Intellectual Starvation - Sapiosexuals

[Enki]

Wondering if those of you who identify as sapiosexual ever suffer from this.

Being unable to engage in a extensive intellectual discussion with someone( whoever, however) for extended periods of time forming a type of sexual/emotional knot.

You might say if feels a lot like sexual neglect/deprivation. Really annoying feeling.

[Burnt_Phoenix]

My girlfriend is sapiosexual, and has described this exact feeling to me. She said that, without someone to have an intellectual and deep conversation with, she often felt deprived and 'hungry', and could often induce her depression if it was too long between smart conversations. Sorry that it's second-hand, but you aren't the only sapio that feels like that.

[LadyPariah]

I like to identify as sapioromantic (is that even a word?) When talking to someone who's not particularly bright, I feel like I have to talk to them like a child, or someone who does not understand the English language very well. I'm not meaning to be rude, but I really don't know how to communicate with them. I feel a lot like an encyclopedia compared to the book "hop on pop." (no offense Mr. Suess). I cannot be attracted to anyone that reminds me of a child!

[Artistofnoname]

I have contemplated on what I would be if I weren't an aromantic asexual (like an alternative universe) I am pretty sure would so be a sapio.

I got an IQ of 115 and its very hard to find intelligent conversation. Heck some of the best ones I can get are with my dad (where I'm sure I get it from) whom I don't get to see much so it can be tough.

[SithLord]

I'm not sapio- but sure as hell wish I was. It sounds intriguing, but definitely would be harder to explain to people.

But as for me normally, I HATE when I can't have intellectual conversations with people. My bf and I click so well definitely because we both like having intellectual conversations. Once we debated the reasoning for rape being popular in yaoi manga and anime, and it was seriously one of the best conversations I've had with someone at 4 in the morning. I don't date exclusively smart people, but I don't date many people really. My ex wasn't as bright as me on some things but is a genius when it comes to computers and stuff. I guess I don't want to be surrounded by idiots, but as long as they have their niche, their one thing they're good at and know a lot about, I'll enjoy their company. So I guess you could call me sapioplatonic? I don't know. Idiots bother me, but at least they make me feel smart.

Maybe this is why I get into so many arguments on the internet over odd topics. I just wish I could find honest debaters instead of trolls or idiots.

[Enki]

My girlfriend is sapiosexual, and has described this exact feeling to me. She said that, without someone to have an intellectual and deep conversation with, she often felt deprived and 'hungry', and could often induce her depression if it was too long between smart conversations. Sorry that it's second-hand, but you aren't the only sapio that feels like that.

Yes, it definitely feels like something that might induce depression. I've learned to turn to books as substitutes for this kind of human interaction, usually philosophy or poetry themed. It makes the void a bit more bearable.

[Notte stellata]

I don't identify as sapio- anything, but intellectual connection is very important in my friendships and relationships, so I definitely get this. Not only do I crave intellectual conversations, I also crave intellectual conversations on all the important things I care about. Not necessarily with one person (it would be unrealistic to expect any one person to share all my views and interests), but hopefully there's a few people who fulfill different niches of my intellectual needs. Even if just one part isn't fulfilled, I'll feel somewhat intellectually starved. For example, right now there are people in my life with whom I can talk about alternative relationships and general life outlooks on and on, but I'm still craving someone who can gush about Les Mis or Atlas Shrugged with me. :P

[Arctangent]

I also don't identify as sapio-anything (although I'm quite close to someone who does), but I do consider intellectual/philosophical conversation to be an important need of mine. I have gone through times where I felt deprived of of intellectual connection in the past. I'm the type of person who spends a lot of time in their own head. My thoughts, ideas, and daydreams are central to my sense of self, and being unable to share any of that with anyone can feel stifling and lonely at times. Fortunately, it's been a while since I've felt that way - nowadays, I know plenty of people who are interested in the same kind of conversation, and I have stable, fulfilling connections with a handful of them. Not all of these connections are focused on the same sorts of interests, though - I can relate to the idea of having distinct intellectual "niches." I like that, though. It's a lot of fun to have interesting discussions spread across multiple topics with different people all in the same day. ^_^

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I don't identify as anything more specific than "grey-a" or "on the asexual spectrum" any more, but I've certainly got some streaks of both sapiosexuality and demisexuality in me.

The development of intimate relationships with me goes something like this:

1. Make contact.

2. Establish intellectual compatibility and "conversational chemistry".

3. Establish that we've got compatible relationship desires.

4. Emotional intimacy.

5. Affectionate physical contact.

6. Sex (possibly).

The sex element is a funny one: I used to think I was a classic demisexual, but really it's more like I can "swing both ways" between being sexual and asexual, and it's totally context-dependent on the headspace I have with each individual person. I can have sexual relationships with sexuals, and nonsexual relationships with asexuals, and they feel equally important emotionally.

Back to the original question: Yes, I can understand the "intellectual starvation" thing. If I don't have any relationships in my life which are somewhere on levels 4-5 on the above levels of intimacy, I tend to feel a bit starved for intellectual stimulation, emotional connection and affectionate touch. This doesn't happen with sex though, which is why I identify with being on the asexual spectrum.

[WünderBâhr]

Sapioromantic, here.

Sometimes I wonder if being around others with a smaller vocabulary has forced me to become used to "small talk" and chats of that sort. Not having intellectual conversation on a regular basis used to bother me more often... It does feel a bit lonely when others don't (or can't) comprehend the ideas that run through my mind; be they strange or serious. I like to have fun and laugh, as well. Being silly with wit and humor equally appeals to me.

[Ace of Cakes]

I don't identify as sapio, but I do feel that way sometimes. I'm asexual, but demi-heteroromantic, and I feel that to have that deep emotional connection I need to feel romantic attraction, I also need to have an intellectual connection. Intellectual stimulation excites me, and I could never see myself being attracted to anyone with whom I could not share deep, thoughtful, intellectual conversations

[Guest]

I don't identify as sapiosexual or sapioromantic but I do get frustrated when I don't get to talk to anyone with above average intelligence for too long....one of the reasons why I returned to AVEN is because there are quite a few members here that are smart enough....

[kulosle]

I'm not sapiosexual and some times i feel like this. While I can keep my brain stimulated with classes and independent research it isn'hit the same. There is a certain social intellectuality (not a word i know but it's the best i can describe it.) It's obvious when I've gone to long without a intelligent conversation because i start to sound less intelligent. I'm less good at articulating my intellectual bases for my thoughts if i'm not in the practice of doing it. And after a while i start to feel weary, very similar to starvation (which i have experienced). I'll get tired and dizzy. I don't get depressed but I act very similar.

[Guest]

I'm not sure if I'm sapio or not. In just like intellectualists, just would prefer people who know about music, books and many different things. I just don't like those who only can talk about reality shows and stupid things, they make me so boring. I also wish sex would be more intellectual but unfortunately many people don't care about this :(

[basbleu]

This is such a constant issue for me. I fight depression every day, trying to occupy my mind as I make my art and try to sneak in some occasional housework. If I try having television on, I fall into bed at night in the lowest of spirits. I can do NPR only so much; I used to volunteer at the station, and now all the voices have persons attached, and they're not all such nice people. Today I finally went to the library to reserve audio CDs of Harry Potter. This should be somewhat enjoyable (I read the first book long ago; when everyone jumped on that bandwagon, I stepped right offa there) and keep me going for a while? I hope?

I currently live in Los Angeles. And it is just as it is reputed. Sure, there are smart people here, but the social construct is of a place where people regularly change their looks and names to be more marketable -- so how deep can it be? I tell people I have a very sticky brain; I like to get into things - poetry, the NYer or Smithsonian Magazines are the only subscriptions I have. Virtually everyone I know is what I call a "skiier." They glide across the surface of their brain pan. Mostly stoned, I believe. My bf is an attorney, but she flits from man to man, and it's finally beginning to try my patience. I can't really care anymore when her relationships don't work out; she'll be in another one before the month is done.

I am tired of feeling SO alone, though, and so I believe I shall have to move someplace else now. Because not only is it difficult to find deep non-self-absorbed folks here, I feel like I keep having to explain why I am even looking for them. That just ain't right.

Give me a sharp mind, add an ability to make me laugh, and you can be the Elephant Man, but I will be devoted to you. Have a few empathic moments a week, and I am yours forever.

Meanwhile, I gave up looking long ago. I found an asexual man a few years ago (not looking for one, he just showed up) but he was also an aromantic man. . . and just clueless about emotional intimacy. I finally couldn't "settle" anymore, so I sent him on his way (back to his home, with no friends or neighbors or plants or pets). I'd rather be completely alone than have to -- as one above me in this thread said -- explain how the world works to him, as to a child. I didn't like who I was when I was with him, because who likes a Know-It-All? I still believe he had Asberger's, but he could turn on the charm and seem very pleasant in public, till you noticed he was just repeating what people had already said.

It does help to read. And write. And study and learn new things. It even helps to hang around my local public library. Although I find myself growling under my breath far too often, "INSIDE voices! SHHH!" (And GET OFF MY LAWN!)

[Snusmumriken]

I don't think I am purely sapiosexual, not at all, but I can't stand talking to 'empty people'. A good conversation might 'activate' myself in someway, but I admit that it's not purely essential, so I guess I am sort of 'Graysapiosexual' :wub:

[Aisntllecxtual]

One of the biggest reasons I married my wife was a feeling that we shared deep intellectual connection. I remember a time before marriage when we were in a bookstore and I was in the political science/history section. My eyes became transfixed on one book of particular interest. My partner came up behind me after my eyes released their focus in continuing to scan the titles. She pointed at the book that was the object of my previous attention and said, "this looks interesting." I can tell you that meant an awful 'lot to me. I felt an unimaginably close connection to her at that moment.

Since legal union, the conflict over sex has irrevocably alienated us from each other. It is the oddest struggle. She wishes the sensuousness of touching, and, indeed, especially, at that particular time of month, sex. I am speaking deeply and desperately trying to engage/immerse her intellectually, of which she more times than not rebels - too busy. She feels starved in one area and I in the other. She had said before marriage she wasn't much interested in sex, as likewise to my stated lack. After marriage, she changed. My intense intellectual desire to connect, and it is Herculean (I term it as desire for intellectual sex, to experience mental orgasm if you will), has not even closely lived up to expectation in satiation. My wife and I speak different primary languages (Croatian and English). We don't speak each others language well enough to relate profoundly (is but one crucial hurdle, among so many other extremely important unresolved - and what I believe are - intractable issues). I knew this before marriage but underestimated our capacity to elevate our linguistic skills fast enough to meet my inordinate (also misjudged in intensity) intellectual cravings. We have been and continue to be on the road to divorce - unfortunately.

I had never heard the terms sapiosexual or sapioromantic until yesterday but the latter certainly applies to me (the former no, IF it means that deep intellectual connection is required before physical sex can be envisioned - contingent-based as with demisexuality: in this sense, I am no doubt unconditionally orientated as asexual). The result of this education - revelation - is that I have changed my profile. I still identify myself as ideo-romantic but also sapioromantic (bi in that I make no gender distinctions in outreach for deep intellectual intimacy: indeed, although I am hetero-aesthetic (attracted in excitation to the female form - can't masturbate to the thought of the male but only the female body), my closest intellectual bonds in the past have happened to be men). In regard to distinguishing between sapio and ideo: The difference is that sapio in my mind is more confidential in nature (seek(s) partner(s) in mutual intimacy) and with ideo ideas/ideology in and of themselves/itself evoke(s) the height of ecstatic romantic imagination, endeavor, desire for realization in the person (and that certainly is the case with me) or persons collectively involved/pursuing.

[(A)rrogant Avian]

I am not sapiosexual/romantic, I do not feel like I would identify with it anyway. But I have experienced longing for intellectual conversation, and if I am left without it I feel a deep lust for conversation (intellegent). At the moment I am squishing on someone and whenever I get to talk to them I feel so brilliant! They are so clever, but I don't get to talk to them for that long or that often. They are a bit older than me, because I don't converse much with my peers, for the reason that they are annoying and frankly a bit dim. There was a span of two weeks, (just a few days ago) where I didn't get to talk to him or even see him. It was driving me virtually to insanity! I have a deep, intense platonic love for him, and the love is probably caused only because he is smart, but he is also nice and quite charming.

I do feel like I have an 'intellectual conversation meter', which I cannot fill from talking to the stupid, and it feels almost like a lust or a hunger of some sort. I don't really like the terms sapiosexual/romantic, I will not voice those opinions though, because they are unrefined and messy from the lack of sharping my opinion on the topic.

[scarletlatitude]

I am totally a sapiosexual. This is why most relationships don't work for me. If the person does not challenge me intellectually, I get bored. I have honestly ended relationships because of this. (Granted, at the time I wasn't aware of it, but looking back now, I can see that's why it went south.) If I ever did find a partner that would give me that challenge, then I think the relationship would work out, whether that person was asexual or not.

I am also one of those people who would rather be alone than talk to people like they are children. As an introvert, it is difficult enough for me to be in social situations. Add into it that I find many people boring and.... well, I am beginning to see why I am still single. :P

[Ficulnean]

I don't go so far as to identify myself as sapiosexual, although it's on my requirment list and causes me to like people, because I instead identify as hetroromantic, but this is without a doubt something that I experience. I feel a bit lost when I don't get to talk to people inteliigently; like a relationship isn't then whole.

[Maven2014]

I probably am sapiosexual, I definitely slide into a downward spiral if I'm starved of intellectually stimulating conversation. Sapio-asexual :)

[nerdsbianknight]

I've never even considers sapiosexuality, though it would make sense. My girlfriend says that my brain is my sex organ and that I have very little interest in the physical aspects tends to support that. Because I'm the same way, without stimulating conversation I tend to get bogged down and depression is always a possible outcome of that feeling. That's why the internet is such a godsend, because I can talk to people all over the world about whatever the hell I want to.

[kiaroskuro]

I am also one of those people who would rather be alone than talk to people like they are children. As an introvert, it is difficult enough for me to be in social situations. Add into it that I find many people boring and.... well, I am beginning to see why I am still single. :P

Sounds familiar ^_^

[Elaine Watson]

Disclaimer: I am not sapioromantic.

I definitely crave those deep conversations, but I do not think I had one for over a year. I never initiate this sort of conversation, as I was chastised by both my friends and family for a long while about being philosophical - always in a context that it was somewhat hurtful. One of the attributes I value most in people, especially romantically, is intelligence. So yes, I sympathize somewhat as to being intelligence-depraved.

Can someone please clear up what sapiosexual actually means? I have heard two definitions, and both sound strange and alien to me:

"Sapiosexual - the quality that most attracts a sapiosexual is intelligence." - this, I do not understand, as I place a very high value on a good nature and compatibility. But I guess it is possible.

"Sapiosexual - attracted to intelligence" - this sounds linguistically wrong, as you do not list yourself as rufussexual if you are attracted to redheads, why this special treatment? Also, most of the population is somewhat attracted to smart people.

So, who would like to define it more clearly to me?

[Ricecream-man]

Disclaimer: I am not sapioromantic.

I definitely crave those deep conversations, but I do not think I had one for over a year. I never initiate this sort of conversation, as I was chastised by both my friends and family for a long while about being philosophical - always in a context that it was somewhat hurtful. One of the attributes I value most in people, especially romantically, is intelligence. So yes, I sympathize somewhat as to being intelligence-depraved.

Can someone please clear up what sapiosexual actually means? I have heard two definitions, and both sound strange and alien to me:

"Sapiosexual - the quality that most attracts a sapiosexual is intelligence." - this, I do not understand, as I place a very high value on a good nature and compatibility. But I guess it is possible.

"Sapiosexual - attracted to intelligence" - this sounds linguistically wrong, as you do not list yourself as rufussexual if you are attracted to redheads, why this special treatment? Also, most of the population is somewhat attracted to smart people.

So, who would like to define it more clearly to me?

It's more of what your focus is and to what degree that trait is required and what counts as a dealbreaker. If you're unable to continue or start a relationship because of intelligence issues, you may be sapiosexual.

As to the OP I completely understand your issues. I can deal with a lack of knowledge about a subject, but an inability to catch on or an overall sense of slowness ruins my perception of an individual. While I can still maintain a relationship (romantic or otherwise) it greatly shifts the dynamic and the way I treat and work with somebody.

Plus, times such as now, when I have a dry spell without proper conversation I hit a huge depressive funk. I get lethargic and sad, and I can't focus on anything.

Hell. That's the reason I started joining these sites, to try and get some sort of interpersonal intellectual simulation.

Sure, reading and writing can help stave off the thirst for a little while, but it's like drinking salt water. The craving and the pain come back stronger and more frequently than before.

[Kazu]

I can sorta relate though for me I don't feel starved of them if I go too long without an intelligent/though provoking conversations I just crave them after a while. The cravings for them don't go beyond me just being a little frustrated though. I guess I fall into the sapiosexual/sapioromantic category but I've heard numerous people call sapiosexuals pretentious so I'm hesitant to identify as one. But as I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone who I can't have deep conversations with I'm one regardless of whether I accept it or not.

[this-way-or-yonder]

I actually have a fundamental issue with the term "sapiosexual" because it is potentially very ableist. What defines intelligence? A lot of modern society's definitions of intelligence are incredibly ableist, and there's been quite a lot of discussion about the term being problematic, that I've seen. I don't explain it well on my own, but I can provide links to where the issue has been discussed.