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Australian article "What it means to be an asexual"


MystiqueSister

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MystiqueSister

This one from news.com.au turned up in my facebook feed yesterday.

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/what-it-means-to-be-an-asexual/story-fnet0gt3-1227066238403




What it means to be an asexual

WE’RE bombarded with images of sex hundreds of times a day and sex is a motivation for much of what we do. But what about those people who have no, or very little, sexual desire?

It’s estimated that 1 per cent of the population identifies as asexual. In a 2004 British study, one per cent of the 18,000 people surveyed about their sexuality ticked a box stating, “I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all.”

We spoke to two asexuals about their sexuality and perceptions of asexuality in Australia.

Maddy, 23, from Sydney

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Maddy first realised she was asexual at 18. Source: Supplied

“An asexual person is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone else. I don’t really have a sex drive. I’ve never experienced sexual attraction to anyone. I didn’t even know what asexuality was until I was 18 and that’s when I realised, ‘Oh, there’s a word for what I’m feeling’.

Asexuals may or may not have a romantic attraction. I know a lot of my asexual friends have relationships but they don’t have sex. There are asexuals who have a sex drive, but it’s not necessarily directed at anyone. They might feel comfortable with masturbation, but they’re not attracted to people. They might physically enjoy sex, but they don’t see a person and want to have sex with them.

When people first learn that I’m an asexual they usually respond with confusion, then try to invalidate my sexual orientation. When I explain that I’m not sexually attracted to anyone they say, ‘But you have to like guys or girls’. I say, ‘If you can like both, you can like neither, right?

There’s a huge lack of awareness about asexuals. People just don’t get it. They say things like, ‘Everyone has to have sex. Maybe you’re just gay or sexually repressed’. Or they say ‘Don’t worry, it’s probably just your hormones. You’ll grow into it.’

Some people are even say stuff like, ‘Oh asexuality, isn’t that like with plants?’ It’s irritating that some has the audacity to question my sexuality like that. It’s just like saying, ‘Oh, you like vanilla ice cream? That’s so weird, because everyone likes chocolate. Why don’t you just like chocolate too?’ I’m pretty sure I would know what my favourite ice cream flavour is.

It’s usually guys questioning my sexuality. A lot of them think I’m playing hard to get, or I’m a b***h, or a prude, and a lot of people ask if I’m religious.

I’ve experimented a bit with guys and girls and gender queer people, but I haven’t had sexual intercourse. While I found it to be OK, it was still a weird thing for me. I didn’t particularly enjoy it. I just found the whole thing really strange and I couldn’t understand why the other person was enjoying it so much. I thought, ‘This is really nice, but so is a massage.’ Sexual desire was explained to me as being like hunger — ‘You know how when you get hungry, you need to eat? Well it’s kind of like that.’ My response was, ‘I don’t want to deny you a meal, but I’m not on the menu.’

I’m an aromantic asexual. Aromantics make up about 1 per cent, of the 1 per cent of the population that are asexuals. I went through a phase where I tried a bit of dating and I realised it was something that didn’t interest me at all. So I went on being social with my friends and having lots of friends rather than having a romantic relationship.
I had a pretty rough time in high school so it was really good to find the asexual community online and on Tumblr. It’s a really open community. They’re good at explaining things and answering questions. They’re really accepting of people who don’t fall fully into the asexual category. It’s a great thing to be a part of.”

Edward, 23, from Melbourne

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Edward doesn’t have sexual desire, but still wants to find a romantic relationship. Source: Supplied

“Sexual people have a desire for sexual intimacy. When I look at people I still have a desire for intimacy, but I never really see that sexual aspect to it. You can have emotional intimacy or mental intimacy.

I’m asexual but I’m still romantic. I do have a desire for a romantic relationship. It’s something I do still stop and think about, that it would be nice to have that connection with someone. I’ve never been in a relationship but I’ve had people I’ve been close with. I’ve met people before where I feel this desire to be around them, but that’s all you really need.

There are many asexuals who have completely different perspectives on sexuality to me. There’s a huge spectrum. Some people have a very low level of sexual desire. And then you’ll get people who will be completely sex-averse and have no desire. I’m in the averse camp. I wouldn’t be comfortable having sex. I don’t see myself ever having it.

I first realised I was asexual in around Year 9, when everyone else was starting to think about sex. Most of my friends are comfortable with it and accept it. Some accept it, but don’t understand it.

I’ve met people who just don’t think that being asexual is a possible. They say things like ‘You just haven’t met the right person’, or ‘Just wait a few more years’.

When my friends are talking about sex I just have no clue about what’s going on. I’ve got to sit back and wait until the topic changes. You learn to extrapolate and see how other people who have sexual thoughts might see something, even though I don’t see that in myself.

Often I’ll say something that I think is totally innocent and not realise it’s full of innuendo. You need to consciously make yourself see that sexual aspect if you want to interact and talk to people about it. Sex isn’t something that comes to the forefront of my mind.

There’s a strong community of asexuals online and they have real-life meet ups. I’m actually going to one this weekend. We meet for a chat and play some boardgames and have a coffee. Anyone can come along and participate and join in. Asexuality isn’t very widely recognised. We’ve got to gradually have a presence and have people realise what it is.”

Edited by ithaca
added article
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mischevious_koala

Haha, you beat me to posting this. I posted this in the backup forum yesterday and I was going to post it in here when AVEN was back. Guess I wasn't the only one who noticed it ;)

I really like the article. It's a good summary of what asexuality is and how asexuality is perceved in the wider community

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reads article, finds it good.

then directly below the article is an ad of metting girls online...the world can be very funny sometimes

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nice article, thanks for the link.. and i never knew Tim Gunn was ace! :o..

it'll be an awesome day when people can begin to explore (and mention in articles) the whole other side to asexuality where people do feel sexual attraction, have high libido etc, just have no interest in, or enjoyment of, sex itself. there are many asexuals like this who are often pushed aside by the sexual and the ace communities, and told they are just a 'regular sexual who is broken and need to go to the docs'. yes there are sexual people who experience sexual dysfunction and docs can often help them, but there are asexuals like this who are perfectly happy being the way they are. They have no interest in sex, often no enjoyment of it, and are usually unable to carry on a regular sexual relationship because they do not want sex and their sexual partner does. they don't want 'treatment' though, they can't be 'fixed'.. this is who they are and it isn't something that can be changed or made better by a doctor. they are still very sexual seeming people, due to often having a high libido and the fact that they feel sexual attraction, however none of that translates into them being able to behave like a regular sexual person in the bedroom.. they are not often sex repulsed, but .. say if partnered sex is chocolate ice-cream, chocolate ice-cream is the one flavour they just cannot make themselves like, no matter how many times they try it. they just cannot enjoy chocolate ice-cream. they rather express arousal and intimacy with cuddles, kisses, sweet words, maybe kink, heavy petting etc etc, but no matter how aroused they are they do not desire sex. they are not broken, they don't need to be fixed. they are asexual people who do experience sexual attraction, contrary to what everyone says about all asexuals being people who don't experience sexual attraction heh. sure many don't! but there are plenty who do and still identify as fully asexual :)

interestingly enough even though there are many, many asexuals who feel this way, it's just something that is rarely spoken about even here and as far as I can find, never spoken about in articles or anywhere else in the media.

it'll be awesome when the entire spectrum of asexuality can be talked about and understood, the same way that hetero, homo, and bisexuality are broadly understood and accepted. that day will be wonderful :)

i apologise if there are multiple typos and gramatical errors in this reply, I'm on my phone and it's pretty useless for typing forum posts that make any actual sense haha

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I really like how the article explains that there isn't just one asexual stereotype, I wish I could read more newspaper articles like this one.

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Was nice to see Rebecca was actually interested in getting a wider view of the whole Ace community and the spectrum of different Aces.

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MystiqueSister

I was a little disappointed that both the aces interviewed were the same age (in the early twenties). It would have been nice to see at least two different age brackets represented.

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Ah well, maybe if the article gets interest she might do a follow up with different people.

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[re: sex]

While I found it to be OK, it was still a weird thing for me. I didn’t particularly enjoy it. I just found the whole thing really strange and I couldn’t understand why the other person was enjoying it so much. I thought, ‘This is really nice, but so is a massage.’

I love this quote.

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The girl with the pink hair was pretty! It is nice to see articles starting to appear about our orientation! Who knows maybe in 5 years it will just be as common as people knowing about the LGBT community!

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littlepersonparadox

Australia has been really ace friendly lately, it just seems that all the positive articles i'v seen are from there or Britain lately.

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