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Is my wife asexual?


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Hello all. This is my post, so please bear with me. I've looked around and didn't find the info I need. So here's my situation.

My wife was is a lesbian relationship before we met. She says it was emotional and not sexual, although they did have some sort of sexual relationship, albeit brief. She wasn't into the sex in that relationship. I am the first and only guy she has ever been with. So in the beginning, sex was what you'd expect with a virgin as she wasn't experienced. I didn't think too much of it at the time. She also had a somewhat religious upbringing where sex wasn't talked about much. Now flash forward 5 years and 2 kids later our sex life has become nonexistent. I really haven't pushed much because I understand the difficulties she's having post childbirth. But now it has been six months since the last child and I'm feeling the midlife crisis "I want an enjoyable sex life before I get too old" thing. I've always felt that she was just sexually repressed due to her upbringing and general shyness about sex. But in trying to get her to talk about sex more, she told me she doesn't have sexual fantasies and never did. She has never masturbated. However, when we do have sex, she does orgasm and she does get aroused during foreplay. Is this a sign she is not asexual?

So there are three possibilities in my mind.

1. Sexually repressed mentally - which I have long suspected.

2. She has an underactive thyroid, so that may be causing her to lack a sex drive.

3. She's asexual.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

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Kerious

Top of your forums page see 'front' page, when there see on top 'about asexuality' and click that. scroll down till you see points of interest to you. Good place to start. I am sure you'll get some comments on your post as well.

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Have you shown her the site? Maybe if you both take the educational journey together you can generate a conversation about the situation you are both under.

Also, from the way you are describing the situation it seems you think she is the only one with the problem, when if she does have one of the above circumstances above, you will both have to confront how you fee and how you deal with the situation.

Good luck to both of you, I don't think it's pretty great you are looking for advice and solutions.

I hope everything works out.

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Asexuals don't typically have a lower sex drive than average. Most asexuals regularly masturbate. Arousal and ability to have orgasms aren't absent in asexuals. Asexual doesn't mean frigid.

If yoyr wife is asexual, it means that she loves you in a romantic and sensual way but she will never be able to be turned on by you or to see you as "hot". It's a version of love without desire. And she may be sexually repressed or not. It's hard to tell. Maybe she doesn't even know herself.

But as you said, it might be her thyroid, although hypothyroidism doesn't always lead to a low sex drive.

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It's possible that she could be asexual if she never had any desire for sex, or never sexually attracted to anyone. This is separate from having no sex drive, and the ability or inability to orgasm. You could show her this site, saying that what she described to you reminds you of asexuality, and you want to look through it together, so she can determine if she is asexual or not.

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of course, you can only know for sure by talking to your wife. however, to address a couple of your points:

asexuality is lack of sexual attraction. asexuals don't find people sexually appealing just like hetero men don't find other men appealing. so asexuality could be a reason for a lack of sexual fantasies and a lack of interest in sex, although it it's not the only possible explanation. some asexuals do have a libido and may get aroused, masturbate, and achieve orgasm. arousal and ability to achieve orgasm as well as not masturbating are not hard indicators that your wife is our is not asexual.

basically, from what you've said, it's possible that your wife is asexual, but the only person who can really tell you whether or not she's asexual is your wife. i would recommend talking to her about this because at the end of the day, what a bunch of strangers on the internet think is not as important as what your wife thinks. good luck! :)

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Like everyone else, I would recommend showing her this site. However, if she is asexual it's her own choice to tell you, so maybe you and her should both explore this site separately (of course I do think she'll tell you if she finds out because of you, it's just that if she's reading on her own without your immediate input she may feel less pressure to match up to anyone's expectations while reading, and if she is asexual that freedom could help her figure it out quicker.)

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Having a sex drive or libido, and or being able to get aroused and orgasm can be experienced or not experienced by anyone regardless if they are asexual or sexual. Only your wife can say whether or not she's asexual, so if anything, show her here and if she wants to, she can find out for herself.

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I don't think its possible to determine if a person is asexual unless they themselves say they are. So, I agree with bringing up the topic and showing her the site, but then it's up to her whether the asexual label fits her or not.

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