Totally confused.

[Synchrèse]

It's been half a year since I found out and enthusiastically embraced asexuality as my orientation, but about a month ago these thoughts started creeping somewhere in my head and they made me question...

Basically, I have troubles engaging in and maintaining relationships; I don't make friends (or even acquaintances) easily, I find it hard to keep in touch with those people who somehow decide to engage in some sort of a relationship with me, no matter whether they are my very few friends or just mates and I've never been in a romantic/sexual relationship - the only instance when I was pretty close to do that I retreated and I simply kicked off that person from my life without giving any reason (which wasn't cool, I must admit that).

I feel almost completely disconnected from the people and the world; I think that I don't experience my relationships as deep as my friends do, even if we've been friends for couple years and we went through a lot of things together. When I'm away for months I don't really miss them, I don't feel much, to be honest. I really started thinking about it after I did the parachute jump (by the way, it wasn't my idea).When I was sitting in the plane, jumping out, falling down I didn't feel...anything. I was neither scared nor enthusiastic, when I landed and they asked me how it was, I just said 'It was fine'. I was quite surprised with my own reaction, because normally people would rather experience loads of intense emotions, but I didn't.

My experience with low self-esteem, dysthymia, social phobia, some obscure things from my childhood which apparently nobody remembers,but which must have shaped me somehow, psychologists and psychiatrists made me question my asexuality. What if I somehow blocked, repressed myself from showing emotions, from experiencing them? I find myself daydreaming about close relationship quite often, it haunts me as in real life I express no willingness to engage in such. I definitely don't feel any romantic or sexual interest in people around me and that fits perfectly to my self-image as asexual aromantic, but right now, after all these thoughts and reflections, I got totally confused and I no longer know if I am really asexual or just... broken.

[Arf]

Only you can decide if the label is right for you, but I can tell you that it's OKAY if you don't know why you're asexual. If you're asexual due to depression, it doesn't matter. It doesn't make you less of an asexual or a fake asexual or anything like that. If you find out you're not asexual in future, no harm done, but if it makes sense to identify as that for now, go for it.

[Exosk]

How do you daydream the close relationships? Is it like feeling yourself waiting for a response on something? Is it imagining how a conversation might go?
If they are fragmented like that, I think for me those types of things occur if there is something new socially around me, I think it might be something like what dreams are when we sleep (to prepare for such events). They disappear when I'm not around them (hearing and seeing them on TV or after visiting a public place). Which I think is part of the reason I don't get as lonely as some people when I've been isolated.

I don't think that you're broken. If you are, then I am too, because much of what you have written also describes me. I don't get the excitement and pleasure from things a lot of people normally do. I have hobbies and I can get a kind of satisfaction from solving a problem that arises or by meeting a goal that I've set for myself. But when I've met the goal, it's just like, ...okay...what now.... It doesn't really feel like an end or that progress has been made.

[truthisbest7]

Are u vegetarian? Just asking because I am and I found myself getting very depressed over the last year. Along with it came a lack of emotional response to anything.....everything was just "ok" whatever. Now what.....So I stumbled onto the fact that if your brain isn't getting enough fats it's not going to function properly. So, I thought "What the hell" and took a couple omega 3 fish oil pills. .... wow! Like 2 hrs later I felt a difference. I haven't stopped taking them since. Just a thought. :)

[Synchrèse]

How do you daydream the close relationships? Is it like feeling yourself waiting for a response on something? Is it imagining how a conversation might go?

If they are fragmented like that, I think for me those types of things occur if there is something new socially around me, I think it might be something like what dreams are when we sleep (to prepare for such events). They disappear when I'm not around them (hearing and seeing them on TV or after visiting a public place). Which I think is part of the reason I don't get as lonely as some people when I've been isolated.

I don't think that you're broken. If you are, then I am too, because much of what you have written also describes me. I don't get the excitement and pleasure from things a lot of people normally do. I have hobbies and I can get a kind of satisfaction from solving a problem that arises or by meeting a goal that I've set for myself. But when I've met the goal, it's just like, ...okay...what now.... It doesn't really feel like an end or that progress has been made.

My daydreaming is quite persistent, if I'm not preoccupied with anything else, then I'm floating straight into it. It mostly involves different social activities in which I would potentially participate in real life but I don't. One of the 'themes' is closeness, just being, in a very sensual way, with someone, a made-up person. The theory is that my daydreaming substitutes what I subconsciously strive for in real life and what I can't get since I isolate myself for whatever damn reason. Daydreaming also gives me a nice control over what happens, one can simply step out and vanish it when feels uncomfortable, however, my daydreams very often deal with difficult experiences too and, surprisingly, they produce quite authentic emotional effects (if I didn't lack confidence and I wasn't that shy I would probably be a great actress). Basically...it's insane. I feel like I'm living in two parallel worlds, one of them is in my head, from the other one I'm isolated by a glass wall, or by some kind of a bubble.

Are u vegetarian? Just asking because I am and I found myself getting very depressed over the last year. Along with it came a lack of emotional response to anything.....everything was just "ok" whatever. Now what.....So I stumbled onto the fact that if your brain isn't getting enough fats it's not going to function properly. So, I thought "What the hell" and took a couple omega 3 fish oil pills. .... wow! Like 2 hrs later I felt a difference. I haven't stopped taking them since. Just a thought. :)

Actually I am and for last couple days I've been taking the oil pills as I thought that it's good to keep omega 3 in my organism, however I don't really see the connection between my diet and what's happening in my head since all my dysthymia stories had started long before I became vegetarian. But thanks anyway!

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate that.

[Blinkin]

You remember me to someone I know real life. Or actually knew because of me being kicked out of her life. Which means that you're not alone, all of the things you said also apply on the person I knew.

This probably doesn't help you. But I want to let you know that it's up to you how you define yourself. I know a little bit how you feel and I think you'll be okay. But it might be a though journey in self-discovery. I wish you good luck, you can do it. ;)