I am happier giving up. Is that ok?

[penamat]

Hello freinds. Well, I discovered I was an asexual around two years ago, which was around the time I stopped dating in general. Since then I have had nothing but problems finding other asexuals. I joined a local group of aseuxals shortly after. I made two long lasting freindships from it that I am very thankful for. However, nothing but drama followed. My views, and the views of my group differed radically. I am a conservative. Plain and simple, and because of it, I feel I was never truly accepted. I left the group a year later because of a woman I met that had joined. I will not go into details, but she hurt me, bad. To the point of wanting to end my life. I was spared, thankfully, and attened thearpy because of it. She was not the only problem. Before and after her there were several asexual women I was attracted to. It never worked out. ( No offense ladies.) Either the other person lost interest in me, or found another person to fawn over. Yes, even after finding asexual members of the oppossite sex, the problems had not changed. Only that Instead of being cheated on and stolen from, I was simply left. This has happened more times than I tend to recall. I fell into alcoholism and depression. It was miserable... Trust me, I am leaving out alot of details. Yet, here recently, I have been fantastic. My job performance has improved tenfold. My drinking has almost 100% subsided. I am a happy person again. Now why is that? Because simply, I gave up on ever meeting a significant other, ever, for as long as I live. I have been happy, even smiling again. I do not feel the need to become stupid drunk any longer. I live for myself, by myself. I gave up on my life long goal of meeting someone romantically and forming a partnership. I look at what happened, and I am amazed. It was as different as day and night. I still occassionally meet asexual females. I entertain the idea of meeting a special someone, but things continue to end the same way. Nothing has changed. Now, when talking to my therapist, she advises that I actually go back to trying to meet "sexuals". Hahaha.. no. Sorry, this post has been all over the place, and I do appologize. The point is that, once I did give up on meeting anyone in this life, my life became much better. No more depression or anxiety. No more wanting to hurt myself. Just me, myself, and my work. I have even starting writing again. To a sexual, giving up can seem as just that. Giving up. But to us asexuals, is this ok? It is soul crushing knowing that, as a straight asexual male, I may never meet anyone.. yet, I have accepted it. I am happier now. Should I be? I am not a quitter at all, yet, for once, I am at peace. What do you, my peers, think?

[Guest]

If it makes you happy, then why on Earth would that be a bad thing? You are happy not finding a date, which is good if that is what you want. People act like finding a date is a big deal and you have to do it, when in reality, it is not something that is highly important to live a happy life, and finding a 'soul mate' or anything like that is next to impossible, and is not something you can find by looking for it, it is something you randomly stumble upon by being yourself.

[Sally]

You may do whatever makes you happy.

[penamat]

If it makes you happy, then why on Earth would that be a bad thing? You are happy not finding a date, which is good if that is what you want. People act like finding a date is a big deal and you have to do it, when in reality, it is not something that is highly important to live a happy life, and finding a 'soul mate' or anything like that is next to impossible, and is not something you can find by looking for it, it is something you randomly stumble upon by being yourself.

Thank you my friend. I guess, my whole life I have been taught to find a mate, I never considered just, being alone. I am happier this way. It gets lonely, sure, I guess I am just not wired that way. I dont have any family, nor do I have many friends, so I am just new to the whole "screw the whole thing" mentality.

[Frigid Pink]

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks - what matters is that you're okay and happy with your choices.

[Amoeba-Proteus]

As long as you're happy, then that's what matters! :)

[Makalasterlove]

For me being single means that you can be comfortable with yourself and be happy with you. I feel like people go into relationships trying to find who they wish to be in someone else. Like polar opposites.

I gave up a long time ago, but now i'm realizing that since im a DMAB. I need to make the first move for a relationship. That was something I never got when I was younger. A trait of masculinity is being assertive with a relationship and I just don't desire one enough. To me, a relationship is no more than having a pet. You have to check up on them all the time basically fulfill their needs in a relationship sense. It doesn't seem ideal to me; I prefer to ride life solo, work on me, and my future.

[Christinanc93]

You know, I think that's fine.I have given up, and honestly, it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I still try to meet asexual friends to understand, but I've given up the idea of a "relationship." I'm open but not looking, it's a peaceful good place to be, and if that's where you are too, nothing wrong with that. If not, perhaps this is only a break.

[Moon Ace]

A lot of people cling, sometimes desperately, to the idea of finding their 'soulmate' and get themselves in all kinds of unhappy and unhealthy situations to fulfil this. Giving up on this means relaxing, like relaxing a cramped muscle. If you look more relaxed I wouldn't be surprised you find what you had initially been looking for....

Good on you! Giving up doesn't have to be negative....

[Rising Sun]

Being single forever can be sad, but how can it compare to the terrible pain of being heartbroken ? In 2014, people are afraid of commitment, they don't want something for life, they want to have the right to take and throw, like a whimsy kid. Wanting a relationship is taking the (high) risk of ruining at least a part of our life and feeling abandoned and betrayed. No relationships = no risk.

[Boo Cat]

Penemat, it's wonderful that you're happy now. You definitely shouldn't look for a "mate" if the bad experiences will crush you. I myself think it would be nice to find an asexual man to spend my life with, but even if I never find him, I'll be fine on my own. It's OKAY to be that way. ^_^ Good luck with your writing!

[Velie]

Oh wow! You're a very strong person. It's fantastic that you're feeling better!

There is nothing wrong with your decision. You're you, and only you know what's best for you.

The way I see things, to be able to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. Who knows, perhaps someone will bump into you later. If not, no big deal, right? You're happy the way you are.

[Astrochelonian]

I think your attitude of assuming a relationship probably won't happen and not pursuing anything, but not being completely closed-off to the possibility if something happens to come along is reasonable. I'm the same way, though I haven't gone through the heartache you have (I'm sorry to hear about that, and I'm glad you are doing better). I do try to put a lot of energy into maintaining friendships, as I do think nonromantic human connections are very important. I am also older and I lean to the conservative side of moderate on many political and social topics. I feel like I don't fit in well with most of the very young, very liberal AVENites (not that I have anything against you lovely people, we are just different).

[Bright Pink]

I don't think you are giving up, I think you are finding yourself at last. I'm sorry that for you it has been such a hard journey. I have been happily without a partner after ending my 25 year marriage 9 years ago.

On my own, my life just got happier and happier. Only myself and my daughter and foster children to please and no sex :)

Now I've fallen in love with a lovely man and he with me. Trouble is I have just found out I am asexual (I thought maybe sex would be better with the right man but it's not) and it's a relief to have a label that fits so well, but I see heartache ahead and wish I could just go back to before we met.

[soMeRandoM670]

Honestly, depending on other person for happiness and everything is bad thing.
It strains a lot things, and if you also feel you happier then good on you.
Honestly I was at point giving up. Still am, I am going be happier dealing with robotics than with partner.

[iamphoenixfire]

you have basically defined for yourself the meaning of absurdism. the world makes no sense and has no meaning that we can understand and once we accept that we are happy. that is basically you and i admire people who can do that. go you.

[MadRat]

Yes, it is much easier for me to give up on dating than try it for the rest of my life with very tiny chance for success.

Men keep hurting me all the time. They mostly insult me, sometimes want to use me for sex.

Even asexuals at local web for aces were so mean to me that I rather left the website, which means I killed the last chance for a relationship because I can´t be with sexual.

I get lonely sometimes, I miss hugs and cuddling and someone who would support me but it is the least of all evils.

[Xavy]

I've had relationship drama as well, nothing as serious as this, but I definitly undertand that giving up on relationship bring a certain peace of mind that is just awesome !