Asexuality as a result of trauma [trigger/tmi warning]

[rad-hedgehog]

THIS POST DISCUSSES SEXUAL ABUSE

This is a difficult, long story so I'm just gonna try to be short about it

I was severely sexually abused from around the ages of 5 to 10 and repressed all memory of it until it all flooded back at age 13. I took great measures to repress all sexual impulses, sexual emotions, and physical desires. I never remember experiencing sexual and physical desire or any type of lust. As another result of the trauma, I developed social phobia, OCD, and depression with self-abusive tendencies. Thankfully, I've opened up to my psychologist about the trauma and he's been very helpful in tailoring my treatments to aid in my recovery.

As soon as I heard about asexuality I was sure I fit in with the definition. But there are so many different types of ace. Many were born asexual, some changed over time, and some, like me, are asexual as a result of trauma.

I currently am in a very committed relationship with someone that I trust very much. My asexuality has always been made clear to him, and he is polite and understanding, never crossing the line. As our relationship has blossomed, I've changed from someone who had panic attacks because snuggling was too close, to someone who may even be developing a sex drive. Sexual contact has slowly become more enjoyable, to the point that I sometimes even want it. Things that were once boring to me are now exhilarating. I still have never reached orgasm, but perhaps one day that may be possible.

So in conclusion: if any of you are asexual because of trauma, but have noticed budding sexuality as a result of the healing process, I'd love your opinions and advice.

[Palovana]

Eh...asexuality isn't caused by sexual abuse or anything else. If you're asexual, you're born that way. It's not like some event, no matter how severe, can change your orientation. This idea is propagated by the medical community, and it's very offensive. That's like saying a straight woman who was sexually abused by a male partner can no longer be straight, that the event "caused" her to become a lesbian. That's absurd.

Asexual people don't feel any desire or want to be with someone sexually, as in, they don't see someone and get turned on by them or want to touch them sexually or anything. I can't imagine wanting to do that with anyone. I've never had any feelings like that toward anyone, no matter how beautiful they are (and believe me, I find certain men very, very nice to look at, but I'd never want to have any sexual contact with them. The thought of doing something like that is just...ugh. Ew, no.)

From what I understand, sexual (or asexual) orientations are quite firmly ingrained. Straight people know they are straight. Gay people usually know from a relatively young age (early teens) that they're different from their straight friends. Of course, there are orientations that exist that are ambiguous, such as people who are questioning, but all the asexuals I've spoken with on here have never really had any sexual feelings for anyone, of any gender, not even a little (except greys). It's like straight men when they look at other men, I guess...it's just looking at a person, and while straight men can think other men look good or think they have good style or whatever, their appreciation of how a person looks doesn't cross into wanting to be with them sexually...

Can you provide a link to somewhere where you may have read that asexuality is caused by trauma? That information is very questionable to me...

[sexnointerest]

I'm so glad you posted this, because I've been thinking the same thing over the past few days. I too experienced childhood trauma and I've never been interested in sex. I'm confused about whether I'm really asexual - sex has never interested me and I believe trauma was a factor, if not the cause. I really don't know. I plan to talk to my therapist about it but at this point, I still have no interest.

I'll follow this thread with interest.

[argar]

I can sympathize with what you have gone through, and I am glad you are in a better place right now. I also understand what Phoenix Incarnate is saying, and respect her point as well.

I've been gray a all my life. I find the idea of people kissing and having children odd. I respect the fact people do this, but I find it odd. Growing up, as I went through puberty, I had a libido it was just not directed towards anyone. I never had the notion that I needed to touch someone. I was curious about sex, but didn't really have the drive to do anything physical about it. One day a neighbor kid took advantage of me, and that lead to more confusion about sex. Being gray I didn't feel the same thing my peers did, but I also did have a sense of shame that came with the idea of sex. I purposefully avoided thinking about sex because it didn't make me feel good. It wasn't until I went to school outside of my hometown and ran into my abuser that my confusion turned into anger. For a long time I hated anything that had to do with sex. I hated the people around me that sex, or talked about sex. It took me a long time to make peace with things.

I recently came to terms with something painful in my past. I fell in love once, but the person at the time was going through her own sexual awakening, I didn't realize at the time I was going through one as well. She discovered she was a lesbian, at the time I didn't realize I was gray a. I think back to the times she tried to seduce me, but I just didn't get it. After that relationship ended, I went through a really deep depression. I got over it, and tried to have new relationships, it just never felt right. It wasn't until I came across the idea of asexuality that understanding dawned on me. Further research helped me realize I was a gray asexual. I think the reason we got along so well was that I was not interested in her physically, and in some ways she felt the same.

I can understand being sexually repressed because of something painful in your past. I went through the same kind of repression, but for me it was more painful memories than any feelings of wanting to have sex. I was born asexual, and I was sexually abused, but being the first didn't preclude the second. I can tell you that in my life the reverse is not true. Sexual abuse did not turn me asexual. In some ways I think being asexual made it easier to be taken advantage, at least in my case. I was curious about this thing everybody felt except me. I can remember feeling isolated because of it, having people call me childish, and I can see how I was manipulated into something I wouldn't; have done if I was sexual maybe. I don't know.

These are my thoughts on this subject.

Have a beautiful day.

[Kanenas]

First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through that. You have the right to identify as anything you like. But please take a moment and think about what you said. If you said you are a lesbian now because you were abused, everybody who's not straight would probably verbally attack you and nearly everybody who is indeed straight would think "Oh yeah, right, that's how lesbians are made, after all". I know you mean absolutely no harm, but such comments invalidate the health and validity of sexual orientations and let people think they can get away with denying our nature, insisting it is nurture. If you knew the amount of times people looked me in the eyes and firmly told me I "turned" lesbian because of abuse...

Like Phoenix said, asexuality cannot be caused. A disease can be caused and healed, (lack of) sexual orientation cannot and should not be. For most people, their sexuality seems to be fixed, others describe theirs as fluent. I understand that people are different and have those experiences, even if I never made them. We are all wired in different ways. Think of it as genetic or neurological, fixed or fluent for yourself, if you like. I've seen many members of the AVEN who unfortunately also were violated in one form or another and I am sure that they would not like their asexuality to be linked or even reduced to abuse or trauma, either. Also, your libido has nothing to do with your orientation.

[henshin]

I'm terribly sorry that you had to go through such an experience and I can well imagine that, building up trust in an intimate relationship will lead to budding sexual feelings if those are things you've been repressing and avoiding for a long time.

I do agree with what others have said in that to me asexuality is neither caused by abuse nor the result of repressed feelings, however you are of course more than welcome to identify as asexual and if being part of this community has given you even the slightest bit of comfort, reassurance or pleasure then that is incredibly important nonetheless.

[Heart]

I am so glad to hear that you are healing. I cannot tell you how much joy it brings me to read that you have a wonderful, understanding partner who has managed to provide you a nurturing and pressure-free environment. It warms my heart.

On the topic of asexuality, I would almost suggest looking into the definition of demisexual. I am surprised that this hasn't come up yet, to be honest. A demisexual is effectively asexual for the most part, and demis often identify as asexual for a while before switching labels. However, demisexuals can develop a sexual attraction to someone when they are in a deep emotional bond. It sounds like, as your relationship progresses, your partner is earning your trust and emotional bond, and that is starting to create that sexual attraction. Do you think maybe demi is a good way to describe your new-found sexual tendencies with him? Demis often describe not being attracted to anyone other than their partners, and even then, only finding the attraction after some time into the relationship.

Ultimately, you should adopt whatever label you feel best in. And you know what? It sounds like you are in an important healing process, and if you can't figure out a label right this instance or feel that labels are becoming stressful, then you are also free to not label yourself. No matter what label or lack thereof, you are always welcome here.

[Astrochelonian]

I'm sorry you went through that and I'm glad you are doing better.

If an asexual is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction and anyone wants to label themselves as such, I don't think the "why" is all that important. While the majority opinion on this site is that asexuality is inborn, I don't think that is necessarily true in all cases, and there is certainly no scientific consensus. (Personally I think my life experiences and choices had just as much impact on my asexuality as any natural tendencies.) I can understand it is offensive for people to assume all asexuals are like that because of sexual abuse and that people are trying to head that off at the pass.

[rad-hedgehog]

Eh...asexuality isn't caused by sexual abuse or anything else. If you're asexual, you're born that way. It's not like some event, no matter how severe, can change your orientation. This idea is propagated by the medical community, and it's very offensive. That's like saying a straight woman who was sexually abused by a male partner can no longer be straight, that the event "caused" her to become a lesbian. That's absurd.

Asexual people don't feel any desire or want to be with someone sexually, as in, they don't see someone and get turned on by them or want to touch them sexually or anything. I can't imagine wanting to do that with anyone. I've never had any feelings like that toward anyone, no matter how beautiful they are (and believe me, I find certain men very, very nice to look at, but I'd never want to have any sexual contact with them. The thought of doing something like that is just...ugh. Ew, no.)

From what I understand, sexual (or asexual) orientations are quite firmly ingrained. Straight people know they are straight. Gay people usually know from a relatively young age (early teens) that they're different from their straight friends. Of course, there are orientations that exist that are ambiguous, such as people who are questioning, but all the asexuals I've spoken with on here have never really had any sexual feelings for anyone, of any gender, not even a little (except greys). It's like straight men when they look at other men, I guess...it's just looking at a person, and while straight men can think other men look good or think they have good style or whatever, their appreciation of how a person looks doesn't cross into wanting to be with them sexually...

Can you provide a link to somewhere where you may have read that asexuality is caused by trauma? That information is very questionable to me...

Dear everyone,

In my post I mentioned that "Many were born asexual, some changed over time, and some, like me, are asexual as a result of trauma." I'm not saying that everyone is like me. Sexuality may change because the person may have mislabeled themselves, or did not understand themselves fully. Considering that my traumas caused many mental illnesses to crop up, I've been toying with the idea that they may have something to do with my orientation.

I am very aware that sexual orientation is

1. from birth

2. not a choice

3. NOT a mental illness are to be "fixed"

4. not a result of abuse/ "who hurt you"

I wasn't trying to say that, and I wasn't trying to insult anyone who feels that way. All I wanted was advice for my specific situation from anyone who may have encountered something similar in their lives. For my life until now, I'd easily define myself as asexual. Now, I'm seeing that it could have been some form of repression. I don't mind being asexual and I don't see it as a problem to be fixed, but I also want to heal from this trauma as cleanly as possible.

I did not read anywhere or hear that asexuality could be caused by trauma. It's just what I'm seeing in my life right now. I do not need lectures on what pure asexuality is.

If you are going to comment about how wrong I am or how insulting you find my questions, please do not. You misread my intentions.

[Sally]

Dear everyone,

In my post I mentioned that "Many were born asexual, some changed over time, and some, like me, are asexual as a result of trauma." I'm not saying that everyone is like me. Sexuality may change because the person may have mislabeled themselves, or did not understand themselves fully. Considering that my traumas caused many mental illnesses to crop up, I've been toying with the idea that they may have something to do with my orientation.

I am very aware that sexual orientation is

1. from birth

2. not a choice

3. NOT a mental illness are to be "fixed"

4. not a result of abuse/ "who hurt you"

I wasn't trying to say that, and I wasn't trying to insult anyone who feels that way. All I wanted was advice for my specific situation from anyone who may have encountered something similar in their lives. For my life until now, I'd easily define myself as asexual. Now, I'm seeing that it could have been some form of repression. I don't mind being asexual and I don't see it as a problem to be fixed, but I also want to heal from this trauma as cleanly as possible.

I did not read anywhere or hear that asexuality could be caused by trauma. It's just what I'm seeing in my life right now. I do not need lectures on what pure asexuality is.

If you are going to comment about how wrong I am or how insulting you find my questions, please do not. You misread my intentions.

AVEN is a place where we can discuss issues. Some posters will disagree with what other posters say, and point out why they disagree. I've read the responses to your post and I don't see anything insulting; in fact, most sympathize with what you have gone through. But if you do not want disagreement or explanations (I don't read them as "lectures"), you could post in the "Tea and Sympathy" section which offers support rather than discussion.

[rad-hedgehog]

Dear everyone,

In my post I mentioned that "Many were born asexual, some changed over time, and some, like me, are asexual as a result of trauma." I'm not saying that everyone is like me. Sexuality may change because the person may have mislabeled themselves, or did not understand themselves fully. Considering that my traumas caused many mental illnesses to crop up, I've been toying with the idea that they may have something to do with my orientation.

I am very aware that sexual orientation is

1. from birth

2. not a choice

3. NOT a mental illness are to be "fixed"

4. not a result of abuse/ "who hurt you"

I wasn't trying to say that, and I wasn't trying to insult anyone who feels that way. All I wanted was advice for my specific situation from anyone who may have encountered something similar in their lives. For my life until now, I'd easily define myself as asexual. Now, I'm seeing that it could have been some form of repression. I don't mind being asexual and I don't see it as a problem to be fixed, but I also want to heal from this trauma as cleanly as possible.

I did not read anywhere or hear that asexuality could be caused by trauma. It's just what I'm seeing in my life right now. I do not need lectures on what pure asexuality is.

If you are going to comment about how wrong I am or how insulting you find my questions, please do not. You misread my intentions.

AVEN is a place where we can discuss issues. Some posters will disagree with what other posters say, and point out why they disagree. I've read the responses to your post and I don't see anything insulting; in fact, most sympathize with what you have gone through. But if you do not want disagreement or explanations (I don't read them as "lectures"), you could post in the "Tea and Sympathy" section which offers support rather than discussion.

I'm okay with discussion, but I feel that many people misread the intentions of my post. I don't want to tell people what asexual mens, I'm just trying to find out what it means to me.

I'm sorry.

[Kanenas]

You have every right to be here and it would be fantastic if the AVEN could somehow help you. I know it helped me a lot. There are many survivors here who should welcome you with open arms. I was emotionally and physically abused my entire life, also by family. So while we might have not gone through the same experiences, I am sure we share similar feelings.

[Philip027]

I think the people here saying asexuality cannot be caused (whatever the reason) are being rather presumptuous.

1) Sure, many people may have experienced abuse and it didn't end up changing them. What gives these people the right to speak for everybody else?

2) If sexuality cannot change, why is the idea that sexuality can be fluid so prevalent around here?

[WhenSummersGone]

I believe it's possible for someone to be asexual or on the asexual spectrum because of trauma. My childhood environment wasn't great and it changed me as a person a lot. I think the most important thing is who you are today and being ok with it, or working on it.

Also I'm very sorry this happened to you and even more that this happened to you as a child.

[IanH]

I've never been sexually abused, however BEFORE coming out as an ace, I have been sexually harassed on YouTube, on a Q&A site, in Middle School, in High School. Then after coming out, on that same Q&A website, I asked them how to tell my girlfriend I was ace, and it turned into sexual harassment by a few folks, and then I asked a Catholic forum if Asexuallity was sinful in the eyes of the church, I briefly mentioned being asexual and then I was told to break up with my girlfriend in the end because I also described being repulsed and intimidated(not exactly sexual harassment there but still). I know sexual harassment cannot really compare to repeated sexual abuse but it was still hard to deal with. As of currently, the effects have me paranoid about sexual assault... ESPECIALLY at night when I cannot see people very well and it looks like everybody is following me. It lowered my already low self esteem which was low due to daily bullying for the vast majority of my school life. It caused me, along with the bullying, to become a bully towards my friends.

In the end, it had affected so many things, but it still had no effect on my orientation. I have still found myself attracted to a few men and women, not sexually of course.

Also, I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through. It's not right and I wish you luck on your road to recovery.

[DivinePrince]

Sorry to be the devi's advocate ( actually not sorry at all)

But no. I do not think youre asexual if you have had abuse in your past be it in any form/

AFTER you go through therapy and AFTER the psychiatrist says you're alright. THEN you can make the decision. Otherwise, no.

[LeeBree]

Classify yourself however you wish too ^^ If orientations can be fluid, then they can be fluid. I don't see why the cause of change can't be abuse. Even if you were born a sexual or something, you're currently an asexual because you don't feel sexual attraction. And even if it is repressed attraction… people can get good enough at repression that it doesn't even take conscious effort anymore. In which case, feeling little to no attraction by default... sounds pretty asexual to me.

On another semantic though, sex drive/libido and orientation are different. If you're developing sexual desire, but no sexual attraction, you can be considered an ace with a libido. The difference is that sexuals direct their libido to other people, they want the feel goods with another person. An asexual with a libido might want the feel goods, but it's not vital that it be with another person, it can be through masturbation or porn or whatever.

If you feel you're becoming sexually attracted to him, and are developing a libido, you have a fluid sexuality and could be becoming a gray asexual or just a sexual.

So much terminology… this place feels like a vocab quiz sometimes (and a quiz I sometimes mess up on too D:) But orientations are complicated stuff!

I can't really comment on healing from sexual abuse as it's never happened to me… and it's quite horrible anyone has to go through it. Even so, I wish you the best with your relationship! Sounds like it's really helping you and may even let you view sex as enjoyable! I really hope it works out :D

EDIT: And now I notice that this thread was started a month ago and the relationship info is slightly outdated…

[Steph Ace]

THIS POST DISCUSSES SEXUAL ABUSE

I currently am in a very committed relationship with someone that I trust very much. My asexuality has always been made clear to him, and he is polite and understanding, never crossing the line. As our relationship has blossomed, I've changed from someone who had panic attacks because snuggling was too close, to someone who may even be developing a sex drive. Sexual contact has slowly become more enjoyable, to the point that I sometimes even want it. Things that were once boring to me are now exhilarating. I still have never reached orgasm, but perhaps one day that may be possible.

So in conclusion: if any of you are asexual because of trauma, but have noticed budding sexuality as a result of the healing process, I'd love your opinions and advice.

This, right here. There was an event four years ago that I believe caused me to develop a 'second hand' trauma of my own. My (then girlfriend) partner was sexually assaulted (While we were dating) by her abusive ex-boyfriend. I stayed with her for many months following the event until she ultimately pushed me away. I know that is when I could begin identifying as 'Asexual' however considering the age (15/16) I'm not certain what was before, as I don't know if I would have naturally developed sexual desires without the event.

That being said, I'm in an amazing relationship currently! I love every moment and it is actually an amazing personal healing process. This time of year is terrible for me as my depression begins to run rampant (It was in Aug. that the event happens, so I tend to re-live the struggle that occurred) and my last major instance was Aug. 29th. We started dating Sept 9th and I have yet to have another depressed night! Which given this time of year, I should be having them almost daily! Definitely amazing signs that this is a healthy and prosperous relationship!

However it comes with its own struggles. I'm so use to being rushed in relationships. Being the 'lagging partner' in a Ace-Allosexual relationship, I would always be playing 'catch up' to my partners expectation of sensual activity. The relationship I'm currently in is Ace-Ace and EXTREMELY empathetic which is amazing! With this new experience I've realized I'm becoming more secure with myself, my past and even 'sexuality' (Whatever it may be). I find myself, for the first time ever, being the 'leading' partner and it's awakened something in me. What that is I don't know. I know it's not sexual but more like... healing. Like something that was lost has been replaced and fixed. Pride? Acceptance? True Empathy? There is a healing going on, but what it is affecting I'm not sure.

That being said, I'm slightly terrified that my 'fear' may be the cause of my asexuality. What will happen should I get over it? I'm never, ever going to pressure my partner obviously should my 'sexuality' suddenly spring back to life, but to build my life and hold asexuality as an identity makes me feel almost fake. I just don't know, but I'll cross that bridge when I arrive.

Glad to see that there is a therapeutic aspect to healthy relationships ^_^

[WünderBâhr]

Just to add a small note and reminder:

People will voice opinions which agree or disagree on what they see as relative or appropriate when considering asexuality and what defines or describes it. However, I'd like everyone to please keep in mind that topics such as these also involve delicate/sensitive matters with those posting--whether it be the OP or others with similar or relevant experiences. Regardless of which forum it may be housed in, I appreciate and suggest that courtesy and tact be used, out of respect for the OP and participating members. Threads do not need to be placed in a certain location for them to be taken seriously or given support/encouragement when needed. :) Thank you.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[tabula_rasa]

I'm having the same issue. I've never been particularly interested in sex, but was also abused sexually when I was younger. As a result, I'm both disinterested AND fearful of sex. I'm in a good relationship that I don't want to give up with someone who knows this and is very concerned with my boundaries, but he's still interested in sex and both of us are rather in a pickle here. I'm working through the abuse issues so that I'm not afraid of sex, but that does little for my disinterestedness. However, the more I work through my issues the more open I get towards the idea of actually having sex, not as something that I have much of a desire to do, but as something that he and I can share and experience together. It's gotten to the point where I'm not uncomfortable nor particularly opposed to things getting a little intense. If we were to never have sex, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but as I work through things and learn more about myself, I think that if we were, it would not be an actually unwelcome experience.

It's a very tangled issue that you're in. I'd say to just work on things, as much as you can, and keep going forward with what you are comfortable with. If you end up enjoying and desiring sex with your boyfriend, then that's perfectly okay. If you don't, that's okay too. You don't have to try to squeeze yourself into a label; things like sexual orientation are always very fluid and vary from person to person. Do whatever makes you feel safe and happy.

[MadRat]

I don´t agree with those who say asexuals are just born that way and nothing can change sexual orientation. Many asexuals were born that way but asexuality can be induced by trauma. It was in my case. I have never been fully sexual but I was a gray-A and I certainly wasn´t born so sex-repulsed.

I was emotionally traumatised by the way how sex is treated in this society, by importance of sex in relationship, by importance of disgusting sexual practices which are seen as things you have to do to keep a partner, by explicit talking about sex everywhere... and I am sex-repulsed asexual now. I can´t feel anything sexual towards anyone, including people who used to be sexually atractive for me. And I developed phobia of sexual men.

[RedPanda3]

I don´t agree with those who say asexuals are just born that way and nothing can change sexual orientation. Many asexuals were born that way but asexuality can be induced by trauma. It was in my case. I have never been fully sexual but I was a gray-A and I certainly wasn´t born so sex-repulsed.

I was emotionally traumatised by the way how sex is treated in this society, by importance of sex in relationship, by importance of disgusting sexual practices which are seen as things you have to do to keep a partner, by explicit talking about sex everywhere... and I am sex-repulsed asexual now. I can´t feel anything sexual towards anyone, including people who used to be sexually atractive for me. And I developed phobia of sexual men.

I am the same way actually. Throughout most of my life, I was completely apathetic about sex, and never wasted a thought on it. I wasn't repulsed by it, I honestly just didn't give a thought whatsoever, just like how I never cared to think about holding hands with a loved one (sweaty palms, no thanks!, yes they were on the same level of apathetic "who cares, you don't have to do that activity with a S/O" thoughts). Once I hit my 20s, and I became more aware of how sex is represented in society and it's importance by other people (basically everything you listed there), I noticed I started to develop a severe sex-repulsion. Now I'm not apathetic, but actively disgusted. I think a huge part of it also was that I finally realized that most guys expect sex in a relationship, and that turned me off greatly. I was apathetic before because I was young and under the impression sex was optional (I thought I was a normal, and everyone thought like me, that sex was just an optional intimate activity, like long-time hand-holding).

I was abused when I was younger, which might or might not have made me asexual. I honestly don't care. I don't want to be fixed, so whether it's because of trauma or whether it's innate doesn't matter to me, because I don't want to be "cured". But I can probably safely say that my sex-repulsion was caused by what I realized about sex later in life. I wish I could go back to my naive apathy about sex, but that's not good, because I got involved with a guy and then got accused of leading him on when my asexuality and naivete came out. I think that was probably a turning point of realizing how important it is to relationships, and made me quite cynical, believing that I'll never be able to be with someone because they insist on this version of "sweaty palm hand-holding".

[Bronte]

I think trauma can change brain chemistry and bring about hormonal changes which has some bearing on asexuality imo, meaning it can influence a person's orientation.

[MeansNothing]

Eh...asexuality isn't caused by sexual abuse or anything else. If you're asexual, you're born that way. It's not like some event, no matter how severe, can change your orientation. This idea is propagated by the medical community, and it's very offensive. That's like saying a straight woman who was sexually abused by a male partner can no longer be straight, that the event "caused" her to become a lesbian. That's absurd.

I just registered to tell you what is truly absurd. Your views. Dear God!

> straight woman who was sexually abused by a male partner can no longer be straight, that the event "caused" her to become a lesbian.

The word asexual unites a lot of people, who share one thing in common: lack of sexual desire. You borned with one thing: sexual ORIENTATION. "It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality." Maybe it's a sexual orientation, but for some? of us means only the lack of sexual desire, we still have orientation. Childhood sexual trauma idd, can cause lack of sexual desire, but not gonna change your sexual orientation.

Eh...asexuality isn't caused by sexual abuse or anything else. If you're asexual, you're born that way. It's not like some event, no matter how severe, can change your orientation.

You are asexual if you don't have any sexual desire towards any gender. That's it. There is no other special requirement on being asexual. But let me tell you my story:

I'm a 30 year old virgin male. I went through some bad sexual experience when i was 7 or 8, my parents didn't handled the incident well, shamed me, causing the following sentence to be engraved into my brain: "Whatever happened, cannot happen again". I've grown into puberty without developing libido, which means i never had any sexual desire towards girls/women, i never had any relationship either, because i didn't see the point.

To top this, i also have Sexual Aversion Disorder, which means: "This is the most severe form of sexual desire disorder. It involves a fear of sexual intercourse and an intense desire to avoid sexual situations completely." So 1) i don't have sexual desire towards women, 2) if a women initiate anything that can possible lead to ANY intimacy, i freak and bail out.

So basically i don't have any desire, and i can't see myself to be intimite with someone. I had 3 kisses in my life, by the same girl, on the same day, when i was 18. My closesed "sexual experience" was dry humping with the aforementioned girl, still the same day.

I've spent my teens and twenties in this state, never ever felt bothered about this. But as approaching 30, realizing that i'm pretty much wasted my best years (20s) avoiding, and not questioning my sexuality started to bother me. To the point that i'm actually visiting a sexologist, who is specialized for asexuality/sexual aversion, and working in this field in the past 30 years.

She was the person who stated that, if you don't feel sexual desire, then you are asexual. You can have a preferred gender (in this case i'm hetero), you still can have/needs for sexual release, but if you don't have sexual desire towards any gender, you are asexual. She told me that, my childhood trauma is might be the reason why i feel the way i feel. I'm not saying that, asexuality is a mental disorder, and should be treated, but in my case, there is a high chance that this is the case.

Honestly i hardly believe that i'm gonna be a normal person ever, but i had to realize that, i have to explore my sexual problems before i can finally accept myself, and move along with my life.

[Sally]

Asexuality is not a mental disorder. You don't need to be treated by a sexologist or psychologist or psychiatrist for it, any more than a heterosexual needs to be treated. They are orientations. The sexologist you consulted is wrong.

Your sexual trauma apparently caused some psychologist problems, including extreme aversion to sex. That does not make you asexual.

[MeansNothing]

Asexuality is not a mental disorder. You don't need to be treated by a sexologist or psychologist or psychiatrist for it, any more than a heterosexual needs to be treated. They are orientations. The sexologist you consulted is wrong.

Your sexual trauma apparently caused some psychologist problems, including extreme aversion to sex. That does not make you asexual.

So you are saying that (random person from the internet), i should do what i did in the past 30 years, so do nothing about it? Because i do believe that my aversion and my nonexistent sexual desire are related. What is the best, and most efficient way to avoid any sexual contact? Well, don't feel any sexual desire towards anyone. Looks like you didn't take the time to read my post, so let me repeat it just for you.

From wikipedia:

Asexuality (or nonsexuality)^[1][2][3] is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity.

That's the first meaning of it. The lack of sexual attraction to anyone.

It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.

Unfortunately the word 'asexuality' means 2 things (and some reason people here are really confused about it):

1. lack of sexual desire
2. if you're not interested in men or women, or both, then you are asexual by sexual orientation.

There are terms like:

• heteroromantic asexual

• homoromantic asexual

• biromantic asexual

• and i guess there are "asexual asexuals"

So asexuality can be a sexual orientation, but for many of us, it means only the lack of sexual desire towards our preferred gender. In my case women. If i would be asexual orientated, i wouldn't enjoy watching porn for example. My sexual orientation is heteroromantic asexual, which means i prefer women over men, but i do not have sexual desire towards them.

I'm 100% sure that my childhood trauma caused my Sexual Aversion Disorder, and i do believe that my brain is powerful enough to lock out my sexual desire. Because it's the easiest way or avoid a lot of anxieties, in my case i can have panic attacks, if women are really pushy.

And lastly i find it EXTREMELY troubling that the asexual community is not even mentioning things like: Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (is considered a sexual dysfunction and is characterized as a lack or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity). Yes, there are mental issues that might cause lack of sexual desire. Do you know what other word can use to describe 'lack of sexual desire': asexuality(the first meaning of the word). You can have lifelong HSDD or SAD (Sexual aversion disorder), these problems might started before puberty.

[Sally]

Asexualty is not lack of sexual desire -- i.e., lack of libido. It's the lack of desire for partnered sex. You can read more about asexuality on AVEN's Front Page. That's probably more accurate info than Wiki.

[Steph Ace]

At the end of it all, it doesn't matter how you came to identify Asexuality as your identity. All paths are valid as the identity is a reflection of how you feel, not how you got here.

There is no reason to invalidate a persons identity, EVER!

[Satomi]

I agree with the idea that asexuality could result from trauma. My first memory of abuse was by a woman well before I entered kindergarten. These type of experiences continued until middle school. By high school I was beginning to identify as gay. I was raised to think Homosexuality was absolutely intolerable so you can guess what happened when my family found out. I haven't spoken or seen them since high school and I'm still having a hard time trying to undo that conditioning. To allow people to accept me for me and love myself and others unconditionally...

To say that trauma does not play a part in asexuality is dumb.

[WünderBâhr]

*modly note and play nice post*

There is debate among the asexual community at large about the definition of asexuality and its origins. We should strive to understand one another's perspective rather than go around in circles about how one person labels themselves. It is true that the definition AVEN uses is very general and does not directly specify trauma within that definition. However, that should not stop anyone from utilizing what labels they feel most comfortable with or how they choose to identify. It ALSO does not eliminate the possibility of disagreement with stated opinions and perspectives. I ask that participants refrain from resorting to insults, as that is not the way to get points across. Thank you.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod