OKC and am I just being an ***hole?

[marki]

Okay.......so my friends are all on OK Cupid and I thought why not give it a go. My problem is that it seems like there are nothing but really big girls on that site in my area. I know it must be tough being a larger girl and all but it just is driving me insane that there are like zero girls who aren't huge on that site. Is it normal for online dating sites to be like that? Is it weird that because I don't want sex I am even more picky about the looks of a partner? I want someone attractive because it makes me feel better to be seen with a beautiful girl, people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

So am I an asshole for feeling that way?

[Guest]

You're probably not going to have much luck dating if you select partners in order to get external validation from the outside world.

[Manic Pixie Dream Nerd]

No, of course not! There's nothing wrong with being picky about looks.

people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

And to be honest, that's actually pretty true. I kind of hate the way people seem to judge you by how good looking your partner is.

[Arf]

I want someone attractive because it makes me feel better to be seen with a beautiful girl, people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

So am I an asshole for feeling that way?

If you personally don't find bigger women attractive, that's one thing. But the part that I quoted above I think is a little questionable. You should date someone because you like them, not because of what other people will think. Also, there are plenty of people who find bigger women attractive/beautiful, so it can vary.

[Zerο]

Shrug you're attracted to who you're attracted to. The importance of aesthetics varies between people. I'm only attracted to slender girls, but that's only the first "filter." Personality is the next one.

Does that limit my dating pool? Sure, but that's something I'm willing to accept. Likewise, I don't take it personally if the other party isn't interested in me (for whatever reason they choose).

From your statement though, it sounds like you want a GF that's some kind of social accessory and that's treading into asshole territory.

[Blinkin]

Well this person here doesn't care how you and your (future) partner look. As long as you are a nice person. But yeah... socity tends to be differend. :/

[Guest]

It's OK to want people who are aesthetically attractive to you. That doesn't make you anything but human. But, you want to be careful using a girl as a way to boost your own social ego. My ex truly liked me, but he got the ego boost from dating a "pretty girl" and made sure all his friends knew it and wanted me to dress up well if we were going to be in crowds so he could get the envy of others and... sorry, but I found it really degrading. I don't want to be a cool fashion accessory.

Though, I doubt the only people on OKcupid in driving distance are larger. Are you just looking at your matches? Might want to expand if you are. Also, some traditionally attractive women don't put their photos up on their profiles, since it just gets them swarmed, but give them out after connecting with someone via talking.

[ThaHoward]

It isn't wrong to prefferpne type pf woman over the other. But if you're going to get a gf I would advice you to get one because you really like her and so on and not so you can get more social acceptance or creds. However it is nothing wrong in being picky about girls you want to date and not liking big girls, however in the end looks doesn't matter the most. As it is much more connection and so on required mentally, so maybe you should give some girls a chance. Or you could of course try to do it the "natural" way or find another dating site if you don't like the current dating pool.

[Christinanc93]

I don't know how to answer this. It's fine not to be attracted to someone but you need to respect them as people. That being said, OKCupid is not for you, my friend. It's primarily for people looking for one night stands and rapists. I was raped and was was the victim of two attempted rapes by people I met on that site. I don't recommend it to anyone.

[Kellykinsss]

I personally don't really understand dating someone based on how they look. A person being attractive is just an added bonus to me. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a certain type of person I just really don't feel like it should be the deciding factor. You shouldn't care what society thinks about who you are with or what they look like. Just be with who makes your happy fat, thin, or otherwise. Also, people wear weight differently.

[Guest]

Okay.......so my friends are all on OK Cupid and I thought why not give it a go. My problem is that it seems like there are nothing but really big girls on that site in my area.

Dude you must say sorry for the the people you hurt on here. So fat people are not good enough for you I guess... Well what ever ... Good luck blah

[marki]

Excuse me? I don't like obeese girls and I will never say sorry about that. I also don't like white girls so should I apologize about that as well?

Give me a break acting like I owe it to the world to apologize about my preferences?

[Tercy]

I want someone attractive because it makes me feel better to be seen with a beautiful girl, people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

There's a small chance this is something that you should think about. Either way, it's your life and you're free to make your own choices (and by extension, you shoulder the consequences).

[flowermoons]

Hey, friend! It's cool that you have preferences and that you're certain about them. There's nothing wrong with that. The only problematic thing that I see is that you could be limiting yourself from some awesome people by refusing to look beyond someone's outward appearance, you know? :) People are people, regardless of their size or color, and it's best to love someone because you love who they are, not because of the reputation they can give you. Love is based on mutual respect. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but be careful about implying that larger girls aren't beautiful or attractive - it could come off as offensive, even if it's just an opinion. (All sizes are equally beautiful)

In the end, your choices are your choices and I think you should do what's best for you. But my advice is to not knock someone just because they aren't someone you'd typically date. You never know!

[WhenSummersGone]

I wouldn't date someone just to be more attractive to others but there's nothing wrong with who you are attracted to. I am also picky and there's nothing wrong with that. I think evolution and biology has this so we find good mates for our children. It makes sense.

[marki]

I don't think a woman who is obeese can be attractive. And when I say obeese I don't mean she has some curves and is a size 5. I mean the girls I'm seeing on this site are dangerously large to the point that it isn't healthy for them.

No ,I'm sure that plenty of bigger girls are nice wonderful people. I'm not saying I would refuse to be friends with a bigger girl.....but when it comes down to what I want in a possibly touchy feely relationship.....I want a girl who is skinny and brown skinned.

[flowermoons]

You're totally entitled to feel how you feel, but all I'm saying is that I know tons of fat women who are gorgeous. The only thing that bothers me about how you're describing your preferences in a partner is that you're using the term "fat" with a negative connotation. It's not a bad thing to be fat. It's not a bad thing to be skinny. Bodies are just bodies. Some people can't help their size because of health issues, or what have you. You can date who you'd like, but I'm just suggesting that you open your mind to a little body positivity. :) It could do us all some good. And I hope you find someone you're happy being with in the future!

[MarieAntoinette]

I want someone attractive because it makes me feel better to be seen with a beautiful girl, people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

So am I an asshole for feeling that way?

hmmm, let me get this straight. You want to use a girl for her looks to boost your self esteem, receive strangers' approval and so called "respect"? Yeah I'd say you aren't the best guy, to answer your question. Sounds like the "obeese" women are lucking out by being excluded from your affections :)

[Larien]

I don't think a woman who is obeese can be attractive. And when I say obeese I don't mean she has some curves and is a size 5. I mean the girls I'm seeing on this site are dangerously large to the point that it isn't healthy for them.

I have no idea in what universe any health professional or anyone else would consider a size 5 presumably adult female with "some curves" to be obese, like, at all ever. Particularly considering you are from a location in America that is not at all far from my own. It's fine if you want to be picky or whatever you want, but keep in mind that if you want a woman to be attracted to you, you should work on trying to not come across as overly-judgmental.

OHAI

[Guest]

Excuse me? I don't like obeese girls and I will never say sorry about that. I also don't like white girls so should I apologize about that as well?

Give me a break acting like I owe it to the world to apologize about my preferences?

If you kept it to your self it would be fine. But you made it public. You can believe what ever you want.

[Christinanc93]

Excuse me? I don't like obeese girls and I will never say sorry about that. I also don't like white girls so should I apologize about that as well?

Give me a break acting like I owe it to the world to apologize about my preferences?

If you don't want other people's opinions, don't ask for them.

[Touchofinsight]

Ultimately you have to decide whats best and what works with you. No your not an "asshole" for having standards. Other people will judge you negatively and call you shallow etc for having a standard that they don't agree with or feel is "extreme". However you need to make sure you make the choices that are best for you and not just the choices that help you "fit in" or feel accepted by everyone because if you don't your just going to end up settling for less. The overwhelming majority of people do have an aesthetic standard, a certain expectation of what they are attracted to, most just aren't going to tell you what that is out of fear of judgment. If you kept bringing different individuals to any one person eventually you'll find people that just aren't attractive enough for them or in some way otherwise flawed in that person's perspective and there isn't anything wrong with that. We have individual tastes and people will judge you for them. That's what you have to learn to get over. You have to learn to compartementalize which judgments are actually important to you. Ideally the judgments and opinions that should have some sway over your decision making are from those who are important to you in your life. Even then you still have to make the decision that is best for you which may mean you take their advice in consideration but still make a different decision. Not based on the judgments from strangers on the internet on a forum, or other spectators in your life.

Does that mean that by having a woman you find attractive or bueatiful make you feel more valuable as a person like you have something more to offer then others.... no. You should strive to find the best partner you can, someone you feel your worth but that also means making your self as valuable to them as you can. Relationships (in general) are about mutual benefit and fulfillment and what each individual wants/needs out of their relationship will vary. Remember make decisions for you, not so you that have the "correct" image of others.

[Guest]

Guys. MOST people have aesthetic preferences. Finding someone attractive based on height, weight, hair color, etc doesn't really make you a jerk. We can't control who we find attractive. There is something wrong with MISTREATING someone based on all of that, but ... marki isn't doing that. My partner finds Paris Hilton type thin girls unattractive. My friend finds any girl bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt unattractive. All these are just preferences. I don't personally have an aesthetic preference, but I understand others do.

Though, yes, marki your choice of wording did come off a little more negative than you probably intended towards people who are heavier than your preference is.

[Diceman]

Same boat- I very rarely find anyone on OKC within a 2 hour drive that I find aesthetically attractive, as I prefer tiny, fragile looking girls as I embrace the hell out of gender stereotypes. The rare instances where I find a girl who is both attractive to me and has an interesting profile they never respond to my messages most likely due to the fact I make my asexuality public and nobody on there is looking for an asexual guy. For all the complaining girls do about creepy dating site guys who message them for sex, guys who message them saying they want a relationship that will never lead to sex seem to be just as creepy =P

[marki]

Wow....so people are not understanding how to read what I was trying to say at all I feel like.

Didn't say I hate all fat people. I just don't find them attractive. I'm allowed to not find everything in this world attractive.

Of course it is important that I firstly find someone who is interesting to me. However, in my case I find that to require a specific body type. I am not attracted to large women ( and my example said a size 5 wasn't large) because I like skinny girls. I also am not attracted to white girls of any body size or shape. And yes I live in a shallow state where having a cute girl at your side does get you better treatment by other people so why not take advantage of that bonus? Girls use their looks all the time to get things in their favour, I should be allowed to piggy back off that skill if I'm with a cute girl.

[Guest]

I don't think you and I are on the same ok cupid site Marki haha. I am constantly getting self conscious because there are just so many darned attractive women on there! sure some are heavier (though I still think bigger girls are attractive too) but i would honestly say the majority I come across are my size or smaller (i'm certainly not a big girl)

I will point out quickly that, as other people have said here, a partner should make you feel good because you love each other, not because of what other people think of the way she looks (!)

oh and, yes I am in a relationship :P I am only still on ok cupid because 1) my profile is awesome and I don't want to delete it and 2) I am looking for platonic friendships nothing more :)

[Guest]

Same boat- I very rarely find anyone on OKC within a 2 hour drive that I find aesthetically attractive, as I prefer tiny, fragile looking girls as I embrace the hell out of gender stereotypes. The rare instances where I find a girl who is both attractive to me and has an interesting profile they never respond to my messages most likely due to the fact I make my asexuality public and nobody on there is looking for an asexual guy. For all the complaining girls do about creepy dating site guys who message them for sex, guys who message them saying they want a relationship that will never lead to sex seem to be just as creepy =P

haha I was on there for aaaages looking for a sexless (yet still caring and intimate) relationship with a like minded asexual guy :P.. I only had one guy message me saying he didn't like sex, and (his words) that's because he has a 10.5 inch dong so he can't 'fit' haha. I gave up on the whole dating thing after that, decided (quite happily) that I'd remain single the rest of my life and joined AVEN in the hopes of making like-minded friends.. I met my partner in AVEN chat the same week I joined haha :P funny how things work out :)

[Philip027]

Girls use their looks all the time to get things in their favour, I should be allowed to piggy back off that skill if I'm with a cute girl.

wow

Yeah, that makes you sound like a real catch. I don't know why these OKC girls aren't throwing themselves at your feet.

[jebadesu]

Your preferences are your own. And that's all okay.

What I have a problem with is that apparently you view women as some sort of possession to show off and to carry around. You do understand that women are human beings with personalities and are not there just to look "pretty" for you.

A lot of what you said actually made me really uncomfortable. You talk about how being seen with a beautiful woman would give you respect - but where is the respect for her? And I would even understand it if you were maybe a teenage boy, but you're an adult, you should know better than this.

Anyway, good luck with dating and I hope you find someone who meets your standards - but just please, treat them as a person and not a trophy.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing.

It is totally up to you to determine what you find attractive and what you do not.

It is also up to you to determine why you want to be with a girl and why you don't.

Don't listen to people with social agendas who don't APPROVE of your choices or your priorities. So long as you are not hurting yourself or others, you are fine. If you want a trophy girlfriend, that is fine too. Women sometimes have trophy boyfriends and it happens all the time.

I get really angry with pontificating people who feel they have to approve of a man's choices in women. It is all up to you to decide, and be sure you do it without apology.

I am big on honesty with others, so you do want to communicate your desires and wishes to women upfront. If they are ok with it, it is ok and you are ok. Ignore the "relationship police" both here and in life.

Just for the record, I am a 47 y/o, black male who exclusively dates women in the 20 to 25 year old range. I only date rail thin women, and I only date brunettes with southern European looks. There are many people who hate the fact that I like young women, thin women, and European women exclusively. Apparently, for many people it is only acceptable for me to like women my age, obese, and black only. I enjoy watching these "disapprovers" squirm as do what I want to do.

The lesson here is do what you want, as you want, how you want (So long as you are honest and not hurting anyone.) If you let the "disapprovers" influence you, you have lost in the most profound way!