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Aromantic Lonliness & Living Alone


aromanticLamp

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aromanticLamp

I'm a young aromantic, and it would be an understatement for me to say that I'm worried about my future. It's pretty much inevitable that I'm going to live alone for most of my life, and I'm scared for that. I'm afraid of eventually becoming that lonely 45 year old who doesn't socialize enough and has a boring lonely life. I'm afraid that's how things are going to turn out for me because I'm aromantic. All my friends are going to be married and have family oriented lives. I'll be left out and everyone will be too busy for me.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can combat this anxiety? Any strategies for still feeling connected and loved when I'm living alone? Any advice on how to feel fulfilled and loved even when I'm by myself all the time? I'd love to hear from some older aros about how they deal with the aromantic lifestyle. Thanks!

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Well, you can take an example from certain religious people. Why do you think they don't feel themselves lonely? I'm not talking about joining any religion or whatever, but you probably can use something similar for yourself. Find some Great Purpose to be an Aro and alone and make it your mission.

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Arctic_Revenge

I have roughly the same problem. I'm going to be alone forever and what makes it very difficult is finances. It's very expensive to live alone and very hard to survive on only one income.

I have no friends, no significant others, to split the cost of living with so I'm trapped at home with my family until I can make more money.

To combat romantic loneliness, I have a private blog to spluh all my romantic ideas and whinging in so it's not all bottled up.

To fight regular loneliness, joining a club or community function does wonders. Theatre people are always fun to work with.

On the note of people and their family-oriented lives and the fact I won't have it----- I don't want it. I tend to silently despise people that center their lives around family instead of loftier pursuits.

There's so much to be done in the world with science and art and sociology that people who give all their time and health and money only make to more humans annoy me-

Especially women, because then they become defined and consumed by childbearing/rearing.... [don't even get me started on gender norms.]

Kind of negative, but that's how I deal with it.

Hope the other AVENites will have more positive responses for you. :)

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gender norms suck.

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I feel the same way. I always hope I'll end up finding someone in a similar situation who I get along with and we can live together or something.

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Remember, being single is not being alone. You have hobbies, go out and do them, it is a good way to meet people and make friends. Also, check out the meetup forums, see if there is one in your area. That is another good place to go to meet friends.

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aromanticLamp, I am that 45 year old you worry about becoming. I don't yearn for close relationships, even close friendships and to all intents and purposes I may be considered lonely. While I do have times when I find myself talking to me, I'm generally happy. If I do desire social interaction I talk to whoever is on the till when I buy something - simple things like 'nice weather we are having'. It's usually enough to start up a short conversation and I'm happy with just that, in fact the idea of a protracted discussion leaves me cold.

I don't feel I'm missing out on anything and people are surprised when I admit it. Even my own family have had to adapt to it. I don't own a phone landline, I get by with just a mobile for emergencies, I can't remember the last time I topped it up.

I'm happy conducting social activities via e-mail and Facebook. The few people I have got to know over the years mostly live abroad anyway so getting the occasional e-mail is a nice surprise and something of value which sustains me.

I hope you can adapt and be happy in yourself for what you are. Being different isn't a disease, it's an opportunity to get creative in both outlook and artistically and to explore what makes you who you are - a collection of atoms which is the universe expressing itself beautifully for a little while.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

I'm not as worried because I'm an introvert, and comfortable being alone alot.

However one suggestion I would make, if you find that your friends are too busy building families, I would suggest looking outside your own age-group, it can be very rewarding. Go be a mentor and become someon's honorary big sister, go talk to that elderly woamn across the street, her stories will amaze you, there are people out there to form friendships with who aren't preocupied with kids and a mortgage. you may not be living life like your romantic friends, but neither does 'forever alone' have to mean 'forever lonely'

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butterflydreams

I definitely share your anxiety. I also agree that financially, living alone is a pain in the ass.

I won't say that I don't get lonely. I do. A lot. But that said, I'm always trying to work on my writing, or my inventions. Oddly enough, Nikola Tesla has always been my absolute idol. In a million years I could never be half the person he was. But I strive for it. Maybe I can grasp a fraction of that life?

The trap I fall into is thinking I need to be better, smarter, whatever, in order to be worthy of love. Because I don't get it from anyone but my parents, and nobody nearby enough to give a simple hug. So I don't know what to tell you there. That hurts.

Sometimes I consider just nuking my regular life and doing something crazy, like buying a totally impractical mid-engine sports car because I don't need to plan for a future family, but I always psyche myself out of those ideas.

Best of luck to you though. I hope you're able to find something to calm your fears about all this :)

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That asexual guy

Just remember there is a distinct difference between "alone" and "loneliness." I am alone because I live by myself and am not a part of a couple. I tried being with someone before and was miserable, so don't assume anything about your feelings will change just because someone else is there. I am not lonely though. I still have my family, and I have friends. I go to movies and plays. I like to hang out at Starbucks and drink tea. I like going on hikes, taking trips. But for me, the thing about being alone I like best is I can do all the things I just mentioned by myself and am just as happy as I am when I allow a friend to tag along.

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Another "boring" 46-year old weighing in. I think as you get more experience dealing with life stuff in general, gratitude starts moving more to the front. I only have to think of the millions upon millions who have lonely, unfulfilled lives and absolutely did not choose it, and I have that much more reason to count myself lucky.

Organized/club type activities, volunteer opportunities, they're out there and waiting !

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I have a lonely boring life which is ironic since I really don't like people. So I've just come to the conclusion that I'm screwed. Good luck to you.

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Someone Else

I shouldn't be so negative about myself, but yeah, I am 42, sometimes lonely (thankfully I'm a hermit so it doesn't break my heart too much) and am not living a very exciting life. But "traditional" marriage, living together forever, even sharing the same bedroom (MY PRIVATE SANCTUM ;) ) would cause the opposite effect from loneliness, for me... I try to use that to comfort myself, with so-so success.
So... I don't know. I'm afraid of becoming that 40-something boring lonely person, and then, oops, wait, maybe I am. :( WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN

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I think if you really want to find connections with people that will happen, and if you get to that stage in your life when you find yourself alone, living alone, you won't be lonely if you make the effort to be sociable.

Think is it's down to your character more than anything. I don't crave company or connections with people, in fact I find it hard to maintain them because I'm not that sociable, not that I prefer my own company I just find it easier to live alone and for this reason need my own space.

I do get lonely though sometimes but I always see people to say hello to down at the supermarket. I think as you get older you will become less anxious and more content with what you have.

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Phantasmal Fingers

If you know who you are - well, if you have a good idea without actually having become enlightened yet - it's not possible to be lonely. That's true about me anyway. I used to get lonely when I was younger (I'm 49 now) but no longer do. A lot of that has to do with a mystical/religious experience I had (which happened at the age of 39) but I don't think anyone who doesn't experience this is doomed to be lonely.

People in relationships seem to miss each other when they're away from each other. When they're together I get the impression they have to compromise who they really are (at least slightly) and then when they are not with each other it seems that the person they become when they are with their partner is no longer who they see themselves as being when they are apart. Because of this I think they miss what they have come to identify as themselves.

What strikes me about couples is that they define loneliness as missing someone else, whereas I would say that loneliness is missing yourself. Spend a lot of time with yourself and it's not possible to miss the you you know you are! If I were you I wouldn't worry about being lonely. In my experience it doesn't happen.

Have some :cake: and forget about it!

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If you know who you are - well, if you have a good idea without actually having become enlightened yet - it's not possible to be lonely. That's true about me anyway. I used to get lonely when I was younger (I'm 49 now) but no longer do. A lot of that has to do with a mystical/religious experience I had (which happened at the age of 39) but I don't think anyone who doesn't experience this is doomed to be lonely.

People in relationships seem to miss each other when they're away from each other. When they're together I get the impression they have to compromise who they really are (at least slightly) and then when they are not with each other it seems that the person they become when they are with their partner is no longer who they see themselves as being when they are apart. Because of this I think they miss what they have come to identify as themselves.

What strikes me about couples is that they define loneliness as missing someone else, whereas I would say that loneliness is missing yourself. Spend a lot of time with yourself and it's not possible to miss the you you know you are! If I were you I wouldn't worry about being lonely. In my experience it doesn't happen.

Have some :cake: and forget about it!

This is very true. I realised this when I got out of a relationship. While being in a relationship, I wasn't able to connect with myself much so I was forgetting who I am and unknowingly was moulding myself to fit in with my ex’s interests. However, after finally getting out of the relationship, I never felt so free. I was able to explore my interests and understood myself much more. I think people that are in a relationship miss out on this.

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.diva plavalaguna.

I am worried about this too. I'm starting to come to the realization that I could be aro and it kinda scares me. Like, that's one long ass lonely road when I consider that I'm also starting to find most people too much work to bother with...

I agree that it will be hard as heck with finances, being alone. There won't be anyone to share anything with. Family dies, friends go do their own thing and forget about you. Sorry if that's kinda morbid, but eh...that's how my mind works I guess.

I guess I'm screwed, too.

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I try and think that I'll find someone like me who will want to be roomies for the rest of our lives. It's probably pretty naiive. But I think rooming or subletting with other single people wouldn't be bad. At least there'd be someone to eat meals with.

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

Let's all hire a skyscraper and form an aromantic apartment complex! :D

oySp5y.jpg

Seriously though, I intend to find some sort of partner, or partners, and share with them. We'll be great friends that live well together, go out and do things occasionally if we're bored, maybe even combine our incomes to get benefits, be each others 'dates' for social functions we both want to go to, the possibilities are endless...

And there won't be any sort of committed romantic relationship at all (which I don't want), so hopefully they'll be aro too (whether there's 1 or 4 of them!). A long shot maybe, but I believe it's well within the realm of possibility :)

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I live in that environment :)

In a house share that I found on Gumtree, completely randomly, at the start of the year. I've become very good friends with the girl who owns the house. She has a boyfriend, who is also now a very good friend. From the outside, we should have nothing in common at all, but it really works

And I get cheap rent, a gorgeous place to live and no relationship concerns,

I highly recommend it! :)

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Certified Cake Decorator

I am going to be alone too hopefully. I look forward to it!

What i'm going to do is foster dogs and train them. As long as there is an animal in my home, i'll be fine.

Im more of an animal person than people person.

In the case of tight money, i might move to a smaller apartment? Or idk, but i cant imagine living without a pet..... Well now I'M worried!!

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