ExpectoPatronum Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Hi everyone!I am new to this community (I actually just registered just now) even though I have been thinking of joining the last couple of years. I'm not really sure where to begin but I would like to get some advise and thoughts from you since I'm really confused (as I am sure that many of you are too) about my sexuality and romantic orientation and I have been confused for most of my life. Also, I would like to apologize in advance if this post is in the wrong forum. I am 22 years old and I have never been in love, been in a relationship or ever wanted to have a relationship. Questions of sex or love never started to bother me until I started high school and my friends were talking about it constanly. The first time I started to wonder if I was Asexual was when I was 17 and went on a eurotrip with my friends and one night when I got really drunk they pressured me to go home with a guy I just met. I didn't really want to but for some reason I did it anyway, we never had sex because I felt so scared and disgusted so I pretended to fall asleep. The following days and weeks I felt so destroyed, almost as if I had been raped (because he did do other things to me and I "let" him) and my friends thought that I was wierd, that I "should be happy, any other girl would be glad to met a guy like that". (As the feminist I am today I am now very well aware of the issue with girls blaming themsleves when being pressured to have sex)I didn't have my next sexual encounter until last year when I was 21 and lost my virginity to a friend of mine. I still don't know how I feel about it and it's all so confusing. In the beginning (we had sex several times during some months) I only did it because I liked him so much as a friend and trusted him but at the end I sort of got used to it and almost started to like it. I never had any romantic feeling towards him, only an emotinal bond through firendship and I am really ashamed to admit it but he had a girlfriend at the time which is why I think I was okey with being with him. Since I knew that he could never be in a relationship with me and I was happy with that. After we stopped seeing each other (I moved to another country) the feelings of anxiety started to come and I felt disgusted with myself for having had sex and dislike towards him since he never noticed how uncomfortable and hurt I was every time. This made me think that maybe I wasn't asexual after all, since I could feel sexual attraction and have sex with someone that I felt close to, so maybe I am a demisexual. (I would also like to add that I do not identify myself as heterosexual at all becuase I see no point in liking people based on their sex, I find women more attractive but since I can't fall in love and never had a sexual encounter with a woman I am not sure if I could be lesbian) But my biggest problem is that I always trick myself, at first I think "maybe I like this person afterall" and I try to engage in something but as soon as the other person gets interested or show some affection I feel clastrophobic, trapped and become irritated with them - in the end I always realise how little interest I have in a relationship but I feel confused and wonder why I started leading them on from the start - could it be because of the norms and pressure from society? And I am really unsure of what part of my identity it is that makes me feel this way, is it my sexuality or my lack of wanting to have a relationship or is something wrong with me since I feel so violated and disgusted with myself? I am glad that I found this community and hopefully some of you could shed some light on my issues. Link to post Share on other sites
h_langley Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 First of all, according to what you've written here, I don't see anything wrong with you. Also, there is something called akoisexual/romantic which is when sexual/romantic feelings fade when those feelings are reciprocated. This may or may not apply to you, but it immediately popped into my head when I was reading the end of your post~ Oh, and welcome to the community! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpectoPatronum Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 First of all, according to what you've written here, I don't see anything wrong with you. Also, there is something called akoisexual/romantic which is when sexual/romantic feelings fade when those feelings are reciprocated. This may or may not apply to you, but it immediately popped into my head when I was reading the end of your post~ Oh, and welcome to the community! Thanks! I had never heard about that orientation before but when I looked it up it seamed interesting and could possibly apply to me. I guess in the end the important thing is not to label oneself but to feel free to be however and whoever you want and maybe I will never know which sexuality or romantic orientation I have but at least I have this community and others in the same position! Link to post Share on other sites
Zapstileon Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Labels are tricky. I like them because of that, I guess. But you are right, it is best to be whoever and however you want and feel most comfortable. My first encounter with sex was largely the same as yours. I always blamed him for the pressuring, though. To this day, I feel like he should have gotten the hints. Anything other than a clear, obvious yes, is not actually consent. "Maybe", and "I guess", and stuff like that doesn't count at all. The norms and pressures of society is something I have long been trying to break away from. I only conform to that as far as necessary not to be considered crazy. Aside from that, with my own words, screw society. Do what you want and be who you want. You need to be comfortable with yourself. You'd be surprised how much it improves your quality of life when you find a way to be comfortable with yourself. And know this; you do not have to be in relationships if you don't want to. I think h_langley might have a point, though I know fairly little about akoiromance/sexuality. My best advice to you is to keep exploring and try things out. Even if you identify as asexual today, doesn't mean you have to identify as that for the rest of your life. Welcome to AVEN and good luck on your quest! Link to post Share on other sites
megghan18 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I am new to the community too. I have a lot of questions about my asexuality (which I am certain of) and I am trying to know whether or not I am aromantic. The only ones who can help me are those who are the same, or going through the same. Link to post Share on other sites
AshenPhoenix Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Moving this to the gray area, sex, and related discussions AshenPhoenix, romantic and aromantic orientations moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ExpectoPatronum Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Thank you for your thoughts! I think that sexuality is something very fluent, it's not black and white and it can change through the years. For example, even if I never had a relationship or fell in love with guys I always used to identify myself as hetero because that was the norm of society. However, now when I am an active feminist and study gender I have come to realise that sex/gender doesn't matter and that the heterosexual twoness is not the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 The term lithoromantic may interest and apply to you, in addition to demisexual. Should you find that these fit you then head over and introduce yourself in the welcome lounge up near the top, if you want to get involved in the community as well! It's nice to have you. Link to post Share on other sites
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