Do People Really Get Discriminated Against For Being Asexual?

[Jotari]

I've occasionally seen reference to asexual discrimination and frankly it's something that I find hard to wrap my head around. While not condoneable, most forms of discrimination are at least some what understandable. There's some form of logic to be followed even if it is flawed. But someone being insulted or discriminating asexuals is genuinely getting upset about nothing. And not nothing as in it's not important but literally nothing. As in the absence of something. Someone getting upset by literally nothing is so baffling to me that I can't help but think talk about asexual discrimination is more melodrama than malicious intent or discrimination for being asexual is really just a vehicle for some other personal issue someone might have.

So am I wrong? Are there others out there who genuinely hate people over the absence of something? I'm an ace myself and I've seen plenty of people who just don't understand asexuality or believe it exists. People who could unintentionally insult, but intentionally and maliciously insulting asxeuals is something I've never seen. Am I just one of the lucky ones? Or is it a lot of people making a fuss over inconsiderate words? Please, share your thoughts, experiences and opinions.

[wyrdwyrm]

It's weird that it happens, yes, but it can. The why is harder to fathom.

With parents, it's sometimes seen that they did something wrong, like you're insulting their parenting. It also gets wrapped in the fact that an asexual might be more likely to not have children, so it's the end of the lineage.

Or they see it as a problem that they have a duty to fix.

With non-family it's weirder, like by telling them you're different, you're suddenly abnormal or freakish, and out of their realm of understanding. Some people are afraid of that, I guess.

It's been interpreted as a way to be "special", or a way to be 'better' or 'purer' than sexually active people, and suddenly their own choices need defending to not seem promiscuous.

It's also seen as an 'excuse' to turn down sex or friendzone someone, and suddenly their sexual ego is on the line.

Really, anger often comes out when people think they need to defend their own behavior or actions, and I think that's where a lot of the negative reactions come from.

[defaultuser]

You said it yourself - a lot of people like to make a fuss over inconsiderate words. I know certain amount of respected people who never got children or family, they are probably aces, just never heard of this word. I came to same conclusion, words are making people bloodlusted, not aces, mask it with something else, and the rage is gone. It's like a very bad association with asexual words. But, that's just my opinion.

[H@wkeye]

Your assumptions aren't unfounded. The majority of what we call asexual discrimination is simply rooted in lack of awareness; a lifetime in a culture where there is no room for natural lack of sexuality, or just generally being rude. Typically it's just plant jokes or general disbelief--we all get plenty of that. No big deal.

Look up "asexual bingo" if you want an idea--a lot of aces get harassed because people simply can't wrap their minds around the idea that their view of sexuality is wrong. Therefore the asexuals are wrong, and must be proven wrong to reestablish their sense of self-assurance. Aces must be "damaged" or "crazy" or "immature and self righteous." Still just words, but words reflect culture.

However, there are serious and violent forms of discrimination towards asexual people, especially sex-repulsed or disinterested people. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are very common, but they are not isolated.

It all basically comes down to the fact that people don't like to be told they are wrong, and tend to lash out towards things they perceive as threats.

[Gizamaluke]

There's different forms of discrimination. Certain asexuals, especially those with Aspergers or similar conditions, tend not to understand social situations and can be discriminated against, or left out, out of misunderstanding.

People often talk about the 'asexual vibe' this strange aura that asexuals seem to give off that tells people that they don't want to be bothered, aren't interested or simply don't care. People often remark this about me, even though I don't have Aspergers, I can be distant, cold and off-putting, even though I'm often in a great mood.

[eched]

Discrimination isn't always people screaming out 'you're horrible! You're a crime against God!'

Sometimes it's what we are, talked about so little we next to not exist. All day if you are aromantic you see romance pushed in your face, and you just don't fully relate to it. All day if you are asexual the same goes for sex. There's no ace character in Hollywood land saying, ya, nothing wrong with that, and you just have nothing to lean on.

I would say if you are an asexual and you don't KNOW you're an asexual then you are in a pretty bad spot. You can feel isolated and alone, but you don't know why and it can start to eat away at you if it goes on long enough. I was 27 before I realized what I was, it ate away at me.

There's not a lot of good examples of discrimination because there's not a lot of examples of us period. That's really all there is to it, but being ignored is still bad.

But, at least we still got this place and we are really starting to spread the good word. Cross-Orientation has it even worse in the ignored department. Poor guys. :(

[butterflydreams]

I would say if you are an asexual and you don't KNOW you're an asexual then you are in a pretty bad spot. You can feel isolated and alone, but you don't know why and it can start to eat away at you if it goes on long enough. I was 27 before I realized what I was, it ate away at me.

Bingo.

I personally just kept trying, and beating myself up for failing every single time. Like it was my fault. Never did it occur to me that I might not be feeling the same things or in the same way as my peers. I was skipping steps, forcing myself into positions x, y, and z, and obviously struggling. Then feeling isolated, alone, confused. 10 years. For 10 years I did that. Maybe that's not discrimination, but it certainly led to it. I was sexually harassed a few times in high school, and put into extremely difficult, awkward, and painful situations in college. All because I simply didn't know.

[Guest]

It's the constant discrediting of asexuality that's frustrating for me. "you're just depressed" "you need to see a doctor something must be wrong with you if you get horny but don't enjoy sex" "you just haven't met the right person" "you aren't getting relaxed enough before sex" "you just haven't been with someone who is actually good at sex" "you must have been abused as a child" "have you been checked for STI's because maybe you have picked up something that is making you not enjoy sex" "you need to practice tantric sex and the Kama Sutra, these will help you find new and deeper meaning in sex" "you need to keep practising because it takes a while to get used to it just like riding a bike" (a doctor actually told me the last one haha) "you can't be asexual because sex us a biological need, at some point in your life you will want sex" .. just on and on and on with the excuses and reasons why someone isn't asexual and why asexuality doesn't exist. it's so tiring! *grumpy face*

[House of Chimeras]

The most common issue asexuals face is people thinking it doesn't exist, etc However there are cases where people have really gone after someone (for an extreme example assaulted someone) because they are asexual.

I am a victim of sexual assault with someone trying to turn to be straight by someone who could not stand the fact I was asexual.

[SithLord]

I've never been discriminated again, but the prejudice is there. I've been chewed out by a few idiots on the internet for this an other reasons. But anonymous idiots will be idiots. It's in person that I'm most afraid of. It's the biggest reason I'm not publically out.

[SithLord]

There's no ace character in Hollywood land saying, ya, nothing wrong with that, and you just have nothing to lean on.

Isn't the main eunuch in Game of Thrones, Varys, asexual? They never say it outright but I believe he did say that his ambitions were always more important than women to him.

[Scifiknitwit]

I would say if you are an asexual and you don't KNOW you're an asexual then you are in a pretty bad spot. You can feel isolated and alone, but you don't know why and it can start to eat away at you if it goes on long enough. I was 27 before I realized what I was, it ate away at me.

Bingo.

I personally just kept trying, and beating myself up for failing every single time. Like it was my fault. Never did it occur to me that I might not be feeling the same things or in the same way as my peers. I was skipping steps, forcing myself into positions x, y, and z, and obviously struggling. Then feeling isolated, alone, confused. 10 years. For 10 years I did that. Maybe that's not discrimination, but it certainly led to it. I was sexually harassed a few times in high school, and put into extremely difficult, awkward, and painful situations in college. All because I simply didn't know.

I was 29 before I figured out i was an aromantic asexual. It was awful all those years not understanding myself and thinking I was broken. As for discrimination since coming out, I haven't experienced a lot of it, but it definitely happens. There's the typical ignorant responses that I think most aces (and aros) have heard. But I have also not been invited to events and told that there wasn't a point since I wasn't looking for sex. (Seriously, is that the only reason people go out or throw a party? What about just being friends?) Not an extreme case of discrimination, but it still hurt. I've also been told that I need to see a doctor and get my hormones checked. My sister refuses to acknowledge that asexuals are real and is constantly sending me information on therapists. Again, nothing really awful, but I feel completely invalidated by her, like my opinion or self-awareness is wrong because she doesn't understand.

[Guest]

There's no ace character in Hollywood land saying, ya, nothing wrong with that, and you just have nothing to lean on.

Isn't the main eunuch in Game of Thrones, Varys, asexual? They never say it outright but I believe he did say that his ambitions were always more important than women to him.

In the books, no. In the series, he does mention he was never attracted, even before being cut. There is also Sirens (USA network show) with the character Voodoo (who outright calls herself asexual). And a few soaps. Also, some books/comics.

[twix]

I got painted the "gay" brush and lost a job because I didn't want "to go camping" either lesbian lover of my bi-sexual boss.

I don't think we have gone through the medical/psychological cycle yet. These communities want to be our heroes and cure us. Just like the LBGT history.

Our society is over-sexed. There just can't be people who are asexual. You mean that not everyone loves sex. We just can't have that.

We are just not advisable enough. A celebate is a monk or a nun, not a regular person.

Well, I am a regular person who just happens to be asexual. Asexual pride!

[imgone]

Just... Lots and lots of erasure? Well-meaning people who don't believe you no matter what?

Also there's the entire thing with asexuals being excluded from "queer spaces" more or less because they don't experience the same levels of discrimination. Which yeah, is discrimination. (Do not personally label myself as queer but I think the community should be open to aces that do.)

[Guest]

There's no ace character in Hollywood land saying, ya, nothing wrong with that, and you just have nothing to lean on.

Isn't the main eunuch in Game of Thrones, Varys, asexual? They never say it outright but I believe he did say that his ambitions were always more important than women to him.

In the books, no. In the series, he does mention he was never attracted, even before being cut. There is also Sirens (USA network show) with the character Voodoo (who outright calls herself asexual). And a few soaps. Also, some books/comics.

Yes he was also 9 at the time he was cut (in the series) .. not many people experience sexual attraction at that age. The series is all over the place anyway. In season 1 Littlefinger makes it pretty clear that Varys has a thing for little boys, and Varys certainly doesn't deny it. The people making that show can't even stick to using one actor for one character, let alone stick to their own made-up storylines (made-up as in didn't happen in the books). sorry for totally off topic comment :o

[wyrdwyrm]

(brief *hugs* to all that have had rotten experiences!)

[savingwonderwall]

Idk that it qualifies as discrimination, but I have expressly been told that I have been left out of groups/excluded from activities (with bi, hetero, and homo friends) because the fact that I wasn't interested in sex was off putting and made me boring. I have also apparently been the source of gossip from even close friends on whether I was lesbian or just not interested in anyone (including frequent attempts to get me to go to a strip club :/ or to buy sex toys). I'm a borderline ace demi (have had romantic attractions, but have only once been sexually attracted), and I guess I thought I had learns to cover it better (taught myself to use terms like "hot" in order to fit in, and was deeply curious about sex in an academic "what is this weird thing? I must study it!" way, so I know a lot about it in theory...more a lot or my sexual friends of any orientation.

I also have felt very left out of LGBQT groups, as they tend to be sex-obsessed in my experience... Actually some of the more vicious and condescending comments I have ever heard are from those groups. Maybe it's just a college-grad school thing, but there is a reason I won't join my current grad school's group.

Also, not me, but one of my best friends is also ace, and she had ugly, ugly shit go down with a bf, almost all related to the ace part of who she is.

[Jotari]

Awareness of existence really seems to be the key. Which is why I think it's great something like AVEN is a visibility network not "Ace Pride, we're awesome" (because we totally are, we just don't need to be told it). Though I think the first response had some good points as to why some people would logically feel threatened or undermined.

[Philip027]

Someone getting upset by literally nothing is so baffling to me that I can't help but think talk about asexual discrimination is more melodrama than malicious intent or discrimination for being asexual is really just a vehicle for some other personal issue someone might have.

The things people get up in arms about might surprise you. There's some good reasons why I am just about completely disillusioned with society.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I cannot imagine asexuals are being denied jobs, promotions, housing, public services, etc. Those would amount to discrimination.

I can, however, see that asexuals are subject to mistreatment if they disclose their orientation to others. I, for one, never discuss my asexuality at the workplace. No one there needs to know anything beyond, "I am not a relationship person." Even that got me branded a man-whore by a woman who could not conceive that that meant anything but that.

On the other hand, I am very open with my asexuality in my personal life. I like people to know where I am coming from early so I can consider them supportive or unsupportive. Most people still try to dig for an issue or pathologize asexuality as something being wrong, but when I stand strong and confident, they know it is real and not a bad thing.

In the workplace, I could see how people teasing or harassing an asexual because of his/her asexuality COULD be discriminatory harassment if your state or workplace policy prohibits harassment based on sexual orientation, and that is a big IF.

[Zash]

In one of the asexual problems thread, this was posted:

Another one from the LGBT "exclusive" community:

"True asexuality is the result of trauma or chemical imbalances. asexuality is more like no one chooses to have sex with your ugly fat-assed slovenly self. So instead of calling yourself a loser and a future pathetic old cat lady, you’ve gotten this bright idea of being ace/aro. Nah. You’re not a special snowflake. You just can’t get laid, sweetie."

That strikes of discrimination to me.

[SorryNotSorry]

Discrimination can take the form of social ostracism, and often does.

There's also the palpable feeling of implicit dislike (others disapproving of your asexuality without saying it) in the form of rudeness, dirty looks, etc etc.

[Certified Cake Decorator]

Wasnt there a couple that was denied the ability to adopt a child because they were asexual and therefore "unfit to raise a child"?

I feel like i learned that on here...

[Sally]

That was not the real situation (things get changed as they're repeated), but you did read it on AVEN. It was a private religious organization, not a governmental organization, that handled adoptions, and therefore the organization could say yes or no however they felt was religiously correct. Religious organizations don't usually permit adoptions to single persons either.

[jksummer]

I would say that it is more on a personal level than anything else, at least in my experience. Mostly in being excluded or otherwise left out. For example, not so much a workplace problem, at least in getting hired - but in the way that coworkers deal with you, as in not sharing some useful information, or not backing you up. I've been fortunate in not having to face the more drastic forms (violence) that some do.

[Rising Sun]

At school, I experienced homophobia, although I never was a lesbian, but if you don't like the opposite sex, you must be gay of course !

Some people even seem to think that asexuals don't have feelings and then aren't quite human, some kind of insensitive machines...

[defaultuser]

At school, I experienced homophobia, although I never was a lesbian, but if you don't like the opposite sex, you must be gay of course !

Some people even seem to think that asexuals don't have feelings and then aren't quite human, some kind of insensitive machines...

Sounds like a compliment :D I wish more asexuals were like this.

[Totally Schwuaat?]

I've certainly found being referred to as a cold individual as being rather insulting. It's like, "I'm sorry that I don't inexplicably get an erection due to the fact that I'm surrounded by subjectively attractive people". I'm not going to apologize for the fact that nobody is distracting to me in this way, and that I find interest in more than the desire to rub my genitals all over people due to some arbitrary physical trait.

... Actually, I can see how they might find me cold. Eh, whatever, but frame of reference is important when judging others and if you don't share their reference frame, then you can't hope to be able to completely empathize with others. At least not on a level that is very accurate. We're humans, we do our best... but then my ex-boyfriend used to equate me to something less than human because I didn't want to do the said genital friction on a regular basis. He was an asshole.

[Poots]

Yup definitely my sister ignores its existence