Do People Really Get Discriminated Against For Being Asexual?

[deleted_account]

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[imgone]

^*hugs*

Sorry to hear that. That sucks. I hope you feel better, soon.

Never had anything quite like that, but it is so shitty when people don't believe you. It's even worse than not understanding, when they don't make any sort of effort and tell you more or less that it's in your head, that you're just immature, etc., etc..

[Guest]

I feel like the general consensus is that I'm being a "wuss", since there was no penetration, or that my actions are racist somehow, or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Don't listen to that crap. You were indeed assaulted. The fact that there are "worse forms" of assault does not change that. And the responsibility for it lies with that guy, not with you. End of story.

Hope you'll feel better soon.

[kordova]

I've never really felt discriminated against specifically but there have been several instances of people being shocked that not wanting to have sex is a REAL THING. One girl followed up her disbelief with why sex is so good for her which I really did not want to hear... they always try to justify their sexual activity!

Telling people I'm ace is just annoying and embarrassing and I feel like people don't take it seriously at all...

[Totally Schwuaat?]

I've never really felt discriminated against specifically but there have been several instances of people being shocked that not wanting to have sex is a REAL THING. One girl followed up her disbelief with why sex is so good for her which I really did not want to hear... they always try to justify their sexual activity!

Telling people I'm ace is just annoying and embarrassing and I feel like people don't take it seriously at all...

I'd like to be able to link to a study or something, but I remember reading in a psychology journal about the fact that people often have to validate there sexual experiences with others. That it isn't the sex they like necessarily, it is the fact that other people perceive they are having lots and lots of sex that makes them all giddy inside.

It seems, in my experience, that the same people who must brag about how much sex they have are also the ones who constantly post reaffirming sentiments regarding said relationships through social media. It's kind of like they aren't in a relationship with another person, so much as they are in a relationship with the idea that they are in a relationship that is disproportionately more successful than it actually is. And somehow, I'm the immature one etc. etc.

[seneca]

When I was in the Navy (the Uber Macho Reagan 80's) I got a lot of flack and bullying from my shipmates,because I wasn't out partying and screwing women all the time. It made things difficult .

[FinallyReadyToBeHere]

I've never faced discrimination based on my asexuality or my perceived homosexuality (in fact, I got a lot of girls who were cool with me because they saw that there was no prospect of me ever stealing their boyfriends and I think it had to do with the fact that they thought I was a lesbian, unfortunately).

My state of asexuality somehow seems normal. Then again, I live in the Midwest, I am Catholic, and I am a woman-- therefore, I somehow portray the ideal woman that you can't seem to find anymore. You know, the good girl who loves Jesus and is waiting to lose her virginity on her wedding day.

I've never been labeled "cold" or "heartless", though, mainly because I am very open and I am very friendly. I think something that might be saving me those labels or even preventing me from having those labels put on me would be the fact that I am Catholic-- I think people are also assuming I might turn out to be a nun. Nuns are technically very kind and charitable people; they are the "brides of Christ" and must remain celibate. However, I have been told by some people that I would make someone a good wife or I would make my husband the happiest man in the world or that I would be married to a rich man (ha!).

Also, because I am heteromantic, I don't experience discrimination based on the sole fact that I am "normal". I am one of those weird asexuals who doesn't think that she fits into the LGBTQ spectrum because she is still heteronormative (does anyone think differently? If so, why?).

[Itamiyumi]

This thread brings up a lot of really good points. The main one being that there are multiple methods and levels of discrimination. I have a co worker who just can't believe that I'm Ace and not wanting to date at all. I guess I still sort of identify as hetero romantic on the sole purpose that I love the idea of romance and being with "the one."

I've been trying to tell her that I don't need to be in a relationship like that, but she just can't believe it. I guess it might be because I'm open and friendly with most people. I also automatically try to find common ground with anyone that I interact with. However I don't need to be in a romantic relationship.

I have many friends who I can call or visit if I need to talk. I have parents who are very supportive and if I suddenly lost everything, they would take me in without question. I make enough money to live on my own and pay my own bills. I don't need another person to "complete me" as most romantic stories would say.

However, that being said, online it is easy to find others bashing Asexuality (unfortunately, they use Christianity to do so.) I was so infuriated to see this Baptist minister take the very same verses that I've used to identify that this is not something new, and twist them. Apparently, when Paul said that it is better for a man to not marry, it literally meant a man, not a woman. That only men are given the ability to refuse to marry as long as they control their desires.

The worst part was the comments though. There were a few who got accounts just to refute the guy and that's when it got really nasty. Someone mentioned "Corrective Rape" as a method to "cure" us. I couldn't help but think "I already don't want to have sex. There is no way a religious zealot raping me would change that."

That article alone made me very leery to being truly and completely open about it to others. I don't know if asexual's are getting discriminated with to that level all the time, but the fact that there are others who would even suggest it means that there are probably people who will try it and justify it using their religion.

[Ziggy_G]

Mostly its the questions I have to deal with, explaining what I feel in every possible situation, being asked what I have and haven't done, people trying to find there own conclusions. Then theres the fact that every single guy thinks its just a phase and try to be nice about it til I get over it and either go lesbian or get back to 'normal'. :/ thanks guys.

I have had people react hurtfully but most ppl are nice about it. I actually think the fear of telling them is worst then the reception. That said I'm too scared to tell my housemates even though I know they'll react positively.

[shnazzy214]

I've been really lucky so far in terms of the people I've come out to, and hugs for all the people on this thread who have had such bad experiences. Most people were genuinely curious what it meant to be asexual because there aren't that many of us out and willing to talk about it. There were a few people who were skeptical about asexuality, and how I could be asexual and still have sex or want to be in a relationship, but they were pretty receptive to my answers and my explanation that the way I think about sex is just different from them.

I'm still not out to my family because I'm unsure how to bring it up, and the one time I brought up asexuality in general they didn't believe it existed. I'm scared that they'll reject my sexuality (or lack thereof), and that could be a type of discrimination (and it seems to be the most common type according to the other responders).

[dygrox]

I think that the discrimination that aces face is probably because of how few characters are asexual in films/TV series and some of those have things that their asexuality is attributed like being a sociopath (Shelock) or a serial killer (Dexter) or there more minor characters.

I got a few hurtful comments after coming out: late bloomer, doesn't exist and straight up laughter

[skymessenger]

We wouldn't need to be under the minority protection law of New York State if asexuals weren't discriminated against (a law that EVERY state and country should have, really).

There are people who cannot accept anything that is not "normal" in society.

[Theoryal]

While some of the more extreme discrimination may be less common, I certainly feel like people who aren't interested in sex get persecuted in a lot of ways that are still very emotionally damaging and socially alienating. As others here have pointed out it seems like sexual people often take the mere mention of not sharing their interest in sex as an attack and feel the need to strongly defend their own orientation often unfortunately by disparaging those who don't share it. This is a common reaction with all kinds of values and beliefs, and sometimes asexuals do the same thing. But that doesn't justify the needless criticism and harassment we often receive when we dare to mention how we personally feel about sex without actually making any kind of judgement against others.

People's insistence that you need to be 'fixed' if you're not sexually attracted to people is very hurtful and frustrating. The assumption that you can't possibly understand romantic relationships or want companionship and must be a cold-hearted loner who doesn't like to have any fun is also hurtful and frustrating. People's insistence on seeing an asexual person as morally arrogant and judgemental of others for assumed religious reasons, when in fact they may be a very kind and accepting person who isn't actually religious, 'goody-goody' or ascetic, can be hurtful and frustrating.

The negative picture popular culture paints of people who don't engage in sex (let alone those who aren't even interested) can be quite damaging emotionally and socially. People who aren't enticed by and eager to find sex are frequently given a clear message that they are not okay and that they have no place in society, that their views and preferences don't need to be respected, that they are somehow less human or less important. Even when these statements are not made directly, it's so often implied - for example, so often in movies 'finally' getting a sexual/romantic partner is used as a sign of someone maturing or confirmation that they have done something amazing and are awesome people - what about a hero who doesn't want to 'get the girl?' To me it definitely feels like discrimination or persecution, and though I wouldn't expect media to cater to a small minority all the time, I would appreciate more respect, rather than frequent implications that life without sex is 'lame' and that people who don't want or seek it are to be mistrusted because they have psychological issues or that they are simply boring and not really 'living' life. Asexual people should not feel pressured into trying to be sexual, but that seems to be the case quite often. Cruel words and attitudes are not okay just because they aren't physical attacks.

Due to people's reactions towards me (and others who don't show interest in sex) even without openly telling people that I'm asexual, has lead me to be afraid to actually say so because I don't want even more of the assumptions that I'm psychologically ill or that I'm too immature to be respected as a peer in their social circle.

[TwiddleBear]

I found this study,

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/without-prejudice/201209/prejudice-against-group-x-asexuals

It showed that participants (including homosexuals as well as heterosexuals) were strongly biased against asexuals and "... expressed more negative attitudes toward asexuals (i.e., prejudice); (b) desired less contact with asexuals; and © were less willing to rent an apartment to (or hire) an asexual applicant"

It also mentions them being dehumanized by the participants. Obviously, this is only one study . Hopefully there will be more studies about asexuality and the possible discrimination they face.

[littlepersonparadox]

Some discrimination can come from places of "love" too Friend of mine when i came out while discussing why i was haveing issues with my at the time boyfriend concerning my lack of desire and his well sex addiction/high libedo and desire for kids (we were in collage why was kids even coming up anyway?) And she responded by "Maybe you should go see a doctor and get your hormones checked." Yea it's just words but the implications that it can't be something normal and must be abnormal isn't plesent to hear, espically being forced into there normative views of what a relationship involving sex should look like. next time we saw each other she asked if i got my "Problem fixed" followed by "I have sympathy for asexuals they won't ever know what real love is like" Again all pointing to the idea is that were something lower then them even though they think there sediments are not hurtful but positive.

Another thing is a simple comment on behalf of one person can cause a domino effect in the mind of the receive negative things have a habit of running around in person's mind like a bad recording on repeat. It can affect a personal image of someone has of themselves.

Also worth noting that people thing stuff like viagra would cure us. I know a fellow ace who's drink was spiked with it at a party by a friend because he thought it would "fix" him. Arual and sexual attraction are 2 separate things and more over if you have heart issues Viagra can cause complications.

[R.Million]

There was one "friend" who I came out to because he wouldn't stop pestering me to try getting in my pants. His responces made me feel pretty belittled. First there was "Oh no! Why would you do that! Your ass is so hot it needs to be loved long and hard, you're depriving the world!" Then there was the "might not want to go telling people that, its not natural" then there was, "So there isn't anyone you want to have sex with? No one? But you don't hate sex? Great! Lets have some fun, since I'm just as good as everyone else and I can change you back to a freak like you should be!" I don't talk to him much anymore...

[RK800]

Well I did hear about an asexual couple who wanted to adopt a child being turned down because "They could have their own". I've also heard about some being turned down for jobs because apparently asexual=psychopath.

[Whispearl]

Generally speaking, I wouldn't really call it discrimination so much as marginalization. There are obviously a few isolated cases in which discrimination would fit best, which have been described here already, but in the general sense, I wouldn't consider the actions taken against us to be very discriminatory.

[whitesphere]

I'm fortunate that I haven't experienced any overt discrimination. My best friend is the one who TOLD me I'm asexual and for a while she was more OK with it than me. However, I'm also childfree so many people probably assumed "Well, he's not with anyone because he doesn't want kids."

I wouldn't be surprised if my mom were asexual and aromantic, since she has never really wanted to go on dates. So she really hasn't pushed me hard at all on the "What about having kids someday?" or even on the "Why don't you have a partner?"

At work, well, I treat co-workers as co-workers. I do NOT talk about my sexuality or really anything deeply private there. The way I look at it, it's a functional relationship and should stay that way. I don't go to many parties (a Christmas one is kind of required) and keep my social distance on the most part.

But I have heard of less fortunate asexuals, probably mostly female, who have experienced the horror of "corrective" rape. There aren't non-obscene words in the English language to describe how I feel about THAT. Justifying a horrible, traumatic act is villiany.

In all of my novels, the villains are those who have "good reasons" for the horrible actions they take since I feel that's far more realistic than people who are just evil For The Evulz.

*condolence hugs* for those of you who have been treated like outsiders for being yourselves.

[hdfskjfsdshdsajfhaksd]

I wouldn't really call it discrimination, just an inability/unwillingness to be able to understand it. A lot of people don't take it seriously, and see it as a joke, or something that's not real. And it's incredibly frustrating.

I'm not saying people aren't prejudiced against it, it's just that I don't think it's widespread enough to garner a bunch of hate. Just intolerance, mostly, for lack of a better word.

[Aranea]

The confusion/lack of knowledge re: asexuality is what gets me in trouble. People think I need to find the right person, for example, or "how would you know if you've never tried it." I usually counter with asking them if they want to try heroin, and when they say no I ask how they know that if they've never tried it. A few fallacies, but it shuts them up.

Then, it's the exhausting over-sexualisation of society. People constantly commenting on how hot someone is, or articles/movies/tv/anything revolving around straight sex. As a woman, the demand to be chaste and sexual simultaneously is tiring. I'm called frigid and a nun, or too picky.

I agree with a previous post about not knowing and the sense of feeling broken and alone. Perhaps that's not discrimination, or at least anything intentional, but the isolation associated with being different is harmful nonetheless.

[(A) & A]

Back in high school, before I actually understood my asexuality, I got my share of homophobic slurs thrown my way and even some sexual harassment. (Having my backside groped by someone and getting told "you like that, don't you <slur>", crap like that.)

Since I "came out", I've gotten my share of people telling me I just haven't met the right person or that sort of thing. No real discrimination, I suppose. Just a lack of misunderstanding. Most of the time, people seem shocked when they find out. Apparently, I'm the last person anyone expects to be asexual.

[Jotari]

The confusion/lack of knowledge re: asexuality is what gets me in trouble. People think I need to find the right person, for example, or "how would you know if you've never tried it." I usually counter with asking them if they want to try heroin, and when they say no I ask how they know that if they've never tried it. A few fallacies, but it shuts them up.

Then, it's the exhausting over-sexualisation of society. People constantly commenting on how hot someone is, or articles/movies/tv/anything revolving around straight sex. As a woman, the demand to be chaste and sexual simultaneously is tiring. I'm called frigid and a nun, or too picky.

I agree with a previous post about not knowing and the sense of feeling broken and alone. Perhaps that's not discrimination, or at least anything intentional, but the isolation associated with being different is harmful nonetheless.

I don't think heroin would be a good comparison. I think people are generally aware that heroin and other such drugs are amazing. They just have they just have a biproduct of controlling and ruining one's life. Which makes it more a case of "I don't try it because that shit is dangerous" more so than "I don't try it because I don't think I'd like it."

[LadyPariah]

I've never been outwardly discriminated against so far. I'm pretty open being gray-ace, so I have had people deny to even interact with me because of it. It's like "hey, we could have been okay friends, but then you chose to be an asshole about it." I had a guy hit on me, text me and try to coax me into seeing him. I didn't acknowledge his advances, so now he hates asexuals. I am kind of scared to go back on campus because pretty much everyone knows I'm at least partly asexual now. I had a guy tell me "It's just because they are ugly and can't dates, so they cope with it by calling themselves asexual." I made that idiot eat his words, because people genuinely find me "hot" or gorgeous, and I still identify as asexual. I've had people tell me that I "just need a good lay," which worries me, because these people may try to force me. That may work in some twisted sick porno, but in the real world, it's rape.

[mayadee]

I've occasionally seen reference to asexual discrimination and frankly it's something that I find hard to wrap my head around. While not condoneable, most forms of discrimination are at least some what understandable. There's some form of logic to be followed even if it is flawed. But someone being insulted or discriminating asexuals is genuinely getting upset about nothing. And not nothing as in it's not important but literally nothing. As in the absence of something. Someone getting upset by literally nothing is so baffling to me that I can't help but think talk about asexual discrimination is more melodrama than malicious intent or discrimination for being asexual is really just a vehicle for some other personal issue someone might have.

So am I wrong? Are there others out there who genuinely hate people over the absence of something? I'm an ace myself and I've seen plenty of people who just don't understand asexuality or believe it exists. People who could unintentionally insult, but intentionally and maliciously insulting asxeuals is something I've never seen. Am I just one of the lucky ones? Or is it a lot of people making a fuss over inconsiderate words? Please, share your thoughts, experiences and opinions.

Happened to me just awhile ago, a male person in a group for asexuality said I am asexual and because I am asexual I am also Weird.

As of this moment, I'm still hurting :( It took so much guts to admit and come out in the open ...to strangers) and that is just one of the negative responses...there were others that are equally hurtful. Another person accused me of being homosexual and not really asexual, he said because masturbating is equal to homosexuality. Now I'm thinking, if I have elicited so much hate from others by coming out as an asexual...how much more will my Narcissistic husband react if I tell him?! ----------ARE WE REALLY THAT REPULSIVE??? :(( why do they hate my asexuality? Is it my fault that that I am a solosexual romantic asexual JUST A PINCH AWAY FROM BEING A TOTAL NONLIBIDOIST!!?? FUCK!!! PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID!!!

[Snowberry]

I know it's a dead topic but I found it on google and felt like I needed to reply to it.

There's always going to be discrimination from someone towards something, no matter what it is, even if it's discrimination towards discrimination itself. On that note, if it's being discriminated against, it most certainly exists.

I myself am a strange type of asexual.

Heck, even aromantic has a definition based relatively on perspective. Most people might say that it means a lack of romantic feelings towards another person, but what is a romantic feeling really? How does one actually define romance? I've never fully understood that word. It doesn't have any meaning to me. I simply don't get it. Am I engaged? Sure I am. To a very beautiful person who happens to be a woman. Am I romantically attracted to her? Like I said I don't know what that word means. What I do know is that she makes me a very happy person when she simply talks to me. We do everything together. We play video games together, we talk playful crap to each other. We like most of the same foods, especially ramen... Omg ramen... *drools*... Anyways perhaps that is indeed romance. I couldn't tell you. I can tell you she's my other half. She makes me feel alive. She makes me feel important. Useful. Even a little insignificant. I like it very much.

Am I sexually attracted to her? Well this is where it gets complicated. I do have sexual needs, as any human does. That's natural. That doesn't mean people are not asexual. asexuality has been defined as not being sexually attracted to other people, gender irrelevant. Would I have sexual intercourse with her? Of course. We have a deep connection. She makes me happy and I want to make her happy as well. Whether it be for procreation or simply the activity itself. I couldn't tell you. She's most certainly the first person I've had any type of feelings towards.

My point is (while I might not be defined as asexual by others) I identify as asexual simply because I'm not sexually attracted to other people.

With all that confusion being said, let me give you some actual logical advice. You know that saying "sticks and stones"? Well it really does apply to life.

It makes no difference how other people feel about you. Personally I've always thought it better to let people learn on their own rather than telling them the answers to everything. You're not waking up every morning next to them. you're not supporting them financially or emotionally. Their lives have no bearing on your own. In the same way I've always considered laws to be irrelevant to life as well. People should always defend their beliefs, but only if it also defends yourself physically. For example If person A hates person B for being gay, person A might call Person B a faggot. Person B lets it go because it's just not important but if Person A tries to harm Person B for being gay, person B should kill Person A. Now, legally speaking if Person A tried to kill person B, killing Person A would be self defense, but if person A only tried to harm person B, killing person A would result in imprisonment or other harsh actions.

I say this to make a point. Person B can simply choose not to let Person A not have any effect on their life, but should still always be confident in they are and hold themselves up proudly.

If Person B does not know or understand who they are, they're still free to choose who they want to be. Choice is the only true freedom and only true ability any sentient species has. We can make our own decisions. It's that simple. If I hadn't met my fiancee I wouldn't have even bothered to think about such things. I'd still be in my room watching cartoons and going to work everyday just because. I CHOOSE to be attracted to her.

Maybe nothing I have said yet makes any real sense to anyone here and there's probably a great possibility that many, if not all of you, will even disagree with me. I'm perfectly fine with that. It all makes sense to me and that's all I care about. That... is my point.

[Wiseja1987]

Discrimination, mistreatment, harassment, and marginalization all have distinct meanings, but they can also all run together. Assault, or the threat of assault, sadly is way too common for women who out themselves as Ace (not that this never happens to men). We live in a culture that in a lot of ways still doesn't recognize female sexuality as something that belongs exclusively to the individual woman. Especially if you live in a culture where producing children is considered your "duty". That seems worse to me, because women there are both desexualized and expected to sexually preform. Being Ace in that culture is often seen as some type of betrayal to your family or community. On the other hand, asexual men risk real violence because of the misconception that they're homosexual. The highest risk seems to be for young people in high school/college, or otherwise homogeneous sub-cultures (I think the military was mentioned by someone)I do think things are slowly changing for the better, but very slowly.

This is one reason I'm determined to be open about my asexuality. I'm not going to pretend I don't exist just so some asshole can feel more satisfied with themselves.

[Sisky]

I've been told I'm not normal because everyone has sex and a relationship without sex is impossible (and sex in that context meant PIV intercourse). That was a one time incident though. I have a feeling "general" sexual expectations aren't quite as out of hand over here.

[Ace of Amethysts]

I`m pretty openly asexual, but I still face a lot of unintentional discrimination and erasure. I`ve posted about this somewhere before, but I was at a family gathering a couple weeks ago and everyone there except for my dad (who I was out as ace to :D ) immediately assumed I was heteroromantic and heterosexual. -_- In hindsight I should`ve come out to everyone as ace right there. :(

[doggalogga]

I have had people that deny the existence of asexuality. They say that aces should get their testosterone levels tested, that they're messed in the head, and that they're just sexually repressed.

It pisses me off to no end, but that's fine.

The only issue I have is that people think it's outright wrong. Well, I can't help what I am. So sorry.

That is why I don't share it with anybody bar a couple of people - most lack the sensitivity, and are too dependent on sex themselves to understand that I don't need it nor want it.