Getting married to a sexual person

[Hastings]

Hello Everyone,

So this is my first post here since this has been an issue in our relationship for a while and we both want to figure out a solution. First off my background, I'm male and 26 and I'm engaged to the love of my life.

I am not sure if I am asexual, but I do know my sexual desire is, at best, very low. Sex doesn't gross me out and I even enjoy it. However, I know the main reason I enjoy it is because of how good she feels after it and how happy it makes her. So for me, sex is all about what she wants and what she gets from it. I rarely have the desire to initiate sex and can go forever without it. I was a virgin until I was 24 and I met my current fiance. I never sought sex throughout my youth until I wanted a relationship. Even then I didn't want a relationship for sex, I just wanted a relationship.

As such, the only time we really have sex in our relationship is when my fiance initiates and this is becoming a huge problem. My fiance wants to be wanted. She wants passion in the bedroom and is an adventurous person when it comes to sex. She is getting to the point where "regular" sex isn't doing it for her anymore. Problem is, I am more than happy with regular sex and the idea of more passionate and adventurous sex just doesn't seem like something for me. I told her I am happy having sex, it's just I won't initiate because I rarely have the desire for it. I particularly won't be passionate and adventurous, as I am not a passionate person when it comes to that. She isn't satisfied with this and says she wants to be wanted and doesn't want to lead me every time we have sex.

Recently we haven't had much sex, perhaps every two weeks or so. This is because her interest in sex has gone down (due to it being less exciting) and combined with my lack of interest in general. She told me she masturbates most nights after I sleep and even dreams about other men now because she can't fantasize about me since she knows I'm not an adventurous sexual person. She can't fathom why I won't try harder for the good of our relationship, but I keep telling her it's not about trying, it's just not who I am.

Our relationship is so strong other than sex that neither of us can even envisage the possibility of breaking up. We love each other very much, are caring and playful in all other parts of the relationship and can't imagine life without each other. We are due to get married next year and are currently looking for places to do so.

However, I am at the stage now where I am scared I won't be able to fulfill her sexual needs now or going into the future. Her sexual desire seems to increase with time and mine has never been that high.

We're both at a dead end though. How can we resolve this issue when she needs me to be more passionate, adventurous and take initiative in the bedroom, and I can't do that for her as I have no sexual desire for it? We have also considered going to a sex therapist but would rather explore other solutions first.

The only solutions we can both think of is an open relationship, which I don't think would work for either me nor her, or her playing with herself which I am not convinced would achieve much either. If she has this lust for passionate sex, masturbation will hardly fulfill that.

Any successful married couples out there who deal with this kind of thing long-term?

[SuperHorace]

If I marry my only sweet (Which I want to do~~~), we'll hit that same issue. Except I don't even like sexual contact... I sympathize. But she's been very silent about sexual contact every since I discovered my asexuality. She's perfect~

[Sally]

"My fiancé wants to be wanted."

That simple statement demonstrates the real problem with sexual/asexual relationships. There's really no solution to that, because although someone can take whatever actions they can to compromise, they can't make themselves feel something they DON'T feel.

[Hastings]

If I marry my only sweet (Which I want to do~~~), we'll hit that same issue. Except I don't even like sexual contact... I sympathize. But she's been very silent about sexual contact every since I discovered my asexuality. She's perfect~

Well, being silent about issues is not perfect. Issues do not go away no matter how much you hide them. The reason I am here now is this issue has been resurfacing for the best part of a year. i know this issue will not just go away and we need to address before we get married. I would advise the same to you.

"My fiancé wants to be wanted."

That simple statement demonstrates the real problem with sexual/asexual relationships. There's really no solution to that, because although someone can take whatever actions they can to compromise, they can't make themselves feel something they DON'T feel.

Exactly, there really isn't a compromise to wanting to be wanted. People can't control their sexual desires. I can't ask her to reduce her sexual desires just as she can't ask me to increase mine. Sure I can have sex and I can initiate sex sometimes too, but I can't pretend my whole life I have a yearning for sex, when I simply do not.

Like people said on another thread, sex is like watching a movie together. It is far more enjoyable to watch it with a person who is also passionate about that movie, than a person who is simply going to that movie to keep you company. The same can be said about asexual and sexual intimacy. I understand why she feels like sex isn't the same when I am not passionate about it too, because it's not, but what can either of us do about that? It is really difficult to compromise upon.

One person suggested compromising outside of sex. If the sexual partner feels like there isn't enough sexual intimacy, find a way to be intimate outside of sex. Sure, there will be physical cravings that need fulfilling, but that is doable either alone or with the asexual partner (if they are willing).

For now I am just trying to find possible solutions, and all I have found is communication and compromise is the answer, but like you say, hard to compromise for not feeling wanted.

[AceTate]

I have been with my husband for 5 years. We even have a child together. We went through a hard patch where he didn't think I was attracted to him specifically but since we have both come to realise it's my orientation not him.

We do have sex but it isn't often. He is a very sexual person and i, while like you I am not grossed out, do not want sex.

He is satisfied with self pleasure and we sometimes do that together as a means of intimacy. In our relationship as long as I show him I love him things go smoothly. So far anyway lol.

[Hastings]

I have been with my husband for 5 years. We even have a child together. We went through a hard patch where he didn't think I was attracted to him specifically but since we have both come to realise it's my orientation not him.

We do have sex but it isn't often. He is a very sexual person and i, while like you I am not grossed out, do not want sex.

He is satisfied with self pleasure and we sometimes do that together as a means of intimacy. In our relationship as long as I show him I love him things go smoothly. So far anyway lol.

That's nice to hear and I'm pleased things are working out for you. Something like this would be great for me.

This may be a very general statement, but I've read many threads like your story, where the guy seems fine with having an asexual partner and he just satisfies himself. However, when the table turns and the woman is the one who is sexual and the man is asexual, I haven't read much success.

This may be off, but it could also be that women have a greater need to feel sexually desirable and their self esteem is largely reliant upon it. I know my fiances self esteem is much higher when she feels sexually wanted. It's sad I can't give her this and I try to reassure her, but it doesn't work. I get the impression my fiance feels less valuable and desirable as partner simply because I am not a sexual person.

Also, I think for many men (trying not to go down a sexist path, but rather a biological one here) sex is largely just a physical act. They can get that anywhere, even without any partner. For women it is more a time to share intimacy and passion.

[AceTate]

That's very interesting Englishmuffin. I have no insite but your last paragraph makes a lot of sense to me

[Frigid Pink]

"My fiancé wants to be wanted."

That simple statement demonstrates the real problem with sexual/asexual relationships. There's really no solution to that, because although someone can take whatever actions they can to compromise, they can't make themselves feel something they DON'T feel.

I used to think that all sexuals felt that way, however, some sexuals don't need to feel "sexually desired" and are happy with sharing sexual intimacy with someone who doesn't "sexually desire" them.

[Sally]

I didn't say or imply that all sexuals need reciprocative feelings. But many of them on AVEN have said that they feel sex isn't complete without their partners wanting sex with them.

[Frigid Pink]

I didn't say or imply that all sexuals need reciprocative feelings. But many of them on AVEN have said that they feel sex isn't complete without their partners wanting sex with them.

It came across as though you meant that was the problem for all "mixed" relationships, however, thank you for the clarification. I thought it important to provide another perspective (from personal experience) on that particular topic because, while many sexuals certainly do feel this way, all sexuals don't, and that's important to acknowledge for those of us in "mixed" relationships or open to them. It's important to determine how the individual person you're romantically interested in feels because "lack of sexual desire for them" may not be an issue for them.

[Ace of Cakes]

I don't really have any advice, but I will say while I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, your fears are pretty much what I'm afraid of looking way into the future...

[Sally]

English, if your fiancé is actually dreaming about other men because she knows you don't want sex, it is time to be very frank with each other about what marriage could mean for both of you. As I think I or someone said above, you can sometimes compromise on actions, but not with feelings.

[Lucinda]

You may want to seriously reconsider the getting married part.

Lucinda

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

This may be off, but it could also be that women have a greater need to feel sexually desirable and their self esteem is largely reliant upon it. I know my fiances self esteem is much higher when she feels sexually wanted. It's sad I can't give her this and I try to reassure her, but it doesn't work. I get the impression my fiance feels less valuable and desirable as partner simply because I am not a sexual person.

You're absolutely right in this idea; in Anthony Bogeart's book on Asexuality he has a chapter that deals primarily with gender roles and concepts in western society, and noted that exact thing. The idea that our society has is that the sexually desirable male should 'want' and the sexually desirable female should 'want to be wanted'.

Now obviously this is a load of misogynistic turd, and it appears that it's only a social concept, not a biological one, but it does seem to have a strong presence even today.

As for your marriage, have you considered some form of an open relationship on the sexual front? These don't always work, and when they do they need a lot of good, honest communication and trust. If it does work though, your (soon-to-be) wife could fulfil that desire to be wanted somewhere, since as you say, there are some things you just can't make yourself feel.

Good luck! :)

[deleted_account]

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[henshin]

I think this is a problem a lot of asexual/sexual couples face. I am also in a relationship with someone who desires sex and I'm happy to do it with then because it makes them happy. I'm also aware that I'm pretty boring in bed as I don't really have the desire to have adventurous or passionate sex like you. I don't think there is a real solution for this unfortunately, but I would recommend confiding your fears in your fiance as this is a problem you should share, sure you might be making her feel 'unwanted' but she is making you feel inadequate in your relationship.

The compromises I have tried have been to occasionally make special efforts to make sex unusual or kinky, or to take the initiative in a relatively aggressive way - sure its not because of sexual desire but its nice to make my partner that excited. I have also tried asking my partner about specific sexual fantasies they have and trying to fulfil them. I guess its kind of like acting.

As you say though, such things may have a limited shelf live when we're talking the rest of your life. I think you owe it to your partner to lay it on the line here though, she needs to make an informed decision about your future together and whether she is willing to compromise this aspect of herself.

[Touchofinsight]

Hello Everyone,

So this is my first post here since this has been an issue in our relationship for a while and we both want to figure out a solution. First off my background, I'm male and 26 and I'm engaged to the love of my life.

I am not sure if I am asexual, but I do know my sexual desire is, at best, very low. Sex doesn't gross me out and I even enjoy it. However, I know the main reason I enjoy it is because of how good she feels after it and how happy it makes her. So for me, sex is all about what she wants and what she gets from it. I rarely have the desire to initiate sex and can go forever without it. I was a virgin until I was 24 and I met my current fiance. I never sought sex throughout my youth until I wanted a relationship. Even then I didn't want a relationship for sex, I just wanted a relationship.

As such, the only time we really have sex in our relationship is when my fiance initiates and this is becoming a huge problem. My fiance wants to be wanted. She wants passion in the bedroom and is an adventurous person when it comes to sex. She is getting to the point where "regular" sex isn't doing it for her anymore. Problem is, I am more than happy with regular sex and the idea of more passionate and adventurous sex just doesn't seem like something for me. I told her I am happy having sex, it's just I won't initiate because I rarely have the desire for it. I particularly won't be passionate and adventurous, as I am not a passionate person when it comes to that. She isn't satisfied with this and says she wants to be wanted and doesn't want to lead me every time we have sex.

Recently we haven't had much sex, perhaps every two weeks or so. This is because her interest in sex has gone down (due to it being less exciting) and combined with my lack of interest in general. She told me she masturbates most nights after I sleep and even dreams about other men now because she can't fantasize about me since she knows I'm not an adventurous sexual person. She can't fathom why I won't try harder for the good of our relationship, but I keep telling her it's not about trying, it's just not who I am.

Our relationship is so strong other than sex that neither of us can even envisage the possibility of breaking up. We love each other very much, are caring and playful in all other parts of the relationship and can't imagine life without each other. We are due to get married next year and are currently looking for places to do so.

However, I am at the stage now where I am scared I won't be able to fulfill her sexual needs now or going into the future. Her sexual desire seems to increase with time and mine has never been that high.

We're both at a dead end though. How can we resolve this issue when she needs me to be more passionate, adventurous and take initiative in the bedroom, and I can't do that for her as I have no sexual desire for it? We have also considered going to a sex therapist but would rather explore other solutions first.

The only solutions we can both think of is an open relationship, which I don't think would work for either me nor her, or her playing with herself which I am not convinced would achieve much either. If she has this lust for passionate sex, masturbation will hardly fulfill that.

Any successful married couples out there who deal with this kind of thing long-term?

Please do not get married until you can find a suitable solution to this issue. Don't rush things. Marriage won't make your problems go away it will just further complicate things when unresolved issues resurface.

[Sally]

I know that some couples find compromises (I don't like the word "solutions" because it sounds like how each partner feels are "problems" -- instead of just differences). But from what I've read on AVEN, and what I've experienced myself, it doesn't get any better as years go by. The partner who is trying to please their husband/wife gets tired of doing so; the partner who wants real passion from their partner gets tired of that not happening. it's best to look at things very realistically before you get married.

[Bright Pink]

Sally 2 is right. In my 24 year marriage it did not get any better as time went on. We began using separate beds because I had to get up to a crying baby and ended up taking the baby into my bed to get some sleep.

We never went back to bed sharing (thank goodness) but by the end of my marriage the best I could do was to schedule a monthly visit to his room, which I just wanted to get over as quick as possible.

[Hastings]

Lots of responses here and I thank everybody for their input.

This issue seems to crop up perhaps every 2-3 months in a serious way, then after a day or two it subsides. My fiance has a habit of acting like the sky is falling one evening(on a scale of questioning our compatibility as a whole), then the next day (sometimes the same night) reassuring me that everything is fine and she is apologetic about how she acted. I've read a few other threads where women say this happens to them to, they are fine for the huge majority of the relationship, but once in a while a switch flicks and they let it all out. It's awkward because I don't know where I'm left standing half the time.

I did sit down with her the following day and asked her a few questions, along the lines of what she needed from sex, was it more so a physical thing she is missing or emotional. She said it is largely an emotional one, where she wants to feel like I desire her. I had read that some people successfully incorporate this into their relationship in other ways, so I asked if that was a possibility. She said she thinks it would be, if I were more attentive and vocal about my feelings towards her she may feel more desired. She would also like me to make more effort in ways such as holding hands more often when we walk, kissing her when she walks through the door, surprising her with flowers etc. etc. I can do this, it's just difficult to remember in all honesty. My mind doesn't naturally tell me go and kiss her when she walks in the door, and if I walk past a flower shop, my mind doesn't think I should buy her flowers spontaneously (I'm not a spontaneous person at all, it would have to be planned).

As for verbal compliments I have never been one to express myself in that way, so that is going to be difficult, but I can try. I'm more of a physical person (other than sex). We hug and cuddle and are playful all the time and to me that is just as intimate as sex.

Somebody mentioned an open relationship, but I know that wouldn't work for us. Either way, she isn't missing the physical aspect of sex. She said she doesn't mind sex every 2 weeks or so, which isn't often really. So, an open relationship wouldn't solve anything there.

I do think we could benefit from some therapy as we do struggle to communicate openly about this, which is why it boils up to an explosion of emotion for her every few months. It should be a continuous conversation about our needs, but each time it gets discussed, it is soon brushed under the rug to be forgotten about for a few months before it rears its ugly head once more. The only problem is, therapy is so expensive, I would rather not pay for it.

[ThoughtfulMind]

English, I am new to the realization that I am asexual, and I am in an 8 year marriage to my perfect match (who is sexual). We have been subconsciously adjusting our relationship over the course of the past 9 years. This has been a painful and tedious process. I wish i had just known at the beginning what was motivating us. It would have made the process much easier.

I write this reply to address your last post about her wanting more hand holding. You will need to be very very clear about this. Let her know that this would be romantic contact only, not sexual. The current problem with me and my husband is that each time I approach him romantically (which is rare) he feels that the door is open for sex. I'm currently attempting to approach him this way more and more when sex is impossible so that we are both comfortable (e.g. While grocery shopping or driving somewhere).

I guess the message here is that you can make it work if you are both determined and you will get to know each other better every year.

It is a rocky road, but every relationship is a process of learning to cooperate and live life together. It just means that this will be one of your issues in your relationship.

Have you discussed having kids?

[Touchofinsight]

I know that some couples find compromises (I don't like the word "solutions" because it sounds like how each partner feels are "problems" -- instead of just differences). But from what I've read on AVEN, and what I've experienced myself, it doesn't get any better as years go by. The partner who is trying to please their husband/wife gets tired of doing so; the partner who wants real passion from their partner gets tired of that not happening. it's best to look at things very realistically before you get married.

Sometimes differences are problems and compromises are temporary solutions to usually permanent problems/issues. Even if its only a sided issue its still something that needs to be addressed before you commit to someone for life.