Lost my virginity - not sure of asexuality

[ImSofie]

I'm so in doubt if I'm asexual, demi or just have a very low sex drive. Not that I need to label it, but would be nice to hear if anyone else feels the same way.

So I'm 23 years old and recently lost my virginity. I always thought I was just picky, but a couple of years ago I started thinking that I might be asexual. I dated guys and I never really wanted to see them again, but always did just to give it a chance. When I kissed guys it was nice - but not something that turned me on - so it never led further.

Then I met this guy at a party (it probably helped that I was slightly drunk) that I instantly felt sort of a chemistry with (I think?). I ended up sleeping with him, which surprised me more than anyone! I'm not really sure if I was actually sexually attracted to him - I didn't really feel an physical attraction to his body per se. I just felt sort of a connection with him even though he was essentially a stranger (he was also really nice and pretty). And I wanted to have sex with him - otherwise I probably wouldn't have. And when I think about when having sex with him it makes me feel good - but I never enjoyed a sexual fantasy like that before. Actually it's mostly the other parts than the actual sex that I enjoy thinking about.

This just baffles me - I never met a guy before that I wanted to have sex with. Sex never disgusted me or bothered me - I would think about it but without myself involved. I never masturbated until I was in my 20's - it didn't really work for me before.

So as you can probably tell, I'm a bit confused. Maybe I'm just somewhere in between? Not a very sexual person? Does anyone else have a similar experience?

[butterflydreams]

It seems like you have some good thoughts about yourself and your feelings. Honestly that's the first step in feeling less confused. I can't say that I've had a similar experience as you, but I suspect others here might.

These kinds of things really do take time, and it may not feel like you're getting any less confused, but I promise, you will figure yourself out :)

So take some time to read things people have said here, check out some blogs and things, and just generally be nice to yourself. However you feel is ok, because you're still you! If you find a label that seems like it might fit, try it on. Let things fall into place the way they will. No need to force anything.

And welcome!

[I'm a person too!]

Well if it was something about him as an individual I think it counts as demi. The important thing is that you're okay with what's happening with you and that you aren't doing anything you don't want to (and are doing what you want and are comfortable with.)

Is this an occasion o n which you congratulate people? Just go with what feels right and be honest with him.

[binary suns]

[binary suns]

[Guest]

Having lost your virginity has nothing to do with being asexual. I am sure that some other ace are no longer virgin either.

[TheWheatOne]

You probably just have a low libido I would say, and it is just hard to turn on. Demisexuals are usually characterized as having extremely specific turn-ons, often emotionally invested in those they are attracted and hot for, so I doubt a pretty stranger you had sex with while drunk is about that.

[Sockstealingnome]

I don't know what it makes you. Maybe time will tell. From what I can decipher, it just seems like you were comfortable enough around this person that when sex was put on the table, you said, "That's fine." Maybe you could try speaking to them more (while sober) to see if there's still some kind of connection. It could help you sort out exactly how you feel about them.

[ImSofie]

Thank you for all your helpful answers! I think you are right, that I will figure it out with time. I think sexuality might be a spectrum and I'm on the asexual side, but not completely asexual. I do realize that having sex doesn't make me not asexual, but the feelings that was associated with sex made me be doubt it. :)

I can't really talk to him, as I'm pretty sure he is not interested. I couldn't stop thinking about him the entire week after I slept with him ;) But that is a whole other issue, which shows that I might actually be able to have feelings for someone. I always thought I couldn't.

Also - I hate dating. It never works out and is always super awkward. But with this guy it was all just natural and not awkward.

[Sockstealingnome]

Thank you for all your helpful answers! I think you are right, that I will figure it out with time. I think sexuality might be a spectrum and I'm on the asexual side, but not completely asexual. I do realize that having sex doesn't make me not asexual, but the feelings that was associated with sex made me be doubt it. :)

I can't really talk to him, as I'm pretty sure he is not interested. I couldn't stop thinking about him the entire week after I slept with him ;) But that is a whole other issue, which shows that I might actually be able to have feelings for someone. I always thought I couldn't.

Also - I hate dating. It never works out and is always super awkward. But with this guy it was all just natural and not awkward.

Eh I think it's pretty understandable to think about someone when they're the first person you've slept with. That's the person you'll always remember.

[Ficulnean]

I'm glad to hear that you weren't uncomfortable with anything. I would say demi or low libido if this were proactive thinking on your part about him, but as it's all retroactive feelings you have I'm rather confused myself.

You just sound "not very sexual" to me.Not sure where specifically though, and obviosuly some sexual people are less sexual than others. Can't say I've helped you with definitions here.