My Asexual GF, how do I cope?

[Siuk4t]

This is my first time on this site, and I been reading a few posts about peoples relationships with their Asexual partner but I feel like my questions and feelings haven't been answered.

So Let me start from the beginning.

I met my girlfriend about 1 1/2 years ago. I actually met her on a site called POF (Penty of Fish). She was from KY I was from Chicago. She was single and I was about to be ending a relationships only to move down south by her (already was going to happen before I met her). Well the move happened and the day I moved into my new apt. was the day she moved in with me. Nothing was really said, it just happened. What really was supposed to happen was she was to visit me, stay at my place when she had to be at work, since she was transferring to a place right down the street from me. From there we were to see how our relationship went. If it went for the better she was then to move it... but we ended up skipping that step and instantly started living together.

While living together she never stated anything about being asexual, or not like being intamate. Infact we were having sex every single day, sometimes twice a day. We would do other things that didn't involve being intamate such as going on hike, cooking breakfest/dinner together, watchign movies, playing with the dog, visiting my sister, and just hanging out. If you looked in it would seem like we had the dream relationship everybody wanted. We were team Bean and Penguin.

About three months into living together. Our sexual experiences together started to fade out. I questioned her about it from time to time and it always seemed to come around to the fact of:

I am to busy

To tired

Not cuddly after a rough discussion

have to be up early

(the famous) on my period

Not in the mood

Or just the plain old.... NO

To current day I haven't felt her touch of ANY kind for almost a year. To show you how bad it is:

Just last night after coming home from work I gave her a kiss like I always do. Went into the ktichen, turned around walked back out. Went to reach for her, for a warm loving hug and a kiss to wrap it all up in. What did she do? Felt her muscles slightly tense, pulled her body inward while hunching over, turning her back to, and she said her classic line I always hear.. "What are you doing hunny! Why are being so clingy stop it! No. come on..." while trying to pull away. She always does this to me. However, when its going to bed I can hold her while we fall asleep.

Another list of examples:

Never get a random kiss (Only get kisses when she leaves for work in the AM, or when I go for one)

never get pulled over to cuddle on the couch (I always have to do it myself)

no hugs

No cuddling from her in bed

Believe it or not, she hasn't done anything of those listed for a YEAR!!! A WHOLE YEAR!!! Yes, I been keeping track.

When I list these things to her and tell her I feel unwanted, and unloved she fires back and tells me "I cook for you, call you when I get home, meet up up at places if your somewhere when I get off work sometimes, buy food for you for work." and honestly those are the only things I know of that she always says. I feel like she doesn't understand what I am trying to say, even when I tell her bluntly.

She has even told me the reason why she stopped being sexual with me. I can tell you that some of it is because I had a bad angry streak in me that comes out from time to time, but this was something she wasn't use too. Her past relationships were a bit the same. So, because I didn't want to be labled like one of her exes, I started yoga, started doing things for me. Thats when I realized that all I did was work, home, work, home, work, home. While she had, work, home, crossfit, softball, work, home, crossfit, softball. I needed me time, so I am much happier now. Started to dress in a way she finds sexy (Think of how a softball player may dress or basketball player would... jeans t-shirt, cute look... something along those lines), wear the colon she likes to smell on girls, attending to her. But, still I feel unwanted and unloved. Almost to the point I feel like she doesn't even think I am beauty, pretty, or sexy.

I dont know if this is just me, or if there is something wrong with me. But, in all reality, yes, sex would be nice from time to time... but I just cannot wrap around why I cannot hug her, why she wont come to me. Why I always have to start the contact of even just a cuddle! Hell I thought we got a bigger couch so we could cuddle when we wanted to but have our space when we need our own time.... but it seems like the couch is made for us to be on our own ends of the earth.

I dont know maybe this turned more into a rant. But I am confused, I dont know if she is asexual but I feel like she is. She told me last night when confronted her, "I am just not really into that.". If she is, how do I still get the warmth that I am looking for. I am really not asking to get an orgasim from her. Hell I been responsible for that for about 20 years. She was the first to get me to experience on. So for this whole year I been back to being responsible for my own. I am ok with that to a point.

I feel like I am lost in a maze and I do not know how to get the cheese.

[wyrdwyrm]

(I'm sure there will be much better answers after me, but I'll put in my two cents. :) )

Firstly, no one can determine asexuality but her, and communication is the only way to figure out what's really going on. It sounds like you've been trying to do that, without much luck so far.

Ideally, the best thing would be to find a time when neither of you are stressed or busy or rushing off to the next thing to sit down and talk calmly about this. The important thing is to avoid making her feel defensive or judged, so she feels free to say what's on her mind.

Open with something like, "I miss the emotional/physical closeness we used to have, and I'm worried that there's something bothering you than I'm not aware of."

Be okay with what the answer might be, whether she's discovered she's asexual, or it's a physical/hormonal issue, or she's just fallen out of love/attraction with you and is afraid to bring it up because she's worried about losing the place she lives. (Or any other possibility that I'm not thinking of yet.) Let her know that you're asking because you care about her, not because there's something you want right now.

If this conversation doesn't work with just the two of you, a good therapist might be helpful in helping you both understand what's going on and act as a mediator/translator so each person really knows what the other is trying to say.

Either way, you're in a rough spot that won't go away without some good communication, and you have my sympathies.

Good luck!

[I'm not insane]

Hi Siuk4t, I'm sorry to hear about all the troubles you are having in your relationship.

Based on what you have written, it sounds like it's more than asexuality involved here (if it is asexuality).

Are you able to communicate your feelings with her? Is there a way to come up with a reasonable compromise with her? As a married asexual (grey-a, to be specific), I don't desire sex often, but have it with my sexual husband because I want to satisfy him in that aspect.

In short, keep those lines of communication open. But she has to do her part, too, in communicating her wants and needs. It can't be a one-way street.

I wish you the best.

[Siuk4t]

I have tried to speak to her in an adult conversation. I have asked her when we are both off from work, had a great day, and eating a good meal. I always ask her what happened to us, that I try and give her space that she always wants, and try to be indepenant like all her past girlfriends where.

I have sincerely told her that I miss cuddling, that I miss hearing my nickname, that I want to know what happened. All she honestly says is that, "Taht was in the beginning of a new relationships, and that is what allways happens. We are now over a year into it, and its not going to be the same anymore." I tellher I understand that. However, what I dont understand is why did our things of doing, like hikes, breakfest, cuddling has stopped. She would tell me again that life has kicked in and this is real world. She constatnly states taht I am looking for a "Fairy tale" ending but in fact I am not. I am just looking to get the equal end of the stick, but I keep getting jipped.

Even this sweetest touch from me she 1/2 the time quivers away. She even stated I have wondering hands, but to be truthfull I think anybody would after 1 year of no hugs, no random kisses (minus the ones leaving for work, or before shutting the eyes before sleep... but now I am the one have to go in for that now.... so last thing I have left is the kiss I get from her before she leaves for work, and I am still in bed sleeping. Go figure), no cuddling, no sex... unless it was intiated by yourself (minus the sex part, because lets face it.. I always get shot down before I can remotely make a move..)

[Anime Pancake]

Hi!

Wow that sounds really difficult :(

I consider myself asexual and if I had a girlfriend that didn't want to hug me or show affection, I would be really upset and sad and disappointed also. That's really amazing that you've been able to go for such a long time without receiving affection from her.

First I would like to say that it's completely understandable for you to feel sad or disappointed about how things have been going.

I think that the things here might have to do with more than just asexuality (if it does have to do with asexuality at all)

Not wanting sex is one thing, lack of interest in physical affection is something separate, and then there is of course general communication.

Does she seem to be showing affection or positive communication at all? If I may ask, do you two still spend time together casually and do fun things?

I think it's really good that you let her know how you feel and that you feel unloved, since she hasn't been affectionate much.

Maybe it would help if you two sat down and talked about both of your emotional needs and other needs as well.

If I was in a relationship with someone and they didn't want to show much affection, I would feel really sad too.

Maybe you two can talk about the amount of emotional affection, physical affection, sexual interaction etc that you two want and what you're both interested in and not interested in.

If she isn't willing to be physically affectionate and at least hug you, if that is something that makes you really happy and feel content, then maybe you two should talk about that more. Hopefully she will be willing to discuss it and will be considerate of your feelings, since it is something that is bothering you. And likewise that you will be considerate of her feelings too of course.

But yeah, as far as I know, asexuals don't necessarily dislike physical affection. I know many asexual people (myself included) that love physical affection. Many asexuals like hugging, cuddling. Some of us enjoy kissing and things like that as well. So it may be two different issues: not being into sex, and not wanting physical affection at all. And I would ask about how the normal interaction is, like just spending time doing casual things or having fun doing normal activities together.

Overall, it may have to do with asexuality or it may not.

Anyways, I think it was really considerate of you to ask these questions :) If you have any more questions, feel free to ask! You seem really nice!

Stay strong :) and I admire you for trying to find ways to make things better between you two. Plenty of people would have just up and left without trying to make things better, but you are at least trying! You seem cool!

[tristifere]

I'm sorry to hear your relationship isn't going well. I agree with what others said: the only way to fix this is to have an open and honest conversation in which both of you can say what you need in your relationship, so you can work on creating a situation in which you're both happy and feel emotionally and affectionately fullfilled. From what I gathered from your posts in this topic and the other one you opened in the Older Asexuals forum, you've already tried to get the conversation going, but without much success. If you feel it's impossible to have this conversation, but you do want to try to save the relationship, perhaps a relationship therapist is a good idea.

One question, though: have you talked about asexuality with her? There are plenty of people who don't even know asexuality exists. If she is indeed asexual (and the only who can determine that, is she herself), discovering that part of herself might help her not only understand her own perspective better, but also your perspective. If she doesn't want sex, she might feel that the only way to prevent that is to shut down all physical contact. And she might not realise just how important sex can be for non-asexual people.

I hope you're able to get the conversation going.

[Siuk4t]

Ok, first thing is first... I love that name, Turtle man... this is how goofy I am, even though I am about to be 30.... "Are you turtley enough for the turtle club... TURTLE TURTLE." omg, sorry that is one of my fav. quotes.

Ok, now that I got that out of my system

.

"Does she seem to be showing affection or positive communication at all? If I may ask, do you two still spend time together casually and do fun things?"

If you count showing affection by, calling me when she is coming home, cooking me dinner cause I dont get home until about 7pm, getting me the food I need for my breakfast and lunches for work (Work as a corrections officer, I wake up at 4am, clock in at work at 6, clock out at approx 6:15pm, and get home at 7pm), and a few other things taht just feel like routine. Sure, she shows affection.

Postivie communcation.

Please expand on that one.

Fun things.

That is very wishful. I love going into the city, whenever I bring it up, she brings up money, and time, and so much more. We barely get days off together. When I am off she gets home at approx 1:00-2:00 but she is so tired she wants to take a nap, then crossfit, then eat dinner, and relax at home. She falls asleep at movie theaters. Doesn't like camping unless its with a big group, or hiking, or going into the city... least that is what she says. Didn't care in the beginning because it was the beginning of things.

We have gone around on this converstaion over and over and over again. Perhaps I am saying something wrong, or my tone isn't right, but it never goes anywere. I know I tellh er I need these things to feel wanted or loved... but she always says "Thats not me, I dont do those things."

She knows I feel empty inside from time to time... hell I have tried to chagne my world around for her

But, yes, call me stubborn. When I am in a relationship I am committed. Unless I don't see anything else changing or getting better I slowly pull my emotions away and become emotionally detached. it takes me sometime to get there, but I will stay in the relationship until I am there, so I myself do not get mentally distressed, or anything.

However, please understand I still see a light at the end of the tunnel its just getting there... and we are not doing it effectively.

[Siuk4t]

Thank you Mega, I am going to approach her with it tonight, and just let her know that it is stressing me out. Because I know I am fullfilling her, but I dont think she realizes I am being fullfilled. I might seem happy and very interested in everything but in reality I am screaming inside. Its not that I dont think she loves me, because I know she does.. its the fact that I dont know what to do anymore to get that one spot in me filled.....

However, I know what she is going to say to that one.... "Whjatever it is you are feeling, you cannot look to other to make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. You need to figure out what it is in you that you are missing. There is something about you that is needed."

Trust me, talked and talked and talked so many times...

*slams head so hard on table even got her one inmate worried for her*

[tristifere]

It must be so frustrating to feel like the message is somehow not getting through to her.

I hope your conversation goes well tonight. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you'll be able to have a satisfying conversation.

[Siuk4t]

Thank you Mega. Hopefully tomorrow I can tell you all how it went. I dont have a computer at home, my laptop died.

I will say though I know she loves me, as I love her. Just wish I can get a bit more of a taste of that love she has for me.

Everything I do is for her....

Hell who else would have a schedule like this.

Worked yesterday, today and tomorrow,

off 1 day,

work 3,

off 1,

work 3,

off 3,

work 3,

off 1,

work 3,

off 1

work 3... so on so forth....

in 11 days I only have 2 day off and we already barely see each other, since I have a set schedule for the year and she doesnt.... oh and I work 12 hr shifts... up at 4am, get home at about 7pm, in bed by 8. YAY LIFE!

[flesh-pocket]

i think, since you have tried to broach this with her time and time again, and she keeps saying that "that's not how she is," then shes probably not going to change. as sad as it is, if you cant get her to see that you aren't being fulfilled emotionally here, the only option would be to break up. sometimes people just aren't compatible, and from what you've said here, it sounds like she hasn't been trying to at least accommodate you with any affection that shes knows at this point you are missing.

[Siuk4t]

oh trust me we got into a heated discussion and it ended up us being on a break. I told her that there is and 80% chance taht we wont get back together because statistic shows that those who go on breaks, never come back... she re-stated taht she wanted a break from my fighting... Besides thatfor me to rant and rave about whatever.... not going to say our relationships is 100% horrible, because its not... just missing that extra quality that was once there, and all of a sudden just dissapeared.. and it was supposedly because of my attitude. (since I have a quick tempter, getting better now)

Like I have said, I am ok without the sex.. fine... I can live with taht.. my hand has been doing a good job for half my life... I think I can go back to it again without an issue, not like I am missing that much...in a sense... its the simple things of hand holding, random kisses, hugs, running fingers through hair, and such is what I want...

[Touchofinsight]

The main issue here is your two are just incompatible in terms of intimacy. Shes not willing to provide that for you because she doesn't enjoy those kinds of activitys.. Why she did in the beginning I can't say. However its up to you now to make the decision what is better, not having the physical intimacy and continuing on the relationship as is or ending the relationship and moving on.

I say the latter because you don't have to settle for less then you want/feel you deserve. It just can't be with her. You can find other people who are more compatible with you and while those relationships will certainly have their own issues it'll be up to you and the new partners to solve them together.

Best of luck

Touch!

[Sally]

When she says "That's not me, I don't do that", believe her. The little signs of affection you need (besides the sex) don't come naturally to some people, and they really can't be forced.

As another poster above said, you need to decide for yourself what you can and can't live with. You aren't going to change; she isn't going to change.

[Chardog]

Yes, relationships change over time, but you have to keep putting effort into meeting the needs of your partner in some level or decide you're incompatible and call it quits. That has nothing to do with being asexual.

It seems like after the beginning of a relationship, your gf thinks she can stop being romantic and get in with "real life". That is essentially a bait and switch, because it seems like she did what she had to to land you and then didnt think she would be expected to continue being the same person. This isn't fair to you and if that's the only answer she can come up with, then you may need to consider if you can continue to go without the affection or if that is a key need for you that you have to find with someone else.

[twix]

You said yourself that you skipped a few steps at the beginning of your relationship. l You two immediately moved in together. She tried to give you what you wanted, but you assumed she really wanted the same. From her remarks in your posts, she is feeling like a "do-er" not a person in the current state of the relationship.

Maybe taking a few steps back. Try to find out what gives her pleasure on a non-sexual basis.

Even with your schedule try to pick up more of the chores. Maybe bring some flowers home just to brighten up the place. Give her room in the area of physical contact. Who knows, she might be going through doubts of her sexual identity.

Just some thoughts. Good luck.

[pinkroses]

I think this might not be asexually related. People don't normally do a 180 even if they are sexuals. I hope things turn out alirght whatever that might be.

[flesh-pocket]

just want to clarify real quick- when i said that she didn't appear to be trying to meet your needs i didn't mean sexually, just romantically. if you have talked to her about initiating regular non-sexual affection, or making time to go do something fun together like hiking, and she is saying no to those things and not putting any effort to change to better her relationship with you, i dont think she will change. from what youve said about her, she seems to think that all that relationshipy stuff is meant for the honeymoon phase and past that initial high no one bothers with it anymore. perhaps she is aromantic, but if that means she is unable to have a fulfilling relationship with you, you are by no means obligated to "make it work" and sacrifice your own contentment.

maybe if you can really get her to understand that if things stay as they are- you will end up feeling like you have a roommate that stops you from dating, then maybe she will try. or maybe she will want to break it off. i cant say for sure, i dont know either of you. but at this point its not about sex or even whether or not she is asexual. if you dont want to have a one sided romantic relationship for the next 30 years, then you should try to resolve this one soon.