Recipe for a graysexual (TMI warning)

[Sexyawn]

It has been suggested here before that I may not actually be asexual... or even especially graysexual, but that the sexual experiences which I have described here already would be enough to put anybody off. As I said at the time, this is pretty much my suspicion as well.

After this one hookup which I had a couple of days ago (I am not in the habit of having hookups but I got on well with this guy) I am even more convinced of this.

With the benefit of hindsight, I should really just have quit right near the start and started putting my pants and stuff back on.
It has been really just another disappointing, unsatisfying, not uplifting experience.
But I won't have to see him again, which is at least that awkward situation avoided.

I had just met him on Thursday and he was here to do a job.
Then once the job was complete, he was all "can I kiss you" and stuff.
so I said yes, and he rapidly started having a go on my boobs as well.
Which normally I would like, but he kept doing stuff way too hard "because of getting carried away" or some BS like that.
I have like, a bruise on my boob now because of it.

Then he nippily whipped off my trousers / pants and was all "I don't have a condom. Do you?"
And I said no, because I don't....
He declared that it would be fine anyway "because he knows that he's clean" (I don't!) and "he would pull out before he came."
I said I wasn't wanting to do that and anyway that I'm not on birth control.
Then he just said that it was all fine since he was clean and would pull out.
You know how some guys get... all they care about is their own perspective on something which benefits them even if it's at somebody else's expense.
And really now, he's been watching too much porn or something, if he thinks brief kissing followed by "the squeezing fruit to make a smoothie" technique on my breasts is all that's needed to fire a woman up in double quick time.
I said I wasn't wanting to, but he just started trying to stuff himself in anyway... which was a real passion killer and a bit too rapey for my liking.

That's really not my idea of a good time.

Likesay I should have just given up then... but I guess women are socially conditioned to put up with really bad sex , or to hold out for an improvement or something. I've had abusive times in the past so I'm not as bluntly assertive about giving up on the idea altogether as I'd like to be, in that regard.

So then we did a 69 thing, and in the past I've had some good 69 type experiences with a boyfriend... not so much with my most recent past boyfriend who was lazy as all get out when it came to giving oral sex (and clearly he had watched way too much porn and developed ridiculous expectations about sex) , but with the guy who I was with before that.... who actually gave a genuine damn how I felt about what we did together and always listened to (and even responded to) whatever I said, especially if I wanted things more gentle.

This latest guy went at everything with all of the finesse of a car crash.
If he used his fingers, he scrubbed away like he was trying to get a blood stain out of a rug.
I thought oral sex might be an improvement, but he was like that other guy.... he alternated between jackhammering my crotch with his tongue (with major focus on the vaginal opening, which wasn't that great but better than having my clitoris mashed to a pulp) and just lazily concentrating on just himself and kind of stopping a bit.

A number of times I said to be more gentle, but he just was like "oh, yeah...." and pretty much ignored me.
It got quite painful because he was way too rough at shoving his fingers up inside of me.
I said ow and things quite a few times, but he still kept being too rough about it.

It was obvious that I wasn't wild on the 69 oral sex idea, but he pushed for it then made it like a race for him to get off.... which for me was offputting.
Then he tried to shove my head down on his penis when he came (which I hadn't been expecting, I got no warning of it but jerked back with a yelp when he shoved my head and I got out of the way in time)

Then he was like, "oh yeah I'm just going to lie here now because for guys the 10 minutes after coming we're disgusted by anything to do with sex or the human body."
... might have been a good idea to not dash into that, then, epic timing guy.

He did give me more oral sex after "recharging" but it was still way too hard and just not something I would wish to repeat.
There were also way too many distractions... like he insisted on having radio 1 on but it kept having news flashes about rapists and murderers.... or just really unarousing J chat or whatever.... or he'd make remarks like "I wonder if my whole hand would fit up your vagina" (answer : an emphatic no! Obviously he watches too much porn or something !!!!) , or he insisted on running out to his car to hunt for a condom he was sure he had in there (even though I was neither aroused enough for nor asked if i even wanted intercourse) ... then he messed about for a full 5 minutes arranging his socks in front of the heater because he didn't bother putting in shoes to go outside then they got soaked.... ran off to take a phone call for another 5 minutes.... then he struck up conversation about the upcoming Scottish election while I was trying to masturbate (because if he wasn't going to anything worthwhile after having his lame selfish orgasm then I was going to do it myself) before being like , "gee i hope this isn't putting you off too much" and not really caring when I said that actually yes, funnily enough it was.

And even after getting his stupid condom, and without asking whether I wanted intercourse (with it being obvious I didn't) he was still trying to shove himself in without lubricant (blokes often witter on about how it's not needed because women are so wet anyway but the consistency if all different... for me anyway. Natural lubricant is more like water and just actually not a very good lubricant for me.) ... and more importantly, without even bothering to stick the condom on. He ripped the packet open but never bothered with putting it on before trying to shove himself in again and making remarks like "why won't it go in ? It's like the door is closed. It's so easy to get my fingers in, so why won't it fit?"

So he gave up on that pretty quickly and then after ignoring me saying to be more gentle a bit more while giving oral sex, he was all "Time's getting on so I have to leave." , "Because he wanted me to have an orgasm but it didn't seem like I was getting close."
My... whyever could that be?

... and this is pretty much why I have next to no interest in actual physical participation with men... even though hypothetical sex is just great a lot of the time. I masturbate just fine, and have a good idea of how a good sexual encounter might go. But many (most?) men seem like they are just way too selfish, over entitled, inconsiderate and/or disrespectful towards the women who they do sexual things with.
Many men (including this guy) bewail the fact that women are a lot more reluctant than men to engage in sexual activity... but then they go on ahead and behave like this. Well, what do they expect!? This seems to be extremely common behaviour for many men, as well.

Then he got up and started parping on about how "sexual activity always makes you feel good, right?"
To which I said "Well, considering that we stopped halfway through and it was too rough then I felt differently."
And he was just like "LOL, yeah I owe you an orgasm."

So yeah, I'm glad that I don't tend to do hookups and doubt I'd bother with another one in the future.

I'm curious about how things might be with a woman because i just can not imagine that a woman would be anything like as downright terrible and unsalvageable as many men seem to be between the sheets. Chances are that women would actually listen to their partner asking for something to be more gentle, would be less likely to boss the other person around like they're starring in their own porn film or something, and of course wouldn't constantly be trying to stuff a sperm drenched banana in their partner's crotch at the first opportunity... or behaving like she is so much more important than her partner, or pushing for stuff their partner obviously isn't keen on.

I know for a fact that there are men who are nothing like this in bed.
Heck, I've had boyfriends before who were virgins and never got like that.

I'm starting to think that the chances of finding another bloke who's a decent human being sexually (and who is interested in me that way) is so low that it's not even worth the bother of hoping it might happen.... and it's no good if even when I do make things clear (like I wasn't wanting to have intercourse, especially not unprotected) if there's this risk that some men might just do their best to ignore me.... or be suddenly shoving my head down during oral sex and trying to be coming in my mouth and all... I really did not like that at all.
I'm sure that some men are selfish arses about that sort of thing because they will never be at risk of experiencing it themselves, and just have the empathy skills of a concrete breeze block and no interest in improving on that.

So yeah, these are just some thoughts I had recently on my own sexuality, and the (to me) obvious reasons why many women are less keen on sexual activity - especially hookups - than many men are. If some men treat women with no more tenderness or respect than they would give a blow up doll, then those men only deserve to have blow up dolls as their sexual partners.

You can bet that even if I'd been up for intercourse then he would have simply jackhammered me with his cock while ignoring me telling him to be more gentle or stop, then been all "wham bam, thankyou mam" and probably not bothered giving me oral sex at all.

So yeah, not giving up right near the start of all of that was a regretful decision on my part.
I know that I have difficulty with assertivity when a guy is trying to just ignore me and do whatever.
But I feel better (kind of) knowing that a lot of women have the same trouble... feel better in that I don't just feel like it's me who has this problem, not better knowing that other women in large numbers are getting a bad deal out of sex because of men being like that.

[Guest]

Erm, wow. That guy deserved a kick out the door, not an orgasm.

I'm sorry you keep running into guys like that. :(

[WhenSummersGone]

Men like that aren't worth it. This guy didn't care at all about how felt during sex. I've met guys like this and obviously they aren't good in bed. It's better to try sex with a close friend or a partner so you know they aren't selfish.

[Sexyawn]

Thankyou Serran and WhenSummersGone.
I have been feeling rather depressed about it since it happened.

I'm pretty sure that the only reason he claimed to want me to have an orgasm was for the personal ego boost it would give him, or something equally as selfish.

And you are quite right.... he wasn't worth it.
I should just fling guys like that out as soon as they start being rubbish if I encounter this in the future, rather than being hopeful for improvement or whatever.

[LionRoar]

Sounds like a horrible person; his behavior bordered on the criminal, and you would have been justified in calling the police.

[WhenSummersGone]

Thankyou Serran and WhenSummersGone.

I have been feeling rather depressed about it since it happened.

I'm pretty sure that the only reason he claimed to want me to have an orgasm was for the personal ego boost it would give him, or something equally as selfish.

And you are quite right.... he wasn't worth it.

I should just fling guys like that out as soon as they start being rubbish if I encounter this in the future, rather than being hopeful for improvement or whatever.

No problem. I still feel bad about most of my sexual experiences as well. I'm not sure how to feel better but you are not alone. I agree, he just wanted to feel good. I'm glad you didn't have an orgasm. I think sometimes it's best to not have it at all if it's going to be a bad experience. Most guys looking for just a hook up can definitely be a**holes or selfish imo.

[Sexyawn]

I am glad that I didn't have one with that bloke as well.
I would definitely rather have no sexual experience (or more specifically no orgasm) than have bad ones.
I find the orgasms which come from stimulus which is too heavy with not enough worthwhile build up to be mainly just not good... kind of sudden and overwhelming and draining, without causing uplifting sensations.

I wonder how he would have felt if I'd just tweaked his nipples hard a little bit, then whipped his pants off and started making moves to stick a dildo up his bum... brushing away his reluctance and refusal with a "poo poo c'mon now.. it's not going to give you a disease so it will be fine." , and just going ahead with trying to stuff it in anyway, while remarking "gee it won't go in, I wonder why." but keeping on trying to stuff it in anyway.

It was not a great lead up anyway, because he's one of those people the government employ to do surveys among the general populace and so I was being asked about the crime rate in the area (so sexy!) and then had to do a secret set of questions all about drugs and whether I'd been sexually abused before. The drug section was easy because I'm no druggie and had little experience of them, but the sexual abuse one was longer because I had insanely criminal people as boyfriends when I was much younger and had a hellish time sexually for some time because of that.
So yeah... he wouldn't have known this though because that part I had to fill in on his laptop secretly.

But yeah I've had people get very rough with me if I refused to do stuff before, making me do stuff anyway... which is is one of the reasons for why I have trouble with keeping on saying no to things assertively over and over again nowadays especially if the other person isn't caring. Because even if I don't think they would be that bad... it's still like... well it's obvious I don't want to do X and I even said so directly, he's ignored me twice so far... so there's no point in saying it again .. right ?

[WhenSummersGone]

I think with time and experience you will know better what you like and don't like. Learning to stand up for yourself is great and you'll cut out crap you don't want to do. If you don't want hook up sex then you're not missing out on anything. You can just tell these guys that you're not interested.

Also if anyone is making you uncomfortable (assault, rape, abuse, etc.) you should report it to someone. Talking to anyone about it can help.

[Sexyawn]

Thankyou for replying.

I think that I have a reasonably good idea of what I like and don't like (pieced together from encounters with previous boyfriends or masturbating), but my error had been perhaps to assume that a guy who I was with sexually would actually care about that, and not just stonewall me talking about it because he couldn't be bothered to adapt in order to have it be good for both of us (or because he hasn't got a modicum of self restraint, or whatever) .... or try to barge into doing stuff that I was obviously not keen on without warning (like with the trying to come in my mouth dodgy head shove thing) ... or be trying to do unprotected intercourse in me when I've said I don't want it.

It would be best to just avoid hookup guys if a lot of them are likely to be similarly selfish goons.

I reckon they can go shag a hole in the ground instead, if they want to have sex with something that has no preferences sexually and behave all rough or like it's all about their own pleasure.

[Wyrmcraft]

I'd hit that guy over the head with a frying pan if I found him, that sort of behavior just isn't acceptable.

I've had a singular...sensual encounter I guess you could call it with my ex, since it was not really sexual. No sex, no oral, no bare genitals, just kind of a mixture of cuddles and mutual masturbation. However, the whole point was that we wanted each other to feel good. I admit to a startling lack of knowledge about female anatomy but I listened, learning, and responded to whatever my partner told me to do just like she did for me. It is all about that mutual respect, that willingness to listen and respond.

If I ever have a sexual encounter with someone, I'd be certain to do the same thing. Admit my lack of experience, request assistance and openness about what I should and shouldn't do, and do my best to listen, respond, and give whatever advice was needed to make the experience a better one for both of us. It doesn't matter if it makes me look "bad" because I do not know what to do, because it is the least you can do. Sex is a two person activity, and unless both of you enjoy it there is no sense to it. So why pretend and preen about skills I do not have, instead of learning those skills for myself? Besides, every person is different, and has different spots and sections on them that are sensitive. Just because you know one person does not mean you know them all, and you have to listen and relearn how to make someone satisfied every time you find a new partner.

Besides, I much prefer the idea of satisfying my partner to satisfying myself. That is what alone time is for, after all. If I am with someone, I want it to be a good experience. After all, if it isn't, what are the chances it will happen again? And that matters, at least to me, because I feel like one nights stands are pointless. I want to learn someone, what makes them tick, and how to make them tick...as it were. That connection is what makes it meaningful to me, the whole point.

But that could just be me, sorry you found yourself caught up with such a dick. I know there are a lot of good guys out there, but sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority when it comes to not being a jerk. I know I'm not, maybe the jerks are just louder and the good guys are more the silent majority instead of the loud and noisy minority.

[WhenSummersGone]

maybe the jerks are just louder and the good guys are more the silent majority instead of the loud and noisy minority.

This can be true as well. I can sometimes tell which guys are rude because they are more vocal about it.

[Guest]

maybe just wait until you meet someone special if you really feel the need for sex?.. why put yourself through that for someone you don't even care about?

have you considered maybe you are demisexual and could really enjoy sex with the right person?

[Batts]

Wow - just wow. I have never had anything remotely similar happen and Im pretty ok with that. That guy sounds like the biggest jerk/dickhead!! Props to you for hanging in there - I doubt that I would have.

Im really sorry that you had that encounter!!

[Sexyawn]

Hello again everybody, first I would like to thank you all for your supportive replies.

It's taken me a long time to reply to this topic... first there was a phase where neither AVG nor Avast antivirus would even let me near the forum because it seemingly was hijacked and both PC protection programs reckoned there was too much of a risk to even let me access the forum.

Then there was a phase where i started doing a university course and mad dashed a whole lot of work in case I got ill and fell behind.

Then right on the tail of that, I've been really unwell for nearly the whole of the last month... puking up and stuff, and haven't been doing a great deal at all for all this time. Writing seemed to be especially taxing, but fortunately it seems less so just now.

The whole douchey guy thing, I think it also took more of a toll on me than I thought it would and I kind of had a phase of not thinking about it after a phase of intensive compulsive thinking about it.

But I have been reading peoples' posts here while all this was going on (except the forum hijack thing of course) and considering well what everybody has been saying.

Re: Wyrmcraft.

That sounds like it would have been really nice.

You have an unusually sensible approach to sex, or "sensual encounters".

And you are quite right that such an approach will be likely to greatly increase your chances of further encounters with the same woman.

Would you believe the guy I'm protesting about had the nerve to wait an entire month to e-mail me (he had my e-mail address from before the sexual steamroller encounter) ... an entire MONTH.... then he writes waffling on about how I look, saying what a great time he had, saying he wants to meet up again, and dropping heavy hints about wanting more sexual activity (he allegedly "wants to return the orgasm he owes me... bleeergh (-.-) .... that actually pisses me off, you know..... let me see if i can manage to figure out how to put why that annoys me into words.... hmmmm.....

Well first, c'mon he took a whole MONTH to write to me ... really !? Not much of a priority, eh? It also seems like he's being kind of lazy too, just knocking off some e-mail because he's hoping it might lead to more easy sex.... then there is of course the whole fact that he made pretty much no effort to be considerate the last time and actually thinks i will be dumb enough to get with him AGAIN!? Oh hell no... that's an actual insult to my intelligence right there.

I saw no evidence that he listened to a damn thing I said about how to improve his technique, or even gave a meaningful toss how i felt about things.... so assumedly he would be exactly as crap in bed as he was the first time around... and is likely to never improve if he keeps the same selfish and unarousing attitude up in the future.

So yeah, he wrote to me on the 9th October and I have basically ignored him completely, which is my best effort at responding in a polite manner.

Because anything I were to say would not be as polite as ignoring him completely, I think. There was no read receipt attached to the message, and he hasn't sent anything since then.Which suits me just fine.

I would far rather pleasure myself than bother wasting any effort, time or sanity on jerks like him... hell, at least then I get pleasure out of it in an atmosphere where some berk isn't racing for his own finish line then basically just ruining the mood from then on because he doesn't care about maintaining it or care how I feel in a meaningful way... and it's a lot less agitating or like work too.

And thankyou for your kind words.

I have given a lot of thought to what you said, about the loud jerk plenitude and the quiet hidden nice guys.

Well, I think you might have hit on something there. There might be nice guys who have been too shy to approach me (and vice versa unfortunately) , while in the meantime a certain demographic of men might be the ones which make encounters with them easier, thus are more likely to be getting involved with women sexually. I'm pretty sure it takes a certain type of (shithead) man to push women for sexual stuff way too soon when they're evidently not going for the idea too.... I mean, of course the more reasonable and quiet guys are not the sort to do that, while the pushy cloth eared sort will just hammer the accelerator and try to get what they want regardless. And so, they make themselves more known to women... and not in a good way.

Re: Panficto.

Perhaps you have a point.

I don't think I will meet somebody that special though... whenever I thought I'd found a nice boyfriend they started this 0-60 mph XXX stuff..... well... there was that one slightly odd guy with Aspergers who I really liked going out with but he gave me the heave when it transpired that I wasn't looking to have babies and especially not any time soon.

I think the reason I put myself through it was because well, I didn't realise he was going to be such a tosser about it and just make it all about him and do douchey things like trying to trick me into having a mouth full of his nasty semen which for all I know could be crawling with goodness knows what.... then behave like 'idgaf' once he was done....

But mainly, it's going to be because from a very early age I suffered from sexual abuse and now I'm just... not quite... right....

I've never been quite right mentally about sexual situations which make me uncomfortable.... I don't think i react like a "normal" person would....

I maybe thought that so long as the encounter wasn't violent it might counterbalance previous encounters which were quite violent.... well, (sigh) what did I learn .. the hard way :-/

Re: Batts.

Thankyou.

It feels a bit odd to be complimented for hanging in there.

I always thought of it as not being a positive thing....

Part of the trouble was.... I mean, I live out in the middle of nowhere.

This is an area with pretty much no crime, so nobody locks their doors.

I don't even have a front door key because I never need one.... it's never been a problem before, or even something I think about ever.

But with the whole "Can i kiss, you, quick boob fruit squeeze and now off with the pants" thing... it happened... too quickly to process properly.

I need a good bit of time to think about new situations and things... to process how to respond to the new situation.

And I'm not always good at expressing feelings in words... especially not under any kind of stress.... I probably have a bit of alexythemia going on.

If it had happened slower... like if he asked before doing stuff and waited for a reply, I wouldn't have been like "oh hell yeah a minute of kissing and a sturdy boob grapple.... it's definitely panties off time now." ... then as soon as he whipped the pants off he was trying for the unprotected intercourse and my brain just couldn't..... it was like, you know how it is when you have a laptop and you run way too many programs at once... you've maybe only just started it up and it tries to load whatever half a ton of stuff is in startup memory.... and you have to start closing some stuff down because it's not actually vital for what you're wanting to do with the computer? Like... I installed a fancy mouse on mine and now it loads up Razer Synaptics 2.0 ever time Windows starts and I never bother logging into that so it tends to just get closed when Windows starts.... or I have this thing for doing special Esperanto characters which loads on startup but can be closed down if I'm not planning on writing anything in Esperanto for a while (which is often the case) ... or Steam can be a right resources hog so it loads on startup too but gets closed if I'm planning on doing audio recording..... anyway, so that is all happening...but then if you try to also load other stuff while the computer is still having a think about the first lot of stuff.... like if you go loading Photoshop CS3 and some huge pictures, then before it's done you go running a film off a DVD.... then it can sort of... seize up.... it might even end up crashing altogether if you really won't leave it alone to catch up? At any rate, it doesn't function quite right?

Well, that might not be an accurate comparison since humans are so much different to computers but it's a bit like that.

Potential TW

When I was 9 this weirdo kept sexually abusing me, then when I was 14 this creepy paedo who my dad was friends with tried to make me have intercourse with him then when I completely refused he made me do unprotected oral on him.... and I just got on with it because he was scary and it was better than having to do intercourse which would have been painful and to me more scary.... then my first boyfriend (if he even gets such a title) was the spawn of satan and abused me badly for 3 years until I left... from when I'd just turned 17 until I just turned 20.... but I never even knew that I wasn't meant to be treated like that because of being treated oddly and badly all my life.... and I was so isolated... this was before the internet or anything, and we had no phone where we were living... and my parents were no good, but i had to go back to living with them after 3 years but my dad was really unpleasant and kind of pervy and even then he didn't leave me alone. I wasn't even allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door, which was no good at all. My mum is very sorry now for turning such a blind eye to all of the shenanigans which she can hardly deny she gave tacit support to by ignoring it. And I had this creep of a boyfriend when I was 22... ten years older than me, and basically I guess just lying about who he was to trick me into going to stay with him for 3 months, who agreed to have an asexual relationship but then when I got there (halfway round the world, where he lived) he became more and more.... disturbing.... shouting at me for not having sex with him.... giving me the cold shoulder treatment.... or just being mean.... he made creepy comments like one time he came up and said "open your mouth I just want to see something" all casual like, and I felt uncomfortable about it but did, then he was all "yeah i reckon you could fit a penis in there" and walked off..... he did end up raping me... once... because he harassed me into having intercourse but was way too rough and inconsiderate.... refused to even use lubricant "because the condom has lubricant on it already" (wow so much lube....) and kept ignoring me telling him to stop or at least slow down... then when he was done he just got up and started walking about saying things like "haha you just shagged an ugly old fat guy" ... which if he was trying to be funny it didn't work... because I was feeling disgusted anyway even without the reality check... but yeah, he was indeed an old fat guy. I just rejected him right from the start after that and shoved him away and had none of it. He cursed and hollered at me and threatened to rape me if I didn't put out (which was why I got harassed into doing intercourse the first time) but I just told him to go ahead but he needn't be kidding himself on that he was being loving or whatever shit he claimed about us having intercourse before. And he didn't do it again.

So THEN I had a boyfriend who was mercifully an absolute delight in bed.

He was kind of a selfish tit out of bed, but between the sheets o-m-g .... totally 10 out of 10 stars to that guy.

It was a really nice thing to experience... he was super gentle and I never felt uncomfortable or pushed to do anything at all.

Most of what he did was all about pleasuring me, because he said it made him feel great (he would orgasm while giving me oral sex and not even with him masturbating at the same time, a lot of the time) and he felt uncomfortable if the focus was just on me doing something to pleasure him for any length of time. I was with him for about 3 years and it was a great healing thing after so much sexual dross.

My next boyfriend too, was just fine sexually.

He was a whomping mammoth bigot and wouldn't bathe or even wash when he came to visit for 2 weeks then smelled like the worst thing I have ever smelled in my whole life even though he was dousing himself in horrible allergy causing chemical deoderant while trying to behave like it was no big problem, saying things like "Why are you depressed? Is it because I reek, because I know THAT. Hell, at least I'm not as bad as Lister (from Red Dwarf) , which is why the relationship only lasted 3 months. But before he started to stink, he did fine sexually..... it was a pain in the arse that he stayed so long while stinking like that though, because he was only meant to be staying for 2 or 3 days then kept extending his visit. We broke up soon after he went back home again.

And the boyfriend after that was the slightly odd, but perfectly nice and amazingly chivalrous fellow with Aspergers... he was just fantastic to go out with, but I got the impression he maybe wasn't wanting to go out with me (although it was him who asked me out) but maybe more just curious about what it would be like to have a girlfriend possibly.... I think the reality of it got to being too much for him because he felt like ti was very important to socialise together a lot throughout the week but I'm sure it must have been exhausting for him to keep up with his own expectations of himself in that regard.... I don't think he liked kissing very much.... but we enjoyed cuddling a lot... that was nice... i think he wanted to do kissing to begin with but then kind of went off the idea after that.... then became confused about whether he actually fancied me after all, and when it emerged that he was just assuming I would be popping out babies in the near future, and I very much wasn't planning on that... well, I think it all became too much of a dealbreaker and he gave me the heave. It all only lasted for 3 months, but that contained so much more than the relationship with the stinky guy... which pretty much just revolved around my bed. He never once took me out, that guy who reeked .... whereas we had some really nice dinners and saw a number of films or just hung out a bunch of times, the guy with Aspergers and myself.

And after that, I had said to this hot bit of stuff from Portugal who I knew online that I had a crush on him, and we agreed that he would visit... but then he was just ... odd and massively presumptious when he came to stay for 3 days over new year.... he was assuming that we'd be in the same bed which imho is odd.... then wouldn't go and sleep in the guest room I'd set up when I said I wasn't wanting him to stay in my bed.

I said in no uncertain terms that I wasn't wanting him to do that and he made excuses for why it would be great but I re asserted myself, then in the evening my mum came to visit for a little bit and while we were talking (about 9pm) this Portugese bloke said he was going to bed ... but then when i went through ten minutes later (when my mum had left) he was snoring away in my bed.

Apart from anything else I value my personal space, need to get decent sleep, had only just met the guy in person, and he was heaving with a gross heavy cold.

In hindsight and with bags of time to think about it, I should have gone to stay in the spare room myself pointedly... but it never occurred to me at the time, and well it's my damn room my bed is in... and I'd feel kind of agitated if I was out of my comfort zone because of staying in the guest room rather than this, my beloved she-lair.

But then he was just pushing for sexual activity constantly.... part of the trouble was he never felt satisfied because he watched too much pon and thus couldn't get it up and felt really sexually frustrated... so he was always wanting sexual stuff to be happening. I posted about him here before and popular opinion was heavily that he was a massive tool and omg nobody was surprised that I wasn't wanting to be sexual with him when he was behaving like he was. I mean, he was hot and all.... and a quick bit of a fling was alright I guess.... but I wouldn't be wanting a repeat performance.

Apart from anything else he ripped up my skin and gave me a nasty rash because he ignored me saying how much stubble chafes my skin before he came even though I was more than clear about it. He didn't think what I was saying was important, so he said afterwards. He ignored me protesting repeatedly and basically getting to the point of being actually quite rude about it since he was not caring how I felt and only considering himself.... he had one of those stupid chinstrap spikey stubble beards (commonly known as douchebeards) which hardly any women like and which usually only very leathery skinned women ever like the feel of. So it would just leave red marks all over me, cause rashes, rip up my face..... so sexy!

It was only when I became heavily depressed by that and his attitude and refused flatly to even go near him and was too miserable to even eat that he finally bothered to shave the damn thing off.... then acted like he was doing me some big favour. Well, I never told him to shave it off... all i said right from the start was that he had to shave the thing off if he was going to be kissing me because I'd had it up to here with previously mentioned abusive rapist exes chafing the hell out of me with their nasty 4 day old stubble and mocking me or getting angry when it made me upset.

I didn't even know whether he would be wanting to kiss me when we met in person or not.... or I would have said shave the thing off before he got here. Since he was expecting intercourse pretty much as soon as we got home, he was fully anticipating kissing and evidently just didn't care about what I said about how it would hurt and scrape up my skin until it was long past the point when he should have knocked it off.

I hate that when youre like... no, go away... it hurts, stop it... and a guy just totally ignores you.

Or in his case, he would look all remorseful for like 2 minutes then make no effort to shave and start up again shoving his face into mine.

It just makes kissing such an unpleasant and lonely chore of a thing when its like that and so painful. Great for HIM no doubt though.

So anyway yeah, all of that on top of a long distance relationship being no good anyway led to that one failing.

If I'd known what a dick he would be about the douchebeard thing and how hopeless he was in bed, or how he would steamroller his way into getting his own way sometimes... well I'd have just kept him as a friend because we were the best of friends before all of this relationship stuff... which I never agreed to anyway, he just behaved like we were in this committed relationship when we'd barely even met, without bothering to talk about it at all never mind properly.

He was one of those people who "needs" intercourse in a relationship and has all kinds of amazingly stupid ideas about asexuality and relationships as well though. He believed for example that in order to be in love people by definition would be wanting to have lots of intercourse ASAP and that if anybody said they were in love without wanting that then they were lying. Which anybody here can surely have the open-mindedness to see that's absolute bollocks without me explaining why.

And he creeped me out by making a topic at this forum we both met in (where there is a forum rule prohibiting discussion of relationships between two members of the forum, out of respect (and for the protection of) the non-topic-starting partner in the relationship) .. he decided to make a topic anyway all about "person L (with low libido)" and "Person H(with high libido)", not mentioning key details like that they had only just met for the first time.... or they don't even live in the same country.. or that person H is a selfish twatt and person L has good reason not to have what he calls a low libido, even though I actually would disagree with that. Well, his topic was all about did people think it would be fine for there to be a one sided compromise at person L's expense in that relationship where L basically just had to do a bunch of sexual stuff which they didn't want to do, to keep person H happy.

So, I just woke up one day and he messaged me and said "sorry for bad news, but there's this topic I made" basically.... and I got very upset, and said it was breaking the forum rules and he shouldn't have it there.

Then he said that it was fine because "hardly anybody is anyone at the forum would know who he was talking about" .. which is really missing the point if you ask me. Because I knew exactly who he was talking about, and didn't much like all of the weird sexist forum goons being invited to their noses into my personal business (which incidentally he had never even talked to me about that or anything first) ... which they would have done since he posted it in the part of the forum which is basically like some weird hypersexual forum where everyone who isn't sex crazed is a bit too intimidated to post usually.

I am also friends with one of the forum moderators, who almost certainly could have guessed who my now-ex was not so subtly hinting at.

Which would have been awkward at best.... not least of all because my then-moderator friend (he has since stopped moderating the forum) is an incredibly gentle fellow who would be very shocked by the idea of such pressure being put on me sexually, and unsure of how to deal with such an obviously passive aggressive topic.

I actually am kind of sweet on that guy a little bit, but he lives far far away in another country and we have never met IRL to know how that might go.

So yeah, this is kind of a long post which rambled about a bit as it went on, with some heavy stuff in the middle about my bullshit abusive upbringing and early adulthood.... but these are the big mess of thoughts I've been not able to put into words before now because i was too tired from puking and suchlike.

Well, to conclude... I doubt I will meet anybody who cares about me much and is compatible and who doesn't live too far away for regular contact, going out and hanging out etc... I get very lonely sometimes, but I guess a lot of people do.

It would be nice though.... to be able to have a relationship more like the sort a previous generation would have had, with going out and getting to know each other and nice things like just kissing and cuddling for a while... then gentle 'sensual experiences' for a bit... and just taking things easy with nobody all worked into a frenzy and having ridiculous notions about women and sex from watching too much porn... just focusing on love as independent from sexual gratification and with nobody having to do anything they feel is out of their depth or too soon in the relationship.... it would be nice. Well, I guess it may happen eventually but probably not for a long while yet.

And I won't be kissing any frogs in the meantime, because too many frogs have weird ideas about having sex with humans as it turns out.

[Sexyawn]

And in the future...

If a guy starts to stink and make lame "jokes" rather than have a bath or at least a hose off, he has to go outside and stand downwind until he agrees to bathe.

I'll just dodge any efforts at kissing me which are done by guys which have nasty spikey stubble. Evidently no amount of talking will get through to some guys, so active dodging is in order. If they're acting like what I've said about it doesn't matter then they're not people I ought to be kissing anyway.

If any guy tries to stuff his unprotected penis in me, then I'm threatening to taser him and call the cops.

Hopefully that might dampen his keeness a bit, even if it's evident that I don't actually have a taser.

And if some gronk I've just met has been told repeatedly not to sleep in my bed (after asking to stay here, and me setting up the guest bed) then I shall just have to sleep in the damn guest room myself. It will probably be less of a challenge to my comfort zone than having a repeat performance of what happened before....

That was so annoying .... like, I'd have trouble sleeping... get to sleep at 3am or something and sleep badly because of him coughing on me or whatever.... then after going to sleep at 10pm this one time and sleeping soundly, he woke up at 5am or something insane and started getting all handsy.... then ten minutes later he was rubbing away at my crotch and kept kind of ... slowing down and stopping... I'd prod him or be like, "what's going on?" , "What's the time?" etc... and he would kind of twitch and wake up a bit ... start a bit... then do the same thing. It took a little while of this before I realised it was because he was falling asleep. well, that's hardly arousing... and I said so. His reply was simply that he'd been expecting intercourse but then got bored and decided to fall asleep when it didn't look like this was going to happen. After ten minutes of rubbing away with no other contact or mood setting.

And I mentioned that he couldn't actually get it up properly, right? His idea of a good time was to make me lie there holding the condom on while he moved about every which way (impossible to keep the damn thing on when I have no control over where he's moving his hips about at) with a barely erect penis, then he behaved like it was all my fault when it fell off midway. Is it any wonder I wasn't wanting to "have intercourse" with him? And what a selfish berk really... to have that attitude and wake me up with barely any sleep.

He just fell asleep after that and I couldn't get back to sleep and was too annoyed at his attitude to sleep more.... so felt quite at liberty to be a bit surly towards him for the rest of the day.

See now, if he had been in the GUEST room where he SHOULD have been, then in order to do that he would have had to knock on my bedroom door at 5am and actually engage in some sort of sensible acknowledgement of what an antisocial time of day that was to wake me up, and how bizarre it was to dive straight at my crotch upon entering the room (I think he has a fixation with vaginas).... I guess what I am getting at is, it pisses me off that he basically barged his way into my bed despite my protesting, then used it as an excuse to behave like this was a green card to start up a rubbish sexual encounter at 5am with self satisfying intentions like it was only what he expected of me, before giving up after hardly any time when I wasn't getting with the intercourse which I'd repeatedly said I wasn't even interested in doing with him.

I should probably have walked out after that... gone to stay at the local B&B.

That might have sorted his nonsense out.

For someone who was such a considerate keen listener of a friend though, I certainly wasn't expecting him to take the bulldozer approach to having a relationship.

He's probably one of those annoying over-entitled feeling people who barge about getting what they want in life by ignoring anything which gets in the way of them getting that.

Probably, it usually works.... or often enough for it to have become a habit anyway.... but for a relationship, or a good relationship anyway... I feel that a bit more subtlety and consideration is required.

Also, if anybody recognises me (i know that at least one member here is also a member of that other forum) then please don't blow my cover.

(pulls spy-like wide brimmed hat down over eyes and puts on shades, before hiding behind a hedge)

;-) thankyou.

[Wyrmcraft]

Holy crap Sexyawn, that sounds like an utterly terrible series of sexual encounters. I am surprised you are still even interested after that amount of abuse and general trouble.

Personally I am a bit of an old-fashioned person. While I am not always happy with being male, I do enjoy playing the part of the gentlemen and the list you just put up there has me a touch riled up. Basic relationship knowledge like how they are two way operations, actually talking like adults about problems and finding solutions together, basic goshdarn hygiene, and just caring about the other person's feelings.

I suggest not writing off all males completely, but do taser anyone who tries to have sex with you before you have agreed to it. Also, tell people to leave if they touch you, kiss you, or otherwise sexually touch you without your permission. Just tell them to leave or you will call the cops, that gets people's attention.

My relationship advice that doesn't involves just but not legal violence would be to work on setting boundaries with people you end up close to, so they understand what you are comfortable with. If they violate the boundaries, then they are not worth being in a relationship with. If you can find someone that actually listens to you, then you might just find a wonderful relationship.

I hope I do sometime, other people do get lonely and I miss my ex terribly. Still, not much you can do but keep looking and keep hoping.

[Sexyawn]

Thankyou Wyrmcraft.
Your comments have restored my hope for humanity some.
I wish that more men were like you.
:-)

[Ricecream-man]

O_O
Holy turd on a stick.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I honestly hope that you've just had bad luck with guys and that most guys aren't anywhere like this. Most of my friends don't give off that feeling, but many guys act differently outside as compared to behind closed doors with just them and a female.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with all of those guys who were pretty abusive to say the least. That dildo idea that you mentioned before might actually be a pretty good one. Keeping that plan in handy might actually keep the next guy who tries something like that away from you. :P

Nothing that hasn't been said, but definitely don't ever feel obligated to have sex with anyone you don't want to. If you feel like casual sex then that's fine, but if you don't like it at any point be very firm about it and make them stop. Any decent guy won't be upset with you over it and any guy who gets upset isn't a decent guy.

Good luck and best wishes though in any future encounters!

[Goober]

sounds exactly like my ex - rape tendencies and all. sorry you had to put up with that bullshit.

[Sexyawn]

:-) Thanks.
Well, I think that there must surely be quite a few guys who aren't like that but all the same there are also quite a few who are.

I have a boyfriend now, I have no idea whether this will work out and last for long though.

(quite possibly not although i hope it does)

He is very much not the rapey sort, which is great.

I think the relationship has launched into being very sexual rather soon, whereas I would have preferred a gradual progression towards doing things... but I think the vast majority of guys just want to be getting very sexual asap so I dunno... well anyway, we'll see how it goes.

[Ricecream-man]

Good luck!

Please don't do anything you're uncomfortable with though. Even if he wants to do it, just explain it to him and gauge his reaction from there.

[Sexyawn]

Hmmm, well one of the things i need to talk to him about is that doing any 'warming me up' after intercourse is not really very effective compared to if he took time out to do that sort of thing beforehand. I'd also very much like to do the slower gentler kind of intercourse than just the whoom zoom accelerator hard n fast sort.... although I think he feels a need to do that because he has been having trouble with maintaining erection.

A lot of guys probably just want to f*ck me, but what I think I'd really want instead is more of an affectionate sort of thing.... you know?

My boyfriend tries hard to satisfy me but generally only after intercourse, but my girl bits are often a bit numb by then because of the accelerated hard intercourse and all.... and it just kind of feels like trying to have fun at the end of a party or something... I keep thinking he no doubt just wants to fall asleep after intercourse (because guys generally do) or it's probably a bit boring or something (he has been known to start dozing off but not meaning to, so then there's that annoying hand-stimulus which keeps speeding up then going all sluggish until he wakes up a bit again and picks up where he left off.... and well, I think he doesn't yet understand that a gentle touch is likely to be more effective than mega fast hard pressing and stimulus down there. But I think I would just need to try and talk about this, he's a good guy and I think he just does the hard stuff because he believes that women would find that most satisfying.... or it would make me orgasm more easily or quickly or something.... but I don't think that's the case really :-p

The most effective intercourse was the time when I orgasmed first... but that was only because we'd already had intercourse to begin with (when I wasn't particularly aroused, but well whatever) then he did the slightly dozey hand stuff until I had an orgasm.. then he wanted more intercourse after that...

I can't really say I'm impressed by the physical sensation of intercourse so far to be honest, though. It's a bit numb and sometimes hurts a bit or feels just plain uncomfortable from being a bit tight... but well, that's from not being aroused enough I suppose. Intercourse makes me very anxious anyway for reasons which are probably obvious, and not being properly aroused doesn't help that at all. I don't know how to talk to him about this. :-/ He will listen though and care I think, if I do explain this kind of thing. I do intercourse because I like that he enjoys it so much, and it's intimate and all. But I wouldn't have a problem at all if we didn't do it... it's just not been up to much physically so far as far as genitals go, and close cuddling is just as intimate for me.... probably more so. But I do get great enjoyment from watching him doing it and seeing how he enjoys it.

I feel kind of empty and sad the next day though, probably because I long for more gentle, and to me intimate, kinds of sex and that's not been happening but I'm not sure what to do / say about it. I mean, I probably look all turned on during intercourse because of enjoying holding and watching him and all, so he won't be realising that I feel like how I do.

Maybe I should just insist that we don't do intercourse until I'm either building up for an orgasm or have actually had one ;-) and tell him all about the golden key of gentle touching, and keep insisting on it if/when he starts speeding things up and pressing harder. We've had plenty of hard intercourse in the short time we've been together, and I'd like to do something gentle for a change.

:-/ He would probably say he needs to do intercourse hard and fast because condoms deaden sensation, but the fact of it is that after racing for the finish line (how it seems to me) he unsusprisingly comes really quickly.... then feels like he might be unsatisfying to me because he couldn't last longer. Which imho isn't logical. Oh well. :-/

[Sexyawn]

I have no idea whether he's been watching porn or what, but it wouldn't surprise me if he had been.

Way too many guys watch that crap, and I wish they wouldn't because way too many guys get all sorts of horribly unrealistic expectations about sex and women which they've picked up from watching that dross... (seeming to me, most of them are) horribly impersonal and frequently unpleasant, contrived sex scenes which are designed for male visual viewing pleasure rather than having anything to do with female enjoyment... featuring women who probably rub on numbing gel before working as prostitutes on camera, being paid to do stuff which many of them would never willingly do with their boyfriends.... pretending like they get aroused with no foreplay then are hot to trot for the frenzied clitoris scrubbing or immediately very hard intercourse, or whatever nonsense porn features nowadays.... and often faking an orgasm after a few minutes or else everything just trails off limply after the guy comes like the woman is worth nothing after that.... leaving many watchers utterly in the dark about how to achieve that, even if they are the good guy sort who would deeply wish to please any real women who they attract.

I strongly dislike it that normal women like me have such a difficult time because of men choosing to indulge in watching this stuff while whacking off, and absorbing all sorts of stupid ideas from it which sabotage normal healthy sexual activity. It's as ridiculous as me watching a bunch of superhero films then expecting guys to be extremely strong , fly and have X-ray vision.... and guys feeling all inadequate or wrong because they can't.

Well anyway, we haven't talked about that but it would explain a lot if he's been sitting about masturbating to dross internet porn for ages, or something.

It sounds like one of his exes (at least one) was a total nymphomaniac or something as well, which does me no good regarding feeling inadequate and so forth.
:-( :-( :-(

[Sexyawn]

Well, this is a good guy who I'm with... I know that much at any rate.
I mean, most likely really I just need to woman the hell up and talk to him.... I guess just make it clear that I really need some more gentle sexual stuff going on, and for him to be a lot less hasty about going for intercourse - especially if he's going down the hard n fast route every time. Ideally then it would be when I already had an orgasm as the area relaxes a lot then and I might also be a bit turned on still. It might be an idea to mention that it has been hurting for two days after the last time we had intercourse since I wasn't turned on before it happened, and since the area was already sore from way too frenzied stimulus and intercourse before that... :-/ well it's my fault for agreeing to do it. It really hurt to begin with and he apologised, but I agreed to do more anyway. He would have stopped if I'd said I wanted to stop though. It got numbed up pretty quickly though, and well I do like watching him go at it.

[binary suns]

[binary suns]

[Sexyawn]

Thankyou for your comments and advice.
:-)

[Kanenas]

First off, I'm sorry that happened to you. You surely deserve much better.

It is a matter of fact that the very most men, but not all, do not have much of a clue of the stereotypical female sexual needs, mindset and anatomy. And many of them also lack the empathy, sensitivity and patience. You have to see for yourself if what you've experienced has put you off or if you would like to keep experimenting. To tap into your curiosity about women. If you're willing, there's no harm in trying. Obviously there's also lesbians or curious women who are terrible in bed (whether that would mean unskilled or simply insensitive), but the odds are different. I think it's very safe to say that the overall experience will be completely different. I heard from an asexual woman who identifies as straight that she much rather has sex with other women.

[Sexyawn]

Thankyou.

I just cant fathom how some guys manage to have had such a huge amount of sexual experience while still not having any clue about womens' sexual needs.... honestly I've been with virgins who had more of a clue simply because they tended to go a lot more slowly and cautiously and ask questions about what felt good, rather than bombing straight into the jackhammering approach.

I live on a crappy island with zero gay community. It's just not been possible to try anything with a woman locally.
Long before I met my boyfriend I thought I'd far rather have a relationship with a woman than a man (or a fling, or whatever) for the reasons you mentioned.... by definition women wouldn't be wanting everything to revolve around intercourse and be pushing for it all the time, probably they would have a better grasp of a process rather than goal orientated approach, and probably would be less likely to have corrupted their brains by gawping at loads of rubbish porn while whacking off and getting stupid ideas about women and sex.

I feel put off doing intercourse how it's been going so far, it just feels pointless and not even physically satisfying never mind emotionally.
I mean yeah it was hot or whatever for a little bit.... but it makes my girl bits go numb and it's not making me feel like wanting more of it like that.
Perhaps my boyfriend does lack empathy , sensitivity and patience.

[Sexyawn]

I feel like there's more to be said but I don't know what to write about it.

Like... hmmm.... well I know that a lot of guys (and probably women) want sexual activity to be all full on as soon as possible with somebody and do all manner of things in a short space of time... but with that, and with me.... it tends to just put me off even if the stuff done is alright.... well, it's so far been as described ... not exactly crafted to make me want more anyway, it's all just too "wham bam" .... but then my brain tends to go "oh, well that all happened and it wasn't really something I'm fussed about doing more of.... this guy is probably just wanting to get his rocks off rather than have any emotional connection or do things nicely.... so yeah, ehhhh (goes off him a bit)"

I can't really help it.... I think it's fairly well documented that having sex early in a relationship can increase the likelihood of it failing with many people though?

I'm also just not at all sure that he's going about anything in the right way sometimes.... like the first time he stayed over we did intercourse twice ... neither time with me being as enthusiastic about it as he was but it was alright.... then the next day right before my mum was due to get home from work (it's never clear when she will get back but it could have been ten minutes after that) I was saying we ought to get up, and he started smiling a bit and going on about how he was thinking about if he would be able to do intercourse again before she got there, and about how he thought he'd run out of condoms but was just wondering if he would manage to do it in time... not pushing to actually do it, but still that just made me profoundly uncomfortable.

He also doesn't ask whether I actually want to do intercourse ever, just phrases it like "should I get a condom?".... then seems surprised if I don't want him to, and might be like "you want to do it without a condom?" (ew ew ew ew no. ew ew ew (-.-) ) or do something not that good like frenzied rubbing on my vagina then after a minute be like, "how about now"? He did sometimes ask what he should do but I didn't know what to say..... I mean, it's more about how he feels than actually doing anything specific I think..... and that what he does do is way too hard and fast pretty much always so far.
But I haven't really explained that to him yet.

I'm also confused because intercourse seemed to bugger up my emotions a bit.... the day after I feel empty and very lonely and sort of ... sad... because I'm on my own and I guess because it didn't fill an emotional need. The last time I saw my boyfriend we hung out the next day and that was better than just being on my own afterwards. But between the intercourse and him bombing me out (he has had a very difficult life and I don't think he realises how difficult it is to hear about it when he talks a great deal about it for a very long time) I ended up becoming upset and not wanting to be on my own the next day so I think he might think I'm clingy which I'm not usually... and now I'm like the opposite. I haven't asked him over for a visit today even though I have the house to myself for a while, for example.

Perhaps its that he would be a great friend, but the relationship stuff seems much like with the guy I was with before.... too full on and way too early in the relationship, and I don't know him very well beforehand... and so I don't have a foundation for knowing how to interpret the relationship or sexual activity.

:-/ Maybe we would both get on better if he got together with some nymphomaniac whose idea of arousing is being told "I really want to f*ck you".
I think I'm probably demisexual.
I know this post is all over the place. I don't know what to say about this or how to put it.
I do really like this guy... I just.... maybe he'd rather have a f*ckbuddy than an actual relationship.
Or maybe he's fetishing me because of hair colour or having certain interests.

Maybe I'm entirely off the mark and he's just been utterly misled by dating weirdoes off a dating website like that nymphomaniac ex of his, or from gawping at porn or whatever, I don't know.
I know that I could communicate more effectively, but just it's not easy to do and I take responsibility for not doing that.