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What is sexual attraction really like?


steeplechasers

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steeplechasers

I know this has been asked a billion times, but I've been wondering about this lately.

I got a job where I see a lot of new people every day. A very small percentage of these people I personally think are attractive. I even blushed and became tongue-tied once.

I do not want to have sex with these people, but I do get sort of exhilarated, and I guess I sometimes think "this must be sexual attraction, what else could it be?" and I wonder idly what sex would be like with so-and-so.

Could this really just be aesthetic attraction?

Do other aces wonder about what having sex woud be like/daydream sometimes?

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I can only answer for myself, but I definitely wonder sometimes. But when I get to the point of picturing myself at it, as it were, I start feeling uncomfortable. Same with reading/seeing sex scenes in the media. It makes me feel awkward. So I don't think I'd enjoy it. As for your first question, I don't know. I do know that I get excited about certain people, but that's mostly people I know and the excitement comes from really wanting to meet them again. Aesthetic attraction as I've experienced it so far, only goes to the level of 'Now, he's a good looking one' for me. So yeah, I don't really know. Could be that you just feel aesthetic attraction a lot stronger. But it's an interesting thing to think about.

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butterflydreams

For me, it was realizing the very limited number of times I've felt "interest" it was purely aesthetic. I realized that while I was abstractly interested in sex, in real life situations, it wasn't a factor. One summer, before I started identifying as asexual, I made it a point to write down all the people I felt were attractive. At the time, I assumed this was sexual attraction. Looking back over what I wrote though, it's clear it was any anything but.

It's all things like "she had nice hair, I liked her outfit" or "I really liked her face, and the way she walked" Those are the kinds of things I've always felt. Not sexual attraction in my opinion. In attempting to form relationships with a handful of people over the years, attraction on the basis of sexual desire was just not there. There were even a few times where I tried really really hard to force it. Those times blew up in my face pretty bad. I missed out on some great people because of it.

There's also a difference between thought and feeling. I can objectively recognize that people are "hot" without too much problem. But I don't intrinsically feel it. I know that seems washy washy, but that's how it is.

I don't normally daydream about sex, especially if I'm involved, but I don't think that doing so is necessarily indicative of asexuality or not. Ultimately, it depends on how you feel about it. I know it's tough. Don't worry too much about it. Whatever feels right to you is right :)

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AVEN defines sexual attraction as actually wanting to have partnered sex with that person. I mean, you could get aroused, maybe even imagine that person naked next time you masturbate, possibly even fantasize about having sex with them I guess (though I think if you're asexual it would be just fantasy, not something you actually Desire to happen in real life, and if it was offered I imagine you'd turn it down and run for the hills :p ).. unless you actually think "gosh I'd love to fuck him/her/them, I'd love if he would do this, this and this to me in bed" then it's not actually sexual attraction. more I think, sensual.. imagining them naked, becoming aroused by them.. even imagining like, kissing and cuddling them while you are naked together.. I think counts as sensual, whereas sexual attraction actually feels like, you *want to fuck them* and masturbation really doesn't fully satisfy you...

I believe there is also the desire for partnered sex, which is separate from sexual attraction (though they often come together).. this is where you can't be satisfied through masturbation,you *need* someone else, but it isn't necessarily directed *at* anyone in particular , it's just a sexual desire that cannot be fulfilled alone. Whereas sexual attraction is the same

sexual desire, just directed *at* a particular person.

I used to say that I believe very clearly that I experience sexual attraction, minus the desire for partnered sex part, because my lover arouses me on all levels of my being.. like.. physically, mentally, emotionally... but that arousal just does not need sex to be satisfied, I'd rather just cuddle him, be intimate and even sensual together .. maybe masturbate eventually if the arousal doesn't go away on its own.. but no sex. (i dont imagine having sex with him when I masturbate either, sex just does not interest me)

I've been thinking really hard about this for a few days now, since reading the specific AVEN definition of asexuality on the main page, and reading all the resources I can find online , and I'm thinking that what I experience is actually um.. 'sensual arousal' (?) as opposed to sexual attraction. I'm going to have to go through all the old threads I've commented on and update this, as it works a lot better with the current definition of asexuality (an asexual does not experience sexual attraction).

I do believe that the fundamental thing that separates sexuals from asexuals is the innate desire for partnered sex/sexual intimacy with another person. that's also more clear than saying 'an asexual does not experience sexual attraction' though they both mean the same thing at the end of the day.

Sexual attraction is the desire to physically have partnered sex with a certain person. it's much easier just to say 'an asexual is a person who experiences no innate desire for partnered sexual stimulation(?) partnered sexual intimacy (?) (or something), regardless of the level of their libido' because sexual attraction really is such a foggy term heh.. open to all sorts of interpretations :)

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This is actually one of the reasons it took me so long to realize that I am asexual. I have always considered women attractive and just assumed that it was sexual attraction because I also thought about sex. Although I have to say that I rarely think about sex unless I am by myself. When I see a woman, I just think "wow she is cute" (in much the same way I think a cat is cute) and do not actually think about her in a sexual way unless I am alone and in the mood to masturbate.

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Yeah, you probably are just wondering what sex would be like since you live in a sex-obsessed world. There's nothing wrong with that, as I wonder the same thing too, and because of that I've had doubts about whether I am asexual, but since researching the precise definition of asexual, as in meaning that one has no desire for partnered sex, just about everything else is fair game, incuding fantasies, random kinks, enjoying watching porn, etc.

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I've wondered what attraction--any kind--is like. I realized that I'm practically forcing myself to go "Hey! He's attractive!"

I started working in a customer service job about a month ago. I see lots of people at work. None have ever given me butterflies or even made me tongue-tied. The closest I've gotten is "he's kind of good looking..." I used to think that I was just reeeally picky about who I found hot, which led to me seeing thousands of men but only finding a handful "attractive." However, another girl in my job position probably would've found several men attractive in the same pool of customers. It boils down to the fact that I really don't care if the customers are good looking or not. I actually think it would be weird if customers came in and I was all "ooh la la he's hot!" But I know for a fact that both sexuals and asexuals are like that.

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As far as I can tell, sexual attraction is simply the urge to have actual intercourse (or participate in other sexual activities) with a specific person. As Ficto-Rex.'s signature states quite nicely:

Sexual attraction: feeling 'turned on' by a specific person. Not just genitally, but mentally, emotionally, physically, sensually: Full body/soul arousal, not just basic genital arousal.

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I realized that while I was abstractly interested in sex, in real life situations, it wasn't a factor.

That. I am abstractly interested in sex. If there was anyone on Earth I found attractive in that way, I'd certainly try it. But, so far, no one has been able to trigger that in me. No matter how much I might daydream about it, thinking 'oh, that would probably feel nice', whenever I look at people it's like this. If the person is a guy, I feel like he can't be the right person cause I'm not attracted to guys. If the person is a girl, I feel like she can't be the right person because I'm not attracted to girls. It's like I'm gay when in front of a boy, and straight in front of a girl. That is all. And it doesn't impact at all on my opinion on sex.

I believe there is also the desire for partnered sex, which is separate from sexual attraction (though they often come together).. this is where you can't be satisfied through masturbation,you *need* someone else, but it isn't necessarily directed *at* anyone in particular , it's just a sexual desire that cannot be fulfilled alone. Whereas sexual attraction is the same

sexual desire, just directed *at* a particular person.

I used to say that I believe very clearly that I experience sexual attraction, minus the desire for partnered sex part, because my lover arouses me on all levels of my being.. like.. physically, mentally, emotionally... but that arousal just does not need sex to be satisfied, I'd rather just cuddle him, be intimate and even sensual together .. maybe masturbate eventually if the arousal doesn't go away on its own.. but no sex. (i dont imagine having sex with him when I masturbate either, sex just does not interest me)

I've been thinking really hard about this for a few days now, since reading the specific AVEN definition of asexuality on the main page, and reading all the resources I can find online , and I'm thinking that what I experience is actually um.. 'sensual arousal' (?) as opposed to sexual attraction. I'm going to have to go through all the old threads I've commented on and update this, as it works a lot better with the current definition of asexuality (an asexual does not experience sexual attraction).

This is interesting. It is true, I think, that wanting to have sex with 'someone in general' and being sexually attracted to 'someone in particular' are two different things. As said above, the one is abstract and the other is directed. Only the second one disqualifies you from being asexual, if we go by the current definition. Meaning you can want to have sex really bad: as long as you don't think of someone specific and go 'I'll have that now please', you're asexual.

Also, this thing about 'sensual arousal' is something I can relate to. My partner and I were discussing it a few days ago. I get two different kinds of 'turned on' feelings, and they're different from one another. The first one I'd call 'sensual' and the second one 'sexual'. One can trigger the other, but not necessarily.

TMI to follow.

Sensual arousal, to me, is felt higher, in the chest, maybe in the stomach. It's warmth and love. It's a sensation that gets me squirming and relaxed at the same time. Might make me want to stretch out like a cat.

Sexual arousal is in the genitals. It's more localized. It's a tightness, an itch. To me, it requires more concentration to be kept on. Basically, it makes me desire an orgasm.

I don't know if other people feel a distinction between the two but I'd certainly be interested to know. :)

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steeplechasers

Oh also to add on to my original question:

Do some sexual people look at people, even strangers, and think explicitly about sex with them?

I think they must. Hm.

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Oh also to add on to my original question:

Do some sexual people look at people, even strangers, and think explicitly about sex with them?

I think they must. Hm.

I would have to say: most likely. At least for men, based on many conversations I had with other guys in the army.

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Oh also to add on to my original question:

Do some sexual people look at people, even strangers, and think explicitly about sex with them?

I think they must. Hm.

Some certainly do. But I wouldn't think that's the majority. I personally think people (even sexual people) are a lot less obsessed with sex than the media would have us believe.

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butterflydreams

AVEN defines sexual attraction as actually wanting to have partnered sex with that person. I mean, you could get aroused, maybe even imagine that person naked next time you masturbate, possibly even fantasize about having sex with them I guess (though I think if you're asexual it would be just fantasy, not something you actually Desire to happen in real life, and if it was offered I imagine you'd turn it down and run for the hills :P ).. unless you actually think "gosh I'd love to fuck him/her/them, I'd love if he would do this, this and this to me in bed" then it's not actually sexual attraction. more I think, sensual.. imagining them naked, becoming aroused by them.. even imagining like, kissing and cuddling them while you are naked together.. I think counts as sensual, whereas sexual attraction actually feels like, you *want to fuck them* and masturbation really doesn't fully satisfy you...

This just makes me feel so sad for some reason. It's almost disbelief. Like, really? People really feel that? I mean, I have friends, we talk, I know they do. But I still don't believe it.

I've wondered what attraction--any kind--is like. I realized that I'm practically forcing myself to go "Hey! He's attractive!"

This. This so so much. If I'm going about my day, it's a total non issue. Any kind of attraction. It's just not there. That was why I did that whole experiment one summer. I really had to force myself to notice. Even then, I hesitate to call it attraction. I was just noticing. There wasn't any real pull involved.

I realized that while I was abstractly interested in sex, in real life situations, it wasn't a factor.

That. I am abstractly interested in sex. If there was anyone on Earth I found attractive in that way, I'd certainly try it. But, so far, no one has been able to trigger that in me. No matter how much I might daydream about it, thinking 'oh, that would probably feel nice', whenever I look at people it's like this. If the person is a guy, I feel like he can't be the right person cause I'm not attracted to guys. If the person is a girl, I feel like she can't be the right person because I'm not attracted to girls. It's like I'm gay when in front of a boy, and straight in front of a girl. That is all. And it doesn't impact at all on my opinion on sex.

I suspect a lot of people here have that abstract interest. It was a while before I realized just how abstract it was for me. Sex is incredibly fascinating to me. I really enjoy hearing about other people's experiences with it. If someone I know is telling me all about his weekend with some cute young thing, I'm all ears. I suspect it's more of that whole "disbelief" thing. Like, really?! Wow. Tell me more! It's probably no different from me talking to someone who travelled the world more than I ever will. It's so far out of my realm of understanding, I want to hear about it. Especially now that I'm identifying as asexual, I can drop the whole "I must be broken for never feeling that way" bit, and just be fascinated.

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It's certainly confusing, especially being asexual...cause most of us really aren't sure what it's supposed to feel like lol. But like others have said, it's about the desire for partnered sex with them and all that jazz. I used to think that sexual attraction was every time I thought someone was cute, or if I really liked their personality. Every time I had a "crush," I thought that was sexual attraction, but nope! Until discovering AVEN and my asexuality, I was kinda assuming everything was sexual when it really wasn't lol. I didn't know that romantic/sensual/aesthetic attraction were all separate.

Also, yeah, I think it's normal to ponder about what sex or sexual attraction might be like...being ace or not, those thoughts can fly in and out. I've done that many times when I saw someone I thought was really good-looking lol! But the imagination cuts it short, and it's not like I have any real desire to do any of those things with anyone. But sometimes...the curious mind likes to wonder haha.

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WhenSummersGone

I define sexual attraction as sexual desire directed towards someone. Meaning you would want to have sex with that person. It could be based on anything like their looks/genitals (physical attraction) or liking them as a person. I would say it's different from sexual desire which is just wanting partnered sex and no direction at the moment.

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thatotherguy57

I know this has been asked a billion times, but I've been wondering about this lately.

I got a job where I see a lot of new people every day. A very small percentage of these people I personally think are attractive. I even blushed and became tongue-tied once.

I do not want to have sex with these people, but I do get sort of exhilarated, and I guess I sometimes think "this must be sexual attraction, what else could it be?" and I wonder idly what sex would be like with so-and-so.

Could this really just be aesthetic attraction?

Do other aces wonder about what having sex woud be like/daydream sometimes?

As a grey asexual who experiences aesthetic attraction, I can say that it definitely sounds like aesthetic attraction. I spent most of my life thinking that sexual and aesthetic attractions were one and the same. I have only two or three times felt sexual attraction. Unless your mind is turning toward sex with any or these people you find attractive, it's not sexual attraction. I will stress, however that blushing and becoming tongue tied can be experienced in both sexual and aesthetic attractions. I've had it happen many a time with people I have found aesthetically attractive.

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I frequently theorized about things like this - there were specifically two girls I had big enough of a crush on during my education that made me question why specifically my devotion to them was so strong as composed to other individuals I sortof carried a "mini-crush" on. As if this extra attraction was some incomplete form of sexual attraction, and that specific attraction somehow carried more momentum? I didn't really understand it since I wasn't all that educated about my asexuality back then, and I ended up coming to the conclusion that these were just differing levels of physical attraction for me.

Also, I think for a lot of people that experience sexual attraction, physical and sexual attraction could be intertwined. Whether or not they can condition themselves to differentiate between the two I'm unsure about, but I'm sure it can vary.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I assumed I was sexual for ages because I experience aesthetic or romantic attraction really easily, and I thought that because I wanted to kiss people I found good looking then that it counted as sexual, but then the second I tried to think about sex I was like 'Ehhhh. I guess I wouldn't mind' like it was something I'd put up with if I had to rather than something I actually wanted. And I'd never felt anything like that when I was kissing people but I assumed it was because I didn't fancy them. But then when I did fancy someone and ended up kissing them I was like 'Well, this is nice, and I like you, but I'm pretty happy leaving it at this' I didn't feel the need to try and make things go any further and it didn't take any effort on my part not to, and I figured I just didn't like them enough but now I realise I probably just don't feel that. And I'm kind of famous for having a ridiculous number of celebrity crushes but I just think they're cute or good-looking and I like their personality, or the personality of the character they play, and I kind of get butterflies but I don't even really imagine kissing them and I certainly wouldn't have sex with them, as far as I'm concerned they're not even part of the 'real world' or at least not the one I live in. Especially since some of the people I have a 'crush' on are a good twenty years older than me, it's more a case of appreciating their looks than anything else. Not quite the same as looking at a cute animal but close.

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Sexual attraction to me is a strong desire to have sexual intercourse with a specific person. That never happens to me with anyone, ever. Aesthetic attraction however, is something I epxerience often. The difference is very clear in my mind, Because I know I woudlnt want to see any of those people I am aesthetically attracted to with thier clothes off.

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UPDATE:

I have been thinking really hard about this (I think I updated my signature after I made that initial comment here, not sure) but I feel that, for me, sexual attraction is being aroused on all levels by another person (as said in my signature). HOWEVER, I do **not** believe that feeling sexual attraction alone stops one from being asexual, unless the attraction you feel leads you to want to have sex with the person you are attracted to (which is the desire for partnered sex).

Masturbating while thinking about them is one thing, but if you cannot find sexual satisfaction *unless* you have actual partnered sex with that person, then I think that's 'full sexual attraction' ie sexual attraction PLUS the desire for partnered sex. I believe if you have BOTH of these, sexual attraction AND you strongly desire partnered sex over masturbation, then that's what makes you 'sexual' as opposed to asexual.

I believe I do feel sexual attraction, very strongly for my partner, yet, despite having an average libido (I madtubate) I have no interest in or desire for, partnered sex with him (or anyone, ever).

I think I'll stick with calling what I feel "sensual attraction" as opposed to sexual attraction though, because that just makes things less confusing by AVEN standards (ie here, as soon as you say you feel sexual attraction, people say you are not asexual.. "just look at the description at the top of the page!" people say heh. which is why I like the description in my signature better :p) .. anyway, sensual attraction is all the feelings of sexual attraction, minus that innate *need* for partnered sex, that 'need' to have sex with someone else, which masturbation alone cannot satisfy. :)

That's my updated answer anyway, though I don't think it differs much from my previous one? heh

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apokalyptisch

I'm an oddball in that I experience sexual attraction to strangers all the time, where I am imagining us doing the deed and greatly enjoying that and experience all of those thoughts and feelings and emotions...

...but if I actually got the chance to have sex with that stranger (and that's happened), I get creeped out, start squirming, and find that the person disgusts me.

On the other hand, I find people out in the world that are "cute" (e.g., not horrible to look at, funny, easygoing, traits we can all understand) - and I get to know them, and find my attraction to them building - a true demisexual definition, I think. That attraction stays put if I do get the chance, and those are relationships that work out for me.

All that being said, sexual attraction to strangers is a lot like looking at your favorite food. Imagine your favorite food had legs. It strolls up to you, and you can smell it. Oh man. Wouldn't you love to smell it again? Ohh, look, it's got your favorite topping. Just the right amount. It's just prepared to perfection. Not a flaw in sight. MAN. And you're so hungry! Your last meal was so inadequate. You just want to sink your teeth into that lovely thing and gobble it up.

For me, it's kinda like that. It's not always all of it. Sometimes I just like peoples' hair, and somehow even that feels sexual, because it's paired with that familiar feeling of sexual attraction. Does that make any sense?

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