Asexual Dating Pool Frustrations

[Anime Pancake]

This is really long and may not be well organized. So yeah, turn back now!

Anyone else get discouraged at the small dating pool that asexuals have?

I already know some of you are going to ask 'What's a dating pool?'
I just mean like a general group of people that an individual is willing to date. Obviously each of us has our own preferences, standards, exceptions, etc but just work with me here please : P


I mean thankfully there are many asexuals online, but I have always found it kind of difficult to find someone to date in general, even back when I thought I was heterosexual. But now I feel like if I'm not willing to compromise, my dating pool is restricted to like one website.

Yeah.

It sucks going out and seeing people each and every day, people that may have the same interests as me, that our personalities may have good chemistry, THAT LIVE NEAR ME and then almost instantly thinking 'I'm not compatible with them'

It sucks.

I'm just saying random things that's on my mind right now, honestly. Anyone else get discouraged by this?

Whenever I go out and meet people, and ask them to hang out, I personally know that I'm only looking for friendship with them (even though I might want to date them if I felt we were both compatible on a sexual level), but they don't necessarily know that I am just looking for friendship. They may be thinking that maybe we get could closer and be cool, but most of the time I automatically think that would not work.

Most people are sexual->sexual people enjoy and desire sex-> I'm not sexual-> Things wouldn't work out

Then I think, well hey, maybe I could compromise.

Although MAYBE I would be willing to compromise ONLY with someone I super trust and have been with for a long time, I still don't think that would work.

1) I would only be willing to do the most basic things, like male area into female area. Absolutely nothing else.

Most sexual people seem to want a lot more than that. They want to get creative and use all kind of body parts and I'm like heck no.

If I got with a sexual person, was willing to do basic sex, then they would still want to do other types of sex. So then they would eventually leave me anyway, even though I put a LOT of effort into doing sex at all in the first place.

Plus lots of people these days aren't even loyal in their relationships either, so why would I abandon my preferences just to end up being abandoned, lied to, or cheated on eventually?

Which pretty much answers my own question. That I should simply not date a sexual person

(which is the conclusion that I came to quite some time ago)

Okay fine. So then what about dating an asexual person?

I guess those of us that want ace-ace relationships just have to be patient.

It's discouraging though. For me personally.

I rarely meet people that I'm interested in, and when I do they usually leave the online community or they live on the other side of the planet or they're just not interested.

Sorry for ranting or talking or babbling or whatever I'm doing.

Ehhh

Gets so annoying sometimes.

And then lots of relationships never even end up working out anyway.

Sorry I know I'm saying lots of things, this is just what's going on in my head right now.

Anyone else feel the same way or anything?

[Zapstileon]

I've felt this way for quite some time. Sexual people will eventually want more, require more than I can give them. And where (except maybe here), do you even find an Ace person? I mean, you can't just go up to someone and go 'I like you, I'd by you a drink, but are you sexual?'. If only it were that simple. I wouldn't even compromise as far as you would. Maybe (and that's a seriously strong maybe) I would consider helping my partner get off using my hands, but I want them nowhere near my private area. Note the private. It's private, so get away from it. That's largely how I think. Sex isn't a part of what I would be willing to do. Whenever I meet people, I always think "So what if they like me? They are going to want sex sometime, and that's the end of that."
I wouldn't compromise mainly because it would mean that eventually, they would want more, whether more of me or more in general, and so they would leave me and I'd be all alone. I can't bring myself to trust someone who might leave me because I won't give them sex or participate in sex or whatever you want to call it.
So, yes, I know how you feel, man. It sucks. I usually tell people early on that I am ace, though. Whether it's a friend or someone aiming to be more than that, I feel like it's easier to say it early, rather than wait until there is a potential for a relationship, because then there is a great chance that the person will expect something of me that I can't provide, and when they find out, they will probably be really disappointed and leave, in which case we will probably both end up hurt and angry. Better to tell them early and if they are still in, then great. If they are not, then no harm no foul, right? Since neither got attached in the first place, I mean. Sadly, that scares away more people than it keeps close.

[butterflydreams]

I'll say that I wish people didn't just draft up an entire narrative about who I must be because I say I'm asexual. Like, oh, really, you know everything about me? You know I won't ever do sex? You know I won't want to touch or be touched? You know I'm damaged somehow? Wrong. Wrong. So very wrong.

I found this to be most difficult with people online. Yeah, I put it right out there that I was asexual, and I asked that instead of thinking that they knew exactly what that meant for me, they should ask. Few did. But you know, even that upset me. Because one, I'm not your google, and two, I'm a unique person. If you really want to know me you have to get to know me. There's just no other way.

The most discouraging part was the sheer number of people who were totally dissuaded by that one word: asexual. Seriously? I mean, great, I don't have to waste any time with you, but damn, that was so discouraging. I'd really like to think that most people are more open minded than that.

[Exanimis]

I wish I could relate to you man.

I'm going to refer to you as man I hope it isn't a problem.

It seems you are puting things ahead of their time like, you meet someone and then you already want to know if they are sexual/asexual, want to know if they want friendship/romantic relationship, and then you start already pre-planning what you're gonna say if they want something you don't and you to be made clear.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who also want just some good ol' cozy friendship too. Let that happen, don't think about too much of what would happen or what will happen.

It seems that I am over simplifying but my tiny little brain is simple. Stupid actually, it is a better word.

And hey, lesson learned man.

It is better to regret your experiences than the lack of it imho.

[Frigid Pink]

I definitely relate to the feelings expressed in this post as I felt very similarly in the not too distant past. It is quite frustrating to have such a small dating pool, however, I realized over the past year just how many people (sexual, asexual, and in between) are compatible with me, more than I'd have time to pursue and form romantic relationships with, and that was quite a nice discovery!

Most sexuals may want more than "basic sex," however, there are those of them who don't and there are people out there who are compatible with you (just as you are!). I don't think you have to rule out sexuals in order to find someone who is compatible with you. I think you have to rule out those who aren't compatible with you (that can actually include asexuals!). I think that also means you have to really be honest with yourself about what you can accept about someone else and what you can't. Ultimately, you want your romantic relationship to add happiness to your life, so, it's important to figure these things out (incompatibilities, non-negotiables, deal breakers) before ever pursuing or entering into a romantic relationship with someone.

I dated some aces (at a distance) and it didn't work out because long distance doesn't work for me. It is very difficult to meet local aces that I'm romantically interested in or compatible with and as a demi-romantic, it's even harder (in general). I found that my pace is much slower than most (sexual, asexual, and in between) and, well, that's an incompatibility for me (and another factor that narrows the dating pool for me), however, I want monogamy in my romantic relationships, so, it really only takes one person. I only need to meet and develop an emotional connection with one person, which, to me, is a much more hopeful perspective to take on the matter (so that's what I do!).

I've dated sexuals, too, and all my romantic relationships have been with sexuals. As I learned more about myself, what my needs and wants are, and what are incompatibilities for me, I made better choices about the people I chose to pursue or be with romantically. It didn't matter if they made my heart skip a beat, I thought they were an amazing person, or I felt butterflies around them. If I discovered an incompatibility, then, as difficult as it is, I learned to "let go" and "move on."

Basically, I'd like to reiterate that there are sexuals out there who are compatible with you just as there are aces who aren't. I wouldn't limit my dating pool to only aces because most sexuals are a certain way. I wouldn't have met my current romantic partner if I'd done that. Of course, that's what has worked for me, and everyone is different, so, take what you want and leave the rest.

Good luck!

[Frigid Pink]

I'll say that I wish people didn't just draft up an entire narrative about who I must be because I say I'm asexual. Like, oh, really, you know everything about me? You know I won't ever do sex? You know I won't want to touch or be touched? You know I'm damaged somehow? Wrong. Wrong. So very wrong.

I found this to be most difficult with people online. Yeah, I put it right out there that I was asexual, and I asked that instead of thinking that they knew exactly what that meant for me, they should ask. Few did. But you know, even that upset me. Because one, I'm not your google, and two, I'm a unique person. If you really want to know me you have to get to know me. There's just no other way.

The most discouraging part was the sheer number of people who were totally dissuaded by that one word: asexual. Seriously? I mean, great, I don't have to waste any time with you, but damn, that was so discouraging. I'd really like to think that most people are more open minded than that.

... and that's why I don't use the term "asexual" initially. I make statements about myself and preferences first and then later introduce the term. I find that works much better as far as someone getting to know me and avoids misunderstandings.

[Guest]

Yeah, I think that realistically, the dating pool is tiny indeed. I wouldn't expect more than 1 in 100.000 people to be sufficiently compatible with me, and even less than that being a really good fit. Which doesn't worry me, as I don't feel like I need a partner relationship in my life, anyway - as long as I have a small-but-non-zero number of friends, I'm game.

And still, I ended up "winning that lottery" without half trying when I stumbled upon R. six years ago... which is really strange, come to think of it. But strange in a good way. :)

[PlanetF]

Having been in previous relationships, this is something that I've been thinking about a bit...

After a lot of thought, I decided to imagine life if I stayed single. Would I be happy? Would I feel fulfilled? And actually, after some thought, I felt that, yes, yes I could be happy if I stayed single or unattached. I can still have a "family", and I'll still have a tight circle of a friend family.

So I came to the position that wouldn't actively search for "the one - who also happens to not like sexy time". Instead, I'll go forward with the position of staying unattached, while still working at meeting new people. And if at some point I click with someone and it turns into something more, I'd inform them at the outset of my feelings on things done in bed other than sleep. If that was ok, then maybe we could go forward. If not, then we would already have a connection that hopefully could remain as friendship.

It's almost freeing!

[Guest]

Dating does it really work? I for the matter do not date... I just connect with someone and its a need and see level.

[Ricki]

I see everyone I meet as acquantances/friendships/Mortal Nemisis' but it definitely effects who I can get close to. I hardly talk to any females that aren't on here, because they will see what I do as flirting. Guys tend to be more lenient when it comes down to another guy saying something whereas I guess it's socially programmed somewhere that a guy will come onto a girl. 'Friend-zones' is the place that everyone complains about, yet it is that place which I prefer. You can be crude, honest and open yet you both know that no-one wants it to go further.

In terms of what you say, about lack of relationships being disheartening then I can see that too. I haven't the slightest on what to suggest to change the way that you could get that to change. The one thing that jumps to mind, is the fact that relationships rarely start with 'That person will be mine forever, and we will be married, happy and be doing the sex every night'. Most relationships start with a friendship and then evolve.

It depends on how open you are about your Aceyness though as well i guess... hmm...

[wyrdwyrm]

I'll say that I wish people didn't just draft up an entire narrative about who I must be because I say I'm asexual. Like, oh, really, you know everything about me? You know I won't ever do sex? You know I won't want to touch or be touched? You know I'm damaged somehow? Wrong. Wrong. So very wrong.

I found this to be most difficult with people online. Yeah, I put it right out there that I was asexual, and I asked that instead of thinking that they knew exactly what that meant for me, they should ask. Few did. But you know, even that upset me. Because one, I'm not your google, and two, I'm a unique person. If you really want to know me you have to get to know me. There's just no other way.

The most discouraging part was the sheer number of people who were totally dissuaded by that one word: asexual. Seriously? I mean, great, I don't have to waste any time with you, but damn, that was so discouraging. I'd really like to think that most people are more open minded than that.

A lot of these posts have me giggling because of how familiar they are to me. (Okay, some are sad giggles.) I've done the "wait and let it happen if it happens" for forever, and the one who appeared in that wait screwed it up big time - and I think it's exactly the reason pioneer listed. He assumed wayyy too much about me from what he read and the questions he didn't ask very well - for instance, "Would you ever have sex with a stranger?" actually meant, "Would you ever have sex with me?" and it took me ages to figure that one out.

I quite like "I'm not your Google", though. :D

[wyrdwyrm]

I see everyone I meet as acquantances/friendships/Mortal Nemisis' but it definitely effects who I can get close to. I hardly talk to any females that aren't on here, because they will see what I do as flirting. Guys tend to be more lenient when it comes down to another guy saying something whereas I guess it's socially programmed somewhere that a guy will come onto a girl.

I tend to accidentally flirt and not realize it until the misunderstandings have happened, sometimes with both genders, so it's not just a guy thing. ;)

[Ricki]

I see everyone I meet as acquantances/friendships/Mortal Nemisis' but it definitely effects who I can get close to. I hardly talk to any females that aren't on here, because they will see what I do as flirting. Guys tend to be more lenient when it comes down to another guy saying something whereas I guess it's socially programmed somewhere that a guy will come onto a girl.

I tend to accidentally flirt and not realize it until the misunderstandings have happened, sometimes with both genders, so it's not just a guy thing. ;)

Yeah I do that way too often. I think I've gravitated to just hanging around with males is because the ones who I know are just as vulgar as me, I know they can take it as a joke. I wouldn't joke like that to a person who I've just met no matter the gender...

I have developed the problem of overthinking now, I never know if I'm flirting or not *sigh*. I'm not sure if I hold back on AVEN or whether I get away with more because a lot of people don't recognise it per se.

Socialness is hard ._.

[wyrdwyrm]

I see everyone I meet as acquantances/friendships/Mortal Nemisis' but it definitely effects who I can get close to. I hardly talk to any females that aren't on here, because they will see what I do as flirting. Guys tend to be more lenient when it comes down to another guy saying something whereas I guess it's socially programmed somewhere that a guy will come onto a girl.

I tend to accidentally flirt and not realize it until the misunderstandings have happened, sometimes with both genders, so it's not just a guy thing. ;)

Yeah I do that way too often. I think I've gravitated to just hanging around with males is because the ones who I know are just as vulgar as me, I know they can take it as a joke. I wouldn't joke like that to a person who I've just met no matter the gender...

I have developed the problem of overthinking now, I never know if I'm flirting or not *sigh*. I'm not sure if I hold back on AVEN or whether I get away with more because a lot of people don't recognise it per se.

Socialness is hard ._.

That it is...but with age comes the willingness to just let 'er rip. ;) Some days everything I say ends up as a horrible innuendo and I've just stopped fighting it. Eventually I shall use my powers for good, not evil.

[butterflydreams]

I'll say that I wish people didn't just draft up an entire narrative about who I must be because I say I'm asexual. Like, oh, really, you know everything about me? You know I won't ever do sex? You know I won't want to touch or be touched? You know I'm damaged somehow? Wrong. Wrong. So very wrong.

I found this to be most difficult with people online. Yeah, I put it right out there that I was asexual, and I asked that instead of thinking that they knew exactly what that meant for me, they should ask. Few did. But you know, even that upset me. Because one, I'm not your google, and two, I'm a unique person. If you really want to know me you have to get to know me. There's just no other way.

The most discouraging part was the sheer number of people who were totally dissuaded by that one word: asexual. Seriously? I mean, great, I don't have to waste any time with you, but damn, that was so discouraging. I'd really like to think that most people are more open minded than that.

... and that's why I don't use the term "asexual" initially. I make statements about myself and preferences first and then later introduce the term. I find that works much better as far as someone getting to know me and avoids misunderstandings.

Oh, there are definitely pros and cons to saying it. To be honest though, when I first clicked and started identifying as asexual, I was so excited, I wanted people to know. (This was the naive little kid in me. "I know who I am! YAY! Tell everyone!") That they might not be accepting or even bother taking the time to understand wasn't even something I considered. I changed around how I phrased it a lot. It didn't ever seem to matter.

I felt like I had to get it out there as fast as possible to ward off potential misunderstandings and warn about potential diversions from cultural narratives that would be unwelcome. Kissing. That's unlikely to be something I'm going to do ever, but extremely unlikely to be something I'll do on any kind of time frame consistent with average cultural narratives and expectations. I want to give her some kind of hint that things might be a little bit different with me than she's used to. That doesn't mean that I'm not interested, or that I'm playing some kind of game.

At the heart though, a little part of me is like, fuck all that. I am who I am. I'm not going to hide it any more than I'd hide wearing glasses, or hating ketchup. I've spent way too much of my life being ashamed of who I was, or taking shit for being "inferior". Well guess what, I'm proud of who I am. I'm drawing the line here. If that means that every single woman dismisses me out of hand immediately, I'll be really, really sad, but so be it.

I quite like "I'm not your Google", though. :D

I google enough stuff for people at work. It's hard on the fingers ;)

[MossyOwl]

I wish I could relate to you man.

I'm going to refer to you as man I hope it isn't a problem.

It seems you are puting things ahead of their time like, you meet someone and then you already want to know if they are sexual/asexual, want to know if they want friendship/romantic relationship, and then you start already pre-planning what you're gonna say if they want something you don't and you to be made clear.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who also want just some good ol' cozy friendship too. Let that happen, don't think about too much of what would happen or what will happen.

It seems that I am over simplifying but my tiny little brain is simple. Stupid actually, it is a better word.

And hey, lesson learned man.

It is better to regret your experiences than the lack of it imho.

Well putting things ahead of their time is a practical response for someone who is a romantic asexual and strongly desires companionship. Let's not forget, time moves too fast and life is too short. We are barely born before we start dying. I tend to think the same way Anime Pizzalicious does, pragmatism and all. I don't want time to pass me by on the things that matter greatly to me in my life. Things need to happen now, not later. Therefore, some asexuals think of "What if" and "What possibly could be."

I would also note that having regret from experience and from lack of experience are both equally devastating.

[HermioneGranger]

I understand completely.

I don't know any other aces offline, so I end up developing crushes on people who would never in a million years want to be with me once they realized there wasn't going to be any sex.

And then I'm sad again. :(

[❅Snowflake❅]

If I got with a sexual person, was willing to do basic sex, then they would still want to do other types of sex. So then they would eventually leave me anyway, even though I put a LOT of effort into doing sex at all in the first place.

Plus lots of people these days aren't even loyal in their relationships either, so why would I abandon my preferences just to end up being abandoned, lied to, or cheated on eventually?

Which pretty much answers my own question. That I should simply not date a sexual person

You can still date them ,and then when they want sex(or want "more") ,you keeping to refuse them,while keeping the friendship.

Then their face would become like this :

It's super funny> : ) ,They deserve it since they didn't respect your sexuality by their lust and selfishness .

It would waste many time though ,but "good" for someone who betrayed their friend.

[Frigid Pink]

Dating does it really work? I for the matter do not date... I just connect with someone and its a need and see level.

I call it "dating" when I have romantic interest in someone and am pursuing that interest and discovering whether we're compatible romantically or not, regardless of the depth of our friendly connection (of course, I'm demi-romantic so it tends to be awhile before I develop romantic interest and I certainly don't experience "love at first sight" or anything quite that immediate), so, in that context, "dating" works for me. Outside of that context (my having romantic interest in someone already and consciously pursuing that interest), "dating" doesn't work for me. Of course, I don't call it "dating" if it's not in that context, anyway, so, I only "date" in a way that works for me. I'm sure people define "dating" in different ways and have different contexts that work for them, however, I can only speak to my own experience. I hope that makes sense!

[Frigid Pink]

I'll say that I wish people didn't just draft up an entire narrative about who I must be because I say I'm asexual. Like, oh, really, you know everything about me? You know I won't ever do sex? You know I won't want to touch or be touched? You know I'm damaged somehow? Wrong. Wrong. So very wrong.

I found this to be most difficult with people online. Yeah, I put it right out there that I was asexual, and I asked that instead of thinking that they knew exactly what that meant for me, they should ask. Few did. But you know, even that upset me. Because one, I'm not your google, and two, I'm a unique person. If you really want to know me you have to get to know me. There's just no other way.

The most discouraging part was the sheer number of people who were totally dissuaded by that one word: asexual. Seriously? I mean, great, I don't have to waste any time with you, but damn, that was so discouraging. I'd really like to think that most people are more open minded than that.

... and that's why I don't use the term "asexual" initially. I make statements about myself and preferences first and then later introduce the term. I find that works much better as far as someone getting to know me and avoids misunderstandings.

Oh, there are definitely pros and cons to saying it. To be honest though, when I first clicked and started identifying as asexual, I was so excited, I wanted people to know. (This was the naive little kid in me. "I know who I am! YAY! Tell everyone!") That they might not be accepting or even bother taking the time to understand wasn't even something I considered. I changed around how I phrased it a lot. It didn't ever seem to matter.

I felt like I had to get it out there as fast as possible to ward off potential misunderstandings and warn about potential diversions from cultural narratives that would be unwelcome. Kissing. That's unlikely to be something I'm going to do ever, but extremely unlikely to be something I'll do on any kind of time frame consistent with average cultural narratives and expectations. I want to give her some kind of hint that things might be a little bit different with me than she's used to. That doesn't mean that I'm not interested, or that I'm playing some kind of game.

At the heart though, a little part of me is like, fuck all that. I am who I am. I'm not going to hide it any more than I'd hide wearing glasses, or hating ketchup. I've spent way too much of my life being ashamed of who I was, or taking shit for being "inferior". Well guess what, I'm proud of who I am. I'm drawing the line here. If that means that every single woman dismisses me out of hand immediately, I'll be really, really sad, but so be it.

I quite like "I'm not your Google", though. :D

I google enough stuff for people at work. It's hard on the fingers ;)

I'm proud of who I am, too. When I first discovered asexuality, I was out to anyone and everyone. It's different now. I don't feel it's anyone and everyone's business anymore (because I don't want it to be). It doesn't really matter if people know I'm asexual or not (to do my job, to make friendly connections, and so on), however, it does matter in a romantic context. I'm proud to be me and "asexuality" is not all that I am or what I consider most important to know about me, however, it's pretty important to know in a romantic context because of potential incompatibilities.

In a romantic context, I share very openly. I still prefer to initially make statements about my preferences vs. say "I'm asexual" because most people don't know what "asexuality" is and I prefer not to use labels, anyway, (less room for confusion and misunderstandings that way, in my experience).

Outside a romantic context, it doesn't really come up that often where I feel a desire to share that kind of information with anyone anymore. All my close friends already know. Most of my acquaintances don't and I have no desire to tell them.

I want to reiterate that I'm proud to be me, which includes my asexuality. I don't feel I need to "hide" my asexuality, although I don't want to advertise it, either. I certainly am more selective about who I share any sensitive and personal information with these days.

[jksummer]

Definitely can relate. I'd be happy with one of those 'good ol' cozy friendships' referred to by Exanimis, but sometimes it seems like the 'sex thing' preempts that. That is, some of my experience includes women who weren't interested in me sexually, so that stopped things in its tracks - her decision, not mine. No finding out if we could be friends. And if they were interested, then I'd end up disappointing them. With a few exceptions, the ones that worked usually consisted of a woman who wasn't interested in sex - temporarily, she may have broken up with someone and wasn't quite ready to jump in the dating pool, but still wanted company. I wouldn't know this at first, I just thought that I got lucky and found someone I could be comfortable with. But then, eventually her libido would kick in and she would start looking for someone else. I guess she felt safe, at least in the short term.

Yes it is hard to find a compatible ace. I was able to do that once, a few years ago, before the term was in popular usage, but am making an inference based on some remarks she made. And it worked for awhile. But as it happens, it had to turn into long distance, and like so many of them, ended.

I haven't thought this out all that well, and am just rambling, but yes indeed, I do feel the frustration at times.

[Exanimis]

Well putting things ahead of their time is a practical response for someone who is a romantic asexual and strongly desires companionship. Let's not forget, time moves too fast and life is too short. We are barely born before we start dying. I tend to think the same way Anime Pizzalicious does, pragmatism and all. I don't want time to pass me by on the things that matter greatly to me in my life. Things need to happen now, not later. Therefore, some asexuals think of "What if" and "What possibly could be."

Yea, it becomes instinctive, can't disagree. Just as how it becomes instinctive to think of how you would react if you have yourself turned down by your significant other, of that I am aware.

What I mean, and probably got it poorly worded, is that, ok you have to think about that, it is just as important, but don't put it right in front of you like being prepared to the outcomes of the relationship was more important than the relationship itself.

You see, I got as frustated as I could get with my relationships and the not-even-close-to-even-beginning relationships as well. They didn't, hell, they could never have worked out but, I never tried to put things ahead of their time (I'm gonna use these words again), I wasn't thinking like "What if she doesn't like me?" or "What will happen with us?" or anything similar, maybe because I was just slightly aware of asexuality but had never delved into it, or maybe because I am a moron, I don't know. All I know, and knew by that time, is that I couldn't have known what the hell would happen before going thru' it. See where I am trying to get to? I think I am walking in circles.

Holy shit, I know it is painful, but unfortunately, it is not the kind of pain we are always going to be able to avoid. There is a lot of digging before you find gold.

I would also note that having regret from experience and from lack of experience are both equally devastating.

Weighing in, they are interchangeable, you can experience the lack of experience, but this is syntax and I'm not at Sciforums.

I have yet to assign a/an a/sexuality but so far I am truly identifying with aromantic asexual. Why? Remember the relationships I talked about? My relationships could never have worked because I have never seen it as an innate necesity within me. I saw it as a need, so people around me would stop bothering me, my father would shut the f*ck up about me being single/gay/apathetic/strange/monster (yes, my father once called me a monster), so these people with whom I was in a relationship would benefit me in some societal way. I saw it as a means to a bunch of ends. That is why I could never relate to them, and could never stop seeing them as weak, pathetic for needing a relationship, but that was me being a gaping asshole, an immense dipsh*t in my stupid bubble trying to stablish ego defense mechanisms.

I still can't see that innate desire/necessity/urge to be in a relationship, I thought that when I had that figured out I would be like "Hey no, right now I'm cool, I can totally dig me sum chicks" and the like. I'm not. And I am "forced" to experience the lack of experience.

That is why unfortunately I can't relate to the OP, I just tried to help him by presenting how I used to deal with that kind of situation.

He has to live his life his way, and his way is like that. I envy him for that. I sincerely, utmostly and dearly wish I could relate to him. But I can't.

But that doesn't mean I can't try to help, and if it has helped him even a little it was worth it.

Whatever, I will shut the hell up, I'm sounding like an old man. :)

I'm sorry if I was innappropriate.

[Anime Pancake]

To the comment above,

No problem at all. May have been a misunderstanding. I appreciate all replies, so thank you :)

[deleted_account]

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[Zapstileon]

I wish I could relate to you man.

I'm going to refer to you as man I hope it isn't a problem.

It seems you are puting things ahead of their time like, you meet someone and then you already want to know if they are sexual/asexual, want to know if they want friendship/romantic relationship, and then you start already pre-planning what you're gonna say if they want something you don't and you to be made clear.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who also want just some good ol' cozy friendship too. Let that happen, don't think about too much of what would happen or what will happen.

It seems that I am over simplifying but my tiny little brain is simple. Stupid actually, it is a better word.

And hey, lesson learned man.

It is better to regret your experiences than the lack of it imho.

Well putting things ahead of their time is a practical response for someone who is a romantic asexual and strongly desires companionship. Let's not forget, time moves too fast and life is too short. We are barely born before we start dying. I tend to think the same way Anime Pizzalicious does, pragmatism and all. I don't want time to pass me by on the things that matter greatly to me in my life. Things need to happen now, not later. Therefore, some asexuals think of "What if" and "What possibly could be."

I would also note that having regret from experience and from lack of experience are both equally devastating.

I think people often put things ahead of time, Asexual or no. It's a way of planning your life, I suppose. Some plan what university/ college they apply to by thinking "realistically, could I meet these expectations?" I for one, would not apply for a university or college to which I had no chance of getting in. It would be a wasted effort if their expectations are higher than I could meet anyway. It goes the same way for relationships. If someone only wants to date women, there is little point for a man to try, right? Of course there is the chance that the person would change their mind, but would you risk the rejection? Especially if your self-esteem is somewhere in the drains from before. Even aside from self-esteem, rejection isn't something most people look forwards to, so I guess we all just take precautions to protect ourselves from pain.

[MossyOwl]

I wish I could relate to you man.

I'm going to refer to you as man I hope it isn't a problem.

It seems you are puting things ahead of their time like, you meet someone and then you already want to know if they are sexual/asexual, want to know if they want friendship/romantic relationship, and then you start already pre-planning what you're gonna say if they want something you don't and you to be made clear.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who also want just some good ol' cozy friendship too. Let that happen, don't think about too much of what would happen or what will happen.

It seems that I am over simplifying but my tiny little brain is simple. Stupid actually, it is a better word.

And hey, lesson learned man.

It is better to regret your experiences than the lack of it imho.

Well putting things ahead of their time is a practical response for someone who is a romantic asexual and strongly desires companionship. Let's not forget, time moves too fast and life is too short. We are barely born before we start dying. I tend to think the same way Anime Pizzalicious does, pragmatism and all. I don't want time to pass me by on the things that matter greatly to me in my life. Things need to happen now, not later. Therefore, some asexuals think of "What if" and "What possibly could be."

I would also note that having regret from experience and from lack of experience are both equally devastating.

I think people often put things ahead of time, Asexual or no. It's a way of planning your life, I suppose. Some plan what university/ college they apply to by thinking "realistically, could I meet these expectations?" I for one, would not apply for a university or college to which I had no chance of getting in. It would be a wasted effort if their expectations are higher than I could meet anyway. It goes the same way for relationships. If someone only wants to date women, there is little point for a man to try, right? Of course there is the chance that the person would change their mind, but would you risk the rejection? Especially if your self-esteem is somewhere in the drains from before. Even aside from self-esteem, rejection isn't something most people look forwards to, so I guess we all just take precautions to protect ourselves from pain.

I love this post. I did not apply to any university where I knew I wouldn't get accepted into it. I applied to 6 and got accepted to all 6. It is true that people in general often put things ahead of time, but I wonder if the act of doing so is more prevalent in asexuals because we feel burdened by time constraints, whereas sexual people may be more relaxed/patient about getting into relationships because their dating pool size is larger and they therefore feel in no rush to push things.

[Amoeba-Proteus]

I don't bother, honestly.
I dated someone once in my life for a few years, and tried so hard to convince myself to compromise for them. They knew how I felt, and therefore never pushed me or tried to get me to do anything. Never complained about it. But I always had it in my head that, "You're a heterosexual male. There's no way you're just simply cool with never having it..." So I kept telling myself "Just try. It's for him." but I couldn't do it. No matter how much I loved him, I couldn't convince myself to break down and do it for him.
Well that's done with. He cheated, so... clearly it was an issue.

After going through years of trying to convince myself to break down and do it for the person I loved, and getting nowhere, and just getting hurt in the end, I haven't bothered with trying to date anyone. Haven't even been interested. But if I was, I wouldn't date a sexual person again. It's not worth the struggle. I know I'm unable to compromise no matter how hard I try to convince myself, so I know I can't meet someone's expectation. So I wouldn't try again.

It used to upset me a bit, cause I felt like "It doesn't matter how much I love them. It'll never matter. My feelings are never justified. Because though I'm willing to do just about anything for them, I can't do anything sexual. So it never matters..."
I still feel that way, but at the same time, I'm totally cool with being alone, so it doesn't bother me as much. And there's nobody that I'm interested in. I also don't know any asexuals in real life, so an ace-ace relationship is very unlikely to happen either, so I try not to be bothered by it...

But I do understand where you're coming from. It's tough being in a world where you're essentially the exact opposite of everyone...

[SorryNotSorry]

It's frustrating in multiple ways.

For one thing, online dating is dying on its feet, but there's still a small army of talking heads spreading the gospel of online dating.

Another is the sheer number of asexuals who prefer to stay in the closet and suffer in loneliness.

The biggest hurdle, of course, is the abuse and anger we've had to put up with from sexuals who think we're trying to mess up their game.

OTOH one lesson I learned the hard way with meetup groups is that few things can scuttle a meetup group like a bad launch... now I find myself in the awkward position of having to ask the members of 2 groups to stick with me through a re-launch of one, consolidated new group. I won't blame them if they're going to feel frustrated with me.

[Mayonasium]

Oh yes. Definitely. When I'm having a particularly bad day, I'll sit myself down and run statistics.

If 1% of the population is asexual then

probably less than 1/2% (if that) of those asexuals are heteromantic males

and who knows how many of that percentage are Christian or even compatible?

It's dizzying just to think about. I know there are people out there who are willing to compromise in a relationship but I feel that I just can't. I can't compromise on something like this and be happy with myself. If I met someone who was willing to compromise for me, there'd have to be a lot of trust in that relationship for me to believe they actually meant it.

At this point, I've found my best solution is that while I can hope, it's not a bad idea to come to terms with the fact that I may never find "Mr.Right" and to put my own happiness and inner peace first.

[kulosle]

Oh my gods yes! Whats sad is my dating pool is probably larger than most people here and it is still abysmally small. I'm a grey-asexual panromantic. I am emotionally/physically attracted to pretty much any one who is a good person and emotionally open. But the type of relationship i want is very specific. I will only be in polyamorous relationships. They have to be willing to communicate EVERYTHING! and no expectations. Very few people are okay with all those three things.