Being Along

[Dark_Side_]

Hello everyone, I was just wondering how other people deal with the idea of being alone "forever". At this point I'm 25 and don't really have any close relationships. I've always been a bit of a loner but I kind of long for one of those emotionally close relationships. The only person I'm truly close to is my mother. That isn't to say that I don't have friends but the relationships I have with them are pretty casual and don't have much depth. While I don't really mind being alone and doing my own thing most of the time but there are things in life I want to enjoy someone else and I'm starting to realize that may not be in the cards for me. I'm just hoping other people might share their experiences of what its like to go it on their own.

[Chewy]

I am the same way and I feel the same way. However, I am not close to my family. I like to be able to share happiness with another person, things like travelling, etc.

[Zerο]

It has never really bothered me. I've always been a very independent person and although I have a good circle of close friends and family I like to maintain a certain degree of emotional distance. I like traveling and going out with others, but it doesn't need to be a girlfriend.

[wyrdwyrm]

I've always been all right on my own, though as I get older and more of my sexual friends pair off and settle down, I kind of wish I had a special person of my own too - someone who's companionship I can count on down the road.

Still, if I never find that person I'll be okay anyway. :)

[defaultuser]

I deal with this idea pretty fine. Attachment leads to suffering is kinda my credo. Besides... there's no reason to feel yourself lonely, you always have your subconscious (even though I don't like my subconscious much). I think it also depends on how your define yourself, I don't consider myself as a person, so all social problems don't affect me. I never had any close relationships, well, at least they weren't sincere. Later I learned that if you like someone, you should copy/paste this person into your mind, or at least the part of this person that you like, or try to emulate this trait in yourself, kinda like chameleon. I'm very empathic, so I can emulate emotions that I don't really feel, also I learned to be a good liar. Funny though, I hated to lie earlier in my life.

Well, and there's certainly no reason to be attached to someone; emotions, relationships, people come and go, the only thing that you will always possess is yourself.

[Ashmedai]

deal with the idea of being alone "forever"

Whoever told me that the concept of lonelyness exists lied to me. I spend a lot of time by myself, and never have had a partner, nor do I particularly want one. "Alone Forever" doesn't bother me. I don't even really think about it. I find it confusing sometimes when people talk about it negatively.

[Guest]

I am quite comfortable with the thought of being "forever alone". I will never be completely alone since I like pets, might get a kid on my own and have my brothers etc, but the partner bit - yea, forever alone :D

I have always been able to entertain myself, so being alone don't affect me in any bad way at all.

[Beeze]

Darkside, I am in a similar boat as you. I fear being forever alone, but not in the way that I feel the need for a romantic partner. I truly believe I would be satisfied by having a few reliable, close friends. I have moved to a town where I don't really know any body, and this loneliness is really getting to me. I wish I had some advice, but I don't, so take comfort that you are not alone in feeling alone ;)

[Guest]

The number of years does not really matter. Sometimes things change out of the blue. You are not alone if you have friends /pets /pillow. So you might be alone but you are never alone. Feeling alone is like looking up at the sky and seeing a lone star. That lone star not might not see the other stars around but they are around. So try and change the way you view things. Our eyes tend to only notice some things. Good luck and your still young so dont worry.

[Guest]

I know what you mean, I am usually fine on my own, but sometimes I feel so alone, and I just want a hug from somebody really close. I want somebody I can share everything with, even though most of the time I can handle doing mostly loner stuff. Sometimes I hold my bird, pet my cats, do some training with my fish (I teach them to do tricks like wave with their fins), or just watch videos of other people's pets when I am feeling extra lonely.

[Squawk]

I'm not particularly concerned about the concept of being by myself, but the practical implications are a bit worrisome. For example, if I become sick and can't leave the house, and need help for this or that, but nobody can help me out because there IS NOBODY AROUND. Also, rent, and bills. All around it would be ideal to find some sort of permanent roommate who would be respectful and mindful of your personal space, and didn't require too much attention, but would still be willing to socialize a bit from time to time, when you felt necessary (yeah, I realize this sounds pretty selfish, haha).

This is practically impossible though, I think. Realistically speaking.

There are some ace forums dating sites around though, you might want to try your luck with that.

[Guest]

Mh. I've come to accept that I - and everyone stuck in a physical body - is pretty much existentially alone forever... so every little bit of human interaction kinda becomes a nice bonus. And these boni can sum up quite well. ;)


Quote because it fits like a glove:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969. a.k.a. "the Gestalt prayer".

[Member54880]

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

[butterflydreams]

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

I could hug you to death for this. (Not too keen on prison though, so I'll refrain and offer instead).

As someone who has placed what others have viewed as excessive emphasis and effort on non-romantic relationships, I hurts so much when people say they "don't count". As though because I've never had a romantic relationship at 26, I must be either damaged, weird or unable to have one. People have said that to me, and dismissed me as a potential romantic partner because of it. Sure, in the long run I'm probably better off without people like that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurts a lot. It hurts when I don't get the level of support someone who just broke up with a romantic partner gets when my best friend and I fall out. That's not right.

And yes, I am very, very independent and alone, but I do get very lonely from time to time. It would be so nice to know that there was someone who cared that I was even here at all. Someone to offer a hug. That lack hurts.

There are of course "practical" issues as well. My parents hate it when I say I'm going to do such-and-such by myself. I get really upset and defensive about that. Like, "oh, so I should just do nothing until someone finally decides I'm worth it?" I'm sorry, but fuck that. If it means I die on some mountain somewhere because I fall and can't get help, or get hit by a car and slide down an embankment on my bike and no one helps...so be it. That doesn't even feel like a choice to me at all. I always told people when I was in high school and college that I didn't expect to live past 30, for any number of reasons. Hell, a lot of them thought I wouldn't make it this far. I have no problem "helping" to make that a reality if it means I get to do shit I love without waiting for someone else.

[coyote55]

I'm not particularly concerned about the concept of being by myself, but the practical implications are a bit worrisome. For example, if I become sick and can't leave the house, and need help for this or that, but nobody can help me out because there IS NOBODY AROUND.

As I get older I realize this is something I'll have to deal with too. I have good relationships with friends and family members, but none live close by. My neighbors are OK, but tend to be transient and aren't the sorts I would feel comfortable with leaning on during an emergency. Two recent examples got me thinking about this:

-I had to have a knee operation last year. Most hospitals now require a commitment from a caregiver to stay with you after an operation before they will even schedule it. Fortunately I could work it around my brother in law's schedule and he drove for several hours to accept me when I was discharged and stay with me overnight (bless him!). This isn't the sort of favor you can ask of someone very often, though.

- While hiking alone on a sunny but cold winter afternoon, I lost all my keys- only had a spare entry key for my car with me. (That was my first mistake). I was in a remote area 10 miles from the nearest town, and there was no one else in the area. I had a warm sleeping bag and water in the car, so it wasn't an emergency, but having no food and no one to call who could come and pick me up really sucked. Ended up spending a very cold night in the car and walking for almost 4 hours the next day to a gas station- with no food- where I was able to call for a taxi. Two hours and $60 later I had myself and car back at home. Friends are really nice to have, especially when they're close!

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I can relate. I've never had a really close friendship with anyone, and the thought of being alone forever scares me. I have no specific consolation, but keep your hopes up for the right [insert type of companion you wish for here](s). It's never too late.

[FiddleKid]

I'm perfectly happy going life alone, I have close family for social contact but even that is limited, I never want a relationship though or any affection from anyone. Though I am quite content with being alone, I enjoy my own company.

[foolishseedling]

Hello everyone, I was just wondering how other people deal with the idea of being alone "forever". At this point I'm 25 and don't really have any close relationships. I've always been a bit of a loner but I kind of long for one of those emotionally close relationships. The only person I'm truly close to is my mother. That isn't to say that I don't have friends but the relationships I have with them are pretty casual and don't have much depth. While I don't really mind being alone and doing my own thing most of the time but there are things in life I want to enjoy someone else and I'm starting to realize that may not be in the cards for me. I'm just hoping other people might share their experiences of what its like to go it on their own.

I'm 24, apart from my mother I have my sister too, but I'm not easy to live with, so despite being quite close they don't really like me.

I have always been able to entertain myself, so being alone don't affect me in any bad way at all.

Basically me too, but I still miss company.

And yes, I am very, very independent and alone, but I do get very lonely from time to time. It would be so nice to know that there was someone who cared that I was even here at all. Someone to offer a hug. That lack hurts.

Sometimes I think I've been lonely all my life. I get on well with almost everyone, but got my first "real" friend (not "real" because the others were fictional, but people you talk with mostly about school and weather - I don't consider them friends) less than 2 years ago.

It makes me feel sad when even my family members don't understand me - I don't mean the misunderstood teenager stuff, I'm just often happy

about things they don't care for, or sad about things they think are stupid, or interested in things they don't like. And I learned that people don't like hearing my complaints, but I often can't share good things either, because nobody is interested.

I haven't given up completely, but no boyfriends or possible spouses yet.

[Rising Sun]

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

Interesting post. It also makes me think, on the opposite, how some people are "technically" not alone (they have a family, friends, a partner...), but they're still lonely because nobody really understands them. From my own experience, I can guarantee that being alone is much less painful than being lonely because of only bad relationships. Being alone is a much smaller pain than being permanently heartbroken and misunderstood.

[Guest]

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

Interesting post. It also makes me think, on the opposite, how some people are "technically" not alone (they have a family, friends, a partner...), but they're still lonely because nobody really understands them. From my own experience, I can guarantee that being alone is much less painful than being lonely because of only bad relationships. Being alone is a much smaller pain than being permanently heartbroken and misunderstood.

I actually feel lonelier when I'm among people whom I can't connect to and where there's no understanding between us, than when I'm physically alone and at rest with myself. So yup, +1.

[NamTar]

It's never bothered me. In fact, I consider it the ideal situation and can't even imagine myself getting into another relationship now that I've realized how much better I like being single.

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

I'm just going to quote this post, because I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Heart]

This thread has been moved from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships.

Heart

Asexual Q&A Moderator

[Dark_Side_]

Its nice knowing that other people are in the same spot as me. Most of my friends are at the point where they are engaged or already married. Part the pressure I feel comes from seeing all of them paired off doing things together. The other part of the pressure comes from my family, they constatntly ask whether I've met some or if I'm making any effort to do it.

[imgone]

See, for me, I need solitude or I start to get stressed out. I have very low social needs. It takes me a long time to miss people. Just started college and not really having anyone around has been working out pretty well for me. I'm happier and healthier. I'm a bit of a pushover, so in high school I ran into a lot of problems where I would sometimes be guilted/pressured by my friends to hang out when I really did not have the energy for it. My social needs were met in that school environment, and I needed the weekends to myself. But a lot of people have a hard time relating to this. My new arrangement also works out pretty well as my boyfriend, who is pretty much my best friend right now, is still in high school, and I live close enough that I can see him from time to time, but far away enough that I still get my space. It helps that we have similar social needs. The downside to me being so close is that one of my more overbearing friends is still in high school, as well, and I don't like the pressure she puts on me to hang out with her/how offended she gets when she tells me she misses me and I admit it's not yet mutual. You can be very happy alone. Personally, a few close relationships and several casual (nondemanding!) ones are all I need. Plus family. If I'm in a relationship we need to both be a little independent or someone is going to end up unhappy. I need to stop letting people pressure me. Feeling antisocial sometimes is OK!

[paperwishes]

I'm 22 and I'm going through the exact same thing :( I like being "alone", as in I like being independent and spending time by myself. But I wish I had someone to love and to love me, and all that mushy stuff. Sigh. Nights are hard.

[Guest]

I'm 22 and I'm going through the exact same thing :( I like being "alone", as in I like being independent and spending time by myself. But I wish I had someone to love and to love me, and all that mushy stuff. Sigh. Nights are hard.

Nights are the hardest for me, especially when I can not sleep and I wish I had somebody to hold. It makes the night feel so much longer and darker.

[paperwishes]

I'm 22 and I'm going through the exact same thing :( I like being "alone", as in I like being independent and spending time by myself. But I wish I had someone to love and to love me, and all that mushy stuff. Sigh. Nights are hard.

Nights are the hardest for me, especially when I can not sleep and I wish I had somebody to hold. It makes the night feel so much longer and darker.

Same. I always feel fine all day until I go to bed :(

[Guest]

I'm 22 and I'm going through the exact same thing :( I like being "alone", as in I like being independent and spending time by myself. But I wish I had someone to love and to love me, and all that mushy stuff. Sigh. Nights are hard.

Nights are the hardest for me, especially when I can not sleep and I wish I had somebody to hold. It makes the night feel so much longer and darker.

Same. I always feel fine all day until I go to bed :(

Sometimes I can feel a little better if I just have somebody to talk to about it. If you ever need anybody to talk to, my PM box is always open.

[Touchofinsight]

It is my belief that if you aren't happy being alone that you probably aren't ready for a relationship. You first have to learn to love your self and be content with your life so you can be a well adjusted individual who's ready to share their life with another person. You don't have to be some perfect person but you should be able to function in a healthy way with or without a romantic partner. Then you can share your happiness and success with each other in life but let me get off my train to utopia and live in the real world....

Next stop UNICORNS!!!!!

[Member54880]

Interesting post. It also makes me think, on the opposite, how some people are "technically" not alone (they have a family, friends, a partner...), but they're still lonely because nobody really understands them. From my own experience, I can guarantee that being alone is much less painful than being lonely because of only bad relationships. Being alone is a much smaller pain than being permanently heartbroken and misunderstood.

I've felt that too. The sense of isolation, when being surrounded by others, but knowing that they don't, or won't understand, is painful.

There's a big difference between being alone, and being lonely. I dislike that society as a whole conflates them, and also says that not having romantic relationships must equal being alone (devaluing non-romantic relationships as not 'counting'), which must equal being lonely. I'm usually not bothered by being alone, and have been independent for a long time, but I understand wanting to do things with other people, but feel lonely because there aren't others, or at least not others you have a deeper connection with than just being casual friends.

I'm just going to quote this post, because I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks! :D