Jump to content

If I'm asexual, what does this mean?


Recommended Posts

I apologize for the length of this one. I find all of this very difficult to put into words and very difficult for me to understand. Maybe having a fresh mind to see all this information can help me come to some conclusions.


I’m pretty sure I am asexual since I don’t find myself sexually or physically attracted to anyone. There are some people I find very aesthetically attractive, and I believe I may be biromantic. However, there’s some aspects of my experiences I still find very confusing and it has been hindering me from truly understanding what my orientation is.


I have had crushes and squishes before, and before I knew I was ace, I would try and act on them because I thought it would be great to have a person that I like, like me back. However, I’ve found that in all these relationships, when it comes down to the physical stuff, I become very uncomfortable and I want to distance myself. I’ve never been sexually active, but even kissing and caressing freaks me out. I find sex very interesting and I like seeing other people’s pleasure, so I have watched porn and I don’t think I would mind giving someone pleasure. But I guess when it comes to myself, someone focusing on my body is uncomfortable.


Maybe that is a form of sex-repulsion if I am involved? Maybe it stems from severe self-conscious issues? I don’t necessarily mind the idea of being physical with someone. Very often I wish I could have a physical relationship that I am comfortable with because I very much want that in my life, I feel pretty broken when I realize each time that I can’t.


However, the most confusing thing for me is this:

When there is someone whom I am very interested in, even if it’s just wanting to get to know them more or be close friends, and I know it’s someone who I could never have a sexual relationship with (I find this often happens towards people already in relationships or older people in higher positions than me i.e. teachers, directors, influential upperclassmen), I often fantasize about a sexual relationship with them. It could be fantasies about sexual activity or contact, or as simple as sharing dirty jokes, acknowledging sex, or not being afraid to express my dirty mind with them. The main fuel behind these fantasies (attractions?) is the knowledge that none of the actual sex stuff could ever happen because of the positions we are in (the acknowledging sex stuff could, but that doesn’t make me uncomfortable like physical contact does). If it ever happened that a relationship would be possible, or if the person ever started to show sexual interest in me, I know those fantasies and that interest would go right out the door.


I guess my question is, do these things count as sexual attraction? I’m not exactly sure how to classify them or understand them. Has anyone else had experiences like this? How did you deal with it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there!

First of all, no need to apologize for the length of your posts! :) I noticed it's a trend here on AVEN, but I found that we don't have to be afraid of speaking our minds here, as it is often the only place where we actually can...

I just want to tell you: you're not alone! I've had very similar experiences over the course of my life - sex also intrigues me on a theoretical level, I don't mind seeing it on TV, in films, or reading about it - but I've come to realize it's just not something I would ever want to do. Then, of course, it can be confusing to suddenly have these thoughts about some authority figures, or just people who will surely not reciprocate: but I've come to think of it as merely a desire for intimacy that manifests as sexual thoughts. It might not make sense to someone else, I don't know... but to me, when I started thinking about it like that, things got a lot easier. I would have these thoughts about these 'unobtainable' people, think about how nice it would be if we were together, if we kissed and held hands and sometimes, I thought about how it would feel to do something sexual with them: but after some years of confusion and a lot of weirdness, I realized that I thought about these things in the sense of 'what if' - that it was as if there was this societal expectation ingrained in me that one day, I WOULD find 'The One' who would make me 'whole' and 'healthy' again and I would suddenly want to do these sexual things.

But let me tell you, it hadn't happened, and I've come to accept that it probably won't :) I've been in a situation where this person whom I could not get and fantasized about would suddenly become available to me, available AND interested in me, and things took a definite turn for the worse: I would feel trapped, uncomfortable around them all of a sudden, and generally it just made me very, very unhappy because I didn't know why this was happening when in my mind, things had felt and looked different. That's why I think that these sexual fantasies are just that - fantasies, especially because I'm interested in sex on a purely theoretical level. So my mind kind of translates that interest to include people I find interesting as well... but that still doesn't mean, for me, that I would want to actually DO those things for real.

For me, the one way I found of coping with these feelings and thoughts, the one way that helped me stop feeling broken or weird or like I don't know what I want, was to acknowledge that I had these thoughts from time to time, but that they were on the same level as 'I would love to live in the ancient Rome' - yes, the thought is interesting, and I like thinking about how it would feel, but I honestly don't think I'd enjoy living in the world without internet and with so much war, sickness and slavery - just as I sure wouldn't enjoy being put into a sexual situation.

In my opinion, these thoughts don't really count as sexual attraction - since you yourself write that you're aware you're having these feelings BECAUSE you know they can't actually become real, that nothing sexual CAN happen with these people. I think our theoretical, detached interest in sex somehow naturally chooses targets with whom it can remain just that - a theory or a fantasy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Breathing....

In my opinion, these thoughts don't really count as sexual attraction - since you yourself write that you're aware you're having these feelings BECAUSE you know they can't actually become real, that nothing sexual CAN happen with these people. I think our theoretical, detached interest in sex somehow naturally chooses targets with whom it can remain just that - a theory or a fantasy.

I agree with this, any fantasies that I've ever had have involved people or scenarios that could never happen. I identified, before I even found asexuality, that this was exactly why these people or scenarios got cooked up in my subconscious... I also think the only reason my brain made some fantasies is because I was very conditioned to think we HAVE to be sexually attracted to someone/something...

In short, I think my asexual brain decided that the way it could fulfil both it's own desires and societies was to make up things that couldn't happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...