Can someone BECOME asexual/aromantic? And can that happen due to being asocial?

[Squawk]

I just recently started guessing about my sexuality, since I found a post about asexuality on tumblr, and I felt like something just kind of clicked into place. The overall description fit me rather well, I guess, but I'm still rather confused about it all.

I used to be a pretty average kid, although pretty introverted. I had a couple of rather close classmates, even had a crush once when I was about 7-12. Not sure wether it was a crush or a squish, the difference seems unclear to me.

In my teens I had a healthy interest in finding out more about my own body, and I had the capability to get aroused after watching/reading pornographic material, even masturbating occasionally since everybody my age was going on about sex and relationships and orgasms.

As I got older, I got progressively more and more introverted and generally disinterested in people outside of what practical use they had for me (for example, maintaining contact with classmates for the possibility that I might need their help for something like group works for certain subjects), I almost never went out for the sake of socializing since I didn't really see the point. That's why I never pursued a relationship, romantic or sexual, with anyone: never really saw the point, when I could get what I needed from people while maintaining a comfortable exclusively professional relationship with them. Also socializing was always a pretty foreign and dull-sounding concept to me.

Eventually I started losing interest in masturbating. I'd read a fictional story with explicit sexual content and be like "might as well do, since I'm already in this state". Thinking back on it, it was kind of a nonsensical thing to do, when I don't even enjoy orgasms that much.

Lately though, as in in the past two or three years, I barely even react to reading that sort of content though, and I haven't masturbated in about that long. I don't really miss it.

My parents though, they keep insisting that it's all due to dysthymia (I've been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for over a year, have been medicated for that time and have shown notable progress - my libido has not changed) or that I just need to get out more and meet new people, I'll find someone eventually. Holy hell, I need them to understand I do NOT want to meet any new people. I'd also like to be able to properly explain to them that there's not necessarily anything wrong with me, there's other people like me leading perfectly satisfactory lives.

My question though, can I really be ace/aro when I've never actually had any sort of romantic/sexual experience before? Can I have become ace/aro due to being very asocial, and due to dealing with depression? Can I have become aro even if I had a crush/squish on someone before?

If anyone has similar experiences they can share, or have any opinion at all, it'd help me a lot.

(Also sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language)

[Exanimis]

I haven't shared my experiences so far (I said somewhere that I would, who knows?).

All I can say is that yours is really of close resemblance.

Most sexuals (from my pov at least) are interested in sex even (I dare say specially) when they had no sexual/romantic experience whatsoever. If you say that, you had no sexual/romantic experience and, you have no interest (not even curiosity), personally I think you can fit any label. But that's me and I am, myself, quite still grasping all these nomenclatures and definitions and stuff.

Btw, I think that there might be some correlation (not causation) between some asocial people and aro/asex BUT, that doesn't mean that if you are asocial you are going to be aromantic or vice-versa. In fact, if you are a sexual/romantic person and, somehow asocial, or the other way around, this conflicting nature might generate some sort confusion, damage, and it is up to you and not anyone else to try to find yourself out.

I hope I said no bullshit here and it helps you, even minimously.

There are a lot of other resourceful members out there who can help you immensely.

Good luck friend!

[Squawk]

I haven't shared my experiences so far (I said somewhere that I would, who knows?).

All I can say is that yours is really of close resemblance.

Most sexuals (from my pov at least) are interested in sex even (I dare say specially) when they had no sexual/romantic experience whatsoever. If you say that, you had no sexual/romantic experience and, you have no interest (not even curiosity), personally I think you can fit any label. But that's me and I am, myself, quite still grasping all these nomenclatures and definitions and stuff.

Btw, I think that there might be some correlation (not causation) between some asocial people and aro/asex BUT, that doesn't mean that if you are asocial you are going to be aromantic or vice-versa. In fact, if you are a sexual/romantic person and, somehow asocial, or the other way around, this conflicting nature might generate some sort confusion, damage, and it is up to you and not anyone else to try to find yourself out.

I hope I said no bullshit here and it helps you, even minimously.

There are a lot of other resourceful members out there who can help you immensely.

Good luck friend!

Thanks. It is really confusing, I agree with you there. Kinda wish more people would give me their opinion though, since trying to depend on my therapist and family has proven pretty much useless.

That aside though, your input is greatly appreciated. :)

[xserpx]

IMO, however you "become" asexual, be it through past trauma, mental illness, being born that way, whatever, you are who you are. And if you're happy with that - if you don't want to change - I don't really think it matters that you're not innately asexual. If you feel like the aromantic/asexual label fits, then by all means use it.

FWIW I've never had a relationship before, never kissed, never wanted anything more than friends - hell, I've never even been asked out! Yet I still strongly identify as aromantic/asexual. I think the mere act of thinking, "what's the big deal with sex and relationships??" is a pretty decent indicator of someone who might be on the ace spectrum, even if they're demi- or grey-, because if you do experience sexual/romantic attraction, why would you ask that question?

For me, it's kind of a chicken and egg situtation - am I asexual becauase I'm introverted and socially awkward, or am I introverted and socially awkward because I'm asexual? When I was growing up, I felt alienated from my friends because they were all finding boyfriends/girlfriends, and I didn't understand that. I didn't socialize much, because parties aren't my bag, and as a result I became pretty insular and didn't get much practice with the whole making friends shtick. I feel the same way about people as I did at the age of 10/11, nobody's ever been more than a friend to me, and I can't really imagine how you'd even go about feeling strongly about anyone who isn't family. It's a complicated knot of causes and effects, difficult to untangle, but even if I did become the way I am through my own dislike of social situations, I've always at least felt aro/ace. It's just a part of who I am.

Hah, IDK if you relate to any of this, but I hope it helps anyway :).

[Squawk]

IMO, however you "become" asexual, be it through past trauma, mental illness, being born that way, whatever, you are who you are. And if you're happy with that - if you don't want to change - I don't really think it matters that you're not innately asexual. If you feel like the aromantic/asexual label fits, then by all means use it.

FWIW I've never had a relationship before, never kissed, never wanted anything more than friends - hell, I've never even been asked out! Yet I still strongly identify as aromantic/asexual. I think the mere act of thinking, "what's the big deal with sex and relationships??" is a pretty decent indicator of someone who might be on the ace spectrum, even if they're demi- or grey-, because if you do experience sexual/romantic attraction, why would you ask that question?

For me, it's kind of a chicken and egg situtation - am I asexual becauase I'm introverted and socially awkward, or am I introverted and socially awkward because I'm asexual? When I was growing up, I felt alienated from my friends because they were all finding boyfriends/girlfriends, and I didn't understand that. I didn't socialize much, because parties aren't my bag, and as a result I became pretty insular and didn't get much practice with the whole making friends shtick. I feel the same way about people as I did at the age of 10/11, nobody's ever been more than a friend to me, and I can't really imagine how you'd even go about feeling strongly about anyone who isn't family. It's a complicated knot of causes and effects, difficult to untangle, but even if I did become the way I am through my own dislike of social situations, I've always at least felt aro/ace. It's just a part of who I am.

Hah, IDK if you relate to any of this, but I hope it helps anyway :).

Thank you so, so much. I can totally see where you're coming from, except I don't really feel the exact same for people as I used to when I was younger, I've somehow managed to become more indifferent to all kinds of social interaction. I do feel that I somehow fit into ace/aro spectrums though, I guess I still need to accept that though.

But you definitely helped, probably more than you realize. Thanks a lot!

[Skycaptain]

Personally I don't think it is necessarily a case of becoming asexual. Most people are raised in a sexual world and are expected to be sexually attracted to other people. Particularly heterosexually. It can take a long time to overcome societal pressure to conform. Even then, if people don't feel attracted to the opposite sex, they may well wonder if they are attracted to their own sex, and suppressing these feelings. Realising that you are attracted to no-one is often the last thing considered. Even then, many wonder "Can I really be attracted to no-one at all?" and think "No, that's impossible." In my own case it took until 42 and talking to a counsellor on an unrelated matter to have even heard of asexuality, never mind realising I was such a person. For info, never had a relationship, sex, squishes or any emotional feelings for anyone else in my entire life. Only after removing the impossible, whatever remains is the possible. Some people realise that they are on the asexual spectrum early whereas for others it is a name they give themselves after finding they don't fit any other category.

There is also a school of thought that suggests sexuality is fluid, that it is possible to perceive yourself as asexual all your life and suddenly that changes. Much in the same way as hetero-people can become non-hetero. Sexuals can become asexual. There is no need for there to be any medical, psychological or external reason for this, it is just the way we are.

It is my belief that asexuality and finding social situations uncomfortable are generally unrelated. Maybe discomfort at a sexually active party or club, maybe, but in general, no. In all but a few people social awareness and sexual awareness do not develop at the same rate. The ability, or otherwise, to make friends, and feel comfortable around other people starts very early in childhood, whereas sexuality, or asexuality is something children are usually unaware of until they are a few years older.

[Fire & Rain]

I think there's a correlation. I noticed that I've become more and more asocial after realizing my aromanticsm. So, it's the other way around for me lol

[butterflydreams]

Most sexuals (from my pov at least) are interested in sex even (I dare say specially) when they had no sexual/romantic experience whatsoever.

I love how mind blowing this is for me :)

IMO, however you "become" asexual, be it through past trauma, mental illness, being born that way, whatever, you are who you are. And if you're happy with that - if you don't want to change - I don't really think it matters that you're not innately asexual. If you feel like the aromantic/asexual label fits, then by all means use it.

FWIW I've never had a relationship before, never kissed, never wanted anything more than friends - hell, I've never even been asked out! Yet I still strongly identify as aromantic/asexual. I think the mere act of thinking, "what's the big deal with sex and relationships??" is a pretty decent indicator of someone who might be on the ace spectrum, even if they're demi- or grey-, because if you do experience sexual/romantic attraction, why would you ask that question?

For me, it's kind of a chicken and egg situtation - am I asexual becauase I'm introverted and socially awkward, or am I introverted and socially awkward because I'm asexual? When I was growing up, I felt alienated from my friends because they were all finding boyfriends/girlfriends, and I didn't understand that. I didn't socialize much, because parties aren't my bag, and as a result I became pretty insular and didn't get much practice with the whole making friends shtick. I feel the same way about people as I did at the age of 10/11, nobody's ever been more than a friend to me, and I can't really imagine how you'd even go about feeling strongly about anyone who isn't family. It's a complicated knot of causes and effects, difficult to untangle, but even if I did become the way I am through my own dislike of social situations, I've always at least felt aro/ace. It's just a part of who I am.

Hah, IDK if you relate to any of this, but I hope it helps anyway :).

Where's the nose? Because you just hit it! I'm not even going to chime in myself because you've already said what I would have.

[Squawk]

Personally I don't think it is necessarily a case of becoming asexual. Most people are raised in a sexual world and are expected to be sexually attracted to other people. Particularly heterosexually. It can take a long time to overcome societal pressure to conform. Even then, if people don't feel attracted to the opposite sex, they may well wonder if they are attracted to their own sex, and suppressing these feelings. Realising that you are attracted to no-one is often the last thing considered. Even then, many wonder "Can I really be attracted to no-one at all?" and think "No, that's impossible." In my own case it took until 42 and talking to a counsellor on an unrelated matter to have even heard of asexuality, never mind realising I was such a person. For info, never had a relationship, sex, squishes or any emotional feelings for anyone else in my entire life. Only after removing the impossible, whatever remains is the possible. Some people realise that they are on the asexual spectrum early whereas for others it is a name they give themselves after finding they don't fit any other category.

There is also a school of thought that suggests sexuality is fluid, that it is possible to perceive yourself as asexual all your life and suddenly that changes. Much in the same way as hetero-people can become non-hetero. Sexuals can become asexual. There is no need for there to be any medical, psychological or external reason for this, it is just the way we are.

It is my belief that asexuality and finding social situations uncomfortable are generally unrelated. Maybe discomfort at a sexually active party or club, maybe, but in general, no. In all but a few people social awareness and sexual awareness do not develop at the same rate. The ability, or otherwise, to make friends, and feel comfortable around other people starts very early in childhood, whereas sexuality, or asexuality is something children are usually unaware of until they are a few years older.

That's... incredibly spot on, for the most part, thanks so much for bothering to reply.

I don't really find social situations uncomfortable anymore, though. I consider most of them dull and unnecessary, yes, but they no longer leave me uncomfortable, which is a great improvement...

Like you said though, children are unaware of sexuality-related matters, so it could be that I've been one without identifying as such...

Thanks a lot for your reply, you've been a great help. :)

[Squawk]

I think there's a correlation. I noticed that I've become more and more asocial after realizing my aromanticsm. So, it's the other way around for me lol

I also am pretty sure they could be related... I just can't conclude wether it was being asocial that led to me losing sexual/romantic interest in people or wether it was my lack of attraction to other people that made me distance myself from social situations

Hmmm, this is where I could use a more competent therapist, damnit