Questioning my asexuality

[Guest]

Despite of the fact I've been there for years I've more and more doubts on my asexuality.

Oral sex, promiscuities, one night stands, pornography, it grosses me out. I'm fed up with oversexualised culture. Sex is treated like other form of sport and pop culture is full of it, it's almost everywhere, in films, music etc. I really don't like lyrics with sexual threads. I also don't like when everybody says' Do it, it can help you keep fit'. There's too big sex pression. Intercourses are more and more inspired by porn movies. Many men think it's just cool to act like the porn actors do.

In the past I was dreaming about ideal boyfriend, dating, etc but when I met some I was sure they would want sex one day, it was the same with girls. In my opinion sex can be a source of someone's suffer as well as pleasure.

I believe people should have sex only if they are in deep relationship, no matter if they are married or not.

I've never been involved in dating. I've always preferred books and music to dating and I'm not going to change it.

TMI warning

I've a libido, it's neither big nor small, just a medium one and I do masturbate as well.

I don't have any genital aversion.

As you, AVEN people, know I use to fall in love in XVI and XVII century men. I use to fantasize on them and there are not only intellectual talks and meetings desires but my sex desires are very old fashioned, they are not just those animal and porn like ones, they are just more focused on cuddles and being close.

My fantasies are also connected with my Swedenborgian/Raelian beliefs.

I also use to have sex dreams.

end of TMI

What do you think? Do I fit more to asexual spectrum or just celibate one?

[Fire & Rain]

There's nothing wrong with questioning yourself. I have the same problem but with my romantic orientation. I've accepted that I need more time and experience to figure it out.

My imagination towards sex is very kinky lol and far from being old fashioned but I don't doubt my asexuality. My fantasies are kinky but the actual sex part is rarely involved. I just like the foreplay and aftermath :D I used to have a lot sex dreams but not recently cuz my libido is going down a bit these days.

I firmly believe that asexuality is only defined by lack of sexual attraction towards anyone. I have never ever felt sexual attraction towards anyone I've met in my life. I made myself think about getting into sexual activities with people I know and I just couldn't do it. Every time someone or something questions my asexuality, I only ask one question to myself "Who would I pick if I could have sex with them in any way I want to?" My answer is always "No one."

[argar]

Does it matter?

I think in the end you have to decide how asexuality fits in your life, not how you have to live up to some asexual standard.

If you think and feel you are one and not the other, I would still value your input on the site. If it's a personal exploration, do what makes sense to you and makes you happy. In my case whether I removed the asexual definition of myself or not, I know I am not like those around me. I know I feel differently about things.

Hope that helps.

Have a beautiful day.

[Exanimis]

Seriously, I stopped reading here:

" Do it, it can help you

keep fit "

From all the intents that this phrase bears, not all of them are positives.

You have to wonder if the pressure for you to 'fit in', is for your own good or for the good of 'society', that is, the people around you who want you to change, so you can adequate to their norm.

You fit where you think it's best for you. Don't try to adequate yourself, people who like you are simply going like you the way you are.

[Guest]

Seriously, I stopped reading here:

" Do it, it can help you

keep fit "

From all the intents that this phrase bears, not all of them are positives.

You have to wonder if the pressure for you to 'fit in', is for your own good or for the good of 'society', that is, the people around you who want you to change, so you can adequate to their norm.

You fit where you think it's best for you. Don't try to adequate yourself, people who like you are simply going like you the way you are.

sorry just have to point out, I think the OP was referring to how, in the media in advice articles, women especially are told sex is a great tool for weight maintenance because it helps keeps you fit. "a great way to maintain a healthy weight is to have sex, can you believe it? you'll have fun *and* keep your tummy trim , what better way is there to stay fit?! that's right girls, go jump in the sack right now with your man, your tummy will thank you for it! " that sort of thing. the op was just expressing their annoyance at this sex crazed culture we live in.. which yes I totally agree with! I know it frustrates many people here on AVEN, even people who are sex positive (ie have no problem with other people having it, not repulsed etc) .. it's just, frustrating being told that sex is the answer to everything and we need to do it for X, y, z reasons (like losing weight) when for some people, sex really does make them miserable and they would rather cuddle and kiss and squeeze their lover instead of shagging them senseless!

[Guest]

Despite of the fact I've been there for years I've more and more doubts on my asexuality.

Oral sex, promiscuities, one night stands, pornography, it grosses me out. I'm fed up with oversexualised culture. Sex is treated like other form of sport and pop culture is full of it, it's almost everywhere, in films, music etc. I really don't like lyrics with sexual threads. I also don't like when everybody says' Do it, it can help you keep fit'. There's too big sex pression. Intercourses are more and more inspired by porn movies. Many men think it's just cool to act like the porn actors do.

In the past I was dreaming about ideal boyfriend, dating, etc but when I met some I was sure they would want sex one day, it was the same with girls. In my opinion sex can be a source of someone's suffer as well as pleasure.

I believe people should have sex only if they are in deep relationship, no matter if they are married or not.

I've never been involved in dating. I've always preferred books and music to dating and I'm not going to change it.

TMI warning

I've a libido, it's neither big nor small, just a medium one and I do masturbate as well.

I don't have any genital aversion.

As you, AVEN people, know I use to fall in love in XVI and XVII century men. I use to fantasize on them and there are not only intellectual talks and meetings desires but my sex desires are very old fashioned, they are not just those animal and porn like ones, they are just more focused on cuddles and being close.

My fantasies are also connected with my Swedenborgian/Raelian beliefs.

I also use to have sex dreams.

end of TMI

What do you think? Do I fit more to asexual spectrum or just celibate one?

I find myself putting my asexuality in question.

I am kinda on my way to being less of a ace then before.

[Exanimis]

Aaaahhhhh I see!

I saw "fit" and I read "fit in" . .

Oh jam. .. *blushes*

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

[Guest]

OP, celibacy is something that is chosen, ie for religious reasons, or is forced upon one, ie by lack of sexual partners, becoming paralysed or whatever.. celibacy is when a regular sexual person is not having sex for whatever reason, even though they still enjoy and desire partnered sex. they are still regular sexual people who, for whatever reason, are not having sex even though often in their ideal situation they would be having sex if they could be.

do you think, if you're uncomfortable with the asexual label, maybe you could be demisexual? that means you're fully asexual unless you meet the right person and develop a bond with them etc, though demisexuals want and enjoy sex once that bond has formed, and you seem to be saying you never want sex?

I am in a very sensual asexual relationship, we cuddle and kiss and flirt and are even kinky on special occasions, we just have no desire to have sex with each other (that means penetration, or stimulation of each others genitals by mouth of fingers or whatever).. for me personally, I just cant stand anything touching me "down there" , i hate the feelings of being touched by anything inside my underwear , no matter how aroused I am.. my partner feels the same regarding his own private parts, so its just something neither of us will ever do with each other. if we did have sex, neither of us would enjoy it and it would probably be a traumatizing experience for both of us hehe.. so it's just something that will never happen for us and we are both more than happy with this!


I define myself as demiromantic (only able to form a romantic bond with someone I have a deep emotional connection to) Demi*sensual*.. meaning I develop sensual attraction (everything except sex) once a bond has formed .. do you think you could maybe fall more under these sorts of categories?

because for me personally, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like you are celibate. it sounds like at the most you are demisexual (wants a deep bond with someone.. wants to be with someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you in return, before you will maybe want to start having sex with them?)

but in conclusion, and in answer to your question, to me it sounds like you absolutely fall on the asexual spectrum more than the celibate spectrum.

hope any of that helped at all, I'm on my phone and it's really hard to see what I'm writing so I'm not sure if it makes sense at all :o

[Guest]

Aaaahhhhh I see!

I saw "fit" and I read "fit in" . .

Oh jam. .. *blushes*

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

haha I totally thought that was the case which is why I thought I'd clarify :P

[Guest]

OP, celibacy is something that is chosen, ie for religious reasons, or is forced upon one, ie by lack of sexual partners, becoming paralysed or whatever.. celibacy is when a regular sexual person is not having sex for whatever reason, even though they still enjoy and desire partnered sex. they are still regular sexual people who, for whatever reason, are not having sex even though often in their ideal situation they would be having sex if they could be.

do you think, if you're uncomfortable with the asexual label, maybe you could be demisexual? that means you're fully asexual unless you meet the right person and develop a bond with them etc, though demisexuals want and enjoy sex once that bond has formed, and you seem to be saying you never want sex?

I am in a very sensual asexual relationship, we cuddle and kiss and flirt and are even kinky on special occasions, we just have no desire to have sex with each other (that means penetration, or stimulation of each others genitals by mouth of fingers or whatever).. for me personally, I just cant stand anything touching me "down there" , i hate the feelings of being touched by anything inside my underwear , no matter how aroused I am.. my partner feels the same regarding his own private parts, so its just something neither of us will ever do with each other. if we did have sex, neither of us would enjoy it and it would probably be a traumatizing experience for both of us hehe.. so it's just something that will never happen for us and we are both more than happy with this!

I define myself as demiromantic (only able to form a romantic bond with someone I have a deep emotional connection to) Demi*sensual*.. meaning I develop sensual attraction (everything except sex) once a bond has formed .. do you think you could maybe fall more under these sorts of categories?

because for me personally, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like you are celibate. it sounds like at the most you are demisexual (wants a deep bond with someone.. wants to be with someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you in return, before you will maybe want to start having sex with them?)

but in conclusion, and in answer to your question, to me it sounds like you absolutely fall on the asexual spectrum more than the celibate spectrum.

hope any of that helped at all, I'm on my phone and it's really hard to see what I'm writing so I'm not sure if it makes sense at all :o

I've never thought about being demi, yes if I met right person I'd have sex of course if it would be more spiritual than sensual. I'm just into those old, intellectual men.

I don't think if anyone would have sex with a girl who is disgusted by oral sex and acrobatic-like positions.

[WhenSummersGone]

If you feel you are asexual then you can call yourself that. I am celibate but I also don't have any interest in having sex outside of a close friendship or relationship. It doesn't even cross my mind to have sex. I do feel pressured by society/the media and that causes frustration. I sometimes do feel broken even though I've been on AVEN for many years. I may like the idea, it sounds good but I just can't see myself doing it. I'm happy to be Demisexual but at the same time I feel different. So I understand how you feel.

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

I agree lol. If I want to lose weight I'd rather do that.

[deleted_account]

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[Guest]

yeah it's so annoying being told you're not asexual. my mum just shakes her head whenever I mention it and says with this stupid 'knowing smile' "you're not asexual" without even giving me a reason why I'm not haha. once she said "when you meet the right person you'll want to have sex with them, it's biological" *sigh* I'm 26, have 2 kids and have certainly had enough sex to know if it's something I desire or not. I also categorically know for a fact that I don't enjoy sex (having never had even one sexual encounter, gay or straight, that I enjoyed).. and on top of that, I am very much in love with my long-term partner, and veeeeery sensually attracted to him, yet that doesn't make me want to have sex with him heh (he is ace too so no sex for us yay heh) . One would think my mum would have clicked on by now that I actually am asexual :P

[Philip027]

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

They're not unaware. It's just that people don't like to be told to go to gyms. It generally isn't something people want to do; it's just something they tolerate if they want to be fit, much like how people tolerate a job if they want money.

On the other hand, people don't have to be told to have more sex. It's already something they want to do; whatever sorts of health benefits they can push onto it is just a bonus.

[Anime Pancake]

Good question. I'm not really sure, but I did really enjoy reading about your point of view and experiences.

[Exanimis]

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

They're not unaware. It's just that people don't like to be told to go to gyms. It generally isn't something people want to do; it's just something they tolerate if they want to be fit, much like how people tolerate a job if they want money.

On the other hand, people don't have to be told to have more sex. It's already something they want to do; whatever sorts of health benefits they can push onto it is just a bonus.

I am aware that they are not unaware. It was a little bit of a sarcasm.

It is kinda like this:

If said person likes doing said thing (can apply to anything really, not only sex), he/she will find reasons to keep doing it. Factual or non-factual. By that, he/she will assume that everyone likes it and that everyone should do it because of said reasons he/she has found. It is just like that, and whenever confrounted, he/she will probably spill out some "facts" to back-up his/her belief that said thing should be done.

Ego, not in a bad sense, almost everyone uses this mechanic to some degree, some in a healthy way (gyms as a clear and obvious example), others in a pretty unhealthy way (drug abuse, self-detrimental behavior, etc).

[Heart]

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

They're not unaware. It's just that people don't like to be told to go to gyms. It generally isn't something people want to do; it's just something they tolerate if they want to be fit, much like how people tolerate a job if they want money.

On the other hand, people don't have to be told to have more sex. It's already something they want to do; whatever sorts of health benefits they can push onto it is just a bonus.

...I'd still rather go to the gym than have sex....

[Philip027]

...I'd still rather go to the gym than have sex....

Same here, but that's what makes us anomalies XD

[Guest]

Anyway, the people who said that sex helps keep you fit are probably unaware of gyms.

They're not unaware. It's just that people don't like to be told to go to gyms. It generally isn't something people want to do; it's just something they tolerate if they want to be fit, much like how people tolerate a job if they want money.

On the other hand, people don't have to be told to have more sex. It's already something they want to do; whatever sorts of health benefits they can push onto it is just a bonus.

...I'd still rather go to the gym than have sex....

Sex as a good workout is a lie anyways. :P I have sex and I still have to go to the gym, no flat tummy from it for me. :(

[Ashmedai]

I question mine all the time, and sometimes it's rather uncomfortable. I reaallly don't like the saturation of sex in culture, and I really don't like having sexuality pushed on. The main thing that makes me question it is my libido. Sometimes I don't know if I'm just trying to justify being stubborn and hiding some underlying sexual stuff. On the other hand, a fair amount of things I've read here, and being able to interact with people has helped figure a lot of things out, and it's made sense in a few ways.

[Guest]

I question mine all the time, and sometimes it's rather uncomfortable. I reaallly don't like the saturation of sex in culture, and I really don't like having sexuality pushed on. The main thing that makes me question it is my libido. Sometimes I don't know if I'm just trying to justify being stubborn and hiding some underlying sexual stuff. On the other hand, a fair amount of things I've read here, and being able to interact with people has helped figure a lot of things out, and it's made sense in a few ways.

Eh, everything from faucets to food is advertised by sex. I also don't like why they say contraception is only for safe sex while it's a medicine you can cure many hormonal problems and in some diseases stopping menstruation is important.

In one women magazine there was written that spontaneous and animalist sex is better than intellectual one. Eh, it's just a reason I'm not gonna have sex, I don't want to be treated as animal, all those noises, situations, make me nervous.

[Exanimis]

In one women magazine there was written that spontaneous and animalist sex is better than intellectual one.

Õ-o

I feel surprised really.

Probably this magazine peeps know nothing about subjectivity. For some people it is better to have animalistic and to others it is better to have intelectual.

[Guest]

In one women magazine there was written that spontaneous and animalist sex is better than intellectual one.

Õ-o

I feel surprised really.

Probably this magazine peeps know nothing about subjectivity. For some people it is better to have animalistic and to others it is better to have intelectual.

I"m in this second group :) Only new age and some spiritual movements followers care about spiritual side of sex.