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Isn't demisexuality a description for the "typical" female sexuality?


Try_to_make_sense

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Try_to_make_sense

I have been pondering this question seriously since I came across the term demisexuality 10 days ago.

So often I (you?) hear that for women sexual attraction really is not about the physicality of it, but about the mind and about connection.

I know how my sexuality as a woman works, but that is really all. How do I know how it is really like for other women? But I so much would love to know.

I have always kind of assumed that in the end every human ticks like me and the tendency to want sex without emotions comes from being surpressing your own emotions (as most men are taught to do in our societies). I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this might not be entirely accurate ;) But this now raises question for me:

Isn't it just how most women tick ... demisexuality I mean? Or am I still being naive.

I wish there was some research done into this. I cannot simply approach any woman that I meet and ask: How does sexual attraction work for you? And as much as I want numbers for the women of the world, I so much want numbers for men too. Since I am hoping like crazy to meet a man like that and I am fearing that they are so rare, that I never will. I want to know my real chances ... so strange how tables seem to be turned in this realm. Now I as a woman feel like I have to really be proactive to find a man like that.

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Hi there!

there are plenty of sexual women who enjoy sex just for the sake of it. they love the sensations, the playfulness,the kinkiness..etc etc there is nothing wrong with that at all of course.. women have every right to express their sexuality in any way they choose as far as I am concerned,as long as no one is getting hurt (against their will ;) ) in the process.

Demisexuality means that a deep emotional bond has to have formed before a person is able to desire partnered sex. it's very different from 'basic sexuality' (poor choice of words I know) in that for many sexuals, they are able to enjoy and desire partnered sex without that deep emotional bond. A demisexual person is practically asexual (no desire for partnered sex) UNTIL they have formed a deep bond. whereas many sexuals are still fully sexual (can be celibate at the same time) regardless of the 'status' of their emotional bonds. (wow my English is bad tonight haha)

I do think that there are a LOT of demisexual people out there who just do not know the term demisexual, but I in no way think that all sexual women are demisexual. That is just not the case, at least from what I have seen of female sexuality (and I have seen a lot)

Hope that helped :)

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WhenSummersGone

For me Demisexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction/desire until an emotional connection is formed. I think for sexual women they can be celibate but they would still have that attraction/desire.

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Try_to_make_sense

Hi there!

there are plenty of sexual women who enjoy sex just for the sake of it. they love the sensations, the playfulness,the kinkiness..etc etc

I think I really need to talk to women like this and learn to really understand them. On the one hand I am happy to read this, because of gender equality and because maybe my chances to find a man who is demisexual are not that extremely bad, but on the other hand I am automatically thinking ... they [the women you are describing] just make themselves believe that this is what they want. But truth is, I really want to believe that there are women who tick just like the "typical" man.

You say plenty of sexuals and a LOT demisexuals. I am really looking for numbers here, sex-wise (male/female).

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We were just talking about this in my Ace discussion group yesterday and I think what really makes Demisexuality different from sexual women is the attraction and desire, just like aces who have sex vs sexual people. From my understanding, someone who is demi will not have sexual attraction or a desire for sex unless they become close with someone and then they will develop these feelings for that person. So sexual women might find a lot of men sexually attractive and desire sex but want it to be really emotional. Demisexual won't really want until they find that special someone.

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Try_to_make_sense

We were just talking about this in my Ace discussion group yesterday and I think what really makes Demisexuality different from sexual women is the attraction and desire, just like aces who have sex vs sexual people. From my understanding, someone who is demi will not have sexual attraction or a desire for sex unless they become close with someone and then they will develop these feelings for that person. So sexual women might find a lot of men sexually attractive and desire sex but want it to be really emotional. Demisexual won't really want until they find that special someone.

That is a really interesting thought. But I think it isn't that black and white.

From my observation ... to want emotional sex (whatever that really means), there must be emotions involved already to be attracted to someone. Do you get what I mean? Like a person who wants connected sex would not be attracted to someone for other "attractive" attributes of that person, if there was not already a connection going... And demisexuality then would just mean that someone wants deeply and stable connected sex, and therefore the other person only becomes attractive if there is such a deep and stable connection (or call it a bond).

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possible TMI zone ahead!

I used to work (though not by my own choice) in um..a highly sexual environment. This was the first place I realized just how different I was from many other women (up until then,I had secretly began hoping that all women detested the sensations of partnered sex as much as I did and were just much better at faking than I was) .

Most (though not all) of the girls I worked with,they loved sex. they would get excited when a good looking client came in, wondering which one of them he would choose.They truly really enjoyed their work,despite feeling no emotional connection (or even knowing the names) of most of the men they had sex with. I became relatively close to a couple of the girls,and when I asked them how they could 'cope' with the work,they were confused by what I meant because to them,it was not a matter of 'coping' ..they truly loved being able to have sex so freely with such a wide variety of people.

When i told my boss how painful and just, uncomfortable I found the work (emotionally as well as physically) she also was confused. She had been working since her teens and she said that for herself and all the girls she knew,there was either a feeling of detachment, the same as shaking hands with a stranger, or on good nights, at least one orgasm. But no emotional or physical discomfort (unless a client became violent or whatever,obviously)

These women clearly weren't tricking themselves into believing they loved sex, they just loved sex and were able to achieve high levels of pleasure even with people they had only met like, 10 minutes ago.

Also, there were many girls who went out of their way to have sex with my ex partner (while I was with him, though women have gone to him for sex for like, forever) ..and I know very few of them had any 'connection' to him at all.. they just knew he would give them sex so went to him to get it (I would read the messages on his phone sometimes,just to see if he had been cheating or not.. the messages were always the same "where are you? wanna fuck?") .. I have nothing against these women,they just enjoyed sex and knew how enthusiastic my ex was when it came to it. They knew full well he was an arsehole (haha) but it was the sex they enjoyed, not the company.

Anyway, those are just some of the many examples from my life of women who are clearly in no way demisexual..I could go on,but I'm pretty sure I've already gone way beyond the TMI territory heh.

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WhenSummersGone

We were just talking about this in my Ace discussion group yesterday and I think what really makes Demisexuality different from sexual women is the attraction and desire, just like aces who have sex vs sexual people. From my understanding, someone who is demi will not have sexual attraction or a desire for sex unless they become close with someone and then they will develop these feelings for that person. So sexual women might find a lot of men sexually attractive and desire sex but want it to be really emotional. Demisexual won't really want until they find that special someone.

That is a really interesting thought. But I think it isn't that black and white.

From my observation ... to want emotional sex (whatever that really means), there must be emotions involved already to be attracted to someone. Do you get what I mean? Like a person who wants connected sex would not be attracted to someone for other "attractive" attributes of that person, if there was not already a connection going... And demisexuality then would just mean that someone wants deeply and stable connected sex, and therefore the other person only becomes attractive if there is such a deep and stable connection (or call it a bond).

Someone can be a romantic demisexual, meaning they can have romantic feelings before the sexual feelings show up.

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Try_to_make_sense

possible TMI zone ahead!

I used to work (though not by my own choice) in um..a highly sexual environment. This was the first place I realized just how different I was from many other women (up until then,I had secretly began hoping that all women detested the sensations of partnered sex as much as I did and were just much better at faking than I was) .

Most (though not all) of the girls I worked with,they loved sex. they would get excited when a good looking client came in, wondering which one of them he would choose.They truly really enjoyed their work,despite feeling no emotional connection (or even knowing the names) of most of the men they had sex with. I became relatively close to a couple of the girls,and when I asked them how they could 'cope' with the work,they were confused by what I meant because to them,it was not 'coping' they truly loved being able to have sex so freely with such a wide variety of people.

When i told my boss how painful and just, uncomfortable I found the work (emotionally as well as physically) she also was confused. She had been working since her teens and she said that for herself and all the girls she knew,there was either a feeling of detachment, the same as shaking hands with a stranger, or on good nights, at least one orgasm.

These women clearly weren't tricking themselves into believing they loved sex, they just loved sex and were able to achieve high levels of pleasure even with people they had only met like, 10 minutes ago.

Also, there were many girls who went out of their way to have sex with my ex partner (while I was with him, though women have gone to him for sex for like, forever) ..and I know very few of them had any 'connection' to him at all.. they juat knew he would give them sex so went to him to get it (I would read the messages on his phone sometimes,just to see if he had been cheating or not.. the messages were always the same "where are you? wanna fuck?" .. I have nothing against these women,they just enjoyed sex and knew how enthusiastic my ex was when it came to it. They knew full well he was an arsehole (haha) but it was the sex they enjoyed, not the company.

Anyway, those are just some of the many examples from my life of women who are clearly in no way demisexual..I could go on,but I'm pretty sure I've already gone way beyond the TMI territory heh.

Wow! Thank you a lot for this. I honestly want to hear more.

TMI? What does it stand for?... oh looked it up. Not at all! Quite the contrary.

I have also been moving around in highly sexualized contexts. I once tried out working as a camgirl even, from the foolish logic of: If I dont enjoy sexual activity, at least I want to get paid for it then if I have to do it. And other stuff as well. But still i have been always assuming that other women were experiencing all of that just like me: In a deeply surpressed freak-out state!

Gosh I so much want numbers. Thinking about doing a poll somewhere somehow...

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WhenSummersGone

I would say a sexual is someone who experiences Primary Sexual Attraction, and a demisexual only experiences Secondary Sexual Attraction. Primary is based on looks and things you can see but secondary is based on an emotional connection.

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I would say a sexual is someone who experiences Primary Sexual Attraction, and a demisexual only experiences Secondary Sexual Attraction. Primary is based on looks and things you can see but secondary is based on an emotional connection.

Yes that's a great way of putting it!
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you're welcome :)

you could make a poll here! only, there will probably be uneven statistics as here is one of the only places you will find the amount of asexuals and demisexuals outweighs the number of sexuals!

you could go to sexual poll sites and ask how many sexuals desire sex with someone they find attractive,or will only desire sex once an emotional bond has formed.

some places to ask might be Yahoo Answers, and Is it Normal.com (you can create polls there instead of just asking the question) ..hmmm..I would say that I think there are possibly as many people who need an emotional connection as those who don't,but that would be pure speculation :)

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Isn't it just how most women tick ... demisexuality I mean? Or am I still being naive.

Demisexuality means that a deep emotional bond has to have formed before a person is able to desire partnered sex. it's very different from 'basic sexuality' (poor choice of words I know) in that for many sexuals, they are able to enjoy and desire partnered sex without that deep emotional bond. A demisexual person is practically asexual (no desire for partnered sex) UNTIL they have formed a deep bond. whereas many sexuals are still fully sexual (can be celibate at the same time) regardless of the 'status' of their emotional bonds. (wow my English is bad tonight haha)

I agree with this. I identify as demisexual, and for me the emotional bond has to be really secure before anything sexual can come - I didn't feel any sexual attraction to my current partner for the first few months of our relationship.

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Try_to_make_sense

you could go to sexual poll sites and ask how many sexuals desire sex with someone they find attractive,or will only desire sex once an emotional bond has formed.

some places to ask might be Yahoo Answers, and Is it Normal.com (you can create polls there instead of just asking the question) ..hmmm..I would say that I think there are possibly as many people who need an emotional connection as those who don't,but that would be pure speculation :)

thank you for the suggestions!

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@ Try_to_make_sense : I had many female and a few close male friends in my life, and I can 100% certify that demisexuality being "typical female sexuality" is a gender stereotype. Most women fantasize about complete strangers the same way as men do, but they would never talk about it to anybody else than female friends, because society says that sexual women are "whores". In the same way, a man doesn't have the right to be romantic without being sexual, or his friends will think that he is a closeted gay. To oversimplify my idea, for society, the ideal woman is a hyperromantic demisexual and the ideal man is a demiromantic hypersexual. But this couldn't be more wrong. Women and men are both very sexual and very romantic. But society wants women to repress their need for sex, and men to repress their need for romance.

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Try_to_make_sense

@ Try_to_make_sense : I had many female and a few close male friends in my life, and I can 100% certify that demisexuality being "typical female sexuality" is a gender stereotype. Most women fantasize about complete strangers the same way as men do, but they would never talk about it to anybody else than female friends, because society says that sexual women are "whores". In the same way, a man doesn't have the right to be romantic without being sexual, or his friends will think that he is a closeted gay. To oversimplify my idea, for society, the ideal woman is a hyperromantic demisexual and the ideal man is a demiromantic hypersexual. But this couldn't be more wrong. Women and men are both very sexual and very romantic. But society wants women to repress their need for sex, and men to repress their need for romance.

Hmm so from your perspective, would you say that the ratio of sexual :: demisexual :: asexual for men and women (sex-wise) is about the same?

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I think so. I suppose that it seems to appear higher in women simply because women are traditionally much more sexually repressed than men are, and in extreme cases, these women could believe that they're asexual. On the other hand, men can hide their asexuality. And even in anonymous polls, they might even convince themselves that they're not asexual just because they feel so ashamed of their orientation. Plus, demisexuality (and even asexuality in women) is often taken for being old-fashioned. Religious and conservative ideologies must create an important bias favoring women.

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It's a stereotype that women "only want sex if they are in love" and all that. It's how society WANTS women to be, more than how they are. Yes, many PEOPLE tend to only actually decide to have sex within the confines of a relationship. My ex (male) is one of them, so it isn't just women - and he is sexual. But, it all varies by the person.

Example: The job I had before my last one, I worked with mostly women. There were shifts where no men were present at all. This lead to "girl talk". They would give out details of birth control methods, how many threesomes they had, how enjoyable they were, etc. These women truly do enjoy sex. And even if it's just a one night stand pick-up, they still enjoy sex. Men do need female partners if they are hetero and having one night stands, so, yeah... of course women like them too. Always boggles my mind how people can just blindly accept that men enjoy casual sex, but then, what... they're faking being in love to get it from the women they sleep with since women only want sex if they are emotionally bonded to someone?

Women, in studies, are shown to be less visual on average and more into connecting. But, for many, that connecting can happen over a couple of drinks... and I have heard some demis who need years. And even those that will not have sex casually, still feel attraction to people. Another example: My ex, is male, but considers himself sexual. He will wait to actually have sex until he has someone he is bonded with. But, he still THINKS about sex with other people (and gets sexually frustrated if he has a dry spell, even if he's not attached to anyone at that moment) and is attracted to them... he just wouldn't go through with it. It's like, people being celibate because of a moral ideal vs asexuals who just honestly do not want sex. Note: Not saying my ex or anyone thinks casual sex is wrong for others. It's just, most people I know who are very sexual but still not into casual sex, it feels wrong TO THEM to share that with someone they don't really know. Even if they kinda want to.

But, of course sexuality is so varied. Some who feel like a demisexual describes may still identify as sexual, if it's more comfortable for them. :)

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Try_to_make_sense

Women, in studies, are shown to be less visual on average and more into connecting. But, for many, that connecting can happen over a couple of drinks... and I have heard some demis who need years. And even those that will not have sex casually, still feel attraction to people. Another example: My ex, is male, but considers himself sexual. He will wait to actually have sex until he has someone he is bonded with. But, he still THINKS about sex with other people (and gets sexually frustrated if he has a dry spell, even if he's not attached to anyone at that moment) and is attracted to them... he just wouldn't go through with it. It's like, people being celibate because of a moral ideal vs asexuals who just honestly do not want sex. Note: Not saying my ex or anyone thinks casual sex is wrong for others. It's just, most people I know who are very sexual but still not into casual sex, it feels wrong TO THEM to share that with someone they don't really know. Even if they kinda want to.

I feel kind of stupid to be asking these questions, but i feel this strong urge to understand ... and it is kind of weird that I feel the best place to actually understand the workings of sexual attraction of sexuals is an asexual forum ... but anyways: Do you understand why it feels kind of wrong to them to share sex with someone they don't really know? ... other than cultural conditioning I mean.

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It's a stereotype that women "only want sex if they are in love" and all that. It's how society WANTS women to be, more than how they are.

Basically sums it up.

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I would say a sexual is someone who experiences Primary Sexual Attraction, and a demisexual only experiences Secondary Sexual Attraction. Primary is based on looks and things you can see but secondary is based on an emotional connection.

Yes that's a great way of putting it!

I agree. I think that sexuals can be turned on by anyone, and can have sex with anyone if desired, but demisexuals don't get turned on unless its by someone they have a deep emotional connection with, and wouldn't want to have sex with anyone without that connection.

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All but maybe one or two of the women I've dated had a completely different sexuality than my own. They wanted to have sex immediately, and they couldn't understand that I had no desire to do it unless I had formed a closer emotional bond with them. This led to cheating in some cases, because I wasn't fast enough for them. Most of them had no problems with casual sex--something I couldn't imagine wanting. I wound up being so hurt and disillusioned that if I ever broke up with my current boyfriend, I don't know if I would ever date women again. So, all of that being said, I definitely think it's a misconception that women can't be turned on by someone they don't really know.

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Women, in studies, are shown to be less visual on average and more into connecting. But, for many, that connecting can happen over a couple of drinks... and I have heard some demis who need years. And even those that will not have sex casually, still feel attraction to people. Another example: My ex, is male, but considers himself sexual. He will wait to actually have sex until he has someone he is bonded with. But, he still THINKS about sex with other people (and gets sexually frustrated if he has a dry spell, even if he's not attached to anyone at that moment) and is attracted to them... he just wouldn't go through with it. It's like, people being celibate because of a moral ideal vs asexuals who just honestly do not want sex. Note: Not saying my ex or anyone thinks casual sex is wrong for others. It's just, most people I know who are very sexual but still not into casual sex, it feels wrong TO THEM to share that with someone they don't really know. Even if they kinda want to.

I feel kind of stupid to be asking these questions, but i feel this strong urge to understand ... and it is kind of weird that I feel the best place to actually understand the workings of sexual attraction of sexuals is an asexual forum ... but anyways: Do you understand why it feels kind of wrong to them to share sex with someone they don't really know? ... other than cultural conditioning I mean.

It really depends on the person, from what I understand. I have heard it can be a trust thing, not feeling comfortable being that open and vulnerable with someone you don't trust. My ex has a honor code - I think for him it's part of that, much like he may want sex with a friend that once offered it to him, but she was in a relationship and he also won't be the person that helps someone cheat. My current partner has described sex with someone he doesn't really care about as exercise and "like pizza, even when it's bad it's still good" ... but it means a lot more to him if it's shared with someone he cares about, it's not so much a physical hobby just to fill an urge and actually has some emotional meaning behind it, so some may prefer to hold out until it's that really good sex from someone they care for. Then, some people have perfectly rational and logical reasons to not be into casual sex, like STD risks, pregnancy risks, etc. It's hard to answer any questions on motive because for everyone, the motive is different.

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well the same reason as someone might not want to French kiss someone they don't know. it's awkward, weird, and something they can only feel comfortable doing with someone they at least know, are preferably attracted to and have a bond with. Some people enjoy sex with random people,some people need a bond to even get aroused, let alone enjoy the sex itself.

it's sort of like going to the toilet in front of someone to me,being naked with a stranger (let alone the sex act istelf) ..it's just,humiliating, awkward,nerve wracking.. your body sort of screams at you to be away from the situation.. and there is no way someone can get aroused and enjoy sex when feeling like this.

Some people though (sexuals) love the sensations of being naked with another person,even if they don't know the person that well. loving the sensation of being naked with another person and.. being excited about the things you can do to each other, would make sex quite enjoyable I imagine.

but for a demisexual they can only experience the above once an emotional bond has formed with someone.

I will say briefly, most sexuals can't enjoy sex with 'just anyone', they require the person to meet their set of aesthetic values.. ie be relatively attractive to them (not limited to physical attractiveness, this can include their personality,laugh .. lots of things!)

Just because say, heterosexuals are attracted to people of the opposite sex, that DOESNT mean they can automatically have sex with anyone of the opposite sex. attraction does not equal the desire for sex, so if someone does not meet certain aesthetic standards or whatever, a sexual isn't going to want to have sex with them. (though of course, some sexuals, like my ex, will have sex with literally anyone, but I think that is quite rare among sexuals) :)

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WhenSummersGone

There's also this topic here that says sexuals can get sexually attracted to strangers: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/99760-can-we-settle-this-once-and-for-all-do-sexuals-get-sexually-attracted-to-strangers/page-4#entry1060885624

Demisexuals, and asexuals, don't understand this instant sexual attraction. As a Demisexual who needs to know someone first this doesn't make any sense to me lol.

I also want to say I'm glad there are people here who understand Demisexuality! I agree that it's a social misunderstanding because I do see and hear plenty of females who desire sex without an emotional connection. I was so confused growing up.

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Kitty Spoon Train

It's a stereotype that women "only want sex if they are in love" and all that. It's how society WANTS women to be, more than how they are.

Thread over.

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I think demisexuality really appears more often in women but it´s not 100% typical for them. There are quite many women who fuck around with anyone. Or golddiggers who have sex with rich older men just for money and expensive presents...no love is required here.

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thewildcardarcana

I think demisexuality really appears more often in women but it´s not 100% typical for them. There are quite many women who fuck around with anyone. Or golddiggers who have sex with rich older men just for money and expensive presents...no love is required here.

I'm not even going to address that last sentence.

But as for the first one I think that harkens back to the post about it being more encouraged in women.

Heterosexual cis-men who are demisexual often just think they have "distinguished tastes" because that's the kind of terminology they're socialized to think with. The same way a lot of Ace (that aren't aware of the term) cis-het men have sex just because it's expected of them.

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Demisexual is a very valid orientation (I, myself identify as one). Many demisexuals learn through personal experience with their orientation. A lot of societies to raise you to believe "DON'T HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, IT'S EVIL OTHERWISE D:" Which is a load of bullshit. I understand they mean good intentions (keep out unwanted pregnancies, potential STDs/STIs risk, etc...), but the slut shaming that often accompanies it? Hell, no. A lot of people claim they want to be a virgin before marriage, but the moment you get them tipsy? Their pants might as well come flying off. It's an idealized goal they want to live up to, but here's the truth of the matter: your sexual desires and urges say "fuck that" in a lot of cases (take that pwn if you'd like :P )

Demisexual is NOT based around slut shaming. Most demis don't give two shits who someone else sleeps with. The only it's an issue for myself, is when you're becoming a threat to public safety by knowingly spreading a disease that you have contracted along the way.

This is basically how I tick:

My sex drive is absolutely dead outside of my relationship. I don't have sexual thoughts, urges, none of that, outside of my relationship. I wish I could say this is idealy what I'm like but in reality? This is my exact mind process. A lot of people tell me "You got to be lying, don't you have sexual fantasies about a stranger and/or celebrity?" Nope, not at all. My boyfriend is the "target" of all my sexual feelings/fantasies/desires/etc... Before we started officially dating, I found him appearance wise very handsome, but my mind went nowhere near sex. I just thought "Oh. he's good looking. Ok then, what next?" As I formed a very strong emotional bond with him and realized I was having romantic interests in him, we started dating and my sex drive went off the freaking charts.

With my ex, I was only infatuated with him and was in love with a made up idea of him I had created for myself. I was sexually coerced this entire last relationship.

This is how I came to the conclusion I'm demisexual.

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I know several highly sexual girls/women. And I'm a demisexual man. So there's your counter-evidence.

Yeah, demisexuality is how female sexuality "should" work with traditional ideals and stereotypes, but that's as ridiculous as saying something like, "don't all women actually like cooking and raising babies?"

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