Feeling Unwanted

[Finding_Zuul]

Possibly TMI

Hi,

I'm a sexual in a mixed relationship with an asexual guy. We have had sex in the past before we knew he was asexual, though it was pretty evident to me then that something was different about him.

About a month or so ago, we discovered that he's asexual. He said that, even though he was asexual, he'd still be willing to have sex with me to suit my needs.

We haven't had sex since his discovery. This is because I haven't wanted to. I'm fiercely attracted to him sexually and otherwise, but every time I think about that, I retreat into myself in an attempt at self preservation. I don't think I want to have sex with him ever again. I can't fathom having sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with me.

This has caused me immense pain. I feel just too vulnerable right now to take him up on his offer of continuing to have sex. I'm not confident that feeling will ever go away. I feel unwanted and a deep sadness due to unrequited passion. I don't know how to overcome this. I need some serious help from the AVEN community on this one.

Does anyone else feel this way or have any advice for my situation?

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

[Philip027]

From my understanding, there's more than one way to desire these sorts of things. What I often hear talked about here are two particular kinds of sexual desire: one is more intrinsic, and relates more to an actual desire for the self and what it wants; the other is more extrinsic, and relates more to the desire to please a loved one -- basically, they desire to make a loved one happy because it makes them happy.

A number of aces lack the former. That doesn't necessarily mean that they lack the latter. This might be the area your partner falls in.

Based on your previous posts you are most likely already communicating with your partner about this subject, but if you are unsure about how he feels, I would try to get an answer regarding this particular area as well.

Good luck~

[Guest]

The only advice I can give is try to think of it in terms of he isn't doing it out innate desire for sex, but he is doing it out of love for you. So, he does desire YOU, just not your body in that way. But, he desires your happiness, so he may even enjoy sex to some degree. Some of us can enjoy it either physically, or emotionally. Talk with him about his feelings on the matter and see if you can maybe relate to any of his desires towards that (even if it's just a desire to please a loved one).

For some people that is enough, for others it isn't. It's OK if it isn't, but he can't give you that innate desire/attraction that another sexual could, so if that is something you need, you may have to figure out either how to get it elsewhere, or separate.

[Valar Morghulis]

Mmm yeah I get what you are saying. I would feel the same if I were in your position. When you desire something passionately and the other one is going thourgh the motions it really doesnt compare to having a partner that wants the same as you.

I wouldnt date a sexual to be honest, I think it would be frustrating for them and for me. But the only one that can figure it out is you, at the end of the day if you can get the sex without feeling bad about it or not ...Sorry about this comparison but its like going to the movies to see a star trek movie with a trekkie or with someone that just want to go with you to be with you, I rather the trekkie no seconds thoughts lol

Good luck to you.

[Jarndyce]

As an asexual chap myself, I can imagine having sex with a partner, not as a result of sexual attraction towards her, but as an expression of love.

I think it may be only part of the equation for you to be aware that your partner does not feel sexual attraction. Perhaps if you take the term 'making love' more literally it may turn out that he does deeply want you, as he wants to express love for you. It is a different facet to the gem, but said gem may shine all the clearer for it.

[Touchofinsight]

Possibly TMI

Hi,

I'm a sexual in a mixed relationship with an asexual guy. We have had sex in the past before we knew he was asexual, though it was pretty evident to me then that something was different about him.

About a month or so ago, we discovered that he's asexual. He said that, even though he was asexual, he'd still be willing to have sex with me to suit my needs.

We haven't had sex since his discovery. This is because I haven't wanted to. I'm fiercely attracted to him sexually and otherwise, but every time I think about that, I retreat into myself in an attempt at self preservation. I don't think I want to have sex with him ever again. I can't fathom having sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with me.

This has caused me immense pain. I feel just too vulnerable right now to take him up on his offer of continuing to have sex. I'm not confident that feeling will ever go away. I feel unwanted and a deep sadness due to unrequited passion. I don't know how to overcome this. I need some serious help from the AVEN community on this one.

Does anyone else feel this way or have any advice for my situation?

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

The problem here is that you two are incompatible sexually. He can't fake passion or desire to make you feel better about sex.

So you have to ask your self how important is sex to you in this relationship.

Can you still enjoy and want to be in this relationship without a significant positive sexual component? If not then you should end it but answering this question requires that you can be sincere and honest with your self about the reality of this question. Take some time to think about it.

Best of luck

Touch!

[Finding_Zuul]

UPDATE:

This may seem like a weird way for me to get self esteem back, but here it goes. He always says he likes having sex with me but for different reasons than I like having sex with him. SO I asked him- do you prefer having sex with me to, say, watching a movie? He said he did. And somehow, that made me feel better about it. I guess in my mind, he's just begrudgingly going along with my whims, when in reality, he gets something out of it too. It'll just take a lot of time and patience for me to understand what that is.

Thanks for all of the advice guys! Keep it coming!

Finding Zuul

[UnicornGirl]

Possibly TMI

Hi,

I'm a sexual in a mixed relationship with an asexual guy. We have had sex in the past before we knew he was asexual, though it was pretty evident to me then that something was different about him.

About a month or so ago, we discovered that he's asexual. He said that, even though he was asexual, he'd still be willing to have sex with me to suit my needs.

We haven't had sex since his discovery. This is because I haven't wanted to. I'm fiercely attracted to him sexually and otherwise, but every time I think about that, I retreat into myself in an attempt at self preservation. I don't think I want to have sex with him ever again. I can't fathom having sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with me.

This has caused me immense pain. I feel just too vulnerable right now to take him up on his offer of continuing to have sex. I'm not confident that feeling will ever go away. I feel unwanted and a deep sadness due to unrequited passion. I don't know how to overcome this. I need some serious help from the AVEN community on this one.

Does anyone else feel this way or have any advice for my situation?

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

I feel the same, well , you situation is better than mine, he talks to you about it

[Martin de V]

Hey, look, I remembered my password and everything....

Okay, the trick is to keep talking to each other. He's already demonstrated that he's willing to have sex with you to meet your needs. I'm in a decidedly mixed marriage, so trust me when I tell you: That's freakin' huge. It's clearly not that he doesn't love and care about you, or I don't think he'd have made that offer.

And you've gotten some of your self-esteem back, I see, which is also huge. But no matter how much of that you get back: Do not stop talking to each other about it. It's got to be fairly constant. Jo and I haven't been talking lately, but she's still getting over some health issues so I'm not particularly worried. But I do need to start bringing things up again so that when she's feeling better, I don't lose ground from where I was.

So keep talking to your boyfriend. Don't stop. Be willing to have a little less sex, if you need to, to help him be comfortable with the notion that he's probably having more sex than he'd rather have. It sounds to me like you've already got a compromise worked out, or at least in the making, and that puts you so far ahead of the curve I can't tell ya.

[Finding_Zuul]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I suppose I have some outstanding concerns... does this feeling of having "cooties" ever go away? On one level, I know his lack of physical attraction for me is for everyone, but it's still hard not to take it personally. Is there anything I can do to feel desired?

Thanks as always,

FZ

[Lady Girl]

Personally, I try to remember that my husband is attracted to me...on a romantic, aesthetic, intellectual, and emotional level. It really is a lack of interest in sex for him, otherwise it's pretty much all the same. I do all the usual stuff that I would have done in any relationship, I just don't have sex as much as some other couples. When we were having sex, I knew it was because he loved me...I couldn't feel too bad about that.

[Lorax222]

My partner and I engage with each other in a lot of ways other than sex...we have all of these goofy cuddling and kissing games, like "kiss like animals," and get our needs for touch met without having sex. My sex drive is still present, but a lot lower, when we have a lot of physical touch. There is another woman who I have a sexual relationship with. We see each other about once a week and I rarely spend the night with her. It was a little rocky at first but it works out well. :)

[Down in Texas]

I have not been on in a while and I will tell you MY feelings and only mine. You and only you can know just how strongly your need for sex and your desire for mutual sexual passion is and to what degree of importance it is in your relationship. Yes they are two completely different thing and for Me hold definite different feelings. Depending on how strongly you need that emotional connection, this is something no one can tell you. It is something only you can know. Your expectations and your level of what you except in your relationship can only be answered by YOU.

A little about ME ( and Some on here always say I am bitter and unforgiving) I will preference this with a firm I Am Not Angry nor bitter and after finding and learning there is Nothing to forgive.

For my husband he is perfectly happy and content in our marriage and the outside world sees NONE of my discontent, having said that I would suggest you think very hard if what you have now is enough or not. In My case after a number of years things began to change. It was after this change started that I began to search for answers. We had been married for over 38 years before I learned about asexuality and having found it changed so many things for ME! At first I was hurt, then I was mad now I understand. Understanding does not change all of the years of struggles that we have been through but it now explains why things happened the way they did. Looking back if I had known going in to a relationship just how uncompatable we were or would grow to be I would not have entered into a Lifelong commitment.

I can again only speak for myself but having found that there was no Hope for change My world changed forever. After many heart to heart talks things came out that my husband had been hiding from me from the start. Things that hurt and that I have trouble getting past. The most hurtful was learning that while I was waiting patiently for him to come to bed, just days after we were married, so that we could have sex he was masturbating then came to bed and told me we could not have sex as often as I was wanting it because he would run out of sperm. We were young, it was a different time when sex was not as openly talked about and I believed him for a while. However things never really got any better. I was always the one to initiate sex and for years that was enough even thought it was not what I had expected. It started to go down hill when he began to reject my advances and turn away or take my hand and stop me. We had been married for about 20 years and now had four children. I had still not learned of asexuality.

Sex is no longer what it use to be. He now has ED in OUR situation I believe it comes from his asexuality. I am not saying ALL Asexuals will end up with ED however in OUR situation I firmly believe it is a strong contributing factor. For My husband each sexual union must start and stand on its own! After all these years he has no place in his memory that he has assigned the pleasure of us having had sex since each must start with no enjoyment or memory of the one before, for him, it makes having sex with me more of a chore ( something he needs to do) than a pleasure!

Yes it CAN work but it takes determination, understanding and a lot of patence. And no I did not forget LOVE but it is a different kind of LOVE than the one I expected when I married. It is a Love that has grown out of time and history. However it Never found its deep roots in passion.

Therefore I am different than some on here. If you have a child together then give it your best shot at making life good for All, if this relationship does not have that connection then THINK LONG AND HARD! Know what YOU need and if you can find that without the kind of sex you expected then go forward. It is MY belief that if you were happy in your relationship you would not be on this site asking what you are! You came here looking for honesty and that is what I hope to be able to give you from MY life experience with my asexual partner.

[lissi]

My advice is to focus on your partner's actions and not what he says. Does he suggest bed or does he suggest a movie? Watch out for him saying what he thinks you want to hear.

[HanBanan]

As an asexual girl who thought it was perfectly normal for a girl to never want sex, I'm still getting used to reality. There are a few things I can contribute, however, about feeling desirable:

1. The fact that he is not sexually attracted to anyone does not mean that he cannot find you beautiful, pretty, stunning, etc. I would encourage you to keep taking pride in your appearance, in more of a waterfall-type (aka natural) beauty than a sexual appeal. What I mean is, it is quite likely that he finds you gorgeous; asexuality just means that finding you stunningly beautiful doesn't make him want to have sex with you.

2. Maybe it's that I'm asexual, but having a guy appreciate me in ways other than my physical beauty (yes, I've heard "pretty" or "hot" a thousand times; no, it doesn't make me feel good) makes me feel valuable in an entirely different way. You are valued because you have a personality that is charming to him. You have a beautiful soul (and probably a beautiful face, as well :) ), and he is attracted to your intelligence, the way you speak, the way you think, et cetera. He loves you for the person you are underneath your skin. I hope that knowing this makes you feel better.

I suppose I don't understand wanting to feel sexually attractive, as being called sexy is interpreted as a threat in my mind, but I hope that you have peace in knowing that he prizes you for so much more than your appearance, and that many guys would not--not because you aren't an amazing person, but because many guys (and girls also) are quite shallow.