I Swear I've Read The FAQ, but still, Am I . . .

[Ficulnean]

Hello,

I have read the FAQ and the thread on this forum here, so I am not going to ask if I am asexual. I am going to describe myself and ask if anyone has similar stories and what they identify as. If thats alright.

I'm pretty sure I've no desire for just sex. I haven't tried it though. And I do want a relationship, so I think I'm at a stage where I may be conflating the two: wanting a relationship and then pairing that with the expected sex. I'm more nervous about a relationship than I am sex though, and my only fear about sex is if whoever I was with would be disgusted by the fact that I've never had it, despite being in my early twenties. I think it could be physicaly pleasurable, but I'm sure I couldn't get caught up in it; mainly because there's somebody else there.

When I say I want a relationship though, I think that maybe I just want a really close friend. That I could talk too. And cuddle with. And only the one, for the cuddling. Talking is more important, but if I couldn't find somebody I could talk too and cuddle with without the expectation of more, I'd feel somewhat like I was lacking a major connection in life. I actually have no clue about cuddling. I just want somebody to consider themselves in a relationship with me without all the sexual stuff, where they see me as as important as I see them.

Where I get confused about the term asexuality and its application to me, and where I don't want to disregard anyone by using the wrong term*, is with two things: the fact that I still well, ahem, have fetishes. Mainly I read literature (and I do mean actual literature, you should see the effort some people in the internet put into these things; but since I think anyone on this site wont for some obvious reasons, well, I have to tell you that people really care about 100k word stories) but if the sex occurs without power play of some type I'm not into it. I myself, would not, I think, engage in any of those fetishes with somebody else. I just like reading: being an observer to non-actual situations. Cut that, I really know I wouldn't. The sex bit would be too distracting, and the sexual nature of it even without it would make me uncomfortable anyway.

Edit: I am now realizing that, not only does penetrative sex not interest me, but those things I thought I had fetishes about and would like doing, I would hate to actually do with another person. It is really odd to finally ask yourself these questions of would I/wouldn't I directly, and realize that the answers not what you thought. Anyone else experience this? I've had to apply fetishes to those people I've been romantically inclined towards, and realize I've no desire to perform the acts myself with someone else. I'm just interested in the disembodied acts. Well, f**k me (please don't, actually). I thought I had fetishes, turns out I don't, in the normal sense of the word. This is going to take some getting used to. I've always considered myself somebody who would try anything once . . . but nope, not really interested in the actual experience for that sake either. Hmm . . . at least my sense of ironic humour is intact and transitioning smoothly.

The second point of my confusion is that I still get butterflies around certain people. I can still get nervous around them do to these butterflies. (Note here, I may just have really bad anxiety that flares up when I'm talking to guys who are getting along with me, because I think they like me.) This ties back to my first to paragraphs: I feel like I'm attracted to someone (always guys if it's serious, or else a brief spark for androgynous girls, before I realize they're, you know, girls), but don't want to actually do anything. Except talk. And be able to cuddle. But only if cuddling was all that they expected. If I were asexual, wouldn't this want for a non-sexual relationship not be genedered? And wouldn't I not get butterflies in the first place? Or have fetishes? But then why don't I want to do stuff with people?

But could some form of asexuality explain why i'm attracted to males but wouldn't care either way if I so happened to be attracted to females instead?

Thoughts, related experiences, is this even the type of thing I should be posting . . .

And sorry about the orginization, I know it could be better.

*So if you know a term for this, let me know what matches up with the desription I gave; I won't conflated it with somebody saying that that's what I am.

[Archon]

I used to also be confused by that first point you mentioned, which is the idea that you can't be asexual if you like reading literature with sex in it, especially when fetishes are involved. As it turns out, you definitely can be asexual and enjoy reading that stuff. That's really not uncommon. I myself enjoy reading a ton of explicit fanfics, but I don't want to actually have sex, so I'm asexual.

Regarding the second point, there are lots of asexuals who want romantic relationships. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are quite removed from each other, so it's totally possible for a heteromantic person to want to be close to someone of the opposite gender (such as by kissing and/or cuddling) without the expectation of sex.

These are just my thoughts, only you can say what terms apply to you, but I hope that helps a little. :)

[herenya]

Hey,

I have to say I feel something very similar to what you're describing, so you're definitely not alone in this :) though, personally, I'm still trying to decide if I'm panromantic or aromantic (it kinda fluctuates for me), I definitely identify as asexual, and I also wish for a relationship where we would be mutually important to each other with that person, but without anything even remotely sexual.

Also, I feel the same reading some stories (those 100k ones with a really well-thought-out plot and spot-on characterization are so great) - but I think that for me, it's mostly connecting strongly on an emotional level with the story and with the characters, which makes me physically react to what is happening in the story; e.g. I sometimes do feel mild arousal from reading a well-written porn scene, or I long for kisses when I'm reading a scene where two people finally kiss after a long time of pining for each other etc., but whenever I gave in to this 'longing' and actually agreed to date and kiss someone, it always felt very very empty to me, basically like kissing a kitchen towel or something, nothing I particularly enjoyed or would want to do again... and when I think, like, REALLY think about doing something sexual with a person, it weirds me out a lot. I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, because I never minded talking about sex, and some parts of it actually intrigue me quite a bit on a theoretical level, but just imagining ME in a sexual situation is like a big neon NO sign.

About the butterflies... my experience is that I still get rather nervous around attractive people, but I'm starting to wonder if that might just be social conditioning. We're always shown that being nice to someone is often interpreted as 'hitting on that person'... so I do get jitters and I feel very self-conscious because being nice to people comes naturally, almost like an obligation to me, and I worry that people might misinterpret that as me being sexually attracted to them, which I am not (and it has happened before, that people thought I was being nice because I wanted to go out with them). And the same feeling of nerves in my stomach happens when I start feeling like someone is past the friendship point and they actually do feel attracted to me - I always withdraw really fast and try to not even talk to that person much because I just don't feel comfortable anymore... I hate when that happens.

But to answer your question :) you can be asexual, not want anything sexual to happen, and still want your romantic, non-sexual relationships to be with a partner of a preferred gender. You can be hetero-romantic, you can feel aesthetic attraction to males only... or you can simply find yourself just drawn to men instead of women, or any other gender. That doesn't make you any less asexual in my opinion... I would say that 'butterflies' can maybe pertain to romantic attraction, it can be the nervousness about a lot of things, like making a good impression on the person you like... what you're describing doesn't sound like sexual attraction to me, if you don't want to do anything sexual with those guys you feel attracted to...

[Ficulnean]

Thank you Herenya: I'm glad I started this as my first topic, because now I have your answer on bookmark. I would have needed to copy and paste it somewhere otherwise. I sense I'm going to need to remind myself of this point multiple times, for it to get through, and for me to feel sure in this identity.

[Qwerty]

I remember making a discovery about myself many years before AVEN existed and I'd head of asexuality. I was feeling particularly lonely and broken, listening to Meatloaf's "I will do anything for love." At about the 100th repetition of the song, I suddenly realised that I wouldn't do "anything." Things like going out at night to meet random strangers was not on the list of "things I would do for love."

Trying to follow that standardised script from popular culture was something that I simply wasn't interested in and I had developed no skills at executing that script.

[herenya]

Thank you Herenya: I'm glad I started this as my first topic, because now I have your answer on bookmark. I would have needed to copy and paste it somewhere otherwise. I sense I'm going to need to remind myself of this point multiple times, for it to get through, and for me to feel sure in this identity.

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could be at least of some help :) if you ever feel like you're alone with your likes, dislikes and/or orientation, or just want to chat, feel free to PM me :)

[SuperHorace]

You sound to me pretty asexual ^~^ It's okay to be heteroromantic. Of course it is! I'm not sure if I'm biromantic because I've only ever liked one person, and she's my sweet. Probably pretty heteroromantic ^~^ It's still possible, though.

[Maven2014]

I think it's not uncommon to enjoy reading erotic fiction, but absolutely not want to actually do any of the things that you enjoy reading about. I speak from experience! And after all these years, I finally know that I am asexual, and it's the only thing that feels right for me, not something that I'm having to force or persuade myself to 'be'.

As for the matter of having butterflies, I don't think this should make you doubt your asexuality. Some people gravitate more towards men, or women. Some have no preference either way. For myself, after all this time I have finally realised that I am more hetero inclined. I've been denying this to myself for years. But it doesn't mean I want to have sex with a man. Ever.

I think it is normal to question. It's healthy! And better than blindly floating into what society expects of you, which is what I did for years.

[Prodigy100]

You and I are two of a kind. I'm romantically interested in a select few females, but I never imagine myself having sex with those females, just cuddling and kissing and going on dates with them. But I do prepare myself for the idea of sex if I were to ever get into a relationship because I understand that it's an "important" part of a relationship.

I'm gray asexual btw, i think you may be as well.