Is it worth asking a LGBTQA group about support for asexuality?

[EmotionalAndroid]

For many reasons, I think it would be very beneficial for me to meet people in my area who are asexual like me. There is a local LGBTQA group, but I think the "A" in it means "allies." I considered going in and asking them about it, but I am not sure I want to have to explain it or anything if they don't know what I am talking about. Being very sex-repulsed and conservative, I am afraid of seeing all the "sex-positive" stuff that they may have. Also, I have not come out to anyone yet, so I am afraid people might see me go in and start to wonder.

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone has experience with LGBTQA groups. I know each is different, obviously, but are they helpful? Are there any other asexuals in these groups, generally? How do you reach out to asexuals in your area?

[Chewy]

The Ace community are supposed to have better dialog with the LGBT community http://youtu.be/QE1hncdAhZQ?list=PL1X0hB5k-Nx67hZGUTz-L-3KGfBwH5GwU

At my work there is a GABTA group and they also says that A is for "Allies" that includes all. No luck on changing their minds there.

[henshin]

Well a lot of LGBTQA groups have the Q stand for queer and questioning, and the A for ally and asexual, so they might be more enlightened than you think.

I've generally found the LGBT+ community very supportive (even though I'm homoromantic so it might be different for you) and accepting, and as well full of people who embrace critical analysis of society from feminist and queer perspectives which means being sex positive without shaming non-sexual people, being enthusiastic about consent, celebrating diversity, and understanding different ways of being. So yeah, I would say its definitely worth going. Try not to worry too much bout who might see you go in and so on, its ok to be scared of stuff like that but that doesn't have to stop you.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Thanks for your insights, henshin and Chewy!

I guess I won't know unless I try going in. I just have to get over my anxiety about talking to them.

[Guest]

You can email them anonymously to ask, if you are worried about talking to them in person.

One thing to remember when approaching the LGBT community: Many of them accept us and many groups do offer support for asexuals. But, every group is different. And it's up to them if they accept us or not, we can't force entry.

Also, an important part of the LGBT support community is to help people embrace their sexuality. Now, that doesn't mean every meeting is about sex - but many groups do have specific meetings where they may exclude certain people (such as heterosexual allies, or anyone that might make it uncomfortable) to create a safe space to discuss things.

Many people within the LGBT community are willing to support us though and much of the overly sexual stuff we see in media is an exaggeration. So, it's worth exploring.

[SunlightOnTheGarden]

Personally my university lot are awesome, and really good at including asexual people (we even have an ace coordinator!). But more broadly, I find LGBTQ communities a lot less sexually forceful than hetero-normative ones (I know, sounds odd, but so true), and much more accepting. Plus being around women who don't hit on you is so refreshing...

[biace_inyourface]

It definitely depends on the group. I would reccommend talking to someone who heads the group and ask what their planned discussion topics are and how their meetings normally go. That way you can avoid any sexual topics that might make you uncomfortable.

I totally understand feeling iffy about finding support at LGBT groups. Being bi myself, I've never really felt fully accepted in most LGBT communities. Almost like they were just humoring me. But yeah, every group is different. I wish you the best of luck!

[Wild Seven]

Basically what people above me have said.

I've found that groups that use 'A' meaning 'allies' instead of 'asexuals' are no good for being very respectful and *supportive* toward people that aren't L/G and cis and sexual, basically, so it may be bit tough to find a good one. (Also 'ally' spaces generally tend to make things about 'ally' needs and activities while ignoring the needs of people those groups are primarily intended *for*).

So basically yeah, I'm skeptical about this, but I wish you the best of luck in looking.

[Kanenas]

I am not in contact with a local group, but fellow LGBT members have given me worse reactions than the average random heteronormative person. I highly doubt that will ever change, though it hurts me to say so.

[EmotionalAndroid]

I am not in contact with a local LGBT group, but fellow members have given me worse reactions than the average random heteronormative person. I highly doubt that will ever change.

Wow, really? I am sorry to hear that. I would think they would be more understanding.

[Artistofnoname]

Personally I would rather not get mixed in with them. They have a much different agenda then we do and we need to keep out of they're ventures. Especially where they make trouble for others.

[Arethusa]

I think it absolutely is. I mean, the worst that can happen is that you'll broaden their minds somewhat, if they've never heard of asexuality before. Having been to a few LBGTQ meets already, I can tell you that the people there won't only care about sex. I mean, most will probably be sexual, but, just like talking to any sexual people, you are free to talk about sex as much or as little as you want to, and I can guarantee that sex won't be the only thing everyone there is interested in. In fact, given that it's still early days for asexual visibility and awareness as a self-sufficient movement/cause, I'd be willing to bet that the proportion of asexuals attending the LGBTQ group will be higher than in the general population, simply because that's the natural space for us to occupy in most places without regular ace meetups. Finally, never underestimate the change that you yourself can bring about by joining the local LGBTQ group and becoming an advocate for asexual visibility and education: the numbers being what they are, it strikes me that we should take the initiative to do so whenever we can.

[Certified Cake Decorator]

I think that you should go, so then the next asexual that goes can meet you! If that makes sense.

For example, i saw that there was no LGBT group at my college campus so i, an asexual aromantic, started one! So we definitely include aces!

Just contact the leader/president or maybe even the advisor and let them know you are coming. You dont have to say you are ace even. Sometimes the people you meet in the group have more open views than the whole group, so you could make awesome friends even if the whole group says A is for Allies.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Thus far I have emailed them anonymously and am waiting for a reply.

After doing some more research on this, I am very surprised to see that having asexuals involved in the LGBQTA organization is actually a hotly debated topic. I would think that such a group would very very welcoming to anyone, as that seems to be their goal. It is weird that sometimes asexuals are considered not to belong, either by the organization or by asexuals themselves.

I've also seen reports of people not wanting to be "labeled" when associated with these groups. But we all sort of label ourselves as asexual and are more or less proud of who we are. What does this "label" they refer to mean? Is it just an attempt to avoid stigma? I've also heard that some asexuals think joining a LGBQT group will make things worse. Why is that?

Sorry if these are dumb questions. I am just really curious, especially if I am going to be inquiring to this club. I want to know what I am getting into, especially the associated stigmas and perceptions.

[SunlightOnTheGarden]

I think it really depends on the group. Some are really accepting. Others are less so. The way I see it is that it's ok for an asexual person to say that they personally don't identify that way, but it's not ok for LGBTQ groups to deny membership.

There's a lot of quite old stuff online that isn't pro asexuality being LGBTQ. But generally it's individuals and isolated cases - organisations tend to be more open. I think there's an internet radio thing that did a bit on asexuals not being LGBTQ, but they then got so many complaints they had to actually do research and have a follow up program on how it was LGBTQ. I'd say that's fairly indicative - opinions are changing, slowly.

There's also a distinction between labeling and avoiding stigma. There are people who are of the view that labels are not useful for identifying sexuality. There are other people who would say that we shouldn't be LGBTQ because it would bring us their problems, and those are problems that we don't share. Though I disagree with the latter personally, if it's the view of an asexual person it's their right to hold that view and define themselves as they see fit.

That's probably all rubbish, so listen to what other people say! But that's the view from where I'm sitting :)

[EmotionalAndroid]

There are other people who would say that we shouldn't be LGBTQ because it would bring us their problems, and those are problems that we don't share. Though I disagree with the latter personally, if it's the view of an asexual person it's their right to hold that view and define themselves as they see fit.

Their problems? As in legal marriage issues? Or something else?

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I am not in contact with a local LGBT group, but fellow members have given me worse reactions than the average random heteronormative person. I highly doubt that will ever change.

Wow, really? I am sorry to hear that. I would think they would be more understanding.

That was my experience, too, especially when the other "A" ( A for Androgyny) was almost treated like the Scarlet Letter. It almost seemed like it was thought that, taken together, Androgyny and Asexuality, negated sexuality and gender. Like one was a chameleon not to be trusted.

I'm sorry to have to say that, but what else can one say when groups don't seem to welcome your participation? Like your very mere presence was somehow 'corrupting' the brand or franchise. And it really, really hurt, too, because I was in desperate need of a more understanding and accepting culture in which to fit. Like Kanenas, I found more empathy from heterosexual culture. In my case specifically, heterosexual women and felt like I at least partially fit into the social circle?

[henshin]

Personally I would rather not get mixed in with them. They have a much different agenda then we do and we need to keep out of they're ventures. Especially where they make trouble for others.

Woah woah woah. Firstly {redacted} with this 'agenda' nonsense, LGBT people don't have an 'agenda' other than trying to live their lives with the same rights and respect everyone else is afforded so don't insinuate we're trying to gay your babies up and destroy heterosexual marriage or whatever the fuck it is you're suggesting - also not sure what 'ventures' you're talking about? LGBT helplines? Suicide prevention? Gay bars?

And when exactly do we make 'trouble' for others? You mean when we're protesting about ill treatment or asking for basic human rights or legal protection so we can't be fired just for being gay?

Please shut {redacted} up and take your vile homophobic rhetoric somewhere else.

There are other people who would say that we shouldn't be LGBTQ because it would bring us their problems, and those are problems that we don't share. Though I disagree with the latter personally, if it's the view of an asexual person it's their right to hold that view and define themselves as they see fit.

Their problems? As in legal marriage issues? Or something else?

By problems they mean presumably things light street violence, homophobic slurs and bullying, lack of legal protections, exclusion from certain organisations or from doing certain things, etc etc.

Not sure how LGBT people would bring those problems to other people though as none of them are caused by LGBT people but by the cis hetero bigots who run the place. If you mean by allying with LGBT people asexuals will tar themselves with the gay brush then fuck yes, come join us and see how shit it can be and then stand up with us to fight for a better world!

p.s. sorry for the swearing mods, I get angry about people using tired homophobic stereotypes. If you don't want to be in the LGBTQA crowd then just don't you don't have to insult us

Edited October 20, 2014 by byanyothername
edited out the swearing

[deleted_account]

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[Rabger]

Well I'm gay, so I was at home in the community anyway. But I did explain asexuality and even held a few presentations on it at our community center and the majority of people were supportive.

[Artistofnoname]

Personally I would rather not get mixed in with them. They have a much different agenda then we do and we need to keep out of they're ventures. Especially where they make trouble for others.

Woah woah woah. Firstly {redacted} with this 'agenda' nonsense, LGBT people don't have an 'agenda' other than trying to live their lives with the same rights and respect everyone else is afforded so don't insinuate we're trying to gay your babies up and destroy heterosexual marriage or whatever the fuck it is you're suggesting - also not sure what 'ventures' you're talking about? LGBT helplines? Suicide prevention? Gay bars?

And when exactly do we make 'trouble' for others? You mean when we're protesting about ill treatment or asking for basic human rights or legal protection so we can't be fired just for being gay?

Please shut {redacted} up and take your vile homophobic rhetoric somewhere else.

There are other people who would say that we shouldn't be LGBTQ because it would bring us their problems, and those are problems that we don't share. Though I disagree with the latter personally, if it's the view of an asexual person it's their right to hold that view and define themselves as they see fit.

Their problems? As in legal marriage issues? Or something else?

By problems they mean presumably things light street violence, homophobic slurs and bullying, lack of legal protections, exclusion from certain organisations or from doing certain things, etc etc.

Not sure how LGBT people would bring those problems to other people though as none of them are caused by LGBT people but by the cis hetero bigots who run the place. If you mean by allying with LGBT people asexuals will tar themselves with the gay brush then fuck yes, come join us and see how shit it can be and then stand up with us to fight for a better world!

p.s. sorry for the swearing mods, I get angry about people using tired homophobic stereotypes. If you don't want to be in the LGBTQA crowd then just don't you don't have to insult us

Having a differing opinion was not an excuse for rudeness. I have just as much right to my opinion as you do yours. Throwing around f-bombs is not the way to go.

Let me state for the record that I don't agree with that lifestyle nor can I as a Christian endorse it. However I believe that everyone deserves basic human rights just like everyone else. I am not homophobic in the least that is just something many of them use to attack people with a different opinion.

The issues I am referring to are when they attack people for not agreeing or use being gay as a way to gain something. Like that waitress in New Jersey who despite receiving an $18 tip wrote a fake note on her receipt saying she wasn't tipped for being gay.

Busting into churches and disrupting services. Ganging up on others when they won't do what they tell them to because they are sticking by they're convictions in a respectful non-hateful manner. This is the kind of stuff I am talking about.

I don't think doing these things helps you at all wouldn't you agree?

I myself am an ordained Christian minister and one day I might be approached to conduct a same-sex wedding, if that is the case then I have to say no because it goes against the Christian doctrine. I would just politely explain that and tell them why I can't do so. The outcome I'd hope for is that we would respect one another's boundaries and they would find someone else with no harm done. Worse case I will get death threats and have to be concerned for my family being thrown in the middle of it.

Can you understand that?

I however don't have a problem with homosexuals that are just trying to live they're lives as the rest of us are and can respect themselves and others around them. I wouldn't want them getting fired from a job just for being gay especially if they are doing they're job well. They already have these basic rights plus extra what more could you want? Heck the courts give many of them special treatment. I have seen and commended many of them for being tolerant and respectful of others and in turn themselves.

I would also never want any one to hurt themselves or be bullied for who they are. I myself was bullied and know what that feels like.lt saddens me when they commit suicide just as much as anyone else. We are all humans and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

People must choose they're own paths in life for right or for wrong.

Next time I would suggest you ask politely that I elaborate what I mean. Easy enough...?

Edited October 20, 2014 by byanyothername
edited swearing in quote

[Guest]

I joined an LGBT group and came out as asexy and they were really awesome about it.

I'd go for it. We've been marching in Pride Parades and a lot of us are dealing with LGBT issues too (e.g. I guess I'm polyromantic and my partner is open about being not cisgender). I've found that many LGBT people are really awesome allies.

[RoswellValentine]

You know, if you go in with the attitude that you won't fit in, chances are you'll make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have a good attitude. Accept them for who they are and be nice, and chances are they'll be nice to you. Most people are like that. I think it's good to be an ally to the GLBT community even if you're not GLBT yourself, because there is some strength in numbers with regards to sexual minorities. You might make some new friends, especially if you like music and television and aren't a raging homophobe. It can be a bit uncomfortable in gay spaces if you're sex-repulsive, in my opinion, because it may sometimes involve frank discussion about sexuality. However, each group will differ, and if you have a thick skin and a sense of humor, you should be just fine.

Attitude is definitely a major factor. Like mathbrat said, be accepting of others. If someone tries to bog down meetings, ignore them, and if it worsens over time, let someone in charge know.

I've only ever had experience with a Gay-Straight Alliance in my senior year of high school, but they were accepting of everyone there. The only member with attitude problems was a gay freshman who had the "I'm part of a minority, therefore everyone is against me and I can be against them" mentality, along with saying certain sexualities don't exist. Like I said, if anyone disagrees with another person's identity, try not to take it too hard and notify someone if it escalates.

[EmotionalAndroid]

So I emailed them again last night and got a reply this morning. They said they don't have a special support group for asexuals, but they are supportive in general and are planning on doing some education events for Asexual Awareness Week! It sounds like they are a pretty nice group.

I have wanted to do something for AAW....maybe I should stop by and see if I can help them out. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I haven't told anyone about my asexuality. If my family found out I was volunteering with a LGBTQA group, they might feel I was trying to deceive them. Also, I am afraid of being targeted by coming out/associating with this group. Does anyone else fear this?

Edit: Oh.... So I just looked at this group's Facbook page. At first I was excited because I saw they had some posts about asexuality...then I saw they posted this article. It sounds like it's calling all of us liars, and that "young people" have no right to use the label "Asexual." What the heck? :|

[RoswellValentine]

I have wanted to do something for AAW....maybe I should stop by and see if I can help them out. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I haven't told anyone about my asexuality. If my family found out I was volunteering with a LGBTQA group, they might feel I was trying to deceive them. Also, I am afraid of being targeted by coming out/associating with this group. Does anyone else fear this?

Edit: Oh.... So I just looked at this group's Facbook page. At first I was excited because I saw they had some posts about asexuality...then I saw they posted this article. It sounds like it's calling all of us liars, and that "young people" have no right to use the label "Asexual." What the heck? :|

When I joined my high school's Gay-Straight Alliance, my parents were fine with it, though a few times my mom gave me an odd look. The fear of being targeted by coming out and/or associating with certain groups is very real, and it's why I'm still in the closet about being non-binary.

If a group says they're accepting of everyone and then turns around saying "We support everyone, but groups A, B, and C don't need us", then that isn't much better than them outright saying "X, Y, Z not allowed." One group that came to mind is FCKH8, which is for-profit and claims to be supportive, but steps all over certain identities such as asexuals. I've also seen posts against them saying that they quote Tumblr user's posts without their permission, and sometimes the quote has nothing to do with sexuality whatsoever.

[WünderBâhr]

It's a bit late in the game, and my apologies for the delay, but I wanted to post a "play nice" reminder for everyone in the thread. Out of respect for the OP and participants, let's keep posts civil. If you feel a member has posted inappropriate content, you can PM myself/another Admod or utilize the report feature. Thank you. :)

Asexual Q&A Mod

Byanyothername