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Not sure where I fit in, wondering if anyone can relate to me


wintermint

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Well first of all, hi ^_^ :cake: I'm new and yet not new (been lurking here for years) and I decided it's come time to make my first post and share my story. I wouldn't say I'm in any rush to label or identify myself definitively. I think I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, probably in the gray area between sexual and asexual, but I'm not really sure where. The purpose of this post isn't to reach any kind of concrete conclusion, but I am quite curious if anyone feels similarly to me or has any insight to share

So, I'm 22, female, a virgin, and I never thought there was anything different about me until I'd been in college for a while and got to see how differently other people's minds seemed to work from mine with regards to sex. As a younger kid and up through high school, I had a fair number of "crushes" on boys, but never acted on them. If I didn't have one of these crushes at the time (as was the case for most of my high school years) I was not really interested in dating. I was occupied with school, was also an athlete, and generally had other things to focus on in my life so I didn't feel like I needed or even really wanted any kind of boyfriend or significant other. I never thought of my crushes in a sexual way. These were normally people who I saw regularly at school or elsewhere who I thought were especially good-looking (aesthetically) and I would imagine getting to know them, maybe kissing/being close in general, but not sex.

In fact, imagining sex with anyone I knew was (is!) extremely awkward to the point my brain can't even do it. It's like I have some kind of mental block that won't even allow that to happen. That being said, and where I think I differ from "typical" asexuals is that I have no problem imagining sex with celebrities or people who I don't know at all, and liking it. That excludes random people on the street though as well. As soon as it's someone I've had any contact with in real life, it gets super weird and I can't picture it. I'd say that my thing with celebrities constitutes sexual attraction though, since they are "real" people. I'm aware that a lot of people find that way creepier and more awkward than fantasizing about people you know, but for me it's the exact opposite. I have no idea what that says about me if anything :unsure:

Just to cover the question of libido, I would say I have one, probably average, maybe a little lower than. I like masturbating, it's fun, I think sex would hypothetically be fun, but now for the tricky(er) part.. theoretically I would like to have sex with a male, to try it. Maybe I would like it, maybe not, maybe it would confirm something for me, maybe not. But when I try to think about who the heck I would want to do it with is where I come up short. While I don't feel like I'd need to be in love with that person, my requirement is that I would need to trust that person and feel comfortable with them (so yeah, probably venturing into at least friends territory?), so that rules out one night stands.. however, I have also never understood having sex just to have sex, with someone who you aren't sexually attracted to. Many of my (sexual) friends do this, they say because they have "needs" and whatnot and just want to bang someone and don't really care if they're attracted to that person or not, but for me I just can't imagine enjoying it. :mellow: For these reasons I think I could be demi, so yeah I'm just all over the place I guess

I don't think it's that weird that I want to have sex with someone I'm attracted to, but since I've never been sexually attracted to anyone (asexual?) in real life and definitely not anyone who I could realistically have sex with it (gray?), this is....a conundrum. Has anyone else experienced this? Since many posts on here that I've read deal with asexuals having sex to please their partner or enjoying sex without being sexually attracted to their partner, I seem like the opposite and it confuses me quite a bit. I have no idea if I'm actually asexual or just a sexual who is a bit picky and the stars haven't aligned properly for me to meet someone I like, or what, so....

TL;DR: I'm very confused

I think that about covers it. Thank you for reading my post, if you did manage to wade through everything in here. you deserve cake :cake::cake::cake::cake:

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Welcome to AVEN (officially, lol).

I've had fantasies about celebrities as well, but usually in my case its a long elaborate storyline. It just can't be sex.

I've had a few I guess limited sexual encounters, but all they really did was leaving me feeling hollow and not very good about myself.

Some of what you said reminded me about of being a kid and not understanding why the guys were so ga ga, over some the new girl in the class, yet having an intense crush on another girl. In fact I enjoy crushes, its only when I think about doing something about it that I get bummed about. Some part of me keeps me from doing that, and for the most part I've learned to listen.

Yeah, in college I was completely surprised that people had sex in the dorm. The thought never crossed my mind.

Maybe your gray, but that is really up to you to decide.

I hope your answers make you happy, and the road to wisdom isn't quite so painful.

Have a beautiful night.

Maybe your gray, but that is really up to you to decide

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Your post sounds a lot like me (except add a decade ;) )!

I can imagine all of the hypotheticals, and accept it maybe happening one day, but I can't get past the part where 'me' and 'sex' both happen in the same room. If I really trusted the other person, I'd be willing to learn, but I can't say I've ever found that mythical person yet. Sometimes my asexuality includes having no reason to lower my standards to include just anyone. ;)

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GoTheDistance

I also experience a lot of the things that you do, I definitely dip my feet in the gray-A and demi pools of sexuality from time to time, even though I identify as asexual.

It's not uncommon for asexuals to masturbate, watch porn, etc etc, I for one do them. Despite that, I can definitely say I am asexual because I am absolutely repulsed by sex, mainly when I have it.

Hope I helped!

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butterflydreams

This could've been written by me! I felt exactly the same way as you on a lot to these things. I went through high school without really being interested in any girls. If it weren't for my friends, I probably would've never even realized I was different.

As far as the sex thing goes, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I actually feel a lot like you do. I might not feel that attraction to a partner, but I imagine there'd be other reasons that made sense to me to want to try it. I'm mostly indifferent to sex, and like you, I've never met anyone with whom I'd want to do it. Also like you, with the handful of people I was interested in over the years, sex wasn't something I considered. When I tried to make it something I considered, bad things happened :( So now I just be me.

Seems like at least a few other people here relate to your experience. Good luck on your journey of self discovery and welcome to AVEN! :)

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You're definitely not alone with the hypothetical sex-drive part of this. I have aesthetic attraction, but not to anyone I know. I know quite a few really good-looking people, but the second I get to know them any better, *poof*, the attraction disappears! I have considered just having a one-night stand over the years, just to get it over and done with, but I'm too fussy to give it up to just anyone. If you're open to advise, then I would say that unless you're 100% certain about it, avoid having sex with just a random. The amount of people I've spoken to who have lost their virginity to a one-night stand and totally regretted it is astounding. That being said, I'd say you're somewhere on the grey spectrum. :)

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This could have been written by me! I definitely know what you mean with the theoretically wanting to have sex just to try it out, i'm so curious! Occasionally i'll meet someone new and if i find them aesthetically attractive i might start imagining romantic situations with them but i just can't picture having sex. Not sure if i'm demi or ace or grey or what but i figure i'm somewhere on the spectrum and that'll do for now.

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These are some great replies, thanks! AVEN is such a welcoming community and it's very comforting to know that many of you feel similarly to me, and some of you could have written almost the same post (hi-five!) I'm unsure what I'd consider myself exactly but it does help me feel more comfortable identifying somewhere on the ace spectrum

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scarletlatitude

I agree with you too! :)

I am 27 and a virgin. I also don't really care for any kind of intimate relationship with people I know. It seems like the more I know a person, the less I want to be around them in that way. But I have absolutely no problem fantasizing about celebrities or about fictional people or about people who I saw one time. In school, I was the same as you. I was not interested in boys because I was way to occupied with school, athletics, band, clubs, and the like. I didn't realize that I might be different until college. And I just recently figured out that there is such a thing as asexual!

So don't worry, you are definitely among friends.

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I have that mental block too. I can't even imagine having sex with anyone, celeberties included though. I can imagine disambiguated bodies parts slightly, but I think that that might just be me imagining the concept of sex. I'd say that you fall closer to demi-sexual than to asexual, but as you turn off when you get to know people, I wouldn't quite say demi-sexual. That's for you to decide. Your paragraph after seems to lean towards demi, just one who's never actually experienced it.

Also, go over an introduce yourself in the welcome lounge if you want: Maybe met even more people that way.

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Oh my gosh, I've been trying to find someone who relates to me! I feel the exact same.

I never dated in high school, I just enjoyed being a kid and plus I went to a performing arts high school so it was very small and more of a gay male population than straight. College, I just didn't care enough I guess to want to date? Focused on studies, hanging out with my friends. Didn't really party at all. Now I'm 22, still a virgin. I've been on a few dates but I don't know.

Sometimes I can imagine having sex with someone but most of the time, no? For me, it's just something I don't think or care about until I remember that I'm a "late bloomer" and it's something I should, by society's standards, start doing? I do masturbate, and sometimes experience sexual desire, but not always. I also feel that I would need to be in love or at least very connected to someone. I just don't think I'm the type to want something 'casual.' - not that there's anything wrong with those who do.

And OP, I feel the exact same. I regularly fantasize over many celebrities that I have crushes on! Sometimes I feel celebsexual more than anything haha ;)

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Oh my gosh, I've been trying to find someone who relates to me! I feel the exact same.

I never dated in high school, I just enjoyed being a kid and plus I went to a performing arts high school so it was very small and more of a gay male population than straight. College, I just didn't care enough I guess to want to date? Focused on studies, hanging out with my friends. Didn't really party at all. Now I'm 22, still a virgin. I've been on a few dates but I don't know.

Sometimes I can imagine having sex with someone but most of the time, no? For me, it's just something I don't think or care about until I remember that I'm a "late bloomer" and it's something I should, by society's standards, start doing? I do masturbate, and sometimes experience sexual desire, but not always. I also feel that I would need to be in love or at least very connected to someone. I just don't think I'm the type to want something 'casual.' - not that there's anything wrong with those who do.

And OP, I feel the exact same. I regularly fantasize over many celebrities that I have crushes on! Sometimes I feel celebsexual more than anything haha ;)

I agree that it's really hard sometimes to tell whether my curiosities about sex or desires to date are intrinsically motivated or because of societal norms and pressures and all that. I have been on "dates," but only in the sense of having coffee or having a drink with someone one-on-one that could really be interpreted either as a date or not a date....and not with the same person more than once.

It does cause me anxiety sometimes when I wonder if this person "likes" me and are they going to want to date me and have sex with me and being unsure if I want that, but the sad part is that a few times I've worked up all this courage and been willing to move forward with someone to see what I felt (or didn't feel) when I got to know them more, but we ended up not even going out again lol

And celebsexual, I like that a lot haha ;)

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Exactly! Someone I've been talking/seeing someone who says I'm pretty, likes me, etc. And while I find him attractive I'm still not sure how I feel. Sometimes I also wonder if I'm just nervous/not ready for sex because of my lack of experience or if I really don't want it at all.

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Yes, the lack of experience is another possible factor lol I can relate to that too. It's hard to know the reasons behind your feelings for sure!

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  • 2 weeks later...
life_carnival

This is my third post of the day (I just joined today) and this story could basically a story about ME. I'm 35 years old female and yes I'm a virgin, never in a relationship, not even dating, and I experienced ALL those things you said:

  • 'different focus in school" that I didn't even understand all the fuss about having boyfriends (during school and university),
  • 'the thing with celebrity' (though I can't picture myself having sex with random people on the street),
  • I masturbate too (not often, usually at that time of the month),
  • Theoretically, I probably still want to have sex, someday, but even now I'm fine at never having it, and never have a relationship either.

At the moment I think of myself as Grey-A due to the celebrity factor as well. I still have no idea if it changes if I meet "the one", but considering that I probably closer to aromantic spectrum as well, maybe this time I'm fine dipping myself in Grey-A pool (Grey-A with strong tendency of being asexual aromantic, I guess)

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This is really similar to me, there are a few thins which are different to me but most is pretty spot on. I only really figured out completely that I am asexual yesterday though so that makes us a bit different :P but when I realised I was asexual, I then found this site, and saw all the other types of labels, and then I was confused all over again :P so I have had a bit of a browse, and everybody is different so I don't know if you could apply this to yourself, but I have come to the conclusion that am asexual, but I could possibly fall into the grey sexual area at some point if the right person comes along, it is the only way I have managed to figure it out for myself :) xx

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