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Asexual Dating Pool Frustrations


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Marshmallow Tree

Before I knew I was asexual I accepted the fact that I may never find someone due to me not wanting sex.

The phrase 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' just doesn't seem to apply to us...It's rare enough to find a sexual who's willing to never have sex that if I do I'm probably not even going to be compatible with them. I'm someone who's comfortable with that but I understand some others find this very distressing.

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But the type of relationship i want is very specific. I will only be in polyamorous relationships.

Yep. I have the same criterion, and I won't compromise on that... and this, all by itself, makes the "pool" drastically smaller. Most people are monogamous - be it by nature or by habit, both is possible, but it doesn't matter in the end - and this will immediately take them off my list of potential partners, because that's incompatible with my wants and needs.

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I can really relate to the OP, having suffered through years of the same results by dating from the general pool. Every guy I dated always wanted more and thought the boundaries I drew were going to fall down if they stayed with me long enough. I never wanted to do anything sexual, and made myself sick with guilt every time I "denied" my partner or pretended to enjoy the physical attention. Maybe if I dated enough allosexuals I would find one willing to work on my level, but I'm not sure it's worth the heartache. I even tried online dating as an "out" asexual, and had a few allosexual guys interested in me, but there was no compatibility and in the back of my mind I kept wondering if they were really OK with my asexuality.

The response to this is, obviously, "Why don't you try dating asexuals?" The last time someone asked me this I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation because I haven't been able to find anyone to date! Yes, there are tons of us out there, but I'm guessing the vast, vast majority are either closeted or unaware of their asexuality. And you most likely have to find someone online, or live in an area with enough asexuals to muster a meet-up.

The idea of long-distance dating does not appeal to me at all. I need that person to have a physical presence for two reasons: a) I'm not great at and don't really enjoy non-face-to-face communication that much and b) I want to be able to do things with them: visit places with them, watch movies together, take walks holding hands, eat at restaurants with them, cook for them, cuddle with them, etc.

I've looked for aces in my area and even tried to organize meet-ups. I've searched Acebook, Asexualitic, OKCupid, AVEN. Nada. I've found a few local people who balked at the idea of meeting in person. I can't even find any male aces to meet IRL (and very, very few female aces) to see if we're compatible. The dating pool is so microscopic it is practically nonexistent. So frustrating and so very lonely. :(

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Crealityisabeast

OH MY GOD YES!!! I was talking about that last might at my job with an asexual lady that I work with. I was frustrated that there were no guys in my area (I'm hetero romantic) that I feel I would be able to date. I say that because I feel like most people in relationships will want sex at some point, and that is something I don't think I could compromise on. My friend (she's homo romantic) was saying that she had gotten into an arguement with her girlfriend over sex, or the lack of sex (I don't know), in the relationship.l

It's just frustrating, I would like to have that sort of emotional intimacy with someone, but dont think I have anyone even within a few hours of me. ( basically I wish more people knew about asexuality, because maybe more people would be able to identify and stop thinking that there is something off/wrong with them)

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I've looked for aces in my area and even tried to organize meet-ups. I've searched Acebook, Asexualitic, OKCupid, AVEN. Nada. I've found a few local people who balked at the idea of meeting in person. I can't even find any male aces to meet IRL (and very, very few female aces) to see if we're compatible. The dating pool is so microscopic it is practically nonexistent. So frustrating and so very lonely. :(

While it can certainly be very frustrating to "date" as an asexual, there are certainly many other ways to combat and deal with loneliness than "date" and/or find a romantic partner. If loneliness is a concern for you, then I highly suggest you think of other ways to deal with it, especially considering there are people who are in a romantic relationship and still experience loneliness.

I found this website during a quick search and thought it might be helpful to anyone who currently experiences loneliness: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/overcoming-loneliness/#.VCsyF47d2_I

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Manic Pixie Dream Nerd

Well, the thing is, I'm so close to being aromantic that I'm not even sure if I actually want to date people. So if I found a good match, I'd probably think, "Alright, that's good," but if I don't ever find anyone who's willing to date me, I'd be pretty fine with that too.

Now, the thing that REALLY bothers me is how hard it is to be friends with a straight guy without him developing romantic interests for you. Wait, no, that doesn't even bother me all that much. Most of the guys I've ever been friendly with didn't seem to like me that way anyway XD

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I solidified my asexuality by dating a sexual person for seven months. I really really liked him, but there was no way it was going to work in the long term. We were just completely incompatible in that way.

It was a good experience in some ways, but it also makes me feel "forever alone" because, as you all have said, it's going to be very hard to find anyone who is compatible in all respects... who likes the same things that I do, and who has the traits that I value, and who can put up with me, and love to hug and cuddle and stuff, but not want to ever go farther.

I don't think I could ever go on a blind date, especially with a sexual person. I could go on a date with someone that I knew fairly well, maybe... I dunno, it really depends. It is all very frustrating. :wacko:

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  • 1 month later...
ChainSmokingBob

You're likely not giving anyone a chance, OP. If you go around every day worried talking yourself out of any opportunity you might have before you get it, what exactly do you think is going to happen?

I wish you luck, because being lonely is extremely tiresome, but you are going to have to give things a chance.

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SorryNotSorry

Doesn't it seem like dating in general is forcing us all to become more ESP-dependent?

Once you can develop your ESP to the point where you can read people's minds, you'll have no problem finding compatible partners. If you're not a mind-reader, then you're just shit out of luck.

That's the way it feels from my POV as a shy guy in any romantic group setting.

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littleyellowdifferent

I am just realIzing that I am probably asexual - most likely demisexual. I thought the fact that I wasn't sexually attracted to most people was a factor of my wanting sex and love to go hand in hand. I always thought I was just old-fashioned and a hopeless romantic. But upon reading info on this site, I realize that sexual attraction isn't something you control and my lack of it is likely significant. I haven't dated much because I haven't been attracted to many people (sexually or romantically) and I also have self-esteem issues. Sex wasn't the main reason for me not dating. There are lots of things I don't like about myself and I couldn't imagine someone loving me. Understanding that I need to have a strong emotional bond with someone before I can be in a sexual relationship - this clarifies some things, but I'm not sure it changes much for me with regard to dating. I still think finding someone who could love me is about as likely as winning the lottery. The idea of dating scares me because I don't want to get hurt emotionally, or hurt someone else by not being what they want. I'm 41 years old and the dating scene seems pretty bleak - asexual or not! Even taking sex out of the equation, I think it is hard to find someone you are compatible with.

Perhaps reading more about sexuality and other people's experiences with relationships may give me courage to try and put myself out there. I should have quoted it, but I don't recall which post is was from - someone mentioned that regretting something you did and regretting not doing something were equally painful (paraphrase). If that's true, then shouldn't you try? Because if you try, you may get the outcome you want.

Sorry, don't have any brilliant insights. Just wanted to post my thoughts.

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I'm not too fussed about the dating pool. At the moment all the people I'm romantically attracted to end up being the type who smoke weed and stuff, even if they seem lovely to start with, and any kind of drug use is an instant No for me. I guess I'm 'fussy' but I don't care, I have best friends and that suits me fine at the moment.

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I'm not too fussed about the dating pool. At the moment all the people I'm romantically attracted to end up being the type who smoke weed and stuff, even if they seem lovely to start with, and any kind of drug use is an instant No for me. I guess I'm 'fussy' but I don't care, I have best friends and that suits me fine at the moment.

I have had the same problem before!

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No brilliant insights from me either, but just wanted to kind of affirm all the stuff that's been said, especially in regards to "I'm picky enough as it is this is just gonna be a nightmare." I have best friends and that's awesome! and I am definitely happy with the relationships I have, especially with my friends and my family. But I would like something more and it's difficult enough for me to find people to connect with. Even before I knew I was ace, with my last boyfriend I made it very clear sex was not on the table, and he basically couldn't take my Noping anymore and ended it. I've met a couple of sexuals who say they'd be okay with no sex, but I've seen how that goes. So I'd like to be optimistic, but the data isn't encouraging. Then again, one data point is not a trend, I know.

And the worst part is I'm way too shy to meet other aces in my area, even from meetups scheduled on the forums. Never go alone to meet people from the internet, all that good stuff. It definitely gets hopeless sometimes.

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scarletlatitude

Agreed with everything above. All of you, everything, yes. :)

I tried for a long time to find males to date. I never thought the "three dates means sex" thing was real... but I suppose it is. All of those guys cut it off after a few dates with no sex. I'm not that concerned anymore, since now I know that I am an ace and it wouldn't have worked anyway. But it is depressing to think that in my very, very, very, very, very, VERY rural town, the chances of finding an ace male is smaller than the chances of being run over by a cow while winning the lottery.

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