¿Masturbation defines someone's sexuality? ¿If you masturbate you aren't asexual anymore?

[dw24]

Well, someone I called friend said that asexuals didn't masturbate and if they did they weren't asexuals anymore because masturbation was part of defining someone's sexuality. There was, also, this dude called Miguel who believed that masturbation defined someone sexuality and so if he masturbated, as he were going to do it with a male's hand, he would be gay. I don't think that masturbation defines someone sexuality, but I don't know how to support it as I know there must be a way to support it. I don't think that is only something I think or belief, but something real. Is illogical to consider masturbation when defining someone's sexuality because your sexuality is developed while you grow, but we are all born equipped and ready to have sex of any kind.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

Well firstly, sexual orientation is defined by how you feel, not what you do. A person could act in a way that totally goes against what they 'd prefer to do, and they'd still be whatever orientation matches their thoughts and desires.

I think what your friend is confusing asexuality with is nonlibidoism (no or little libido, so no real urge to masturbate). Asexual people might masturbate, or they might not. They might masturbate with porn content, they might not. What distinguishes asexual people is that they would almost always prefer to satisfy those urges by themselves, instead of with someone else (read: lack of desire for partnered sex)

[eched]

Masturbation is a part of your sex drive. What needs to be pointed out to the people you talk to is asexual does not mean you hate sex or are driven away from sexual activities. It means you aren't sexually attracted to anyone specifically. Now of course this results in a lot of asexual people not liking sex, but it's not the same thing.

You can find an idea a big turn on and be really into a specific concept of sex without finding anyone in the idea 'sexy'. Being turned on by the act itself means you are turned on by the act itself, it's really just that simple. When I masturbate it's about the idea of sex itself, not the people that are in on it. And I have indeed looked into this(I looked up yaoi(guy on guy porn made by women) and I was greatly turned on by that. Have I ever bumped into a good looking guy though? Nope, guys be ugly! As such it was pretty clear that I was into it simply because sex was going on.

[Blinkin]

Ok it's really simple to denie this kind of logic. I know two methods.

1) Just ignore these people, they're not worth a discussion.

2) If masturbation defines a persons sexuality then everyone masturbating would be autosexual.

[dw24]

@Mycroft That sexual orientation definition is very simple and useful. How is it that I never thought about it in that way? I have no clue. Thanks. Though, I never heard of nonlibidoism, I just learned something new, thanks again. I now can actually name what she was referring too.

@eched I really don't think that being sexually attracted and finding someone sexy is the same thing. I can find someone sexy, but not being sexually attracted to them.

@Blinkin I do try to ignore these people, but the urge to make them see how wrong they are is sometimes too strong. You are right about the autosexuals, didn't thought about it in that way either.

[eched]

Finding someone sexy is kind of complex. I know what 'sexy' is supposed to be. I've sure heard about it enough and have had the 'sexy' girl stereotype pushed in my face enough. But I don't find her sexy at all, so yes, I know who the world sees as sexy, but I don't see them as sexy. Some women I do find very cute and pretty attractive, but it's never, ever that Hollywood style 'sexy' girls.

[dw24]

I think I was using sexy with the wrong definition. So, okay, I find people attractive and good looking, but not sexy or sexually attractive. My mistake, sorry. Though, I wouldn't have imagine you liked yaoi xD sorry, can't let that slip

[ChainSmokingBob]

I will support everyone else in saying that this idea is idiotic.

No offense to anyone who disagrees, but damn -- there's no logic behind this. Exercising to build muscle doesn't make you masculine, having long hair doesn't determine a man's gender identity or sexuality --nor short hair on a woman-- and hugging someone of the same gender doesn't make you gay and on and on and on.

Come on, someone might masturbate because it hurts and they believe they deserve the penance. At the end of the day, people can speculate as much as they want and no-one will ever know what anyone else is getting out of anything they do at all.

I can see how there's some attractive simplicity to the idea, especially for people who don't understand, but it's easily dismissed. Don't let it concern you.

____

Defining 'sexy' is always going to be a hard question for many of us. For example, I know I have preferences. I prefer talking to certain types of people, engage better with certain types of people, I like and become attracted to certain types of people and so on but the closest to 'sexy' I can give is the following: someone who literally breathes confidence. It is absolutely captivating, enthralling and hugely endearing. Someone who makes it impossible for me to take my eyes off theirs, someone I feel challenged by in a close situation given the strength of their personality and someone who quite literally compels me into wanting to get to know them more closely.

There has only been one person who's been like this for me, but this is what I would call 'sexy'. Though I still don't want to have sex with them, the term feels quite appropriate.

And just lastly, I certainly don't have to feel like this to be attracted to someone. It's just a different type of attraction to me :)

[dw24]

Your definition of sexy is the one I had in mind but all the pages that 'define' sexy and I found on google define it as "sexually attractive or exciting" or "sexually aroused". Though, I'm more comfortable with your definition because that's the one I had in mine all along as I never saw sexy as sexually attractive, just someone who was very very compelling to me, but which the word compelling wasn't enough and sexual attractive just not correct.

The masturbation issue does bothers me a little when people brings it up because I'm not able to explain that part correctly to them as I had a few doubts myself. I'm still relatively new to all this and so I felt the urge to create a post and see what other people thought about it and people's suggestions. All the answers have being much helping and I even learn a few new things ^_^ I was even able to explain to a friend about something I learn here just recently, the nonlibidoism thing, but I can't refer her to here because she doesn't talk english. Though I do pass her a lot of links for her to read and such.

[Guest]

Your definition of sexy is the one I had in mind but all the pages that 'define' sexy and I found on google define it as "sexually attractive or exciting" or "sexually aroused". Though, I'm more comfortable with your definition because that's the one I had in mine all along as I never saw sexy as sexually attractive, just someone who was very very compelling to me, but which the word compelling wasn't enough and sexual attractive just not correct.

The masturbation issue does bothers me a little when people brings it up because I'm not able to explain that part correctly to them as I had a few doubts myself. I'm still relatively new to all this and so I felt the urge to create a post and see what other people thought about it and people's suggestions. All the answers have being much helping and I even learn a few new things ^_^ I was even able to explain to a friend about something I learn here just recently, the nonlibidoism thing, but I can't refer her to here because she doesn't talk english. Though I do pass her a lot of links for her to read and such.

Hola, and welcome. First of all I hope your friend understands you better. GIve it time. About self pleasure.. I think that it has nothing to do with sexuality. :D

[eched]

I think I was using sexy with the wrong definition. So, okay, I find people attractive and good looking, but not sexy or sexually attractive. My mistake, sorry. Though, I wouldn't have imagine you liked yaoi xD sorry, can't let that slip

Oh Yaoi isn't that bad. I find porn is kind of like video games. If it's specifically made for girls then it gets bad mouthed, which isn't very cool.

Really, I check out a lot of different things. And we're all more then happy to help you out. :)

[Snusmumriken]

No

[kelico]

I think I was using sexy with the wrong definition. So, okay, I find people attractive and good looking, but not sexy or sexually attractive. My mistake, sorry. Though, I wouldn't have imagine you liked yaoi xD sorry, can't let that slip

Oh Yaoi isn't that bad. I find porn is kind of like video games. If it's specifically made for girls then it gets bad mouthed, which isn't very cool.

Really, I check out a lot of different things. And we're all more then happy to help you out. :)

I'm a fellow yaoi fan! ♥ It's basically the only sexual/erotic content that I enjoy. Really enjoy lol. But so you know, not all yaoi is written/created by females, nor is it just for females. I've read several yaoi that's actually by guys! And I've had male friends that enjoy it, too. : ) Nothing wrong with that!

@dw24: I don't masturbate...I feel arousal at times, but the sensation leaves fairly soon without me doing anything about it. Some aces do masturbate, and some don't. Like Mycroft said, it comes down to the feelings and desires, not necessarily the actions. I was confused about this early on in discovering my asexuality, too. And as for the term "sexy." I use it (or "smexy" lol), but when I use it, I obvs don't mean I want to have sex with them...I just think they're very aesthetically attractive. : )

[Artistofnoname]

I don't bother nor do I really even know how. To me personally any such thoughts are quite frankly frivolous at best that can be easily subiliminated .

Course everyone is built differently

[MadRat]

No, I don´t think masturbation can define sexuality. It´s a result of libido, nothing less, nothing more.

[dw24]

Hola, and welcome. First of all I hope your friend understands you better. GIve it time. About self pleasure.. I think that it has nothing to do with sexuality. :D

Yay!! Cake!! :D Well, she wasn't a very close friends anyways and by her saying stuff like that I see that I'm really better without her and thanks.

Oh Yaoi isn't that bad. I find porn is kind of like video games. If it's specifically made for girls then it gets bad mouthed, which isn't very cool.

Really, I check out a lot of different things. And we're all more then happy to help you out. :)

In that you are right, if it is for girls it is bad mouthed. I love yaoi xD I don't know maybe is for the cuteness and romances hahahaha xD and thanks to you and all for wanting to help me out ^_^

I think I was using sexy with the wrong definition. So, okay, I find people attractive and good looking, but not sexy or sexually attractive. My mistake, sorry. Though, I wouldn't have imagine you liked yaoi xD sorry, can't let that slip

Oh Yaoi isn't that bad. I find porn is kind of like video games. If it's specifically made for girls then it gets bad mouthed, which isn't very cool.

Really, I check out a lot of different things. And we're all more then happy to help you out. :)

I'm a fellow yaoi fan! ♥ It's basically the only sexual/erotic content that I enjoy. Really enjoy lol. But so you know, not all yaoi is written/created by females, nor is it just for females. I've read several yaoi that's actually by guys! And I've had male friends that enjoy it, too. : ) Nothing wrong with that!

@dw24: I don't masturbate...I feel arousal at times, but the sensation leaves fairly soon without me doing anything about it. Some aces do masturbate, and some don't. Like Mycroft said, it comes down to the feelings and desires, not necessarily the actions. I was confused about this early on in discovering my asexuality, too. And as for the term "sexy." I use it (or "smexy" lol), but when I use it, I obvs don't mean I want to have sex with them...I just think they're very aesthetically attractive. : )

Yay! Another fellow yaoi fan! We are going to become an army hahahahahaha :D I'm with you. Yaoi is the only erotic content I enjoy, but is more for it's cuteness than for it's porn xD But, yeah, I know that there are men who writes yaoi too and I know there is yaoi directed to men. In fact, the yaoi, I've heard, helps a lot in preventing child pornography in Japan. I also have a few males who enjoy yaoi and are not actually gay like the boyfriend of a very close friend and my ex could see it and didn't disgust him, same with a friend.

I do masturbate, but is mostly when I'm on menstruation. Is very rare the occasion, if it even exist, when I masturbate and I'm not in menstruation. I also use sexy to mean that is aesthetically attractive, that's why it took me by surprise when I went to google to search for the word's meaning and found out that it meant sexually attractive. I was shocked :o like, I never meant that when I used the word in my life. I think I'll start changing sexy for attractive xDDDDD just in case.

BTW, thanks everyone for your answers/replies and, of course, your support :D you are all a big beautiful family and I'm happy to be part of it.

[linz.rasmussen]

Well, someone I called friend said that asexuals didn't masturbate and if they did they weren't asexuals anymore because masturbation was part of defining someone's sexuality. There was, also, this dude called Miguel who believed that masturbation defined someone sexuality and so if he masturbated, as he were going to do it with a male's hand, he would be gay. I don't think that masturbation defines someone sexuality, but I don't know how to support it as I know there must be a way to support it. I don't think that is only something I think or belief, but something real. Is illogical to consider masturbation when defining someone's sexuality because your sexuality is developed while you grow, but we are all born equipped and ready to have sex of any kind.

I'm really trying not to be offended, not only on your behalf, but on behalf of everyone everywhere. Masturbation does NOT mean that someone isn't asexual. It does NOT define sexual orientation, no matter where on the LGBTQQIAAP spectrum you fall. If it did the number of people who would be classified as pan-sexual would skyrocket because 1.) they had fantasies about men/women/transgender people and others belonging to every other identifiable sexual orientation.

I have a libido, a fairly high one. Do I want to go out and have sex with lots of people because of it: NO! The idea of having actual intercourse doesn't interest me at all. All of the things that cause arousal, for me, are mental: things like fiction/porn/etc. Even a mentally stimulating conversation can cause feelings of arousal for people. I may feel an occasional aesthetic attraction to a person but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. People can be beautiful, pretty, or handsome without there being any sexual attraction. There are plenty of asexual people who get aroused. Masturbation can relieve the tension caused by arousal not to mention that there's other health related benefits of masturbation outside of sexual ones.

Masturbation can: 1) Relieve stress, 2) Relieve sexual tension, 3) Help offset insomnia, and 4) Boost metabolism and stimulate the production of endorphins (the brain chemicals that help ease pain and relieve stress)

And if you have no libido/don't masturbate there are other ways to relieve tension outside of masturbation. The idea that it defines sexuality is kind of absurd.

(P.S. I used the entire LGBTQQIAAP alphabet soup. Honestly, I really don't use it to classify myself but others do so I think I got the whole thing covered. If I didn't I apologize.)

[dw24]

I almost choked when I saw the entire name in there of LBT... *sighs and copy/paste* LGBTQQIAAP up there.

I'm still relatively new in the asexual community, but something I've noticed in people is the absence of education about sexualities and sex in general. Our societies treats sex as a taboo and many schools don't teach about it because of the same reason. When I was in school the only meaning they gave to asexuality was the one involving plants. I had to had a boyfriend and talk with my friend about how I didn't wanted to have sex for me to learn what asexual was because my friend told me, who is not even asexual, and yet it took me several months for me to continue reading and researching about to for me understand that yes, I was asexual. I do have a libido, a high one too, and I do masturbate, but I don't want to have sex with anyone. I simply don't.

But anyways, this friend doesn't know I masturbate. She just came up with the whole idea when I told her I was asexual. i don't think I'll ever tell anyone, outside of this community, about it because it takes a lot of time to explain people and for them to understand. Is already hard enough for me to explain how much I despise kids and How much I hate the idea of having one of my own to then add the weight to explain why I don't want to have sex with my future partner or to explain that i"m not the only one but a whole bunch of people who makes from 1 to 5% of the entire Earth's population.

I want to thank all the people who replied to this. Each and every single one of you helped me to organize my ideas to be able to explain this thing clearly and in a way she would understand.

[pma01]

Well, someone I called friend said that asexuals didn't masturbate and if they did they weren't asexuals anymore because masturbation was part of defining someone's sexuality. There was, also, this dude called Miguel who believed that masturbation defined someone sexuality and so if he masturbated, as he were going to do it with a male's hand, he would be gay. I don't think that masturbation defines someone sexuality, but I don't know how to support it as I know there must be a way to support it. I don't think that is only something I think or belief, but something real. Is illogical to consider masturbation when defining someone's sexuality because your sexuality is developed while you grow, but we are all born equipped and ready to have sex of any kind.

I'm really trying not to be offended, not only on your behalf, but on behalf of everyone everywhere. Masturbation does NOT mean that someone isn't asexual. It does NOT define sexual orientation, no matter where on the LGBTQQIAAP spectrum you fall. If it did the number of people who would be classified as pan-sexual would skyrocket because 1.) they had fantasies about men/women/transgender people and others belonging to every other identifiable sexual orientation.

I have a libido, a fairly high one. Do I want to go out and have sex with lots of people because of it: NO! The idea of having actual intercourse doesn't interest me at all. All of the things that cause arousal, for me, are mental: things like fiction/porn/etc. Even a mentally stimulating conversation can cause feelings of arousal for people. I may feel an occasional aesthetic attraction to a person but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. People can be beautiful, pretty, or handsome without there being any sexual attraction. There are plenty of asexual people who get aroused. Masturbation can relieve the tension caused by arousal not to mention that there's other health related benefits of masturbation outside of sexual ones.

Masturbation can: 1) Relieve stress, 2) Relieve sexual tension, 3) Help offset insomnia, and 4) Boost metabolism and stimulate the production of endorphins (the brain chemicals that help ease pain and relieve stress)

And if you have no libido/don't masturbate there are other ways to relieve tension outside of masturbation. The idea that it defines sexuality is kind of absurd.

(P.S. I used the entire LGBTQQIAAP alphabet soup. Honestly, I really don't use it to classify myself but others do so I think I got the whole thing covered. If I didn't I apologize.)

well put i could not agree with you more. i love masturbation, besides all the benefits you stated above. it is absurd to me to say masturbating defines your sexuality. i dont like intercourse it does nothing for me either, to me masturbation takes care of all my sexual needs. masturbation is a sex act just like intercourse is a sex act