Recipe for a graysexual (TMI warning)

[Ricecream-man]

I feel like there's more to be said but I don't know what to write about it.

Like... hmmm.... well I know that a lot of guys (and probably women) want sexual activity to be all full on as soon as possible with somebody and do all manner of things in a short space of time... but with that, and with me.... it tends to just put me off even if the stuff done is alright.... well, it's so far been as described ... not exactly crafted to make me want more anyway, it's all just too "wham bam" .... but then my brain tends to go "oh, well that all happened and it wasn't really something I'm fussed about doing more of.... this guy is probably just wanting to get his rocks off rather than have any emotional connection or do things nicely.... so yeah, ehhhh (goes off him a bit)"

I can't really help it.... I think it's fairly well documented that having sex early in a relationship can increase the likelihood of it failing with many people though?

I'm also just not at all sure that he's going about anything in the right way sometimes.... like the first time he stayed over we did intercourse twice ... neither time with me being as enthusiastic about it as he was but it was alright.... then the next day right before my mum was due to get home from work (it's never clear when she will get back but it could have been ten minutes after that) I was saying we ought to get up, and he started smiling a bit and going on about how he was thinking about if he would be able to do intercourse again before she got there, and about how he thought he'd run out of condoms but was just wondering if he would manage to do it in time... not pushing to actually do it, but still that just made me profoundly uncomfortable.

He also doesn't ask whether I actually want to do intercourse ever, just phrases it like "should I get a condom?".... then seems surprised if I don't want him to, and might be like "you want to do it without a condom?" (ew ew ew ew no. ew ew ew (-.-) ) or do something not that good like frenzied rubbing on my vagina then after a minute be like, "how about now"? He did sometimes ask what he should do but I didn't know what to say..... I mean, it's more about how he feels than actually doing anything specific I think..... and that what he does do is way too hard and fast pretty much always so far.

But I haven't really explained that to him yet.

I'm also confused because intercourse seemed to bugger up my emotions a bit.... the day after I feel empty and very lonely and sort of ... sad... because I'm on my own and I guess because it didn't fill an emotional need. The last time I saw my boyfriend we hung out the next day and that was better than just being on my own afterwards. But between the intercourse and him bombing me out (he has had a very difficult life and I don't think he realises how difficult it is to hear about it when he talks a great deal about it for a very long time) I ended up becoming upset and not wanting to be on my own the next day so I think he might think I'm clingy which I'm not usually... and now I'm like the opposite. I haven't asked him over for a visit today even though I have the house to myself for a while, for example.

Perhaps its that he would be a great friend, but the relationship stuff seems much like with the guy I was with before.... too full on and way too early in the relationship, and I don't know him very well beforehand... and so I don't have a foundation for knowing how to interpret the relationship or sexual activity.

:-/ Maybe we would both get on better if he got together with some nymphomaniac whose idea of arousing is being told "I really want to f*ck you".

I think I'm probably demisexual.

I know this post is all over the place. I don't know what to say about this or how to put it.

I do really like this guy... I just.... maybe he'd rather have a f*ckbuddy than an actual relationship.

Or maybe he's fetishing me because of hair colour or having certain interests.

Maybe I'm entirely off the mark and he's just been utterly misled by dating weirdoes off a dating website like that nymphomaniac ex of his, or from gawping at porn or whatever, I don't know.

I know that I could communicate more effectively, but just it's not easy to do and I take responsibility for not doing that.

The porn thing is definitely a very common misconception that men have. It doesn't help that there's so much stigma out there in which men are supposed to be aggressive and dominant in order to maintain a relationship.

It's also true that early sex is a common desire amongst most men. It's almost considered an accomplishment. "Yo, she put out after just a week, I'm a damn boss bro. " is a pretty common phrase during "man talk".

Try talking to him and explaining what you want and what it is that actually gets you sexually aroused. If he really is a good guy like you thought, and if he actually does care about you then he'll listen and give it a shot. That's one of the main points that differentiate a good guy vs a not so good guy or even a good guy vs a "nice guy".

Sex is one of the biggest influences in a man's life in today's Western society and where he places you on the list of priorities in the bedroom can be a good indicator of where he places you in his list of priorities in life. This is especially true early on.

I'm sorry to hear that it's not working out at the moment for you. I hope once you explain this stuff it'll be better. Good luck!

[Sexyawn]

I have literally never seen anything in porn and thought "wow that looks even remotely good I would have even the faintest bit of interest in doing that" ;-) lol, it seems to me like watching it would teach a man how to visually please some crusty old porn director goon sexually... while training themselves to find porn star lookalikes hot and normal looking women less so. It's like those guys who watch Hentai then can't manage to get it up properly over somebody who's not an anime character. If it wasn't having negative effects for me directly then I'd be like "whatever, they can wreck themselves for a quick thrill watching prostitutes having crap sex if they like - idgaf" .... but I don't see why *I* should have to deal with negative results of somebody else choosing to watch trash like porn. It's completely unfair and I would far rather be with somebody who's not going to bring any of that crap into my sexual life.

At any rate, thankyou very much for your response.

I have come to the conclusion (after further thought and in light of recent events where imho he was a total asshat wearer) that my boyfriend is a jackass and we ought to break up.
We were supposed to be discussing how we felt about whether the relationship should continue this evening/night (his suggestion) but instead he appears to have gone out on the piss. Again.
I am starting to think he's probably a bit of a drunkard.

Perhaps he is merely a Nice Guy ... if you know what I mean?

It's best if we remain friends as we are both to be organising local computer game events on a fairly regular basis.... and it's not like there would be a big turnout for them either so it would be mega awkward if we fell out ... and he is a bit of a grumpy chimp over things which basically everybody I've asked about it thinks are just him being a grumpy chimp over nothing.
Do you think it would be a good idea if I just say that I think we are incompatible in a relationship for various reasons and that I feel it would not be beneficial to discuss them?
He was asking whether I thought we were compatible in a relationship, and I said I didn't know (evidently he feels this though... mainly because he has a total inability to compromise on anything and as far as I can tell empathy issues which may or may not be caused by overuse of alcohol. He also had great difficulty being close to people because of past issues and it is evident that this is what I would like. Fuckbuddies (which may be what his idea of a relationship would be, quite possibly) are not my thing at all. Nope nope nuh uh nope. No.).
He believes himself to be incompatible with everyone. He may have a good point.

Yeahhhhh.... not exactly a match made in heaven.
:-p

[Sexyawn]

Oh! I just learned that Nice Guy is an actual thing.
http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Nice_Guy_syndrome

No, this isn't the kind of thing I meant by that.
Or maybe it is, I didn't mean anything so specific though.... I just meant "nice guy" rather than Nice Guy.

I have been thinking that with my "boyfriend" what it could be is that he has absorbed a bunch of traditional gender role guidance about how to "be" a nice guy, and to an extent puts that into practice.... but ultimately is not perhaps actually a self-motivated nice guy in a more fundamental sense.

[binary suns]

[Sexyawn]

Ehhh I appreciate your reply but I can assure you he isn't going to be anything like as nice as that towards me.
It's him who is making noises about how we're not compatible, and he failed to show up to speak about it yesterday evening/night - seemingly because he went out and got drunk instead.
And he wasn't remotely concerned about unloading too much on me at once, he never has been..... not did he seem to care much about making me angry, or springing surprise feelings on me.
I'm basically just agreeing with him.... having had a chance to think about it (with his choice of not giving any input whatsoever because he would rather get drunk) I have to wonder why I would ever stay with him.
We haven't been together long anyway, not even two weeks I think.... I'm sure he will cope :-p and what's good for the goose is good for the gander.... he's pretty self absorbed and I assure you did not make anything like that amount of effort while initiating this breakup. He probably just wanted to bang me regularly with minimal foreplay and not actually have a meaningful relationship in the first place, you know?:-p

[Sexyawn]

Ah, wait now... I've realised that I missed a big chunk out because of being upset and overlooking explaining it.
The reason for my sudden about turn (one of the main ones anyway) is we had a text argument a few days back.... it happened because he is a totally uncompromising person who is incredibly rude without even seeing any problem with it. I've asked a number of people about the disagreement and lots of people agree that he was offputting, disrespectful and rude and that it was uncalled for.... then when I said that I was hurt that he was so insensitive he just started going on about how unreasonable I am and basically getting more and more strange... demonising me by claiming things that never actually happened and were not in fact said by me, making out like I'm some kind of abnormal special case and being basically a tantrum throwing ape about it. It is clear that he has zero interest in compromise or anything remotely resembling not doing and getting exactly whatever he wants.... he constantly butts in and cuts me off because he isn't really listening to what I'm saying, just waiting for his chance to speak again... at one point he asked me a question then gave a snarky reply like a total dickhead while I was typing a reply... my actual reply shut him up because it was nothing like what he seemingly expected (his snarky reply was just downright weird and offputting) ... and he claims that it is a massive effort to tolerate me based on something which I wasn't actually doing ... then when I said that he never even apologised for being rude.
He has never once apologised for anything or reconsidered any view he has.... because he could not possible be wrong or have anything to ever apologise for is no doubt his view.
And now he's all but totally ignoring me ... he was So keen to zip on over "to play computer games" when he wanted to get straight down to the hard and fast with minimal foreplay.... and now pfsh well he would obviously rather get drunk... he just can't even be bothered with any kind of hassle to maintain a relationship I think even if he caused the hassle himself.
He is also extremely hypocritical about some things and to me a hypocrite is just a euphymism for somebody who is overly complacent with themselves while being overly harsh towards others and a jerk consequentially. That's why nobody likes hypocrites other than in the context of hypocrites liking themselves.

I felt I should explain this as I was in a right bad mood before and just didn't explain myself properly or why I am suddenly in such a bad mood with this guy or just wanting to walk away from the relationship with minimal further discussion about it.

I have trouble with my stomach and the ridiculousness of him laying into me textually before really shook up my stomach.... I just can't... my nerves... I can't do it again... I'm anxious anyway, I have an anxiety disorder.... it's too much... I didn't sign up for this.... we've not even been together for two weeks and he's been all but ignoring me for the last 5 days ... and we would be best to stay on good terms for organising these local hobby events if we need to do that together.

It's him who initiated breaking up with me... I'm just agreeing with him now.
He evidently doesn't have much respect for me anyway or think I'm any kind of priority and is clearly preferring to get drunk than discuss the matter.
For all I know he's out on the piss again this evening again... it really would not surprise me if he does that again.

He is not very affectionate either... I said something recently because I was unusually unwell and said "my stomach hurts. ow. this sucks (sad) :-( " and he ignored me, then I said something to that effect later on as well because I was sick (I have some problem with my dugestion i have to go and get surgical scoped in a month to try and see why) and all he said was "I'm ill too but that's because of the hangover lol :-)"... this was at 6pm.
I'd asked about going for a drink the evening before together, since he was going into town to see the group's new venue ... and he said he was only going to be in town for a little bit so never mind.... then he went drinking on his own and assumedly got blind drunk if he still suffered from a hangover at 6pm since the pub closes at 12. :-/ then I got to hear about what a rip roaring night he'd had out.... greeeeat.

So I just feel.... done.... so tired of bullshit.... he makes so little effort for this so called relationship or whatever it's meant to be.
This is not the kind of start to make a lady want more... I mean for god's sake.... surely he could at least make a bit more effort for the first two weeks for crying out loud... I doubt it's going to improve any from here on.... I just don't want to discuss it with him.... give him a reason to throw all his toys out of the pram again and make things all awkward for organising hobby events.... I just want it done with minimum further palaver.

[Ricecream-man]

Definitely, for now at least, if it's causing you that much trouble then split with him. A simple "if you want to break up so bad, let's do it." or an "I'm tired of all your crap, too!" would probably suffice. Once you've recaptured your own health, if he wants an explanation it would be kind to give it to him.

I do like what you said about pre-conditioned nice guys though. That is a somewhat common thing you see. Unfortunately women are preconditioned the same way into thinking, "If he does these things, he must be a nice guy" and don't get to look past those shallow niceties to see who they are as a person.

Feel free to ignore this last part, and I apologize if I come off as pushy or being a busybody.

I don't know how long you've known this guy before getting into a relationship with him, but perhaps look at taking things a little slower and getting to know a guy before going out with him? Or even lay off of relationships and/or sex for a bit?

[Sexyawn]

Oh, I got to know this guy a little bit about 4 years ago but then we fell out a bit because he threw a wobbly over taking something I said the wrong way.... :-p

Then we were talking as part of the local hobby Facebook group and got on well, ran an event locally which went well, anybody who felt like having a drink afterwards got together (there were 4 of us, with 3 of us staying on until the pub closed) which went tremendously well . Then a couple of days after that I invited him over to play computer games and we ended up going out to the local pub for a few drinks and commandeered the jukebox so we didn't have to listen to Dolly Parton lol. It ended up being to late for him to get a lift home and there was nowhere for him to really sleep here other than my double bed when he asked where he could sleep, and well I did quite fancy him so ah, you know.... but yeahhh starting a relationship because we got a bit drunk and ended up in bed together is not a wise or well planned reason for doing so - that's for sure.

I'd been not having relationships and sex and all that for about a year before all of this, and that will be my plan for the indefinite future.
:-p Ideally I would be taking things very slowly and getting to know a guy before going out with him.... it was what I was hoping to be doing but oh well a flight of fancy got in the way.... it's not my most sensible decision I must say.

[Ricecream-man]

Haha it happens, I've had a similar experience happen to me so I can't really blame you for it.

I must say that beyond anything else, it was an interesting to discover that women can be just as hypersexual as men. Her choice of religious faith and her actions despite of it was quite surprising as well. (Not saying which so as to not upset anyone).

Needless to say, that "relationship" if you can call it that didn't last very long.

Well, I'm glad that you were able to figure it all out! If you ever need someone to rant to, bounce ideas off of, or run a Nice Guy ™ screening on a guy, feel free to give me a message.

[Sexyawn]

Well, I tried to express a bit about how I felt and another fight ensued.

He evidently feel that he can literally never do anything wrong and is pretty histrionic about anything which he perceives as a slight, and it's pretty obvious why he's been single for so long despite his good looks.
I just think he's a total offputting hypocrite now, and think he is about as attractive as one of those big toads which sit about licking their own eyes.

Thankyou Ricecreamguy :-) That's nice of you.

[Sexyawn]

Oh dear :-) well, that was a terrible choice of wording and I only just noticed it.
"nice" lol.... that's such a hopelessly obtuse term for what I meant.
I meant to say, thankyou Ricecreamguy that was a very supportive and helpful thing of you to offer.