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High standards


skymessenger

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I was discussing with my friend (who is ok with my asexuality and is curious) how her relationships are going. Eventually topic turns to me. While she knows the reason I never had a boyfriend, she asked if I'd ever get one and I told her I had some things I needed to find in a guy before I even think about going out with someone. I was asked what specifically I want in a guy so I told her. But my friend thinks I have waaaaay too high standards. So I need the asexuality opinion on something.

Aside from having a guy being ok with me being asexual (and having limited sex options), is my list a little much? Also how do asexuals find relationships? That part baffled me because i never really met people ok with giving up sex nor do I think asexuals really like the sex all that much...

THE LIST

- Not a smoker (I have asthma)

- Not an alcoholic. Occasional drink or two is fine

- Not a drug user

- Likes kids and animals

- Is ok with my family and is someone my family accepts

- Respects privacy when I need it

- Helps me when I'm down

- Can accept my flaws, weird quirks and anxiety issues

- Isn't possessive, manipulative or abusive

- Has at least 2 similar interests/hobbies as I do

- Funny

- Not completely psychotic or creepy

- No major criminal history (like murder)

- Talks to me if there's ever a problem

And while its not important, cute wouldn't be so bad. Just cause I'm not sexually attracted doesn't mean I like a cute face (I see guys like I see puppies; cute)

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A lot of these are just common sense choices, like not choosing an abusive, psychopathic murderer. ;)

Some are understandable health issues, like no smoking.

The other can be summed up as:

-Respectful/accepting of me and those important to me.

-Supportive.

-Has something in common with me.

-Cute preferred.

I don't think that's too much for anyone to ask for! Heck, I'd use that list!

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I personally don't think that's unreasonable at all. I mean, half of your list would basically be covered by "isn't a douchebag"

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yeah I'm going to agree with wyrdwyrm above me here... you basically have like 20 points that sum up respectful, matching personalities (to some extent), and supportive... that's most people's list as far as I know, so I think you're good. Perhaps you could present that in a way your friend would understand, cos honestly that's incredibly general. The specifics are just the things that suit you personally - which are required for your personal relationships... no biggie

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These aren't even standards, most of them.are just common sense.

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Touchofinsight

I was discussing with my friend (who is ok with my asexuality and is curious) how her relationships are going. Eventually topic turns to me. While she knows the reason I never had a boyfriend, she asked if I'd ever get one and I told her I had some things I needed to find in a guy before I even think about going out with someone. I was asked what specifically I want in a guy so I told her. But my friend thinks I have waaaaay too high standards. So I need the asexuality opinion on something.

Aside from having a guy being ok with me being asexual (and having limited sex options), is my list a little much? Also how do asexuals find relationships? That part baffled me because i never really met people ok with giving up sex nor do I think asexuals really like the sex all that much...

THE LIST

- Not a smoker (I have asthma)

- Not an alcoholic. Occasional drink or two is fine

- Not a drug user

- Likes kids and animals

- Is ok with my family and is someone my family accepts

- Respects privacy when I need it

- Helps me when I'm down

- Can accept my flaws, weird quirks and anxiety issues

- Isn't possessive, manipulative or abusive

- Has at least 2 similar interests/hobbies as I do

- Funny

- Not completely psychotic or creepy

- No major criminal history (like murder)

- Talks to me if there's ever a problem

And while its not important, cute wouldn't be so bad. Just cause I'm not sexually attracted doesn't mean I like a cute face (I see guys like I see puppies; cute)

The only issue I see here is the bold. So if you find a guy who is right for you or say at the very least compatible you won't date him just because your family doesn't like him. Family in my opinion should have no bearing in whom you date and what you do in your relationships. Good people understand each individual has to make their own choices even when they think their friend/confidant/family etc isn't making what they would deem to be a good choice.

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These aren't even standards, most of them.are just common sense.

Agreed.

I have a laundry list, and I don't see anything wrong with it... but as those of you know who follow my posts, I deal a lot with the singles & dating scene in general.

There are 2 mentalities at work re standards: folks with 'em and folks without 'em. The "withs" can't figure out how it's possible for the "withouts" to have the hots for practically anyone... while the "withouts" tend to regard the "withs" as hopelessly picky if not downright anal.

But once you realize the divide between these 2 mentalities, it's somewhat easier to avoid getting into disagreements.

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I agree with what the others have said, mostly. Your list is a lot like mine; AKA we want someone kind, accepting, and just enough similar so we aren't total opposites. Sounds normal and non-exhaustive to me. :P I think some people just think you need to be ridiculously open to everything (i.e. drugs, strong drinks, smokers etc.) to find a partner, which is nuts; you only want to have to find someone once or twice, not go through a lot of people that you know won't be compatible!

Summing it up might be a good idea if you talk to that friend again though, just for simplicities' sake.

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You might want to be careful about the at least 2 hobbies in common (in my personal opinion). I think that somebody who you have a deeper connections with or that you "like like" the need for similar hobbies is not a must. Eventually you will grow into hobbies together if you don't have any already.

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I think that list is fine. I do have a list of my own. And most people would have that list, regardless of orientation. Your friend is the one with the problem if they think that's too much.

I've been told my standards are a bit high, because to add to most of that list for myself, I would say same or higher education and salary as me, someone whose parents are not divorced, and someone who is not too religious (Muslim not allowed at all because the religion is passed down through the father, and most Muslims I've known are devout. The rest just can't be practicing.)

I know someone who mandates her husband's last name start with C through R because she's sick of being at the end of the alphabet, and I know someone else who will only date members of her own race. In my opinion, that's a little picky. :P

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I like your list, and I think your standards are very reasonable, not too high at all.

You might want to be careful about the at least 2 hobbies in common (in my personal opinion). I think that somebody who you have a deeper connections with or that you "like like" the need for similar hobbies is not a must. Eventually you will grow into hobbies together if you don't have any already.

I do however agree with this. I would hope to find someone who might have different interests and hobbies to me, but who would encourage me to have a go participating in their hobbies. I would also introduce them to my hobbies. That way, hopefully both of us would discover new things we enjoy that we might otherwise not have realized.

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ItsALongHardRoad

I have only one requirement (aside from the extremely obvious ones like: not smelling like dumpster,not a mass murderer and so on) but I am afraid it is one of the most difficult ones to be fulfilled and the most demanding:the ''It'' factor.It is something that belongs to the appearance spectrum but has nothing to do with the classical definition of looks.Kind eyes,smiling face, a childlike naivete in their glance,their various expressions....oh god I must stop,I am getting a little pathetic.Still,I can't explain what exactly that is.Actually,I am not interested in relationships in general and I would not pursue one if I wasn't infatuated with the target of my affections.

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George Carlin once distilled the essence of the 10 commandments down to two, and it appears wyrdwyrm has equaled this in knocking your list down to four. And in the same way that this somewhat forbidding list of 10 commandments becomes a very sensible two, her contraction of yours makes a very sensible four. So no, your standards are not way too high at all. They are perfectly sensible.

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Could condense entire thing into not a cunt Hahha.
But all jokes Aside, It hardly high standards. people just need be understanding.
As response, people not able give up sex. I have met a few women who where able too.
Even meet hypersexual she could, but I would have do some intimate stuff with her compensate.
But I wouldn't need do that.

~Someone would have be comfortable being weird with me.

~Someone would have rights reason for wanting anything more with me

-so stuff like cuddles I am rather affectionate so I could be called cuddle slut.

-Anything sexual ultimately they would need (be able too give it up for me). Not that I need it but if I did.

~Very romantic & have high demands for affection

~kinks match

~Must be very cuddle,

- love cuddles,

- love be arm in arm

- love receive massages

~ smokers are ok but not heavy smoker

~ I socially drink maybe once every 3-6 months.

~ Gamer Hahaha, she must at least like playing games with me.
~ and also love be toruted watching anime I like force people watch DBZ


~Also must like kinky cuddles and comfortable with them.

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sounds reasonable. and cuddles are awesome.


what are kinky cuddles?


what are kinky cuddles?

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soMeRandoM670

some women have prefferences :).
I like to explore with cuddles.
So anything that not typical spooning.

one girl wants be choked. So that.
But I like couch or kitchen table

:P.
Some women I am too intense.

But I can cope with less :P

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It seems like a solid list to me. But I'm a cynic so I think the chances of you finding a guy like that are slim. Maybe that's why your friend deemed your standards "too high"? I guess a nonabusive relationship with a guy who's not a drug addict is asking for the world lol

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I don't think you're being too picky, most of those are simply common sense, as some of those have implications on your physical/mental health... as for the others, they pretty much describe your average, non-douche guy, so although they might seem a lot, they're definitely not too much.

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BluebirdOfHappiness

I have basically the same list and have also been told that my standards are too high. I think part of the problem is that sexual people get blindsided by hormones and get sucked into this intense sexual attraction which can make it seem like some of the other points are less important. I've had so many of my friends talk to me about what great chemistry they have with these guys who are objectively not that great and maybe even harmful to them. Sexuals seem to be looking first for that spark of sexual attraction, whereas personally, as an asexual, I am taking a much closer look at who a person is and what I have in common with him. I really don't understand why people put up with things in relationships that they would never put up with in a friendship. I look at them the same way... if I can't be friends with a guy, then why would I ever want to be more?

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EmotionalAndroid

No, I don't think your standards to too high at all! They are quite reasonable and are simply ruling out jerks and people with bad habits that affect their well-being, as well as yours.

It makes me wonder what your friend is willing to accept in a relationship, though! :unsure:

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Eh, I'd just make sure that by funny you don't mean comedian but rather can make you laugh. Maybe use those shorter lists that others have proposed that covers all the things you want simply so that people can see at first glance that it is reasonable.

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