Jump to content

How to Handle Friends and Family Getting on Your Case? (Sexual-esque content below)


Taya-Leigh

Recommended Posts

Hi there! I'm new to the forums and I thought I'd ask a question to kind of get myself started.

How do you personally deal with friends and family getting on your case about not having sex?

Maybe a bit about me would add some clarity.

I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. We're both virgins and have lived together for over a year. He's sexual and is just very kind and understanding about me not wanting to have sex (although, as I'll explain later, this might change). He's not the issue. The issue is that many of my friends and family (who don't necessarily know about Asexuality, just that we haven't had sex) always say things like "I feel so bad for him" and "Why are you making him wait so long" and "give the boy some love", and the most hurtful one "Are you sure you even like him?". I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I just have a very low desire for sex. In the past few months I've started to feel more of a sexual attraction to him, so I'm thinking that soon might be the time for us; but I know comments like "Jesus, finally!" and "Its about time" and things like that are going to come at me if anyone ever finds out.

I once confided in a friend because I thought she'd understand: She had decided to be celibate and wait for marriage for religious reasons, and seeing as she didn't have a boyfriend and was always fairly squeemish about sex, it wasn't much of a problem for her. Then a few months ago, she got a boyfriend, had her first kiss, and all that; and within six months she'd given him her virginity. Now, I don't care that she didn't remain celibate, what hurt was that she started acting like she was better than my boyfriend and I, insisting that "we don't know what we're missing" and any time we bickered, saying things like "You two need to get laid". This all came from someone I thought I could trust and someone who might understand, and still, it was just thrown back at me.

How do you guys deal with things like this, and what should I personally do? I'm tired of my sex life being used against me or thrown at me like an insult. It even happens with my family, who you would think would be happy that I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon.

Thanks in advance everyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ugh, I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. In your situation, I would (a) not tell people, especially family, about my sex life, and (b) get better friends. I understand that it might be difficult to do this, but people are always going to comment on information you give them, if it's the slightest bit juicy, so the best way to go might be to just tell them it's none of their business if they ask (it isn't!) I don't really see the need for anyone other than my closest friends to know anything about the details of my relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My own opinion: if you're assertive enough, you can tell them to back off. I don't think your sex life is anyone's business except your own.

Your best bet is to start setting a boundary about the subject. You should tell them their "concern" and comments about your sex life are not necessary. You don't have to be aggressive about it, just something like, "I appreciate your concern but my sex life is my business." If they make a fuss, just tell them they're being intrusive and end the discussion. If they're respectful they'll drop it and know where your boundary is. If they're super insistent, don't answer anymore of their questions and change the subject.

My own friends asked me about my sex life and I told them I found the questions intrusive. They haven't bothered me since.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if I'm replying to things properly or not but I guess we'll see.

They bring it up in the weirdest ways, like they're trying to be stealthy about it. I'm an aspiring editor and my step-mom asked me if I could edit a novel she's been working on, so I said yes because I could use the experience. She casually mentioned that there were sex scenes in the novel, but she made sure to mark them off in case I was too uncomfortable reading it (Yay! Awesome!) but that if I did read it, I "probably wouldn't be able to edit those parts very much because [i'm] still a virgin, right?" and then she just stared at me waiting to confirm or deny it (Boo! Not awesome!). I tried to ignore it but she took my silence/ changing the subject as confirmation. Its just thinks like that, waiting for me to correct them or not correct them that they pull. I don't get why it's such a pressing matter for them. The only one who doesn't comment on my virginity is my dad who covers his ears and goes "lalalalala" any time anything about sex (even in the academic way) comes up in a conversation I'm in. Guess he's happy not knowing, which is all well and good for me. It's just really frustrating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She casually mentioned that there were sex scenes in the novel, but she made sure to mark them off in case I was too uncomfortable reading it (Yay! Awesome!) but that if I did read it, I "probably wouldn't be able to edit those parts very much because [i'm] still a virgin, right?" and then she just stared at me waiting to confirm or deny it (Boo! Not awesome!).

The bolded part might be a subtle jab but it's still a jab.

Depending on how assertive you are, I suggest to address any of those "concerns" head on, no matter how subtle it is. For example, if your mom makes a similar comment you can tell her that the state of your sexual activity / sex life is none of her concern. The most important part is you're setting a boundary and enforcing it - talking about your sex life or the state of your sexual experience is not open to discussion, not matter what kind of "probe" they want to use.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but as long as you don't put your foot down they'll think asking questions/making comments that are, essentially, making you uncomfortable is OK. Just keep telling them that it's not on the table for discussion (i.e. enforcing your boundary) and they should eventually let up. If your friends doesn't respect it, consider meeting new people. For family and closer friends, you'll probably have to talk to them about it.

Just remember if they get angry the problem isn't with you - there is nothing wrong with saying no to something. It's really about them.

On that note, I'm moving this thread from The Gray Area to Asexual Relationships.

Naosuu, The Gray Area Moderator

Link to post
Share on other sites

Simply put (and I understand this may be harder to achieve than I make it sound), you need to find a better support system :<

The friends that I have would never belittle a relationship of mine like that just because there was no sex occurring. All that people should need to be concerned about is whether the two of you are happy together, whatever that entails.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone, I'll do my best! I'm not one for confrontation, but I think you're right in saying that unless I do anything, it'll keep on going. Fortunately I don't live at home so this isn't a constant problem, but the next time it comes up I'll definitely try to shut it down, even if it's something as small as "I don't really see why that matters".

Simply put (and I understand this may be harder to achieve than I make it sound), you need to find a better support system :<

Yeah, I know I do, but I'm not a very social person, so I have very few friends to begin with, so whittling it down to people who aren't going to be a crappy support system is going to be difficult and kind of lonely. I have one friend who is openly asexual, and I've debated talking to her about it, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I've been yo-yo-ing back and forth between talking to her or not. Being demisexual myself, I know how annoying it can be when people talk about sex all the time, and I don't want to do that to her.

Thanks everyone, I'll definitely try my best to stand up for myself the next time it comes up!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...