Why is it so hard to admit...

[butterflydreams]

...that I'm not experiencing sexual attraction?

I guess I came upon the concept of asexuality somewhat later in life (post college), but my history abounds with evidence of not experiencing that attraction, and certainly not being driven by it. No relationship history, bailing on potential relationships because I wasn't feeling something I thought I was supposed to. Trying hard to "get a girlfriend" just for the sake of having a girlfriend with no plans for after that. Never really having any sexual interest in anyone throughout high school and college.

It seems like it would be easy to say I feel the same about men as I do about women, but that's not accurate. I think my interest in women is different, though I can't pin down how. I've never desired sex with anyone specific, though I suppose I've infrequently desired it in the abstract with an abstract woman partner. A little "self gifting" can usually cure that though. I'm pretty sure I can imagine myself in a romantic-looking relationship with a woman, and if sex was a part of that, I think I'd be fine with that (with caution).

What's the deal here? Anyone else have this difficulty admitting these thing to themselves?

[I'd rather be in band.]

I don't personally have that difficulty, but sometimes people see it as unhealthy or not normal, and they see their (a)sexuality as a negative aspect of themselves. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, so don't be ashamed to call yourself whatever you think you are. It may be difficult to accept at first, - it is for some - but it may help alleviate any distress you may be feeling if you spend some time and think about what you really feel. I hope that you can sort all of this out! I know that some things about asexuality are difficult to accept. Just remember that you aren't the only person who feels the way that you do!

[Guest]

...that I'm not experiencing sexual attraction?

I guess I came upon the concept of asexuality somewhat later in life (post college), but my history abounds with evidence of not experiencing it, and certainly not being driven by it. No relationship history, bailing on potential relationships because I wasn't feeling something I thought I was supposed to. Trying hard to "get a girlfriend" just for the sake of having a girlfriend with no plans for after that. Never really having any sexual interest in anyone throughout high school and college.

It seems like it would be easy to say I feel the same about men as I do about women, but that's not accurate. I think my interest in women is different, though I can't pin down how. I've never desired sex with anyone specific, though I suppose I've infrequently desired it in the abstract with an abstract woman partner. A little "self gifting" can usually cure that though. I'm pretty sure I can imagine myself in a romantic-looking relationship with a woman, and if sex was a part of that, I think I'd be fine with that (with caution).

What's the deal here? Anyone else have this difficulty admitting these thing to themselves?

First of all you should not have to try to get a gf. Allow it to happen on its own. Do not rush into a relationship. Give your self time and it will become clear what you want out of people. Make sure you have a clear understanding of what you are looking for before you start looking. Make a list of you have to in order to keep your self on track. Everything else will work it self out.

[Scottthespy]

There are a lot of topics that get started on this site with a similar tone. People who tried so hard for so long to 'be normal' that now the idea of letting that all go and being however you want is frightening. I am not one such person, so all I can tell you is that it does make sense. Humans are social creatures, and we want to fit in. We go through great pains to be 'normal' and often shun things we might like or work to be into something we're not, for the sake of the crowd we want to hang out with. The idea of throwing even one peice of that normalcy act to the winds and admiting your oddness flies in the face of that need for acceptence. It's normal to feel awkard or uncertain about admitting you're not like the majority, and it can take time to get passed that urge to be like every one else. The fact that most of the world is living in a hypersexualized culture makes this particular norm seem almost enforced, and compounds the issue in this case.

[butterflydreams]

There are a lot of topics that get started on this site with a similar tone. People who tried so hard for so long to 'be normal' that now the idea of letting that all go and being however you want is frightening. I am not one such person, so all I can tell you is that it does make sense. Humans are social creatures, and we want to fit in. We go through great pains to be 'normal' and often shun things we might like or work to be into something we're not, for the sake of the crowd we want to hang out with. The idea of throwing even one peice of that normalcy act to the winds and admiting your oddness flies in the face of that need for acceptence. It's normal to feel awkard or uncertain about admitting you're not like the majority, and it can take time to get passed that urge to be like every one else. The fact that most of the world is living in a hypersexualized culture makes this particular norm seem almost enforced, and compound the issue in this case.

I think this really hits it. I remember for a long time "mimicking" others. I compared it to being like a mirror, and reflecting back to others whatever they were putting out.

Writing helps me sort stuff out, and I've written thousands of words on myself and my feelings with this. I'm certainly a lot more confident in it than I was initially. It did feel so amazing when I first really got on board with it. Like, wow, things are going to be ok, so this is how I feel about stuff, and it's ok?! Unbelievable relief. But I still can't help coming across things, or reading what someone else says, and feeling a tiny bit of doubt. I guess everyone's experience is different and equally valid though, including mine.

And yes, I know I shouldn't try to get a girlfriend, that was my mimicry, and it ended a while ago. The "radical" thought occurred to me that, "wow, I can define how I want a relationship to be? And that doesn't have to include things I can't handle like passionate kissing?" That was a very freeing thought! It makes me feel like I want those things, instead of feeling like I have to have had them or be considered defective.

[jsx0]

Hey pioneer! I think I go through something similar - like I can't make the notion really stick. I understand that a label, or even a description, is always lacking a bit and can never exhaust the individual, but this doesn't seem to cover the entire issue of this gap in identification.

Part of my confusion has to do with always having small half-stirrings, inclinations or fantasies that don't pan out in reality, abstract substitutes for apparently concrete things, and other little bits of incomplete experiences that make me feel as if it would be too simple to honestly say either 'I feel this' or 'I don't feel this'. For me it's like everything I feel, sexually or not, is encoded into some weird web of distances, and it takes so long to decode things when I'm supposed to be feeling them that I end up not being present in my feelings after all. Or like I have to outrun myself when engaging with the world lest/before I just detach. The confusion gets compounded by the fact that the way I feel (or don't feel) sexually towards men and women is qualitatively different as very well, but in neither case would qualify as what seems to be what sexuals call attraction. I'm still very much not sure what to make of all of that?

[butterflydreams]

I guess we can chalk it up to sexuality being complex :P

Everything else aside, I told myself that if accepting asexuality as my identity could make me feel as good, safe, and relaxed as it did, it couldn't be too far off the mark. If I graphed my rejection of it, it would probably look like a logarithmic decay. I think I've passed the half-life at this point though. It's amazing how ingrained cultural heteronormative thoughts can be though, but also how freeing it can feel to even consider dumping them.

On the plus side though, I feel much more keenly aware of myself now, and my feelings. Not to sound silly, but before, I was just kind of on cruise control, trying to do heteronormative things, despite not intrinsically feeling I wanted to. Everyone else was, including close friends, so I better get on it. Now it's more like I'm in control and living my life the way it makes sense to me, and the way it will be most fulfilling for my wants and desires.

[oldgeeza]

it's considered the "manly" thing to do when you're in your teens & 20's, get a woman & s**g her senseless, prove to the world that you're a man. Me personally, I'd have admitted it sooner, I just didn't know there was a term for it, I never knew that there were others alike to me until I got a computer....at 40!!!

My fathers side of the family took it that I'm gay, my father believes that he is a "REAL MAN" & there is no room for queers in his family, we haven't spoken since February 23rd 1989, even if I told that side of the family now, because of their narrow mindedness, they wouldn't understand, I've explained this to people, but at the same time, I would never let it bother me, I am who I am, my asexuality is a part of me, so if those around me don't like it, there's no reason why they have to bother with me is there, there's no law that states they have to talk to me or like me, I am who I am, if I offend, well, that's life, I'm not about to apologise for who I am.

[Hooded_Crow]

...that I'm not experiencing sexual attraction?

I guess I came upon the concept of asexuality somewhat later in life (post college), but my history abounds with evidence of not experiencing it, and certainly not being driven by it. No relationship history, bailing on potential relationships because I wasn't feeling something I thought I was supposed to. Trying hard to "get a girlfriend" just for the sake of having a girlfriend with no plans for after that. Never really having any sexual interest in anyone throughout high school and college.

It seems like it would be easy to say I feel the same about men as I do about women, but that's not accurate. I think my interest in women is different, though I can't pin down how. I've never desired sex with anyone specific, though I suppose I've infrequently desired it in the abstract with an abstract woman partner. A little "self gifting" can usually cure that though. I'm pretty sure I can imagine myself in a romantic-looking relationship with a woman, and if sex was a part of that, I think I'd be fine with that (with caution).

What's the deal here? Anyone else have this difficulty admitting these thing to themselves?

Hey Pioneer!

What you wrote there describes me almost perfectly. Just like you, I never had any sexual interest in anyone throughout high school and college. Just like you, I have sometimes desired sex in the abstract - usually picturing men, although now I think that was just due to heteronormative environment - although this usually happens when I'm already aroused and disappears as soon as I've taken care of it.

I can see myself in a relationship with either a man or a woman. And if sex is a part of that, well - although with caution too.

It does sometimes make me doubt my label - especially when I'm in these, hem, situations where I can imagine myself having sex - but quite frankly I think it shouldn't. And as soon as I'm 'me' again, and thinking clearly, I stop doubting.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you're just as asexual as I am. XD Don't know if that helps, though.

Xx

Crow

[butterflydreams]

Crow, you're definitely right, those situations where you can imagine yourself having sex shouldn't make you doubt yourself. Not in the least!

Glad to know there's someone who feels very similarly. That helps so much :)

So does this mean that abstract desire for sex is mostly a function of libido? If it goes away when taken care of? I mean, being majorly aroused is the only time I've ever really desired partnered sex, and even then only in an abstract sense. All other times, I guess my opinion would be, "sure, if it's available"

It's so hard when you've spent so, so, so long trying to feel what you don't, and beating yourself up for not feeling it. I think my plan of action now is just to really take good care of myself, and allow myself to be me, even if me isn't who I expected to be (thanks, cultural narratives!)

[Greyt]

It was confusion to me. I always thought that aesthetic attraction was the same thing as sexual attraction at least until I decided to check this place out and I learned about squishes. It was a big eye opener.

[A_Star]

I think what was hardest for me to accept was the realisation that it would be harder to form a lasting relationship with someone.

I'm not someone who is use to making compromises, I'm more use to doing something that would make the people closest to me happy even if it doesn't make me happy.

[mav709]

Wow, yeah, this is a pretty good description of me. I've been dealing with a similar reluctance to identify as gray-A/asexual for a while now, because, like a couple of you have said, I have some amount of desire for sex (in the abstract at least, and possibly in a more concrete form), but I consistently feel like I'm missing some key component that I'm "supposed" to feel in order to be sexual.

What makes me reluctant to definitively identify as asexual is that I do feel romantic attraction but I haven't had enough experiences to know for sure how I feel about sex. Saying "yep, I'm asexual/gray" feels like closing a door, and I imagine it will make it much harder for me to have any more experiences that could shed further light on my orientation (especially as a guy, where I'm expected to be the one taking the initiative in starting relationships).