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Help me Aven, You're my only hope


LoveTheOneYoureWith

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LoveTheOneYoureWith

So I've been lurking around for the last couple of months trying to get a better understanding on what Asexuality means and I have to say that many of the posts here have helped me a great deal to understand what it is and things to try to handle the situations I'm currently facing with my partner but I have hesitated to post anything after seeing some of the responses others have gotten. I come to you because my pool of confidants just isn't helping me out at all when it comes to my current predicament. I don't even know really what it is I am looking for whether it be advice, guidance or reassurance but I come to you all here in hopes that something will come out of my rant/post from people who know what it is like to go through this. (some parts may be a bit TMI but not graphic, and I deeply apologize for the length - it's what happens when you sit on things for way too long I suppose)

I suppose I should start at the beginning, I met my partner about 4 years ago (during a trip we both took with a group we are associated with) and I instantly took to her as a very good friend. Now at this point in my life I have dated only men, well gender wise anyway as I can not confirm the same standing to their actual maturity level. So, when we met she did tell me she identified herself as asexual and went on to briefly explain that she didn't feel attraction to anyone. I took this to mean that she just didn't date/feel that way about anyone, never did I think it meant sexually based as then I was still a bit on the naive side. So from there our friendship grew and we started hanging out more and more until the trip came around again (it's a once a year thing) and we went off to hang with our own camps. Now since she had to come to my side of the camp ground in the morning for her work shifts she volunteers to do she brought me breakfast every morning on her way to her post. This started the misconception that we were "sleeping together" by my friends. Probably not my wisest moment, but from there we kind of just went with it, after all what did it matter? I had identified as straight so nothing would ever go on. And much like one of those lifetime channel romance movies I started see her differently over time and would eventually fall madly in love with her. As you can imagine this caused a great deal of confusion for me just on the principle that I had always though I was in to men, but then here was this wonderful, smart woman stealing my heart. Also made even more confusing by the fact that I was under the impression that she was simply carrying on the charade we had started during our second trip. It never even occurred to me that she loved me as well, as the "friend-zoned" statement had always stuck with me from our first conversation when we had met. So at the beginning of the year I confronted her about it, and wouldn't you know I was given the "are you serious" conversation, they had been serious feelings towards me all along. So that made me elated! She never did tell me anything else about really what asexuality was, and when I tried to ask her about it she always seemed to get defensive (pure curiosity fueled most of my questions), granted some were probably a little more probing than most but I just wanted boundaries. I was changing the game and I wanted new rules, what was okay and what wasn't. She told me she wanted all the couple stuff without the sex. I figured that wouldn't be too bad, I've never had sex so you can't miss what you've never had right?

And here is where I am currently stuck, I can say with honest certainty that I truly love her (as sappy and hallmark as that sounds). But with that has presented it's own frustrating problems to which I will start with the most tame. She stated she wants all the couple stuff without the sex, but now I am beginning to think it's more of her idea of a relationship she wants. I have dated before and granted there hasn't been anyone really solid since after high school (I'm only in my early 20's) but any time the subject of anything past hand holding came up I was usually rewarded with indifference or a disgusted expression. You can imagine what that has done for my self-esteem. So I get hugs and kisses on the cheek very seldom (I can count the times of both combined on one hand) and I get snuggles (spooning, we share a bed). The thing is that, it means more to me when she initiates it, it shows me that she wants to do it rather than just putting up with me and again, even the snuggles which she has told me she enjoys now seems to be just a chore for her. But back on to the main problem I have internally. One of our friends while we were on our last trip was with me as we passed her on the way back to camp and made the comment (since the friend had kidnapped me for the day and I hadn't seen my partner since morning) that she should give me a kiss. Now I knew how she felt about this subject as kissing on the lips had been taken off the table (as well as anything else past snuggles) but to actually see the pure disgusted expression she made at the very thought of having to kiss me really hurt. Now lets pause this train and come back to it in a moment....

Flashback about 6 months ago, now here is where all you sexual frustration peeps can chime in and inserting the TMI warning. Now I have no idea how it is for anyone else but me but, while I have not had sex I have masturbated, in fact it's a great way to relieve stress. Now in my fantasies I was always involved with someone else but they never had a clear face, I was never engaging in these activities with anyone in particular. Now previously to where I'm going with this my brain/imagination/libido/whatever had started to slip my partner into these fantasies, never getting to actually engage the fantasy her in anything because well, I just don't do that with friends. Anyway, skip a head to after we were established as in fact dating, and by this point I had asked her if sex would ever be a possibility (she has been the first and only person so far that I have trusted, loved and felt comfortable even bringing the subject of sex up with) and was answered with she didn't think she would ever be able to do it with me. So I took the no for what it was and haven't broached the subject since. Now since I had established myself as dating her my brain then thought it would be fun to throw her into my fantasies full force and I thought, well it's in my head what could it hurt right? Well now ladies and gentlemen is when you find out just how defective I am. When the sex subject came up she flat out told me that she wouldn't mind if I went outside the relationship to fill those needs, and well, I don't really think of sex as a need. I can be self sufficient and so long as there is a healthy level of other affections on my idea of a relationship scale things should be fine. Well I believe strongly that you don't do that, if you look in the dictionary under monogamous you will probably find a picture of me there. It's never just sex. So when my brain threw me the fantasy I figured what could it hurt. The answer to that question is me, it can hurt me. Never did I ever imagine what I would feel like after I had finished. Yes the fantasy was great, and something I would actually love to do but afterward there was no relief, no happy feelings that had come so many times before. I was left with guilt and I felt truly ashamed at myself, she had said no and even though it was just in my mind I had crossed a line. So I have since refrained from taking any action in that department and giving celibacy a shot. While yes masturbation has been something I have enjoyed in the past, when things like that pop up it leaves me feeling worse than the nagging feeling you get for not finishing when you start.

So, going from there, on the approved affection list seems to be only snuggles and for this now a days it is a scarce thing. My partner works 60 hour work weeks, and while I know she hates people and "recharges" by having her alone time (usually consisting of hours upon hours of solitare or fanfiction) I hardly ever see her anymore and physical contact time has been reduced to only a few hours one night when she's off and she'll spoon until I fall asleep and then she's gone again. I knew she didn't like the over bearing touchy feely stuff. Most of this I knew going into this relationship but what really upsets me is that she will preach to anyone who will listen that "communication is the most important part of a relationship and if you don't communication it won't work. You don't have to have sex to be in a relationship." She really likes to throw that last bit around too. Now, as you can imagine in no way do I wish to jeopardize my only source of approved available contact from her but, what's that saying, it's all fun and games until someone gets a boner. She is exhausted coming after a 60 hour week and for those of you who don't know when you go to sleep after something like that you get usually the good, rem inducing deep sleep. Now unfortunately for me when there is snuggles after this she usually is in such a deep sleep that she doesn't know that she wiggles a whole hell of a lot and her hand tends to roam causing some pretty serious tension and problems down stairs.

Now when I brought this problem up before she didn't really seem to be listening to me so when I brought it up recently as it continued to be a problem, she told me that she had "blacked out" the previous conversation (I guess the thought of her turning me on made her uncomfortable, she has said before she enjoys masturbating but the thought of adding someone else in doesn't work for her. I guess that is what is causing that current conversation blockage because for someone who reads nothing but smutt fanfiction the idea of sex itself couldn't possibly be it), in all most a joking tone. I never want to pressure her or make her uncomfortable but I should be able to tell her when something is wrong. Especially when it's something involving her, and while I don't expect her to be able to wake herself up in her sleep and stop, I just want her to be more mindful of what she is doing when she can. I recently tried to discuss with her as well my requested need for more physical contact, not sex, just more snuggles initiated by her, anything on that spectrum, etc. It blew up in my face and turned into a argument about how she works all week and just wants to be away from people. I have tried to communicate with her, as she values this but we simply don't speak the same affection language. The things I now really wish to do (things I have never felt the drive to do with anyone before) I can't, I can't tell you how many times the moment has been just right and I have wanted nothing more to lean in and kiss her, but have to remind myself that she doesn't want it.

She doesn't know about my current celibacy plan, which would probably make more sense to her my recent behavior as I have been more grouchy than normal and short tempered. Nor does she know about the reason behind why the face she made at the thought of kissing me hurt so badly, though I have tried to talk to her about that as well. It just, it seems like if it's not about her she's not interested. There never seems to be a good time to sit down and talk to her about this things and unfortunately that leaves me feeling unwanted and alone. Everything that is currently running through my head to do to show her affection I have to stop and remind myself that that's off the table, and things I try never seem to be enough or right (making sure she has lunch to take with her to work, etc). I know she loves me, I wouldn't still be around if she didn't, but my past relationships have left me uneasy and the lack of affection that I acknowledge as affection is just causing problems.

I have gone to my normal support system about this and they keep telling me to talk to my partner about this, they all too know how she values communication. I just, I don't know what to do. I love her but there are things going on that if left addressed for much longer are going to become serious issues. And before anyone gets on me about possibly pressuring her for sex, no that's not where this is going, if she ever feels comfortable to even try with me then I would happily participate, if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen. All I am asking from her is something more on my affectionate scale, being more intimate or longer physical contact times. I just, I don't know how to approach this to her without her getting defensive or turning it around and thinking it's about something it's not. Do any of you have any ideas? Did this make any sense at all besides the obvious needed vent that it is? Any suggestions on how to smother some of these fires? I have seen many claims that mixed relationships don't work but we aren't like everyone else, everyone's situation is different and I am willing to do as much as I can to keep this continuing to work.

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New Strawberry 8

Sorry to answer your story with another story, but for a year I had sex with my boyfriend (I'm asexual) and was miserable. I did it for him, and though it was a constantly traumatic experience for me, I continued because I didn't know how to explain to him that something that he loved so much was something that felt like it was killing me. After a year of suffering I realized that I needed to tell him how I felt, and though it was by far the scariest thing I have ever done, I sat down with him and told him I was asexual and couldn't handle having sex anymore. Prepared for a brutal breakup, I was surprised to be answered with love and acceptance.

I understand that it gets old to hear "you just need to be open about things with your partner," but it is the best way to go about things. Either it ends well and you both can be more open with each other, or you realize you can't be together and you don't have to be concerned anymore.

Also I understand that you want to make it work, but if you find physical intimacy (even just cuddling) so necessary while she is not so fond of it, you should consider the possibility that the two of you might not be compatible. Either way, the first step is to be completely honest. Tell her you need to be held to feel her affection (or however you want to word it), and tell her how it hurts when she reacts to the idea of kissing so negatively.

And remember, I and many others have tried pretending to make their partners happy, and if it is so difficult for you, it's not good for anyone.

My confession to my boyfriend ended well, but I still lived through a year of misery trying to be what I wasn't, and I can never get that year back.

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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Just to reassure you, you don't sound like you are pressuring her. You do seem to be making all the compromises to keep her happy, though.


There are many out there who aren't into snuggling and have varying degrees of introversion, and there's nothing at all wrong with that. Sex will probably never happen, and you seem to get that. But no sex, and no affection? That seems to be really getting you down. If she won't talk to you after a long day at work, or give you a hug once in a while, I can't say that bodes well for the relationship, just because you two seem to be on such different wavelengths for affection in general :(.


I don't think there's any way to smother the fires, as you put it. The longer you've known her, the more you feel you need some form of affection. You've tried to talk to her, and it blew up in your face. I think you have to decide how many more times you want to talk about it with her, how much time you want to give her to make changes (if any), and what you want to do if things don't get better.

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LoveTheOneYoureWith

Sorry to answer your story with another story, but for a year I had sex with my boyfriend (I'm asexual) and was miserable. I did it for him, and though it was a constantly traumatic experience for me, I continued because I didn't know how to explain to him that something that he loved so much was something that felt like it was killing me. After a year of suffering I realized that I needed to tell him how I felt, and though it was by far the scariest thing I have ever done, I sat down with him and told him I was asexual and couldn't handle having sex anymore. Prepared for a brutal breakup, I was surprised to be answered with love and acceptance.

I understand that it gets old to hear "you just need to be open about things with your partner," but it is the best way to go about things. Either it ends well and you both can be more open with each other, or you realize you can't be together and you don't have to be concerned anymore.

Also I understand that you want to make it work, but if you find physical intimacy (even just cuddling) so necessary while she is not so fond of it, you should consider the possibility that the two of you might not be compatible. Either way, the first step is to be completely honest. Tell her you need to be held to feel her affection (or however you want to word it), and tell her how it hurts when she reacts to the idea of kissing so negatively.

And remember, I and many others have tried pretending to make their partners happy, and if it is so difficult for you, it's not good for anyone.

My confession to my boyfriend ended well, but I still lived through a year of misery trying to be what I wasn't, and I can never get that year back.

I understand what you are saying, and I have tried to be open and honest with her, and to a degree she has with me, though a bit reluctantly with some subjects. If it was something that made her miserable then I wouldn't even push, it's not fair to her to make her do something she doesn't want. But the baffling thing is that there was a great deal more physical intimacy before when she thought I wasn't interested in her as "dating", which also makes me wonder if there is something else going on there. But I am happy for you that things at least ended well with you. And if it does have to end for me that I only hope it will end on amicable terms. She was adimate when I confessed to her that if there comes a time where she isn't my choice that it would be okay. For the longest time she said that she needed to find me a boyfriend. It's new ground for me, and a bit scary but I thank you for your words of wisdom :)

@lumos-nox: It's not even necessarily at the end of a work day, as she works nights. Think of it like the old romance movie Lady Hawk, so I've been used to my time being on days off which I was okay with but recently she's just been going and going and pushing herself too far that she doesn't really want to be around anyone it seems. There has also been a lot of other life things going on with us too that are causing stress but it's just, going from a great deal more to barely any. I understand she needs to unwind and do it her way and I understand and accept that. I think that I may have to suck it up and have a real sit down with her the next time she has a few days off in a row so she will at least be well rested and receptive to conversation.

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New Strawberry 8

When I say that you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to, I'm speaking about both of you. If you need intimate affection but can't get it that isn't good for you either. I only know what you've said, but it seems like you two could figure out a happy medium, and if not could still stay friends.

I hope it goes well for you, whatever you choose to do. Good luck!

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Ok so number of things here, but want to say firstly it sounds like you have been a super supportive partner and don't blame yourself or feel bad for having affection needs - they are just as legitimate as your partners' needs

1) Why does your partner work so much? Is there any way she can reduce her hours? 60 hours per week is so much work and sounds pretty unsustainable long term as it must be exhausting and I doubt even a sexual partner would be up for much sex or intense romantic contact after that amount of time.

2) I feel like you need to be more demanding of your partner. As you say you have not pressured her into sex ever, and you take what you can get with the affection without really pushing for loads more, but its horrible that your partner can't even control herself to not look disgusted at relatively normal partner interaction, especially in front of others. That is just rude and insensitive, regardless of someone's asexuality or not. It sounds like your partner is using asexuality to mask some other behaviours which have nothing to do with it.

3) As hard as it sounds, it seems like you're in a change or leave situation. You need more affection in your life, given willingly, and you would be interested in try sex. Your partner is giving you the bare minimum to sustain yourself. This is completely her prerogative but it is fine to come to the conclusion that the compromise you are being offered is just not enough. It sounds like you are doing all the compromising and its hard to see what she is getting out of the relationship. If she won't change, they I think you ought to leave. Don't try and damage yourself by making sexual fantasies forbidden fruit or thinking you're not worth affection and love in the form you desire.

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LoveTheOneYoureWith

There have been a number of things that started the 60 hour work weeks, she works at a hospital so it's in 12 hour shifts anyway but there have been other factors in to her picking up the extra few nights. Hopefully soon she'll be able to cut back on them though. As for the expression, in her defense when I had confronted her about it initially (just about her doing it) she hadn't realized she had done it. She feels that way about kissing anyone, not real big in intimacy past cheek kissing or hugs with anyone. She does show affection in her own way, for example when she's sleeping after her shift she doesn't normally want anyone near her but has made an exception for me which has been fantastic, as odd as that sounds. There are other things she is doing that she has said are outside the norm for her and for that I greatly appreciate it. In the long scheme of things the relationship I guess you could say is relatively new. We've been "together" for a few years but haven't together together all that long, if that makes any sense. As for the fantasies bit, I don't think there's anything anyone but me can do to fix that. That's just the way I'm wired, very loyal and unfortunately in the relationship department very insecure. I don't think she should have to change, just give me a bit more slack. I had the brilliant idea of a weekend away the other night and started looking into cabins up near the mountains close by to us and figured if she was game for it that would be a nice idea to just get away and decompress. A few nights in solitude away from people could do a world of good I think.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read your complete story. I can somewhere relate to your frustration because I feel the last guy I had been was also going through same frustration as you are. I know that when we slept, I hardly knew or felt the sexual intimacy whereas he would feel that I'm getting aroused and want him to do more. So, many times his roaming hands would wake me up and I had to ask him to stop. But, later he was more bold, he was clear that he can't control himself. Only, good thing was that at last moment he stopped himself. He had fear that I would harm myself if he forced further, but still it was good he didn't cross his limit. I felt bad too for him, but then I didn't have any right on him and even if I would have sacrificed and gone against my wish, I would have hated myself. He has left me, hasn't talked to me since then.

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Dear OP, I'm not sure this reply is still relevant to you, but I'd like to share my thoughts anyway. Note that I'll be relating to my own experiences, and that I'll go by assumptions based on what you described. Nobody knows the situation better than you, so what I say in this post should only be considered a possibility.

From what you said, you seem to be in a situation that I have often experienced: One person in the relationship being highly dependent, emotionally attached and willing to sacrifice, putting a lot of energy into the relationship. The other one being unwilling to invest into the relationship, to reflect on it, or to introspect themselves.

In essence, such a relationship works because both parties are insecure and express it in different ways: One has an essential need to give, being okay with not receiving. The other has an essential need to receive, being unable to give in return.

It seemingly works because the one giving receives a kind of satisfaction that they can not otherwise get, and the one receiving is sufficiently non-introspective to ignore the fact they're essentially using the other.

However, in such a situation, you will not be able to effect any change. If she started looking closely at herself and your relationship, it would probably not just mean realizing that she's hurting you, it would probably also mean looking at other things in her own life/mind that she doesn't want to deal with, or is unable to. The fact she's focusing so much on her work supports this theory.

I realize you believe that you love her. I know the feeling. For me, I couldn't allow myself to give up, but I also learned to be honest, and to express my honest feelings without fear. That directly led to that person seeking distance and ultimately cutting off contact. It hurt a lot, but in the long run it was good for me, as dealing with the pain strengthened me, and knowing that I didn't give up until the end, without compromising my feelings for her, strengthened me even more.

I'm not sure what the best course of action for you would be, but from my own experience, I recommend something along those lines: Stand by your own feelings, by your own desires. Even if they're not satisfied, you can still express and accept what you wish for. Your partner will then be left with the choice of starting to really accept you for who you are, or to leave you. Whichever the choice, it'll be better for both of you than to keep up the current charade.

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littlepersonparadox

Relationships work based on a number of things. Compromise is one of them.

First off having sexual fanaticises about your partners fine. Far as I'm concerned you havens done anything wrong. If she s not comfortable she's not comfortable but she's going to have to at least give you more information to get the relationship on track if it can.

As the poster above pointed out many people have issues where one side gives everything(you) and the other doesn't put in effort/bare minimum. And this issue doesn't just happen where sex is concerned.

The first relationship I had ended because of the ace thing but there was a lot more to it than that, looking back neither one of us knew how to communicate at all, I was hesitant to explain my feelings because saying "I want to kiss you but not have sex right now so badly" was terrifying to say so I didn't. If she can't intimate even conversation it's safe to say you may not be compatible. However I thing all the other advice here sums everything up well. You need to to get your partner to talk to you and not just about ace stuff. Start by just casual conversation. I know I might have opened up more if the starting conversations he initiated were to start off with how was your day/ did you hear that hey are makeing a gothem tv show based around batman your favourite superhero. That eventually progressed info sexual stuff. "Ie this show had a make out scene what do you think about that? Etc."

Perhaps it's just me but I'm more comfy expressing my feelings on sex when I'm discussing a hypothetical couple.

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What you say hits home. I am kind of like your girlfriend. Ask her how she feels about hand holding and kisses on the cheek if she just really doesnt like it or if it makes her uncomfortable to be affectionate in public. That is a problem i have. When it was just me and the guy I had no problem being affectionate but in public i was too embaressed especially in the begining to even hold hands. It took so long for me to not feel anxious while holding his hand in public. And he is the kind of guy that was to be affectionate where ever in private or public. In public it would overwhelm me, but i have all sorts of pronlems such as anxiety and i suspect i am an introvert. So i feel best with a few amount of people. But i enjoy when he would send me cute poem texts.

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  • 3 weeks later...
LoveTheOneYoureWith

Thank you all for all of your advice! I was able to speak with my girlfriend recently about all that was going on, and expressed my feelings and uncertainty about what was going on. The attraction problem is new to me as I've never felt this strongly for anyone before. She mentioned that maybe I should look up Demi-sexuality, and you know what after doing that I have to say that makes a whole lot of my current issues make sense. I'm not going to straight up place a label but, considering (possible TMI) that for as far back as I can remember the way my brain has worked with my fantasies was that the act was always done to me or with me involved but the person...I didn't really know them if that makes sense, as in it wasn't any one in particular or anyone I recognized but I got a sense that I really knew them and it was always a feeling of someone I cared for. Which would make a whole hell of a lot of sense in my current predicament of her being the center of my fantasies. I have a feeling that if this is indeed true this may cause more problems than solve them but at least with our conversation she now knows how I feel and how what has been going on has affected me. I am still hopeful that one day there will be more intimacy, not necessarily sex as I know that is something that she will most likely never be comfortable with but, it's the little things.

We went camping with friends this past weekend and that was a great time to just spend time with her and her to recover from all the work she's been under. It was a wonderful weekend with much snuggling and cuddling and the contact that I desperately needed. I know topics like the ones I've had to trap her in in order to express my problems make her uncomfortable and if I can take care of it myself I would but she now knows that there are some times that I need her to stop or try to avoid doing certain things. But I thank you all for your advice and it has helped me greatly! I hope to be able to come back and spread good word that this relationship is flourishing even further down the road, but at least for now we are both happy and in a good place again. :wub:

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