I feel scared and confused, and I just need to get this out there...

[Zapstileon]

Forgive me for the long rant...

I am a man trapped in a womans body. No, not just that. I'm a gay man trapped in a womans body. Not that that's weird. People have that problem. I know that. I also admire those of you who go through with the operations and things. The thing is, I am terrified that it won't make a difference. I mean... I don't know... what if I did go through with it, and I still felt trapped? Because what if people would still see the girl they thought I was? Or what if I would still look in the mirror and see a female's chest, even if one wasn't there anymore? I've spent 19 years in this body, so what if it won't make a difference?

I have days when I think it doesn't matter what people see, because I am what I am, and they can't change that. Or times when I am out in the forest where no one is judging me for having to wear a sports bra underneath that way too big T-shirt, when I feel comfortable with myself because I can just forget that period I had two weeks ago and probably will have again soon. (Because I was never drastic enough for binding, and I never got as far as to stop those damned periods.) I have times when I am actually comfortable because my head is male and that's all that matters.

And then there are other times - mainly when I interact with people - when I am really not comfortable. I feel like... I don't know... I feel wrong. But then, I know that if I went to the local hospital, they'd turn me away, because I do wear my hair long and I don't exactly go out of my way to look male, because again, I am what I am. No clothes in the world can hide those two X's in my DNA anyway. I am terrified that even if I transition, I'll still know that I wasn't born that way. What if my own perception is going to ruin it for me? And yet, I can't help but look at two men together and think "I wish I could have that...".

I see cute straight couples all around, and none have that effect on me. None... I mean, they are sweet and all, but it's not the same... And I can't even look at women in a romantic way. I don't have a sex drive, because I can't deal with the way that works between a man and a woman... especially not if I have to be the woman. I just can't handle it. And I have tried it. I cried every time, and I thought for a long time there was something seriously wrong with me. Until I did some research and found this place. But that's like... over a year ago and I can deal with that now. I just don't do sex with people. Or relationships, for that matter.

My mother told me once that when she was pregnant with me, she was almost a hundred percent certain she was having a boy. She was going to name me David. Instead, she got herself a girl, for which she was thrilled until the girl turned out to hate going through clothes' stores with her because all the things were female and even if I were to go to the male section, it wouldn't change the fact that I was developing fucking boobs. I haven't even owned a proper bra since I was 16... I just wear the sports ones because they make me flatter and they are so much more comfortable.

I don't know. I guess I am writing this mainly to see how other people deal with it. I know a lot of you go through the operations, but there has to be people who learned to deal with it, right? Because I mean, as long as I don't look in a mirror or shower or am with people, I am perfectly one hundred percent content with who and what I am. I don't wish I was David, because I AM. But then other people come into the picture... What I really wish, is that I could meet someone who sees beyond the body and just sees David. Not Lily, or Maggie, or any of the other girl names I have gone by in my life. (My name was changed a few times. I thought I just hated the one my mother gave me. I didn't realize at the time that I hated the femininity of it.)

[newgirl]

Moon wish,

Have you tried to check out support group for transgender men and women

Trangender forum

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php

[nerdperson777]

You're not weird. It's okay if you feel like this. Someone I know, I mentioned a few times on this forum as a teacher of mine, is in the same situation as you, just started in a different gender. I first met her as this guy with long hair that everyone thought was a girl. It was not until I had a conversation with "him" did I learn that "he" likes to be called she and likes to do girl things. Me being absolutely clueless didn't know that her gender identity as a tomboy type girl actually meant she was transgender. She is a female but still likes girls.

From what I learned, don't let peer pressure dictate how you want to be. I know what I said above is a bit different from what you're experience, but just do what you think will make yourself happy. I'm a 10 year old boy in a 19 year old girl's body. I've decided that I'm not afraid to act more masculine. I always felt that I was wrong. No girl could feel what I was going through. No guy could experience this either. I also think that if I did transition, I wouldn't belong either. I'm just paranoid that everyone will know I'm not really male.

If you need anyone to talk to, I'm free to chat.

[Chardog]

I am similar to you, but not body dysphoric so it gets even more confusing to me.. I have male programming and I like boys like boys like boys, but I look at a male body and, as far as that goes, that isn't really me either. Not thrilled about the boobs, but don't hate them either. Can't trade them for an actual penis anyways (and the one thing I am dysphoric about is sex)...

In thinking about transitioning and weighing the pros and cons, for me it wouldn't really resolve any issues and it would create a lot more.. You really just have to go down the list of changes that it would bring and weight how those would affect you, positively or negatively, versus how you feel in your current state.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I don't know. I guess I am writing this mainly to see how other people deal with it. I know a lot of you go through the operations, but there has to be people who learned to deal with it, right?

I'm the other side of the gender coin, and the answer is, honestly, at times, not well. I can't get the op, I can't even do hormones because of medical problems. So like any other person determined to survive the best they can with broken steel and no sex appeal. I changed what I could and found ways to adapt and to find contentment in the Yin and the Yang, to create gender pastels in a monochrome world. I feel like I've been to the Mountain and back.

Most days, anyway.

And then there are other days like this song:

She's come undone

She found a mountain that was far too high

And when she found out she couldn't fly

Mama, it was too late

It's too late

She's gone too far

She's lost the sun

She's come undone

[Zapstileon]

In thinking about transitioning and weighing the pros and cons, for me it wouldn't really resolve any issues and it would create a lot more.. You really just have to go down the list of changes that it would bring and weight how those would affect you, positively or negatively, versus how you feel in your current state.

I guess this is largely why I feel like transitioning just wouldn't be the best option for me. It wouldn't solve as many problems as it might create. In the end, doing something like that might just ruin my options in life, or force me to start over in a different direction.

The idea, for instance, that no matter what I do, my birth certificate will still tell everyone the truth... that's not something I'd be happy to live with.

[Moon Ace]

This is not a long rant at all, at least not to me. I recognise such a lot of what you are saying, though I don’t feel any dysphoria or do I feel I’m trapped in the wrong body. I am as far as I can see hetero romantic… though I think the romantic part is a bit of an overstatement. I would not be interested in an operation and this would create an entire new set of problems, like others have said, though I wouldn’t complain if I were to wake up the opposite sex. It would at the very least make my social life a whole lot better. On the other hand, I don’t mind staying as I am either, though my ‘bits’ leave me indifferent. In a way that’s a good thing. I don’t have the hangups about them a lot or most other people have. ^_^

I describe myself (though, not openly) as unisex, which I guess is the same as androgynous. I too present as my birth gender and only people with good observation skills or those who don’t try and fit me into a narrowly defined box would say anything is different. I’ve been socialised my birth gender, which has had a more or less permanent effect on how I present and which has probably skewed how I would have been otherwise. That’s how it feels anyway. A lot of the time when I’m with other people I feel a bit fake as I realise I’m putting it on to more or lesser extent, behaving like my physical sex. This realisation has taken most of my life however and behaving differently to my natural self has come at a cost. I’ve always struggled a lot fitting in.

I have learnt after a long time of reflection, failed friendships, depression and emotional difficulty to accept myself as I am. It’s not an easy thing and it has to come naturally through reflection for it to work, rather than being forced, but for me at least, that has made life so much easier. Even the fact that I’ve basically given up on having close friendships (with sexuals), let alone a relationship, can’t detract from me feeling of ease with myself far more than any time in the past.

My parents insisted I was going to be a girl and didn’t have a boy’s name at all. So this part too resonates with me. I have a feeling they were initially disappointed, though they never said anything openly, and made me wear some really dubious clothes, though I was born at a time where a lot of fashion was erm... dubious. <_< I have a theory that if the mother has a strong, deep wish for a particular sex for her child, that affects the baby. I found out that there are two instances where the womb is flooded with hormones, of which one to determine or influence brain sex. I think that’s what is behind the way I am… not sure if you agree with this for yourself.

As for your question, after gradually growing into accepting myself the way I am, I don’t have to ‘deal’ with the situation anymore. I am most comfortable when I’m not confronted with my differences, but even then it’s become less and less of a big deal, if it ever was. So for me, acceptance and understanding are/were key. The only things I do have to deal with which are difficult, but even there acceptance is making its influence felt, is my difficulty in developing friendships with friends who accept me and won’t push me into a box that won’t ever fit me. Friends who do that are not friends I’ve learnt. Also, so far, I haven’t found anyone IRL who doesn’t expects things from me I can’t give or who doesn’t think I want things I don’t, if that makes sense… That’s what ruined most other friendships I’ve ever had…

As for people of the same sex, it’s extremely rare for me to share their interests and thinking and I find it difficult to talk to them. The few friendships like that I’ve had weren’t very happy so I don’t take any interest in that anymore… If I do come across someone… then that’s all right as well.

Acceptance is key for me here too. I’ve learnt that the more I struggle against it, the more it’s going to fight back and the unhappier I feel. It has taken me a lot of time, reflection and realisation though. Not sure if it will flow your boat, but I’ve taken a lot of comfort from reading Buddhist texts as well… (not the ultra religious kind) and listening to talks in the car, especially by Gil Fronsdal.

Sorry for my long message in turn… I hope it helps to some extent. Take care and don’t give up! There is nothing wrong with you! Sometimes we just need to take some time to work things out :)

[Zapstileon]

It helps to just... know that other people have the same problems. I too, realised I can't struggle against it. After reading everyone's posts and talking to some people, and even giving some advice on other topics, I just felt a lot of relief. Honestly, I wouldn't complain either if I suddenly woke up as the opposite sex. That would be great. I'd just fear that if it works one way, it might work the other way, and that just wouldn't be cool at all. :P

My parents insisted I was going to be a girl and didn’t have a boy’s name at all. So this part too resonates with me. I have a feeling they were initially disappointed, though they never said anything openly, and made me wear some really dubious clothes, though I was born at a time where a lot of fashion was erm... dubious. <_< I have a theory that if the mother has a strong, deep wish for a particular sex for her child, that affects the baby. I found out that there are two instances where the womb is flooded with hormones, of which one to determine or influence brain sex. I think that’s what is behind the way I am… not sure if you agree with this for yourself.

I think it's likely that it had something to do with whatever happened in the womb. I mean, even my mother thinks so... They were all so sure I was going to be male. Even the doctors and all. And then I was born and everyone was so surprised. My mother improvised a name because she didn't have one for a female. (Which is why the name doesn't work with me at all, male or no, I just can't deal with it. It hurts me mentally to hear it.) I suppose it makes sense though, that if the mother really wanted a female and the child was born male, the child might be confused as to which gender is more accurate. I'm no neurologist, but it makes some sense to me, somehow.

I've been thinking a lot, and it helps. I'm still confused, and I still don't really know what would be best for me in the future. I have no idea, and that's okay, because it might change, right? I might want to transition, or not. I don't think how I feel in my head is going to go away, but maybe it won't matter because I will know who I am, and that's initially all that should matter. I think.

[wyrdwyrm]

I've always wanted to be androgynous, but figured that women could cross the gender lines easier than men could (at least at the time I was growing up) and that I would just be okay with that. Except for being obviously female, every other part of me is right down the middle and I either relate to no gender or both at once, depending on the situation.

If it helps you feel better, I have a female-male trans friend who I just assumed was male when I first met him (post transition). If he hadn't told me about it I wouldn't even have wondered.

He's also been heavily involved in LGBT education since college and loves answering questions, so if you want another resource to talk to I'd be happy to make the introductions. (He's on hormones, and has had his breasts and ovaries removed - I think a full hysterectomy, too, but I can't remember for sure right now.)

He grew up confused and disgusted with the body he saw in the mirror and is so much happier now after his transition. :)

[Zapstileon]

I've always wanted to be androgynous, but figured that women could cross the gender lines easier than men could (at least at the time I was growing up) and that I would just be okay with that. Except for being obviously female, every other part of me is right down the middle and I either relate to no gender or both at once, depending on the situation.

If it helps you feel better, I have a female-male trans friend who I just assumed was male when I first met him (post transition). If he hadn't told me about it I wouldn't even have wondered.

He's also been heavily involved in LGBT education since college and loves answering questions, so if you want another resource to talk to I'd be happy to make the introductions. (He's on hormones, and has had his breasts and ovaries removed - I think a full hysterectomy, too, but I can't remember for sure right now.)

He grew up confused and disgusted with the body he saw in the mirror and is so much happier now after his transition. :)

I keep thinking I really should talk to someone who has done it, just so I know what my options are and stuff like that. I think I would be happier even as androgynous than I am right now. I don't want to take any rash decisions or anything like that. I have reasons for why I would not want to transition right now, but I would like to keep the option open and know what that option involves, I guess. Damn why is this all so hard?

[wyrdwyrm]

I've always wanted to be androgynous, but figured that women could cross the gender lines easier than men could (at least at the time I was growing up) and that I would just be okay with that. Except for being obviously female, every other part of me is right down the middle and I either relate to no gender or both at once, depending on the situation.

If it helps you feel better, I have a female-male trans friend who I just assumed was male when I first met him (post transition). If he hadn't told me about it I wouldn't even have wondered.

He's also been heavily involved in LGBT education since college and loves answering questions, so if you want another resource to talk to I'd be happy to make the introductions. (He's on hormones, and has had his breasts and ovaries removed - I think a full hysterectomy, too, but I can't remember for sure right now.)

He grew up confused and disgusted with the body he saw in the mirror and is so much happier now after his transition. :)

I keep thinking I really should talk to someone who has done it, just so I know what my options are and stuff like that. I think I would be happier even as androgynous than I am right now. I don't want to take any rash decisions or anything like that. I have reasons for why I would not want to transition right now, but I would like to keep the option open and know what that option involves, I guess. Damn why is this all so hard?

Because bodies enjoy not agreeing with our minds? ;) (In my mind I look totally different and I jump a little whenever I look in the mirror.)

But yes, learning more can help you make the decision you want, even if you have to mull it over quietly for a year or so. If you ever want to talk to my friend directly, just PM me and we can work out details there. He LOVES questions, especially the TMI ones, so he might be a good resource for you. (I mentioned that I recommended him on this site and he replied, "Oh, yes, please! Anytime!")

[butterflydreams]

I've been thinking a lot, and it helps. I'm still confused, and I still don't really know what would be best for me in the future. I have no idea, and that's okay, because it might change, right? I might want to transition, or not. I don't think how I feel in my head is going to go away, but maybe it won't matter because I will know who I am, and that's initially all that should matter. I think.

Hey, you sound just like me! When I do this, I call it thinking into inaction. I know it's tough, because it's obviously on your mind, and you're thinking about it, and if only you could think your way out of it. You must be able to, right? I've found that these things just. take. time. Thinking harder, and feeling confused (which is totally normal) aren't really going to change things. I hate regular "meditation" but I've found that other things, like bike riding, can really help clear out clutter in my mind to let what wants to come through come through on its own.

I wish you the very best of luck with this. :)

[Zapstileon]

I've been thinking a lot, and it helps. I'm still confused, and I still don't really know what would be best for me in the future. I have no idea, and that's okay, because it might change, right? I might want to transition, or not. I don't think how I feel in my head is going to go away, but maybe it won't matter because I will know who I am, and that's initially all that should matter. I think.

Hey, you sound just like me! When I do this, I call it thinking into inaction. I know it's tough, because it's obviously on your mind, and you're thinking about it, and if only you could think your way out of it. You must be able to, right? I've found that these things just. take. time. Thinking harder, and feeling confused (which is totally normal) aren't really going to change things. I hate regular "meditation" but I've found that other things, like bike riding, can really help clear out clutter in my mind to let what wants to come through come through on its own.

I wish you the very best of luck with this. :)

I find that some serious manual labour works to get my mind off things. I live in the forest, so I have the opportunity to do kind of 'farm-work' just without the animals. I get to carry heavy things and cut down trees and things like that. You get really beat up physically after, but it helps to forget the world and just... be. Meditation used to be a good idea for me, but I find I'm no longer patient enough for that.

Thanks for the advice. I haven't been on a bike for years actually. I prefer running and stuff to keep fit and clear my head.