The Salience of Asexuality in Your Everyday Life

[Ficulnean]

I was wondering, I've now found that I am asexual. I had confused romantic interest for sexual for a while without realizing, and now I'm starting to adapt to the fact that I haven't expereicnce sexual attraction.

It strikes me that I could even mix the two up, like I forgot that sex was even a factor. Sex was at a salience of zero, in other words. I'm a vegetarian, which is on par with asexuality I think in terms of what people would assume to be constant affecting of my lifestyle. But I just don't think about that, either. I simply do it. (Now, of course I realize I'm a vegetarian because I had to make a concious choice in that regard.)

What I was wondering was how salient (obvious, intrusive, what have you) you're asexuality is for you. Is it something you only notice when people explicitly are against it? Or do you notice it in other situations, and if so, what are they?

Edit:

We have, for situations in which it is salient:

1. Marriage. (I would say it's salient for me to in regards to that, but I forgot to put it here, so . . .)

2. Other people showing interet.

Or anything negative.

Even if what you have to say is already here, I'd still like to hear it. Even if it holds true to the current theme of arising only in negative situations.

[Méshie Péshie]

In my life, it has become a curse. I wanted to believe that I was Demi for the longest time, but when I started trying to get used to it being a part of my relationship, I regressed horribly and separated mentally from my boyfriend for a few days. I go back and forth between being ok with romantic attention and feeling disgusted with it. It hurts my relationship every time, but I feel as though I truly have no control over it.

I want a relationship, I don't want a relationship, I can probably only handle a TOTALLY asexual relationship, I can't handle being around another human being 24/7 ever. I'm glad to have somebody that accepts me for my unusual sexual feelings (or lack of sexual feelings). I feel the confusing/contradicting emotions come with the territory. Whether they will ever balance out is beyond me. But having something that I have no control over and can't even pinpoint or explain is extremely hard to deal with. I feel like I have a sexual disorder that can never be cured and by being in a relationship, whether sexual or not, it is hurt by my being broken.

[Christinanc93]

It's extremely salient in my life, but it's mixed with other things, which is probably why. It's mixed with my sex repulsion and my PTSD from being violated sexually and the insistence of other people that I must get married and have kids, and the fear of that, and them, and God. It's mixed with the constant sex talk in me Women's and Ethnic Studies classes.....essentially, it is one of the most salient aspects about my life....because I am terrified of sex.

[Sinead Buckley]

I mostly notice my asexuality in situations where a person is trying to show they're romantically interested in me. I've never felt flattered because of it. My knee-jerk reaction is usually anxiety or uneasiness. Other times it becomes apparent is when people try to tease me about sex or liking someone which I find really bothersome especially when they know I'm not interested.

[littleheartsofjoy]

I notice it in certain situations, like when people are talking about sex (in general, but also because of my sex repulsion), and when it comes to someone showing interest in me. Otherwise, it's not really in my mind all that much.

[sasai]

I only ever notice in relation to others. Asexual is my standard, my default. Sexuality is that weird quirk some other people have and, well, I tend not to notice Things outside my field of interest much, or just subconsciously brush it off. When someone does bring it up it just feel like "huh, right, my normal is actually quite uncommon".

But then, I'm aro so I don't deal with the whole romance aspect...

[herenya]

I usually don't really think about it anymore; some time ago, when I was still in the 'figuring it out' phase (not to say that I'm not in that phase even now :) but I figured out the major parts, I guess), I would think about asexuality every day, I would think about how it affected me, if and how people could see that I was 'different', how should I act, should I tell someone... but these days, I just live my life and don't really think about it much. Unless someone hits on me, then I start feeling uncomfortable and it's like a reminder that oh, yeah, okay, an asexual here.

And also, I'm writing a thesis on the topic of asexuality, so whenever I'm studying/doing some research, then yeah, I'll think about it, of course.

But other than that, I guess I'm pretty lucky to not have so many negative experiences, beyond the internal - the anxiety and insecurity of figuring things out, but I'd like to think I'm mostly past that now.

[Maven2014]

Hmmm. I've been out of a long term relationship for 2 years and (without realising it) I've been avoiding any kind of relationships for most of that time. I've had a pretty challenging couple of years and so the complications of getting involved with anyone have really put me off. If anyone has shown any romantic interest in me, I've been totally oblivious!! So for all that time, my (unknown) asexuality hasn't been at all relevant. I've just been living, that's all.

Now, it is important, because I now have a name for my approach to sex and intimacy, and so it's on my mind all the time! I now know that if I do decide to head into a relationship scenario again, I won't be compromising in that way again. I've said it a lot - but it's a relief!

[Xavy]

I'm a vegetarian, which is on par with asexuality I think in terms of what people would assume to be constant affecting of my lifestyle. .

Sorry, but can you elaborate on this statement ? I am curious because I am vegetarian as well, but I don't quite understand.

[Ficulnean]

I'm a vegetarian, which is on par with asexuality I think in terms of what people would assume to be constant affecting of my lifestyle. .

Sorry, but can you elaborate on this statement ? I am curious because I am vegetarian as well, but I don't quite understand.

Okay. People think that I must always be aware that I'm a vegetarian, when in fact it doesn't even come up in my mind in situations even as surely about food as when I'm cooking for myself. Being a vegetarain is something I just do, and I only have a prominient awareness of it when I'm confronted with non-vegetarian options. I was thinking that people who are asexual might not constantly define as it, but only do so when made necessary by being confronted with sexuality being the only option. It seems like that is the case, given answers for this thread (which is good, I was kinda worried about sounding off centre for making that comparison). People only mostly indentify with the not bit when confronted with what it is that they're not; that's the similarity I'm pointing at. I hope that that clarifies.

[ScottishLass]

I understand what you're saying about living as you do (asexual or veggie) and being so used to it being almost your "default" that you don't even consider another possibility. I'm veggie and have been since I decided to be at five years old, so I've grown up not eating meat. I've also by that point, grown up not even viewing meat as food. It's what I feed my dogs, it's what my family and friends eat, but I just don't look at bacon and see it as food. It's difficult to explain unless you experience it. So, by the same token, I've grown up having never experienced sexual attraction and again, it's something my friends and family do but I've never even considered it for myself. It just doesn't even pop up in my brain, it doesn't even exist as an option.

[butterflydreams]

Well, now I realize that kind of attraction is something that can be there, but previously I didnt. And because it has a name now, it's not just "unnamed, uncomfortable, depressing, different" feeling #68228. But other than having a name, it doesn't really change much in my day to day. I suppose it makes me feel better about forming future relationships. So I'm very happy that I'm aware of it in that situation. I've blown at least two potentially good relationships with very nice people because I felt nothing and I thought I was supposed to. As soon as they showed any real interest in me, I freaked out a bit, and I didn't know why. All my life I've been saying all I wanted was for someone to show interest in me.

I don't have family or friends who would pressure me to get married, or live any kind of asinine cultural narrative, so it's a non issue there. Thats not to say I'm not pressured. My parents and I just fight about other stuff. It's been an issue with potential dating partners though, so I'm aware of it there, but that's really their issue, not mine.

[Vector]

Well, as Sasai mentioned, I tend to notice it most in relation to others. Whenever they're talking about how hot people are or how much sex they wanna have with a certain partner or whatever, I tend to get pretty bored and space out. Same thing with too romantic or sexual scenes in films and books.

Before I figured out I was asexual, though, I spent a significant amount of time and energy trying to figure out what sexual attraction meant and whether I felt it towards people around me.