfortable with?

Thank you all, once again.

It's not silly at all. I didn't know I was asexual because I forgot to ask myself how I felt about sex in romantic relationships.

No, putting hard and fast rules in place is something that works best once you're talking with a potential partner; what I think you should be aiming for is guidelines.

Because that third bit has a question mark, I'll reiterate: Yep, whatever you're comfortable with. And the fact that you consider it romantic is what makes it so for you.

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verily-forsooth-egads

What I've learnt from this thread: Behaviour doesn't define orientation, unless it's romantic, which may literally mean whatever the heck you want it to?

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What I've learnt from this thread: Behaviour doesn't define orientation, unless it's romantic, which may literally mean whatever the heck you want it to?

Sorry. Behaviour doesn't define romantic orientation either; the wanting of things which you consider romantic defines that. For example, me and a lot of asexuals are worried about not finding a romantic partner because we don't want sex. Just because we don't have the opportunity to show this romance doesn't mean that we aren't romantic.

The main source of confusion is that most people consider sex romantic, and as we don't want sex, we need to disentangle romanticism from it. This means that a broader range of activities need to be considered romantic, and this is best done in light of how they make people feel. Another comparison: we wouldn't say that an aromantic asexual is being romantic simply because they were holding hands, because for them this doesn't engender the feeling of romance.

So, yes, because romantic is tied to emotional feeling more so than sex is, how we define it is more fluid in respecting those things which the participants consider romantic.

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My understanding only ...

Romance or "romantic" is a state in a relationship. The ability to be ones self. To find ways to make each other happy. Not always in a relationship but most of the time is only found in a relationship. Being romantic is thinking of things to do for someone else who you value and care for. The small things can be making someone dinner and the sort. No big deal. About touch, being romantic does not always include touch. It is optional.

Should be taken as my understanding only.

So carers are romantically involved with those they're caring for? Companies (with good rep) are romantically involved with their customers? Good friends are always in romantic relationships?

I guess I'm much more romantic than I thought....

Here's my answer: I don't know yet.

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Breathing....

My understanding only ...

Romance or "romantic" is a state in a relationship. The ability to be ones self. To find ways to make each other happy. Not always in a relationship but most of the time is only found in a relationship. Being romantic is thinking of things to do for someone else who you value and care for. The small things can be making someone dinner and the sort. No big deal. About touch, being romantic does not always include touch. It is optional.

Should be taken as my understanding only.

So carers are romantically involved with those they're caring for? Companies (with good rep) are romantically involved with their customers? Good friends are always in romantic relationships?

I guess I'm much more romantic than I thought....

Here's my answer: I don't know yet.

I have to agree here, I would cook for and go out I my way to do things for my good friends. I'd (at this point) have less problem with my friends touching me than anyone one else, purely platonic but they know me well enough to know when to 'touch' and when not to and I trust them to know my limits(10+ years has taught me and them). But I don't count them as romantic partners.

As I think that I'm aromantic and I haven't felt romantic attraction thus far in my life I'm not sure I can answer the question. Though I'm interested in how others interpret it. Though what I'm getting from the above posts is that it is really individual.

Cereal Tendencies I like your list as aside from hoping that my friends are in my future I want none of those things with them, or, so far, anyone.

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I think because in my past life, romance was inextricably tied up with sex, then this is why I'm confused. Because sex is not for me, I don't know what romance is any more. Since it is so individual, I guess I need to find it out for myself. Although I'm not big on intimacy of a touchy feely kind, in any case.

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Yeah, I feel you, or don't feel you as the case maybe. Lol

Not to into the touchy feely myself either.

Which really seems to bother some people.

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