am i sexual if i enjoy sex?

[jyh992y]

Ok, so I have a boyfriend and we have, well, a lot of sex, I would say. And this is what makes me confused about my /a/sexuality.

I have never felt as comfortable with a label as I do calling myself asexual, but I really do enjoy sex with my boyfriend and sometimes I think about it in a way which I guess could be described as "desiring sex with him". This could also just be that I want to be close to him, and I think it is more of a kind of sensual attraction, and then that being sensual leads to being aroused.

Maybe demisexual would be a more accurate label for me?

???

I have been thinking about this a lot for the past two weeks and I would love to hear someone else's thoughts about it, and of course if someone feels the same way or have felt this way.

[(A)rrogant Avian]

Demisexual could be what you are looking for, but you have to remember that asexuals can still enjoy sex. The definition of asexual is someone who does not experience sexual ATTRACTION, but you can still have a libido and even enjoy sex. Hope that helped a bit. :)

[Contrarian Expatriate]

You are what you are, regardless of the labels. It seems to me that even if you enjoy sex, you still might not experience sexual attraction the way most people experience it. That you are in a relationship now could be the emotional primer that enables you to be willing to have sex, and when you do, you enjoy it.

Ask yourself if you ever want to have sex with someone attractive other than someone with whom you are in a relationship. If that answer is no, I believe you could be asexual (gray and or demi).

[Guest]

Hello *wave* :) ..

I identify as fully asexual and I feel a whooole lot of sensual attraction for my partner (involving arousal on all levels, mental, emotional and physical)

Up until now I have been calling it 'sexual attraction' the same as 'regular sexuals' experience sexual attraction, but minus the innate desire for, or any enjoyment of, partnered sex.. but AVEN (and a lot of the researchers into asexuality) really do all seem pretty unanimously against someone being able to call themselves asexual if they experience any form of sexual attraction *sigh*.. (So for now I'm just sticking with the term *sensual attraction* to be politically correct :))

No matter how aroused I am, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my partner. I have never wanted/desired sex with anyone (though didn't realize this until I started having sex and realized I found it wrong on all levels.. it makes me deeply uncomfortable and even if I tried it with my partner, there is no way I could enjoy because the sensations of it, to me, are in no way pleasurable)
I am a very sex positive person and always have been, so it was a total shock to me when I realised just how much I do not enjoy or want sex heh. I enjoy reading about the science behind sex and pleasure, personally love the way the human body looks (yes genitals as well, I find the whole lot fascinating!) just, that fascination in no way makes me want me to have sex haha.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that everyone experiences asexuality differently. for me personally, it involves never having desired or enjoyed partnered sex, no matter how aroused or "in the mood" or in love I am. there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not broken, i'm not celibate, i'm asexual. I have a (rather high) libido, that libido just in no way requires another person for it to be satisfied (masturbation does that just fine thanks heh)..

HOWEVER there are many AVENites who on the opposite end of the scale, love sex! i have even seen people here identifying as fully asexual (not demi or grey) because they do not experience sexual attraction , but they do prefer partnered sex because they enjoy it more than masturbation. I have seen people on AVEN saying that people who love partnered sex can't be fully asexual, but the AVEN introductory guidelines clearly state that asexuality is not about whether or not you enjoy partnered sex, it's about whether or not you feel sexual attraction (which they define as the desire to have partnered sexual activity with a person)..

SO after all that said and done, if you believe you are not experiencing sexual attraction towards your partner, the according to AVEN and most of the research done on asexuality, you are asexual, regardless of how much you enjoy sex. if still calling yourself asexual makes you uncomfortable though, or if you feel maybe you are feeling sexual attraction and enjoying sex (like I said, by the AVEN description, sexual attraction is the *desire* for partnered sexual activity) then yea, demisexual would be right for you if you'd feel more comfortable with that. (demi means fully asexual unless a deep bond has formed with a person, just for any randoms reading this, though it's probably best to ignore me anyway because evidently I am all over the place right now haha)


I had actually never read the AVEN asexuality guidlines before (the ones that say "you are not asexual IF..." and they clearly state for all new users that if you experience sexual attraction, even if you have no desire for or enjoyment of sex and never have, then you are celibate, not asexual. I am currently having a lot of internal conflict over this (as probably evidenced by how all over the place this post is haha) because I have known many people here, myself and my partner included, who feel we all clearly experience sexual attraction, but have never desired or enjoyed sex (despite some of us having high libidos etc). We do not CHOOSE not to desire it, we do not choose not to enjoy it, but celibacy is CHOICE made by a person, or something that someone is forced into by circumstance ie they might become paralyzed.. they still desire sex they just can't have it, or a monk might desire sex but he can't have it: This is celibacy, not asexuality. the desire is still there. celibacy is desiring the sex, but not having it for "insert reason here".

AVEN states in the guidelines for asexuality that sexual attraction IS the desire for partnered sexual activity. So where does this put the asexuals who say they are fully asexual because they experience absolutely no sexual attraction, yet do desire partnered sexual activity because it's an activity they love doing? doesn't that mean by the AVEN guidelines, they also are not asexual at all? *sigh*..

I was sure about everything until reading the AVEN guidelines and then consequently reading a lot of the research I could find available online about asexuality today. It seems like everyone seems dead set on basing asexuality purely on the lack of sexual attraction, regardless of whether or not a person loves sex or has never wanted or enjoyed it in their lives. However if they *desire* the sex because they love it, then they are not asexual, because sexual attraction *is* the desire for partnered sex. Is anyone else as confused as me or is my brain just totally messed up today? haha.

I'm sorry, I probably made you more confused, not less, but really all I came to say is that if you feel more comfortable identifying as demi, then go with that! or if you still feel like asexual fits you best because you don't experience sexual attraction, whatever you define that as, the that's totally fine too :)

wow that was really long sorry haha.

[jyh992y]

Thank you so much!!! All your replies were very helpful!

[Arf]

There are some asexuals who do enjoy sex with their partners for various reasons. I personally describe sexual attraction as sexual desire pointed towards a certain person. Perhaps you are asexual with an exception? Or you are experiencing sexual desire independently of him? In any case, if you feel most comfortable with the asexual label, it is 100% okay to use it. Go with what works best for you.