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How do you deal with people who are sexually attracted to you?


Conscientious Ghost

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Conscientious Ghost

People rarely find me sexually appealing, and I'm grateful for that. However, I'm uncomfortable when I realize or discover someone actually wants to do or compliment (like 'hey sexy' or 'hot stuff') me.

This is what I want to do:
tumblr_le4ozaLCdX1qao2el.gif

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Have any of them been uncomfortably persistent though? Because if not just act as friends and if they imply they'd like something more a 'no thanks, not interested' might suffice.

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Totally Schwuaat?

I used to just ignore it until it went away. Now I'm a bit more proactive and honest about it when it comes along, "No thanks". There are other times where I've been oblivious to it and caused some problems that were never, and couldn't be resolved, or just oblivious and it passed by without me noticing (as far as I know). More recently, I had a couple of relationships with some sexual people, hence my new-found pro-activity.

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Conscientious Ghost

Have any of them been uncomfortably persistent though? Because if not just act as friends and if they imply they'd like something more a 'no thanks, not interested' might suffice.

No, they stepped back when I finally said I was uncomfortable.

I used to just ignore it until it went away. Now I'm a bit more proactive and honest about it when it comes along, "No thanks". There are other times where I've been oblivious to it and caused some problems that were never, and couldn't be resolved, or just oblivious and it passed by without me noticing (as far as I know). More recently, I had a couple of relationships with some sexual people, hence my new-found pro-activity.

I guess asserting myself can prevent further misunderstandings. Thank you both for your responses.

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Hmmm...well I'm an Aspie, have only had two (same-sex) friends in 34 years, and have never been on a date, to a dance, etc., so I've never had anyone express sexual interest. My Aspie side would shut them down before my ace side had a chance to!

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No one has even admitted that they're sexually attracted to me.

Same here except for one time when I was 12. I do not think I am a bad looking guy but I also can not ever tell when a woman likes me or not. In fact flirting is often lost on me, if you flirt with me I will not realize it until hours sometimes even days (and possibly never) later.

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Very few people ever admit it to me. Sometimes a friend tells me someone has been making sexual advances, though, at which point I usually talk to the person. I like to think that open honesty is the best way to go, regardless of consequences. (Unless it's a job thing and you are sworn to confidentiality. In that case, don't be open and honest.) Often though, you have to prepare to get some comments when telling someone you are actually asexual and therefore not interested. They have a tendency of going "You've never tried with a real man/ a woman who knows her stuff". <_<

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Artemis Fowle

There was one time where someone told me they was sexually attracted to me I just smiled and exited stage left with the speed of Usain Bolt. I just typically avoid people who are attracted to me in that way and here's a question too.

"Have you ever tried being friends with someone and they completely misinterpret you and mistaken friendliness for attraction?"

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Contrarian Expatriate

There is nothing wrong with people finding you sexually attractive. I find it quite flattering and confirming of the fact that I take good care of myself.

It is only a problem when, after you have been upfront and honest about not being into them in return, they persist with the sexual attention. My rule is polite first, ignore second, and third party assistance (friends, boss, the police) last.

Finally, get used to this sort of thing, it will happen in life.

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I can't really tell if someone's sexually attracted to me if they aren't vocal and/or obvious about it. I don't like it and I usually just try to ignore it. I like to pretend that I'm a kid in other people's eyes. I know it's not true but I forced myself to believe it. It works most of the time :)

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I ignore catcalls, men who hit on me, and once, a guy who asked to have sex.

These are random men whom I don't know, so it's easy to ignore them. Once there was a coworker and his friends who were rather persistent, and I ignored them too. Technically he just wanted my number, but I'm guessing it was sexual attraction since there's a 99%+ chance he was a sexual. This is me thinking about the situation in retrospect.

I don't associate with men outside of school/work so it's pretty easy to ignore them. If it were a female friend who admitted to be sexually attracted to me, I'd be disgusted and cut all contact.

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ihaveleftbye

@OP: I've had quite a few incidents where friends of mine or new acquaintances have tried to make sexual advances towards me or hit on me in a sexual manner. I'm very upfront with them about not returning said feelings, not being interested in them in that way, and I normally ask them to stop the behavior. In most cases they would back off and everything would go back to being normal again. In a few cases that didn't stop them or phase them and they continued to try to make sexual advances or to constantly hit on me. When someone refuses to stop a behavior that makes me uncomfortable, even after I give them a second or third chance, then I normally show them the door out of my life.

@Artemis Fowle: I've run into the problem where someone mistakes a strong friendship bond as attraction a small handful of times. In most situations I just talked it out with the individual and helped them realize that they are misunderstanding my intentions. They'd explain to me what part of my friendship gestures were giving them that impression in return. Then we'd adjust our behavior towards one another so we'd not be sending mixed signals around anymore. It's a bit different when it's a new friendship or acquaintance that is misunderstanding my friendship gestures. It's really hit or miss if they'll believe me when I tell them that my intentions were nothing more than friendship ones. Sometimes they'll accept that as it is and be cool with me while other times they'll accuse me of lying and walk away. When I get the negative response I just write it off in my head as this person wouldn't have ever amounted to much of a friendship anyway and that I'm not missing anything with them being gone.

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It would depend on who the person is (meaning how well I know him or don't know him) and how they went about showing that attraction. I have had some instances where a guy I hardly know has come on really strong (well, strong as far as I'm concerned, perhaps not so much for a sexual woman) and yes, I would just about be out the window in a flash. But if they are sensible and polite and not crass or rude, and I know them at least a little, then when tends to happen is I have to kind of "friend zone" them (which thus far has been the case because when it has happened I've not felt that way about them), which I feel bad about but there's not much else I can do.

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soMeRandoM670

Yeah I have been on receiving side of this. Like you don't even need, tell person you are ace just you not interested or attracted.
And like, if they pursue it obviously like harassment. And like if did tell them you are ace, and gave all messages it won't happen but pursue because it no longer about that you not sexual not interested in them but you asexual who is not. And thinking changing or doing whatever. Then like, man Hahah.

Friend zone doesn't exist sorry to say. Lack of awareness is however. Friend zone* just failure to see signs he/she not interested.

But yeah, I had people say sexually attracted to me & well most time it has ended badly.

I just can't win.

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Certified Cake Decorator

I have a guy that won't leave me alone in this aspect. He keeps texting me calling me his "baby" and 'hun' and such. I have just stopped replying to him.

Idk how long it will take until he gets it....

Good luck to you!

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It bugs my bf that I don't like being complemented in a sexual way. I'm just trying to get used to wearing revealing clothes in front of him and others, and it totally ruins my composure when he complements me. I don't blush like a normal shojo reaction, I get flustered and instantly want to cover up. He's still trying to figure out how telling me he likes it makes me freak out.

But I haven't experienced anyone else complementing me so. Generally, however, I mostly avoid it. I don't dress super fashionable (T-shirts and jeans baby!) and my favorite outfits are just cargo pants with a tie-dye shirt covered in skulls. Match that with a skull necklace, a frown and no make up and you don't get complements. I'm just that good.

But in the past when I would be asked out I just flat out rejected them. It was best especially for me later convincing myself they didn't mean it seriously.

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Yeah I have been on receiving side of this. Like you don't even need, tell person you are ace just you not interested or attracted.

And like, if they pursue it obviously like harassment. And like if did tell them you are ace, and gave all messages it won't happen but pursue because it no longer about that you not sexual not interested in them but you asexual who is not. And thinking changing or doing whatever. Then like, man Hahah.

Friend zone doesn't exist sorry to say. Lack of awareness is however. Friend zone* just failure to see signs he/she not interested.

But yeah, I had people say sexually attracted to me & well most time it has ended badly.

I just can't win.

Friend-zoning is IMO just an indirect way of telling the person you aren't interested in them that way, but yeah, often they don't even end up as friends, but rather as no relation at all.

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Conscientious Ghost

Is it actually that hard to tell them you're not interested?

It's not really hard for me. I tend to worry if they would persistently evade my space or believe they still have a chance even after I say I'm not interested. Like I said, I'm not used to it because it rarely happens.

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End the friendship, I can't stand the person if I thought they had sexual intentions

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PoppyPrimrose

I feel very awkward if someone is attracted to me. Luckily, I only had that experience twice - both were guys. The second guy was very nice about it - I told him I was asexual, and now we're just friends. The first guy, however, keeps on trying to get my attention and ask me out. It's just really uncomfortable at this stage.

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Totally Schwuaat?

Is it actually that hard to tell them you're not interested?

haha, well if you don't even realize that is what they are after with you it gets a bit tough to take the next step. Otherwise, one could possibly be in a situation where they are pressured to feel "normal" and go along with an uncomfortable relationship built out of one of the partners sexual desires, and the others insecurities as a sexual minority (coming from experience).

If you've become impervious to such things, as I feel I would have been if I'd discovered AVEN and other resources sooner, then it certainly becomes easier. That being said, people are cooomplicated.

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I run away :/ It disturbs me and I just can't deal with it.

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It happened to me once and I handled it really badly. Now I'd know how to react and it wouldn't be a big deal, but I haven't been in a situation like that since.

Which isn's a surprise to me, btw, because I think it would be weird for someone to express 'sexual' interest in any obvious way before expressing a general or a romantic interest first (which can then be politely squashed xD). Maybe that's just the culture I live in or maybe it's because I stay away from night clubs and other places where it might happen.

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I'm homely so I don't have this problem. I'm shocked when someone says hello to me since it's so unexpected.

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Quick answer: flattering in many levels (cute, nice, unknown territory), fascinating, happy with being who I am.

Catcalls: Always bad.

It's more about how I react and think about this situation.

To be honest, I've been thinking about this subject for quite some time now. I'm just consciously thinking how I feel and what I think about these incidents when I notice someone being sexually attracted to me.

I am not sure how many people have been sexually attracted to me, but I've suspected two incidents of it. Here's the most recent one.

Overtime, I've noticed that my-current fuck-buddy is sexually attracted to me. The first time I met him was that he was my coworker in this job we both had last summer. We talked to each other. I just think he's cute and cuddly (that's it, and I would like no sexual contact without my consent), and also a very funny guy and we have the same interests. Maybe that's why we like talking to each other. We were working outside, so I had my sunglasses on. I took it off when it was close to sunset time, he looked at me, and then did a double take. At that time, I thought he just wanted to know what I looked like without my sunglasses on. Soon, I guess he's sexually attracted to me.

I've picked up some clues recently about him being sexually attracted to me. Cough cough, in our first hookup.

Anyways, a couple days ago, the last time we hooked up, I was in his car. I noticed that his eyes were big and wandering around my face. This was also the first time he was choppy and forgetting the words while he was talking.

Hooking up, he would touch my face, grab it like he's massaging and trying to feel a lot of my face.

One part, he grabbed me closer as I flashed upper body to his face, like he wants me inside his body? Wow, no idea what he was thinking. To me, the physical sensation (and consent) was there.

Even having a fuck buddy, when I want to feel "comfy" for myself, I usually (after the fact) kiss and massage his hands, or just do sensual touching if I want to feel him. This is just natural to me. But I do give him my proud consent for these hookups/sex to happen.

Aftemath

Very flattered, since he's cute. I don't see sexual attraction, but I cannot believe people do to me. It's like they see something I don't know. i am forever mystified by my friend/fuck buddy's sexual attraction to me. It's just something I'm forever trying to understand, but will never happen, since I'm asexual, but it doesn't mean I am not fascinated about other people's way of expressing their sexuality.

... The only thing I think seperates me from my fuck buddy is that I don't experience sexual attraction, other than that we both equally enjoy what we're doing and we both want it. Even during sex/hooking up I constantly make a note to myself what are the differences and similarities that my fuck buddy and I have in common. I notice things that I don't experience, trust me. Just because I do not experience sexual attraction, doesn't mean I don't like having sex, or like it any less than he does. Sexual attraction is not as important as consent, respecting the other person, enjoying it, and orgasming from him stimulating me.

It's just something different that I don't know what is happening, in a queer perspective. I respect them since it's just their natural orientation, and I know mine, so I am at peace with my own self, no need to understand something that I don't experience.

Other than me thinking he is romantically attractive is what makes me flattered, I also think the reason I feel flattered is that they don't act on their desires. Only with consent will the sex be right.

These incidents of me consciously knowing the other person that I suspect is sexually attracted to me happened AFTER I knew I was asexual, because that's when I found out many people experience experience sexual attraction, not me however. Plus, I get really horny and thus get hypersexual by choice, while being asexual.

Also, you mentioned about cat calling. these are unwanted, and harrassing to the victim. I usually shame them on social media like to @everydaysexism.

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