How Do Open Relationships Work?

[marblemicros]

The girl that I'm in love with, and whom loves me, wants an open relationship because she doesn'tl ike feeling tied down and prefers "no-strings-attached" sort of things. I've never done it before, and I'm not sure yet how it appeals to me, but for her sake I wanted to try it. She's asexual, and I'm not. And from what I've tried reading everywhere else, it always seems as if the asexual is doing it for the other partner so that they can go and fill in on their sexual needs and stuff. That's not the case here. She wants the open relationship and I have no desire to go off and sex someone, so what can I expect from that? How do asexuals have open relationships? Like, is she open to having, developing, and/or allowing feelings for others to emerge? Am I to expect her to be able to fall in love with someone else, while being in love with me? Or does that turn into polyamory?

I'm not quite sure what to expect at all, and a little puzzled at the whole thing, so if someone could help, it'd be great. If I didn't explain well enough, say so, so that I may be able to word my thoughts differently. Either way, thank you in advance.

[Notte stellata]

Open relationships can be sexually and/or emotionally open. If it's emotionally open, it overlaps with polyamory. Since she's an asexual who desires an open relationship, she most likely wants the emotional openness, although I'm a bit confused at the "no-strings-attached" part as NSA usually means lack of emotional connection. Anyway, it's best to ask her what she expects from an open relationship, because there are many variables in open relationships, like the level of emotional involvement, level of disclosure, primary/secondary roles (or lack thereof), living arrangement, etc.

[Touchofinsight]

Open relationships work the same way normal ones do except without the all encompassing sexual/emotional exclusivity. The terms of how this works and are decided by the parties involved. Its just something that all parties can agree upon and that is what makes them so difficult for most people because only have "partial freedom" can be tricky at times. Other people like my self are completely open but not everyone is up to that so you have to talk about it with your partner(s). Most of the time its just like a normal relationship and the terms are decided on by the primary partners but that also depends on the third party and if your looking for casual fun or other "secondary" relationships.

[Squawk]

Open relationships can be sexually and/or emotionally open. If it's emotionally open, it overlaps with polyamory. Since she's an asexual who desires an open relationship, she most likely wants the emotional openness, although I'm a bit confused at the "no-strings-attached" part as NSA usually means lack of emotional connection. Anyway, it's best to ask her what she expects from an open relationship, because there are many variables in open relationships, like the level of emotional involvement, level of disclosure, primary/secondary roles (or lack thereof), living arrangement, etc.

NSA is this case could just mean lack of commitment, not necessarily lack of emotional connection. She could want to be emotionally close to different people, without being tied down to one, and without the sexual aspect of the relationship - and like you said, it looks like it definitely could overlap with polyamory.

In any case, I understand that OP has no idea what exactly is going on and is unable to give us more information when they simply don't have it, but what you did post is not much to be able to form a likely conclusion, so the best advice we can give you is to talk to your girlfriend and ask exactly what she expects out of the open relationship she mentions.

Best of luck to you :)

[Touchofinsight]

Honestly the best thing you can learn about cultivating healthy relationship is that every single relationship you will ever have is different. There are no universal rules or guidelines for relationships. Remember that old mantra? "Communication is the key to a healthy relationship." Well here is where you learn to practice that statement. A lot of people say that but don't do anything to reflect it.

Communication only works when both people however are willing to talk about whatever it is and that is where often relationships fall apart. People want things to be easy or just figure that everything is going to go the way they think its "supposed to be" and that is the first step to a toxic relationship... assumptions.

Best of luck to you

Touch!

[Lynxe]

I was in an open relationship for many months. His sexual desire was much higher than I could provide for, so we agreed he could have an additional, purely sexual partner.

My "rules" were very strict on it - any meeting had to be agreed with me beforehand, he couldn't just go off and have sex whenever he wanted without me knowing, because to me that crosses into the boundaries of cheating, and equally the woman that he was sleeping with had to know our position too. And if he formed any sort of romantic bond with her, he had to tell me.

It worked well - for us. The relationship fell apart for reasons entirely separate from the polygamous aspect of our relationship.

[potato-chip]

You ask great questions, but this is definitely something that can only be defined by the two of you. It might be helpful to have a list of questions handy to go over. Like:

How do both of you feel about being emotionally intimate with others? Physically intimate?

How will you present each other to new potential partners? Eg, boyfriend / girlfriend? Primary partner?

How much time per week would you two ideally spend together? How much for other partners?

What is the desired disclosure process between you two? Like, if you meet someone you would like to date, how soon do you tell each other?

What is the desired disclosure amount of your other relationships? Like, how much will you tell each other about the details of your dates?

What secrets have you shared with each other that must remain private?

If you have sex, are there acts that she would like you to refrain from with others?

how often will you two discuss how things are going, and what could go better?

Personally, I would be concerned if someone wanted a good "no strings attached" relationship, because that would mean they would have very little requirement to be considerate of my feelings in their actions. Is that acceptable to you?

Finally,.. You seem to be entertaining this idea for her. But what do YOU want?

[kulosle]

So I'm an asexual and I refuse to be in monogamous relationships because I can't handle them. They put way to much pressure on me to be perfect. The idea that "I have to be able to help this person whenever they need help regardless of the circumstances" is just too stressful. That being said I also prefer polyamourous relationships because i don't like squelching my emotions, in fact i'm really bad at it. It causes a kind of pain that nothing seems to help to try and "turn off" feelings that might be developing for someone. I've never really understood the idea that having good healthy emotions for someone could be wrong. Why should i "turn off" feelings i'm having for someone when they are only positive emotions. My feelings for someone doesn't change my feelings for anyone else. so why whats the point in turning them off.

[MadRat]

I don´t know how they can work. It would never work for me. And if it doesn´t work for you, then OMG, don´t do it just because it´s "in".