Sexual attraction and dating assumptions. Thoughts?

[Jarndyce]

This might be a foolish question. It arises from an assumption I have made since I learnt about asexuality:

If one expresses interest in a person of one's desired gender (eg. asks someone out) is it normal for sexuals to assume that one is sexually attracted to them?

While I recognise that there are lots of different people out there, are sexuals be likely to respond primarily based on the perceived mutual - or individual - presence or absence of sexual attraction?

I ask as I have a mild crush on someone and am repeatedly reminding myself that she is most likely not asexual (there's a double negative for you!). I tend to think of a relationship as a very close romantic friendship, and really don't understand the whole sexual dimension any more than I feel it. Responses/opinions from sexuals and asexuals alike are most welcome!

[Philip027]

It depends, really. (But what doesn't?)

My first relationship was with someone who almost certainly was not asexual. I didn't even know about asexuality at the time but she still seemed to recognize that I was "different" in that regard and there was never any real expectation on her part that I was a sexual being. I've also seemed to give off an asexual vibe to most people that I know well; my attempts at coming out when I finally did know about asexuality were mostly met with responses of "oh, yeah, that makes sense for you, that's no surprise"

[binary suns]

[The Wreyck]

I think they kinda do, I mean, once they're past the childhood stage at least. I mean, I think it's just a natural aspect of most sexuals, you like the person you are sexually attracted to, you are sexually attracted to the person you like. Even if they aren't willing to get into sexual stuffs immediately, I would assume the attraction is still there, in my experience with sexuals. I mean, I've seen them become attracted to people they were not initially sexually attracted to, as in once emotionally attracted to the person they became sexually attracted to them regardless of how they sexually viewed the person previously. But it seems to be normal that the romantic attraction and sexual attraction ALMOST always go hand in hand. There are times even with sexuals that they do not, but it seems to be the prevalent pattern that they do. When two sexuals decide to go on a date with mutual feelings, it is usually assumed that they both find the other sexually attractive.

Obviously I do not think that way, as I am asexual, and I'm not overly experienced in romantic relationships for my own personal self. I just recently entered one, and for the first time I was forthright about my asexuality (I really like this guy and wanna make things work). I don't think he totally understands what it means, but he does get the gist of the fact that I view him differently than he views me, and differently even than most females view males that they are interested in. But we are both attracted to the other in the way we are able to feel attraction, and that seems to work for us, so far. I wish you luck in this endeavor of figuring things out.

[Frigid Pink]

In my experience people do generally interpret the motivations of others through the motivations of themselves.

Yeah, I tend to do this a bit, and forget that other people aren't "asexual" and may experience sexual attraction towards me (or others).

[The Wreyck]

Oh my gatos. Just reread my post, and I used "I mean" WAY too many times. =__= I don't even usually use that phrase period.

[binary suns]

[Sally]

I think that if you ask someone out on a date and that someone you ask out is sexual, the sexual will assume that if further dates occur, there will eventually be sex, because you wouldn't be asking them out if you were definitely NOT attracted to them. My experience is that sexuals always assume there will eventually be sex, and that dating is the opening scene of that eventuality. Thus, it's kind of iffy to ask a sexual out on a date if you're an asexual.

[butterflydreams]

I think that if you ask someone out on a date and that someone you ask out is sexual, the sexual will assume that if further dates occur, there will eventually be sex, because you wouldn't be asking them out if you were definitely NOT attracted to them. My experience is that sexuals always assume there will eventually be sex, and that dating is the opening scene of that eventuality. Thus, it's kind of iffy to ask a sexual out on a date if you're an asexual.

I could be totally wrong here given my lack of dating experience, but I never really assumed that's what anyone I was hanging out with was thinking. I always kind of figured cross that bridge when you come to it, in a way that was mutually respectful. But until you get there, it's a non-issue. Personally, I was always much more concerned with "early on dating assumptions" like kissing. That's something I'm iffy with at best. Probably not going to want to do it at all. That feels like a much more difficult bridge to cross.

[Arf]

It depends... If it's a casual, coffee/friend date, then sexual attraction might not be assumed. Sometimes for allosexuals, sexual attraction only grows with time too.

[Sally]

There's a difference between dating and hanging out. If you're hanging out, you needn't go into a long explanation, obviously. But being asked on a "date" -- yes, I think it's best to tell them.

[Guest]

Thus, it's kind of iffy to ask a sexual out on a date if you're an asexual.

Unless you come out to them as asexual, on said first date or before it starts. But that's not everyone's cuppa. (It is my cuppa, though - "we're starting to date? okay then, here's the sitch..." :))

[imgone]

Yeah, she'll probably assume you're sexually attracted to her. That's why communication is super duper important! And, at least in my experience, the whole "romantic friendship" thing kind of makes it all the more easier, because hopefully you're pretty comfortable with that person.

There is a chance she will be okay with the asexuality thing, there's a chance that she won't, and there's a chance she just won't get it. You won't know until you broach the subject, unfortunately. For me, it took me a month or two to finally get up the nerve to come out to my boyfriend... Only for him to tell me I'd already mentioned it to him, albeit as a joke, (I apparently called myself an "asexual robot" in conversation once.) and that he'd known all along, haha. Of course I still had a lot of explaining to do, but it was a relief to know I hadn't been leading him on, and that he was okay before we even discussed compromise. Maybe, if you're friends with this girl, it might be easier to talk about beforehand? Test the waters a bit? Maybe if sexuality comes up in conversation. That's all I got, sorry!

[good]

Meh, go out and have a nice first date. Talk about what book you read, or what movie you saw - but also listen to her stories. Learn more about this woman. Hallway office conversations (as an example) are not the same as personal date conversations.

Many first dates do not lead to second and third dates. I know that seems a bit negative, but might you be putting the cart before the horse.? Enjoy your first date. If there is interest in continued dating, let her know there's something you need to discuss.

btw, you may not be the only one with something requiring discussion. Budding relationship confessionals are a time honored tradition. In a new relationship, almost every adult has something they'll need to explain. The asexual discussion should be one of many early discussions - not the only conversation. Maybe that realization will help you get started on the discussion.

Good luck, hope everything goes smooth.

[Jarndyce]

Thank you for all taking the time to offer your thoughts/advice. I'm going to work with the idea that my assumption is indeed, too presumptive, and will also bear in mind that I tend to take everything too seriously.

I get the feeling that going one small step at a time, rather than anticipating problems which aren't even close to existing yet, might be the wiser option.

[kulosle]

Yeah one step at a time is best. But I have actually asked a fair number of people questions along these lines and here's what i've come to understand. Sexual's for the most part don't "assume" your sexually attracted to them on the first date, or ever really. At some point early on they just "know" you are. They never have the thought "well if your asking me out that must mean there is a sexual attraction between us." Its more along the lines of once they notice you are attracted to them, that means sexual attraction. It's not exactly an assumption from my understanding. Sexual's for the most part either aren't aware of the different types of attraction or think they are all dependent upon each other, and there for you either currently do or will soon be sexually attracted to them. That being said this isn't necessarily something you need to worry about on a first date though. Plenty of first dates don't go anywhere and most people don't have any assumptions or expectations until after the first one.

[Ficulnean]

Until I realized I was asexual I thought I was sexually attracted to the person/s I wanted to get to know romantically. I needed to directly ask myself, wait, do I want to have sex with them, before I realized this wasn't the case. I just want to talk and maybe cuddle. Yes, people will assume you are attracted to them. I assumed I was sexually as opposed to romantically attracted to other people. Now that I know there's a difference, I finally get a lot about me. It's apparently a natural conflation of terms to make.