Think I've met someone on the Autistic spectrum- Advice?

[WoodwindWhistler]

I know this might be kind of a sensitive topic but it's come up many times that there *seems* to be a lot of people on the spectrum at AVEN. Thought I'd cast out to you guys for some direction on etiquette and possible difficulties.

I might ask my mother's best friend, who directs an autistic support group of some kind. Honestly I feel sometimes that I'm at the very, very shallow end of this particular pool. My brother is diagnosed with ADD, and I'm thinking of getting tested for that as well.

Anyway, this guy's asked for my picture, requested that I wear a certain outfit, and I that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but I'm seeing how it goes. He texts me incessantly and repeats questions if I don't answer fast enough. I texted "in chorus atm" and I don't think he got the hint that I couldn't have a lengthy text exchange. I want to say his vocabulary is a bit stilted, but it's hard to accuse someone else of that when I often use turns of phrase that are not exactly "conversational" either. He looked up the dictionary definition of self-conscious at one point in a conversation, and when we first met could barely string two words together or keep eye contact at all. Don't have a lot of social experience (extreme introvert) but I'm pretty sure it was more than just nervousness. That's gotten better, but still is noticeable.

Edit: he says the reason he needs my picture is he has trouble recognizing faces. Yeah.

I'm five years his senior, so I was hoping nothing romantic would come up, but given that he's pretty fixated and might not even have awareness of that social convention . . .

[Sally]

You need not have any kind of relationship -- even friendship -- with anyone you're uncomfortable with, no matter what the reason is for that discomfort. Asking someone for their picture, asking that they wear a certain outfit, and texting constantly even though you try to discourage it is not a good start, and it's not likely that those will be the final requests. Perhaps you can rehearse explaining to him that you're not able to have a friendship right now because you're very busy, although you think he's a wonderful person -- or something like that so that he is not hurt, but understands that you just don't have time.

[wyrdwyrm]

^^This. His behavior sounds like obsession, and it's best to address it before it goes too far.

[WoodwindWhistler]

You need not have any kind of relationship -- even friendship -- with anyone you're uncomfortable with, no matter what the reason is for that discomfort. Asking someone for their picture, asking that they wear a certain outfit, and texting constantly even though you try to discourage it is not a good start, and it's not likely that those will be the final requests. Perhaps you can rehearse explaining to him that you're not able to have a friendship right now because you're very busy, although you think he's a wonderful person -- or something like that so that he is not hurt, but understands that you just don't have time.

I haven't broached the topic of texting less yet. I only met him a couple of days ago. I haven't gotten to sit down and have a very long exchange.

I like him otherwise. He's interested in science and animals, and I *do* have the time to talk about those. I recruited him for our environmental club, so I will be spending time with him regardless. It seems discriminatory to fault him for behavior that is directly linked to a disability (not being able to recognize faces of new people- a documented difficulty of a good number of Asperger's and autistics). With the outfit thing, intuitively it seems to me he does not understand that the request is odd.

I'm not going to leave him in the dust so quickly, though I highly appreciate and totally understand your concern. My mother actually had a similar experience (though this guy with a disability was fixated on her as a maternal/parental figure, not a romantic one). If I have any problems, my university counselor will help me out. I have plenty of potential support handling this.

I was specifically asking for those who might be on the spectrum for maybe their pet peeves about communication, techniques to relate, etc.

[Guest]

As somebody with autism (a mild case of aspergures), the best advice I can think of is take everything he says with just a grain of salt. If it seem like it is offensive, or comes off a wrong way or something, just try and think a little more as to what he could really have meant. It is hard to find the correct words and social ques when you have autism.

[Makalasterlove]

Accept them as a person. They might not get metaphors, but they a lot of are really sweet and innocent.

[Kanenas]

We want to be treated like everybody else, really. That's all there is to say! Never forget that autists and neurotypicals alike are unique personalities. Obviously I have no clue what the guy you describe is like in reality or whether he even is on the spectrum. I never have and never would act (or even think that it would be appropriate to be) that way. I am just going to assume no and say this is random borderline creepy behavior. But even if the guy's on the spectrum, I just said to treat everybody the same. So here it goes.

From what you wrote, I can only strongly second what has been said already. If he makes you feel uneasy or even just annoyed all the time, let him know that that behavior will end right there and then. Tell him what's wrong. You yourself said you're uncomfortable, so please listen to your gut! You don't owe people. Don't take/give out photos just because he comes up with an excuse, that is not your problem. And also, if somebody told me what to dress like, I would make sure they're about to be not single, but double rectified.

[Guest]

Just let him know he's being inappropriate. He may not even realize it. If he keeps making you uncomfortable, leave him alone.

I have trouble recognizing faces and I cannot keep eye contact, but I am not diagnosed (well, never been to a doctor either) autistic. People tell me I am and that I should get tested, but meh. If it is, it's high functioning enough it doesn't bother me, so seems like a waste. But, it can be difficult to find someone I know in a crowd, let alone someone I barely know, so he may legitimately have been trying to just make it easy enough that he could recognize you without realizing how creepy it came off. I would never ask those things, but knowing what someone is wearing and seeing them often is about the only way I can pick them out among a lot of other people.

[Ortac]

I would say that it is important that there is good, clear communication using no nonsense language.

Make sure you tell this person kindly but firmly what is and what is not acceptable to you if you are to have a friendship, and also get him to tell you what he expects and what is and is not acceptable to him.

If he asks you to wear a particular item of clothing and you do not want to, it is no good saying something to an autistic person like “But it is too cold for me to be wearing that right now” and hope that he gets the message if what you really mean is in fact “No, I don’t want to wear that, and I am not going to wear that because your request makes me feel uneasy. Please do not ask me again”.

With autistic people, it is usually best to make direct, honest statements. If you ask direct, straightforward questions, you will normally get a direct, straightforward (and honest) answer. If you ask him directly, “why do you want me to wear that item of clothing”, he may say “Because I find you sexually attractive when you are wearing it” or he might say “Because it is distinctive and it helps me to recognise you”.

It would be extremely unfortunate to taint or lose what could be a good friendship because of a misunderstanding that arose due to a lack of effective communication.

Being on the spectrum myself, I had a relevant experience when I was a lot younger when I thought I had a good working relationship with a colleague. We would chat, joke about and exchange friendly banter and I thought we got on really well. After we had worked together a few months, I arrived at work one day and said hi to her, and without warning she just suddenly snapped and turned hostile and angry towards me, saying something along the lines of “don’t talk to me, you do my head in”. After that it was absolute hell to even be in the same building together, and our working relationship was never repaired. I had no idea what I had done wrong (in fact I still don’t), but she had given me no warning or indication in the preceding months that I was doing anything to annoy her or that I needed to do anything differently or modify my behavior.

Edit: he says the reason he needs my picture is he has trouble recognizing faces. Yeah.

Difficulty recognizing faces is an autistic trait, as is complete honesty! So don't be too quick to dismiss that explanation.

[Velie]

One of my exes has Asperger's.

His behavior wasn't that bad, though. The only thing he was prone to was to ramble about his interests for hours, which initially wasn't too big of a deal because I was curious, but eventually, it got repetitive. We broke up because of something else, which had absolutely nothing to do with his condition. We're still friends after 5 years, and we talk daily.

Sometime later, I got hit on by another aspie, who told me he had actually gotten in trouble for "molesting" a girl before. He really didn't want to scare her or anything, he just completely misunderstood her social cues. He felt really guilty. It's sad when you think about it. I simply told him I wasn't interested, and he left it at that.

Like the people before me have said, it's better to be straightforward. Not rude, just straightforward.

[Guest]

@Velie I would avoid the word aspie though, generally that is considered an offensive term, and it is almost always used in a negative context.

[Janus the Fox]

it also important to treat them equally not be talked down to or differently just because of ASD. It may be unlikely it's aspergers, but could also be crippeling social anxiety, so it's important to not assume someone else's medical diagnosis.

[Velie]

@Velie I would avoid the word aspie though, generally that is considered an offensive term, and it is almost always used in a negative context.

Really? I and the people I know who are aspies use it as an endearing term. They also refer to themselves as 'aspies'. 0.o Just so you know, this is the first time someone has told me it's considered offensive. I certainly don't mean anything bad by it. It's like a cute name for them, imo. :3

I've heard several derogatory names for people with Asperger's (which I won't mention here), but aspie isn't one of them as far as I know. Are you sure? I guess it could depend on the person with Asperger's and the context, like you have said. I don't have Asperger's myself, even if I was tested for it as a kid. (Gifted people often fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum.)

If I have offended anyone, I apologize, I just had no idea the word aspie had a negative connotation for some people.

[Ortac]

The term ‘aspie’ was coined by Liane Holliday Willey, a professor and author with Asperger syndrome. Check out her website:
http://www.aspie.com/

Just as “Ace” is a short and informal way of referring to an asexual person, “Aspie” is a short and informal way of referring to someone with Asperger Syndrome. Within the circles of aspie people I have mixed with, it is not generally considered offensive unless it is used in a derogatory context.

I can’t say I am particularly keen on the word myself, although I have used the term to refer to myself on occasions as it is easier and more subtle than saying autism or Asperger syndrome.

There will be a number of people with Asperger syndrome who dislike the term, so maybe it is best to refrain from using it directly with someone until such a time that the person in question uses it themselves.

[Sally]

Using Aspie is a good way to differentiate between that part of the autism spectrum and "standard" autism (Kanner's Syndrome), which my daughter has and which is extremely disabling.

[Kanenas]

Just as “Ace” is a short and informal way of referring to an asexual person, “Aspie” is a short and informal way of referring to someone with Asperger Syndrome. Within the circles of aspie people I have mixed with, it is not generally considered offensive unless it is used in a derogatory context.

Exactly. It's rather endearing. Of course there's going to be people who want to insult others no matter what, but I do not see how shortening the term is insulting in itself. Some people like it, some don't, other's have no particular feelings about it.

Using Aspie is a good way to differentiate between that part of the autism spectrum and "standard" autism (Kanner's Syndrome), which my daughter has and which is extremely disabling.

I disagree with that strongly for the following reason. Not every high functioning autist has Asperger's. And your comment makes it sound like there's only Aspies and then the children which Kanner and Heller studied and, in my honest opinion, heavily misunderstood.

Let's put the atrocity which the DSM-V is aside for a moment and focus on the past criteria and studies and diagnoses already made. High functioning is not just the name of one end of the spectrum, there is also a form of autism which is diagnosed as "high functioning autism" simply. Then there is also PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified), which is also a high functioning form of autism. Both of them are very close to Asperger's, but there's differences. So no, saying you are an Aspie is not code for being on one or the other end of the spectrum... It simply means that you indeed have Asperger's!

[Guest]

@Velie I would avoid the word aspie though, generally that is considered an offensive term, and it is almost always used in a negative context.

Really? I and the people I know who are aspies use it as an endearing term. They also refer to themselves as 'aspies'. 0.o Just so you know, this is the first time someone has told me it's considered offensive. I certainly don't mean anything bad by it. It's like a cute name for them, imo. :3

I've heard several derogatory names for people with Asperger's (which I won't mention here), but aspie isn't one of them as far as I know. Are you sure? I guess it could depend on the person with Asperger's and the context, like you have said. I don't have Asperger's myself, even if I was tested for it as a kid. (Gifted people often fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum.)

If I have offended anyone, I apologize, I just had no idea the word aspie had a negative connotation for some people.

I could not say for sure, but as you were clearly not attempting to offend anybody it is fine. I suppose it is the context it is used in as others here have said, but I have had it used only as a way to insult me in the past. It is predicted to be a bad word in the future, although this is mostly speculation.

[Sally]

Kanenas, I used Aspie and Kanner Syndrome not as the only terms used in autism (I know all the terms by now; my daughter's 51 years old). Most people don't know all the terms; they have no reason to. Specifying Asperger's or "standard" autism tells them the basics, and that's all they need. They certainly don't know Pervasive Development Disorder because they don't read the DSM, and PDD is a very recent diagnosis.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that Kanner misunderstood autism. What he did was describe it, at a time when most autistic people were considered simply "mentally retarded" and sent to institutions, which was suggested for my daughter. I thank God for Kanner, as his research saved her from that.

[soMeRandoM670]

Oh my I not even sure what social convention you talking about?
I was diagnosed with autism at age 4.

So I want people talk to me straight not hide any hidden meanings and be direct with intentions or what they want.

Say that you uncomfortable, but don't be to harsh. Because friendship she, things have changed now. I Am uncomfortable around her because I made her uncomfortable. It difficult. So, I don't understand social things as well. So you need explain clearly, don't use words that, given context would form different meaning. I take things what people say to heart and literally.
So if someone joked about meeting up with me I would take them seriously.

I do however ask.

But, If you need space, and everything just tell him and if something about him that is problem be straight. See how he reacts.

You need do this Face to face. read, reactions and tones. Because it hard pick up, on I have a lot trouble.

[pralfred]

I'm an Aspie, with OCD, and I understand that quite often I make people uncomfortable due to this...it's not intentional and I try to avoid situations that cause this (ie avoiding people, or acting out a "persona" based on what they expect in that social interaction). Perhaps he is asking based on an obsession (part of OCD perhaps)...he may not realize it makes you uncomfortable, and it is likely not his intention to do so. That is of course if he is on the autism spectrum, has OCD, etc. He may not and could just be a creep. That is for you to determine based on how you feel. Personally, I don't send pictures to anyone unless I feel comfortable with them having said pictures. It seems you are not comfortable with that idea so I would advise against it. Simply communicate clearly and firmly that it makes you uncomfortable to send him pictures and stick with that. If it makes him unhappy, oh well. He'll eventually get over it (I usually get over my obsessions, if I must, though it takes time and effort), or he'll lose interest and become obsessed with something/someone else. Your safety and comfort are more important than satisfying his obsessions.

[MadRat]

I think I have Asperger´s syndrome in mild form but have not been tested for it. But I have many characteristics of Aspie.

I am not able to make eye contact during the conversation. It is like doing two things at the same time and I can´t do any of them in the end. I´m extremely uncomfortable when someone changes 100X the time of the appointment. Or if someone is in my room and touches my things and changes their positions on the shelves. I can´t stand looking at the pictures on the wall hanging asymetricaly.

I have a hard time to understand things which are not said as they are meant, I need simple and clear explanation.

And I have probably a problem with recongnizing faces too because I tend to recognize dogs who live in the same block of flats but not their owners. :D And when I go to a concert, there´s always someone who knows me from some past concerts but I never know who they are.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I've gotten a verbal confirmation of his condition, now.

Several of you seem to have misinterpreted what I typed in the OP- I was not being dismissive of the recognizing faces issue. I thought my second post made that clear. I was saying "Yeah," as in, I'm pretty darn sure it's autism even though I didn't want to assume. He's taken the picture and everything is fine. We're getting along well. He complimented me on my modest dressing: he's a Mormon. Since, for me, it was related to what clothes I choose to wear, I told him about asexuality.

somerandom, I was referring to the fact that five years is a pretty big age gap to be dating in the context of an undergraduate college campus. Especially so since he's a freshman, and women tend to date older men, not the other way around. Not that I think any of this is "right," or "should be" or whatever, but when social conventions work in my favor, it might make it less awkward to turn people down.