Was everything affected by the incidents in my formative years?

[interpol]

Not sure if this is strictly sexual orientation related, but here goes anyway. Mods can move it if need be.

In therapy, I'm doing to myself what I do to others on a regular basis: identify factors that have led to my behavior and reactions. Figure out why I am the way I am. And I can trace over half of my behavior towards both sexes toward negative experiences I had very early on in life. Some people on here will know the extent of it; I don't feel like going into full detail here. But all of it did color how I deal with people of both sexes and people in authority.

Because the first traumatic incident happened during my formative years---I was ten years old---I could easily chalk my behavior back then up to stormy adolescence. But now that I have had time to think about it, it was partly my subconscious at work, telling me men were dangerous and authority was dangerous, and that you must raise your voice against them at all costs----and if you don't, you'll be back in the victim situation over and over again. When you have to deal with them, which should be kept to a minimum. That was the message I got.

Before that incident, I occasionally liked boys, or as much as a child can like a boy beyond "oh, he's nice to me and boys and girls who are friends really like each other romantically." I wrote a secret admirer note to a girl once without realizing secret admirer meant romantic interest, which wasn't what I was going for. I did like a boy or two after that first incident at age ten, but I hated when people would ask about who I liked, because most of the time I didn't like ANYONE except towards the end of middle school (and it was the same boy I'd liked in the fourth grade. Please explain that to me.) In early part of middle school, most people thought or teased----it varied depending on person----that I liked a boy I wanted nothing to do with, the philosophy being that if a boy is mean to a girl he likes her, and if a girl is mean to a boy she likes him, and that people who were mean or nice to everyone must be homosexual. (Of course, some were just spreading rumors for fun, but some actually believed this, which was pathetic.)

In high school, I did like one or two boys, but that (thankfully) went nowhere. They were going through their own brand of trouble and had very different ways of coping than me. After the second incident, though, that happened to me at age twenty in undergrad, I haven't liked anyone. I've been apathetic towards dating, and I think of "cooties" anytime someone tells me about their sex life in depth. Add to that a father that I never knew how to deal with because he would get angry at the slightest things, and a mother (and in middle school, the school) that very strongly pushed the "no sex till married or you will get AIDS and die" mentality. Oh, and eight surgeries for a chronic condition before I turned 13.

I don't know how much of my issues with authority, my avoidance or caution of the male species even if they seem harmless, and skepticism is because of all of that fear of not being in control, that fear of being the victim or the patient yet again where I am totally at someone else's mercy. I've known all along that no labels fit me. This was just my first foray into why, and the only conclusion I can make is that my head is screwed. And I really don't know how to move forward with this information. Am I a product of my circumstance, or a product of my decisions? What decisions do I make knowing my past circumstances?

[argar]

I think the past does have a lot to do with who we are, but I also think how we chose to deal with the past also determines what our future might.

The present is a gift. As bad as things get, we always have a few good days. They might be few at times, but that only makes them more precious. Pain sucks, but it makes us appreciate those days without pain.

I'm sorry your past sucked so much, I hope your present and future get a whole lot better.

I wish I could tell you something inspirational and hopeful about relationships, but I grew up in an okay home, but even as a kid I new the relationship between my parents was not a healthy one, and I just don't see how I can have a healthy one either. We might have that in common.

I'm sorry all I can offer is a sympathetic ear, I have never been that much into hugging.

I hope you have better nights and days as well.

[interpol]

Thanks. My main musing is whether my entire sexuality or lack thereof was changed somehow by all of this.

[argar]

It might of, but then the past is gone. It's kind if like surviving an earthquake, nothing is ever going to be the same, but you can rebuild. Sometimes stronger and more adaptable than before.

At least that's my take on it.

All you can really do is move forward as much as you can with what you have.

Again, just my opinion.

[butterflydreams]

Thanks. My main musing is whether my entire sexuality or lack thereof was changed somehow by all of this.

And what if it was? We're all the sum of an infinite number of factors, internal, external, biological, cosmological, etc. A change in any one of them could change who you are completely. But that's not what happened. All that stuff lined up and produced you as you are right now. And your experiences and thoughts today will be added to the sum to produce who you'll be tomorrow.

It's fun to muse about this stuff. You might gain a few insights into who you are, but I wouldn't stress over it too much. I'm curious as hell why I turned out this way. Sometimes I even lament how unfair it is, and wish I could cruise along like everyone else, but that gets me nowhere. I am who I am, and knowing why isn't going to allow me to change it.

[Exanimis]

Well.

I am far from being a specialist of any sort, and I qualify to give you advices as much as you would expect.

But from the data provided here, it seems to me that your experiences might have attenuated your intrinsic nature.

There is one thing called Status quo bias which, is what defines the agency of your ability to change how you act.

Maybe, your natural self, is devoid of sexuality, asexual, lacks interest in sex whatever you want, and, the experiences --that is, the fears, insecurities and trauma provided by those experiences-- did nothing but attenuate or exteriorize your inner-self.

On a side note, I don't know what your experiences were, but as a result of an experience early in your life, maybe you had already developed some abhorrence (? I don't even know if that is a word and probably is not the best word) for authority and the like, and, subsequent bad experiences with the subject might have, once again, inflammated a wound you already had in regards to this.

I might have just rambled incoherently but, I hope it helps you.

Oh, and you are not "screwed in the head", get rid of this mentality.

Good luck out there, cheers!

[interpol]

Well, here's the thing: I believe that the only thing that tells true nature of a person is time. It is important to know why someone is the way they are so you can decide how much you really want to deal with them. :P

As I've said earlier, I don't believe in labels because that is a very permanent term for what is likely to be a very temporary feeling for a lot of people. What I do believe in is knowing where you're coming from and making decisions with that in mind. I also believe that people who have had trauma in their past need to get over it without a relationship in their lives first, and I am in professional help for that purpose. What I don't know is whether I am basically making it a point not to have a relationship because of the possibility that things could go horribly wrong.

[Exanimis]

Well, here's the thing: I believe that the only thing that tells true nature of a person is time.

It is hard to disagree. :)

It is important to know why someone is the way they are so you can decide how much you really want to deal with them. :P

Indeed.

As I've said earlier, I don't believe in labels because that is a very permanent term for what is likely to be a very temporary feeling for a lot of people.

Of course, labels for me come around only to present one of a thousand other traits I have, in order to clarify how I act/think/behave in a specific aspect.

Also, it doesn't need to be permanent, it can be fluid. You don't need to think like "Oh no, now I'm asexual right now so, I can't/won't like/do sex for the rest of my life". I'm using asexuality because it helps to present a nice example which people relate, but you can switch that label (sexual orientation) for any other (political orientation per example) in case it fits. People get too attached to labels, labels are means, not ends.

What I do believe in is knowing where you're coming from and making decisions with that in mind. I also believe that people who have had trauma in their past need to get over it without a relationship in their lives first, and I am in professional help for that purpose.

It is fair, I also believe that. But I also believe that sometimes, the relationship itself is a tool to figure ourselves out and be sure of our insights, and the way we are exactly.

What I don't know is whether I am basically making it a point not to have a relationship because of the possibility that things could go horribly wrong.

Well that I can't answer, unfortunately.

I went through a few relationships and a few experiences and I couldn't have figured myself out without those experiences.

I don't know if I am being able to help, maybe I am missing the point, maybe it seems I am trying to convince you of something and if so, I sincerely apologize, really.

All I'm trying to do is to present you my side/experiences/pov whatever so it can add a little bit of meaning to you. :)

Good luck friend. Hope it helps. @}-

[argar]

I think in general any relationship is 50/50.

There is no perfect formula for relationships.

Granted, some of us may have unique circumstances, but nobody is perfect. So no relationship can be perfect.

We all hope for the best, but plan for the worse.

[Sally]

Keep in mind that many sexuals have had bad experiences -- some probably similar to yours -- and although some are afraid of relationships, it hasn't necessary changed their orientation. I've known a number of sexual women who have gone on to good sexual relationships after they've worked out their trauma issues. And many asexuals on AVEN during the 6 years I've been here have expressed that they haven't had trauma in their background.

[interpol]

This is certainly true that not everyone who had said trauma can let it impact them to the point where they avoid relationships. I know that recovery can happen. The question is can it happen for me. What works for a group of people doesn't always work for an individual.

I'm also at a stage where I'm re-evaluating the friendships I do currently have with people, and wondering whether being friends with any of them is holding me back. While I don't think that necessarily plays into the fact I haven't dated, at least not as much as the traumas I've experienced, I do think people tend to be influenced by who they hang around/hung around. Everyone has something wrong with them, but it's really a matter of degree more than anything else.