Should We Be "Proud" Of Being Asexual?

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I am still relatively new to knowing that I am asexual; it has been less than a year. Yesterday I had a disturbing interaction with a girl at a club. She was obviously flirting with me, which is fine, but I was not interested in her. I mentioned, "I think you are attractive and if I were into girls, I would like you very much."

She lit up and asked if I was gay. I told her I was not, but that I was asexual. She was vaguely familiar with the term and I clarified by stating that I have no attraction for men, and only non-sexual attraction for women. She said she was actually bisexual but more oriented towards women (ironically enough).

Towards the end of the conversation she was adament that I should be "proud," because that is who I am. I disagreed with her because as a matter of principle, I only draw pride from things I accomplish, not things I was simply born with. I emphasized that while I am in no way ashamed of being asexual, I am not proud of it either. It is just an element of my personal make-up. This seemed to irk her to no end and she lectured me that I must be proud of it and that it is who I am and bla, bla, bla.

The LGBT culture obviously has this "pride" ethic which I fully understand as a counterbalance to the social dirision and condemnation of LGBT folks over the years. It is similar to the Black Is Beautiful movement in the 70's which came out of years of black subjugation.

However, asexuals are different IMO. We are NOT part of the LGBT rubric (much to the chagrin of some asexuals) and many of us are asexual in a matter-of-fact sort of way. There is no indoctrination, no prideful slogans, this is just our sexual orientation or lack of one.

Simply because I refused to draw personal pride from asexuality, this girl spent 20 minutes lecturing me about how I am "ok," people like me, and there are many others around to support me, and that I must be "PROUD." I almost got the impression that she thought I was really homosexual, but unable to fully come out of the closet.

This is the kind of thinking that gives me pause about associating with the LGBT movement. Our issues and struggles are different than theirs and they seem to be oriented towards indoctrination and social/political gains. I just want to eat my cake in peace without thumping my chest, waving flags, and bullying others into accepting my worldview.

So my question is, should we be "proud" of our status as asexuals? I personally feel that people should draw pride from things we accomplish like graduating from college, landing a good job, creating a nice piece of art, helping someone out of a problem, saving a life, etc. I am no more proud of being asexual than I am of being tall, of being male, of being my ethnicity, etc. I had nothing to do with being these things, and while I am not ashamed of them, I do not draw personal pride from them.

[Guest]

Moving this to Asexual Q&A from Asexual Musings and Rantings

Wendell Testaburger, Administrator

[Sally]

There's no point in being proud of something in which we had no responsibility. I think pride in something like orientation comes too close to elitism -- i.e., being proud you're asexual instead of sexual.

[Touchofinsight]

There's no point in being proud of something in which we had no responsibility. I think pride in something like orientation comes too close to elitism -- i.e., being proud you're asexual instead of sexual.

I feel the same way about all accidents of birth (I.E. Ethnicity, race, etc).

[defaultuser]

Well, not every asexual was born with it. I envy (in a good way) every asexual who doesn't experience attractions, because for me it always takes willpower to supress it down. This body is still trying to brainwash me sometimes, it's like living in a haunted body. So yes, I feel great pride, when I overcome it.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Maybe "pride" isn't the right word, now that you mention it, but I feel happy and comfortable to be who I am. I think that acceptance is really what is meant by "pride," not necessarily that one feels superior to anyone else.

[Sleepy One]

I also feel that it makes more sense to be proud of something you had an active role in. The only thing I feel with respect to my asexuality is happiness that it is a legitimate orientation and not something wrong with me.

[FindingMe94]

Maybe "pride" isn't the right word, now that you mention it, but I feel happy and comfortable to be who I am. I think that acceptance is really what is meant by "pride," not necessarily that one feels superior to anyone else.

That is exactly my feeling towards it, I just found out that I was asexual this past Sunday after years of feeling confused and weird, and I am proud of myself for taking the initiative to explore sexuality beyond the typical gay,straight, bi and finding out what orientation best describes me, however now that I have found it I embrace it happily, not "proudly".

[Christinanc93]

I personally am "proud" of it, I guess. But, it's weird, because it's not the same sort of pride I have about things that I have accomplished. It's a very different feeling but I guess I don't have a different word for it. I suppose, it's more like "owning it." It's the one thing in my life that makes sense (I'm asexual, aromantic, and sex repulsed with no desire for marriage or children....it just works together very well and it is the only thing that makes sense, everything else in my life is constantly changing, in constant turmoil) so I love it, I love it a lot. It's more complicated than that though, because I wear it so openly almost as a form of protection, as if having an ace scarf around my neck and being so open about it is some sort of armor against being raped or molested again, or at least against being blamed if it does happen again, because nobody can say I gave them mixed signals, and it's also my way of trying to avoid, what I know is an irrational fear, but an extremely real one, nonetheless, the possibility of being forced to marry and have kids I don't want, of God putting someone in my life for the express purpose of raping and impregnating me. Flaunting my asexuality has become my safety net. You know, some animals defend themselves by emitting toxins, some by being really hard or prickly, some by hiding, some by imitating other species, and some by having really bright flashy colors which makes them look like they would be bad to eat (or have sex with, in my case?) and I am one of the bright flashy animals.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Well, not every asexual was born with it. I envy (in a good way) every asexual who doesn't experience attractions, because for me it always takes willpower to supress it down. This body is still trying to brainwash me sometimes, it's like living in a haunted body. So yes, I feel great pride, when I overcome it.

Oh many of us experience attraction too my friend, just not the ones that make us want to have sex. All my life I mistook sensual attraction and physical attraction to women as sexual attraction.

But I agree with you in that effectively managing difficult aspects of asexuality is indeed something of which to be proud, but not the asexuality itself.

[defaultuser]

Well, not every asexual was born with it. I envy (in a good way) every asexual who doesn't experience attractions, because for me it always takes willpower to supress it down. This body is still trying to brainwash me sometimes, it's like living in a haunted body. So yes, I feel great pride, when I overcome it.

Oh many of us experience attraction too my friend, just not the ones that make us want to have sex. All my life I mistook sensual attraction and physical attraction to women as sexual attraction.

But I agree with you in that effectively managing difficult aspects of asexuality is indeed something of which to be proud, but not the asexuality itself.

I suppose you are right. I'm not sure is it physical or sexual attraction. It's just.. not really like I feel it, it's like body is forcing me to feel something sometimes, and it feels so easy to succumb into this. Perhaps I even would, if I wasn't so asocial.

Anyway, it feels like a victory, when you can say NO to your body.

EDIT. Thank's man. I think I understood what you meant. There's no pride in being asexual, however one can be proud of keeping being asexual no matter what obstacle stands in his/her way.

[Dawg4280]

I would say that I am Asexual and proud, but I do not feel superior or anything like that. I had a lot of issues with pride and shame throughout my life. I found out I am Ace six months ago, but before that and was deeply ashamed that I could not "get off" to sexual thoughts in my own mind. Being "broken" was something I deeply resented. However, I was arrogantly proud of being "the only one to ever deal with that pain, that curse." This caused me to feel like my life had some grand purpose that I was determined to find and accomplish, something above all other walks of life. That pride keep me going but made me very unhappy. I felt like my life meant be a meaningful one but not a happy one, which gave me a sense of being both inferior and superior to others. Even after I discovered the truth it was hard for me to accept that I am just a normal human, since my whole worldview had been built on me not feeling like I was a part of humanity. I am now much better off feeling like I am normal, perhaps a bit uncommon but within the scope of normalcy. Now I am proud to the extent that I want Asexuality to be known about so people don't have to feel like I did, like we did, what we are feeling in the future. So I am proud because of difficulties of the Asexual experience and the importance of visibility, but not because that is my orientation in of itself if that makes sense.

[Mona Lisa]

If by "pride" one means not being ashamed of who you are, then I think it's a good thing. As long as a sense of superiority over non-asexuals is not implied. Asexuality for me isn't a source of pride for me in that I don't experience regular, deep positive feelings about it; it's just the way I am. I will say, though, I am proud to be part of this community (both AVEN and the asexual community at large), both because of a sense of belonging and a respect for the accepting individuals who are part of it. :)

[ThaHoward]

Well I am proud of it by the definitin that I am not ashamed of it. However I am not proud of it in the sense that I have achieved something greater than the norm. In that sense I think it can be destructive to take pride in something you are born with and can lead to elitism and so on.

[herenya]

I think the word 'pride' is often misused, or at least heavily misinterpreted, in terms of LGBTQA... I personally interpret it simply as the opposite of 'shame', as a sense of being comfortable enough with who you are, and it's a long-term process for a lot of people. And sometimes, after years of repression or not knowing 'what' you are, it can be such a huge relief to finally find some place for yourself that it could translate to a heightened sense of pride...

But I still think it's no one's business how you choose to express yourself or not! No one has any right to lecture you on whether you're 'proud enough'. Coming out or publicly discussing or expressing your sexuality or gender is not an obligation, it's a RIGHT.

[thatotherguy57]

I agree completely. Pride should be reserved for accomplishments, either your own, or someone you are close to or care about. That being said, pride is powerful, especially when it is used as a resistance tool, or a unifying force. It can be used in both ways simultaneously.

The LGBT culture obviously has this pride ethic which I fully understand as a counterbalance to the social dirision and condemnation of LGBT folks over the years. It is similar to the black power movement which came out of years of black subjugation.

However, asexuals are different IMO. We are NOT part of the LGBT rubric (much to the chagrin of some asexuals) and many of us are asexual in a matter-of-fact sort of way. There is no indoctrination, no prideful slogans, this is just our sexual orientation or lack of one.

These are perfect examples of how pride can be used both to resist and to unify. We aren't in either of these boats, our difficulties are less prejudicial, and more of a lack of education as to what we are. I'm not proud of being (grey) asexual, but I'm not ashamed of it, either, it's just a part of who I am. There's no need or reason for pride or shame in it.

[Marshmallow Tree]

This seems like an issue of semantics. I am 'proud' of being asexual, that is to say I feel fulfilled that I know my (lack of) sexuality and am comfortable with it,

[Zash]

From the context the girl was using it in, she meant something along the lines of asexuality is not something you should be ashamed of. And since pride is the opposite of shame, she said that. (Yes, this is a false dichotomy, but probably is her thinking)

And being 'proud' of it means that you stand up and own it. It is a part of you that you don't try to hide. You may not go up and wave it around in people's face, but, if someone asks, you shouldn't have to hide it.

The main reason I participate in 'pride' events is to raise visibility. Since education on asexuality is so poor, everyone who is comfortable participating is needed to help out. Not for our sake, but, for the poor asexual who doesn't know what they are and are feeling broken. They need to know it is an option.

[R_1]

But I still think it's no one's business how you choose to express yourself or not! No one has any right to lecture you on whether you're 'proud enough'. Coming out or publicly discussing or expressing your sexuality or gender is not an obligation, it's a RIGHT.

Sometimes, I think people throw around the word right without knowing the differences between privilege and right. But, I'll say this anyway. Yes, that is something one is allowed to do and can do.

[SorryNotSorry]

It beats shame.

[Xavy]

I think pride in this context is not about elitism, but rather, a statement that we are not ashamed of our sexual orientation.

[marki]

Aww that girl sounds kinda cool!! Not the response I'm used to getting one bit!

I'm very happy about what I am because if I wasn't that would be super lame and make me mad that I was so different from the majority of people.

[herenya]

But I still think it's no one's business how you choose to express yourself or not! No one has any right to lecture you on whether you're 'proud enough'. Coming out or publicly discussing or expressing your sexuality or gender is not an obligation, it's a RIGHT.

Sometimes, I think people throw around the word right without knowing the differences between privilege and right. But, I'll say this anyway. Yes, that is something one is allowed to do and can do.

I'd like to think I'm aware of the difference... and I'm also aware that the things I mentioned, coming out or discussing one's sexuality, is not a right that everyone has in equal measure due to various influences, intolerance, even law in some countries etc.

Though I have to say I don't love using the word 'privilege' that often, because I feel it has acquired some really negative connotations somewhere along the way and that was not what I meant to express in my previous post.

[butterflydreams]

It beats shame.

From the Simpsons:

Bart: "I feel...what's the opposite of shame?"

Homer: "pride?"

Bart: "no, not that far..."

Homer: "less shame?"

Bart: "...yeah!"

:)

[Anime Pancake]

Hey!

I see your point that it's nothing to feel proud about, in the sense that we didn't really do anything to be asexual.

It probably is just you and the girl have two different senses of the word "pride" or "proud."

She thinks people should be proud of who they are, while you feel people should be proud of what they accomplished.

You two probably just have different definitions about the word. It probably doesn't have much to do with asexuality or the concept itself.


To answer the question though, I personally am happy and content with being asexual. For the sake of not causing confusion either way, I won't use the word proud right now, but I am satisfied and happy that I'm asexual.

Cool topic :)

[Ficulnean]

I think the word 'pride' is often misused, or at least heavily misinterpreted, in terms of LGBTQA... I personally interpret it simply as the opposite of 'shame', as a sense of being comfortable enough with who you are, and it's a long-term process for a lot of people. And sometimes, after years of repression or not knowing 'what' you are, it can be such a huge relief to finally find some place for yourself that it could translate to a heightened sense of pride...

But I still think it's no one's business how you choose to express yourself or not! No one has any right to lecture you on whether you're 'proud enough'. Coming out or publicly discussing or expressing your sexuality or gender is not an obligation, it's a RIGHT.

I'm getting a pride scarf (I looked it up as asexual flag scarf however, and am surprised they call it a flag scarf, honestly) not because I'm proud but because I am happy with developing a strong identity. I, however, do not think you need to express pride. The positive thing I see about pride, however, is that in all us expressing how comfortable we are with our asexuality then other people who are getting familiar with it will not feel like they should be ashamed. Further, those people who would put you down for it may have a bit of a harder time.

I suppose what I'm defining is pride for asexuality, not so much pride that I have it, because like you said I certainly didn't accomplish it,

[Neurula]

Usually, to be "proud" in that sense means "This is who I am, and I am in no way ashamed of that." It doesn't mean "I worked so hard to be asexual." Not every word or phrase has to be taken literally, I mean it's English after all.

[Sally]

The "pride" thing started because homosexuals were made to publicly feel shame because of their orientation. Pride was needed to overcome that shame within the homosexual community. I don't think pride does or should apply to all orientations; it was a situation-specific antidote to a severe public problem (homophobia). If you're not publicly being shamed because of your orientation, why would you need artificial pride?

[if-indeed]

I think using "pride" in this sense is reactionary, in a way, because even though sexual orientation isn't a choice or something we actively work for, people with non-normative identities are often given the message that we should be ashamed of them or hide them. So when I say I'm a "proud ace," what I really mean is that I refuse to be ashamed of it.

[Sally]

I think "pride" is only appropriate when someone is actively trying to shame you. Even then, orientation is nothing to be actively proud of; it's simply not anything to be ashamed of.